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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to expect people to say you don't want another baby

35 replies

appleslice · 22/09/2010 17:11

When I have found out that I need to have an hysterectomy.It makes me mad and I find it insensitive.
Just because I have already got 2 DS (16 & 12) it doesn't mean I don't want another child (as now in a very happy relationship with a great man) and to me it isn't just about having another baby its about my choice being took away and the thought of going through the menopause at 37 Sad and the thought of not being a complete women (silly I know)....

OP posts:
pinkbasket · 22/09/2010 17:13

Sad it isn't silly at all. You have had the chance taken away from you and not even with something nice.

Irishchic · 22/09/2010 17:14

Not at all silly, very upsetting for you I would say.

Some people are just totally tactless, ignore them.

Having to go through a hysterectomy is tough at any age, but at 37, it is definitely tougher as you are still in your prime.

Honeydragon · 22/09/2010 17:19

It is rude and insensitive and sadly a case of people feeling they have to say something. For me it is the same as people who say "oh children are a pain you don't want any" to people undergoing fertility issues.

You have my sympathy, their is a reason why it is done as a last resort - regardless of your age it is a very big deal.

Original poster
appleslice · 22/09/2010 17:30

I am very upset at how my friends and family have been only a small handful have been understanding.

Honeydragon that is awful when people say that my friend had that said to her and it makes my blood boil as its easy for someone to say that about children when they have their own.

Its madding people's insensitivity. Makes me think how they would feel if boot was on other foot.

I am going to get counselling to help me come to terms with it but I daren't say that to people now as worried that they will think I am crazy.

OP posts:
pumperspumpkin · 22/09/2010 17:40

My mum had hers at 37 too. She then spent over 20 years on HRT so no menopause - do they not do this anymore?

YANBU at all.

Honeydragon · 22/09/2010 17:44

Get counseling, I am very lucky re fertility - it is my friend whom I work with who gets told this all the time! I get so Angry as every time someone comments you can see her heart break a little bit more each timeSad.

Your family need to remember that you are very young and very aware of what is being taken from you, I think counselling is a good idea as it may help you deal with others reactions.

addictedisgettingexcited · 22/09/2010 17:51

a very clsoe friend of mine had a hysterectomy at 30 she has 2 ds's (3&7) and had made the decision not to have any more due to difficult pregnancy's. However there was always that choice she could change her mind if she wanted, now she cant.
Lots of people said this to her aswell and often rolled out the, 'but you've already decided not to have any more children' i've had her on the phone so many time in tears.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, some people are insensitive, rude and tactless. If you need councelling go and get it, hold your head high and tell thoes people who think your crazy to f' off. Well done for recognising you need the help.
Good luck

eToTheiPi · 22/09/2010 17:56

I agree with Honeydragon, people have no idea what to say so think they may be making you feel better. I remember 2 days after my erpc after a mmc of our first pg at 13 weeks a neighbour saying "just think about all the sex you'll be having to try again!" [shocked]

YANBU

You sound v sensible to seek counselling but just tell your nearest and dearest who are supportive.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

nomedoit · 22/09/2010 17:58

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Lots of us have late babies when we already have teenagers. But that choice is being taken away.

TaLcYaNiDe · 22/09/2010 17:59

With you all the way, appleslice. Sad

GetOrfMoiLand · 22/09/2010 18:03

Oh you poor thing. You are not being silly, you have every right to feel a sense of loss.

I will never have any other children - I had an ectopic pregnancy so my RH fallopian tube is buggered, and my LH ovary was partly removed when a cyst was taken away. Was told at 24 that I would not conceive again.

I have no real desire to have another baby, but sometimes I really get broody moments, which I have to repress.

People are thoughtless sometimes.

Mishy1234 · 22/09/2010 18:03

YANBU at all. People say some really insensitive things sometimes and really need to think before they open their gobs imo.

