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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want dp to go out tonight?

38 replies

familyfun · 22/09/2010 13:54

ive been told iabu several times recently but im here again for another bashing

last night i was supposed to be going out with friends, dp was staying in with dd, in the afternoon he rang saying he had been invited to play golf (which he plays most weeks when he can) and was i still going out. i said yes but maybe later than planned as my friend was working late. he then tried to work out how late i might go as he would really like to play golf but i didnt know. at 3 my friends cancelled so i rang dp and told him and he instantly said oh i'll play golf then, fair enough although id have liked the option to still have some time to myself, so he went to golf and got home just in time to put dd to bed.

dp just phoned and said he has been invited to a footie match tonight but thought he would check first, he then said he is being picked up at 5 but will come home early and take dd to the park. i told him she needs her dinner