I'm sorry you're facing this. It is as you say about losing the choice of having another baby.

thesecondcoming · 22/09/2010 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marchpane · 22/09/2010 18:09

Some people are horribly insensitive Sad

I wanted to post because I don't know if it's a possibility for just your uterus to be removed leaving cervix and ovaries? Then you wouldn't have the menopause problem.

Sorry if that's not a possibilty but I was surprised to find many women aren't offered this option.

Original poster
appleslice · 22/09/2010 18:17

Pumpkin yes they do offer HRT but that scares me also Sad

Prior to finding out about the hysterectomy I was thinking it would be nice to maybe have a baby in a couple of years but now that wont happen and I feel very sad at that.

OP posts:
Mibby · 22/09/2010 18:53

Its lousy.

You're NOT being silly.

And other people can be utterly insensitive when they open their big mouths with no thought, or a mistaken attempt to 'jolly' you.

Big Hugs x

5ofus · 22/09/2010 19:03

I had a hysterectomy just under a year ago during a c section. I was an emergency situation. It saved my life but still caused me an immense amount of emotional pain. I opted for counselling after it happened which I would totally recommend. I have never cried so many tears.

I still have my ovaries but no cervix. My consultant told me they may keep producing hormones until I would have gone through menopause. So no early menopause for me!

People say stupid things and you are entirely entitled to grieve for the choice that has been taken away from you.

Original poster
appleslice · 23/09/2010 07:02

marchpane she did mention this to me but as yet dont know if this is possible as my bowel is totally stuck to my womb and my right ovary so have got other complications to deal with it is going to be an intense operation Sad

thesecoondcoming - that is how I feel that I will lose my femininity

OP posts:
gtamom · 23/09/2010 07:34

appleslice, totally understandable for you to feel that way. I had a hysterectomy, and kept my ovaries, maybe you will be able to keep one at least? I never had to have HRT. Cannot think of a smart reply to insensitive remarks, other than maybe when you tell them about the surgery, start it by stating you were not 100% sure if you were finished making your family, but it is being taken from your own hands. Perhaps they will realize you are sad.
I hope all goes well for you.

GoodDaysBadDays · 23/09/2010 07:54

People can be very insensitive, I have managed to grow a thick skin over the years (not a similar situation but to people's thoughtless comments)

On another note but wrt to removal of ovaries / menopause / hrt:

My mum had a hysterectomy at 31, just the womb to prevent menopause but she was never right and at 41 had major surgery to remove the ovaries and huge cysts that were entwined with other organs and bowel. After that op she finally felt better and was on HRT for another 10 years feeling the best she had ever felt!

Not wanting to scare or dramatise the situation but wanted to give a positive view on a radical hysterectomy .

GoodDaysBadDays · 23/09/2010 07:54

Good luck to you appleslice x

Original poster
appleslice · 23/09/2010 16:58

I dont think I will be able to keep one as I think they are worried about if they leave it it my bowel will stick to it.

Thank you Gooddays I was thinking that if they left my womb would I have to go back later in life as I am having this operation I want it done right the first time even if it does leave me sad and upset at the thought of not having a baby at the moment my emotions are all over the place and today feel very upset

OP posts:
droves · 23/09/2010 17:16

dont know what to say appleslice , just wanted to give you a hug (((hug))) x

Original poster
appleslice · 23/09/2010 17:23

Thank you droves much appreciated I think I am emotional as had keyhole surgery last week and am still recovering and trying to come to terms
with what lays ahead Sad

OP posts:
Marjee · 23/09/2010 17:26

Sad you poor woman, reading this has almost brought me to tears. It must be such a devastating loss at any age but especially when you were considering having more children. Some people are stupid and inconsiderate! I think it may help to get your dp to have a word with the people that are saying these horrible things to you, they obviously have no idea that you are so upset.

Counselling sounds like a good idea, you need to properly grieve for your loss and it doesn't sound like you have much support to enable you to do that. Sending you a big hug xx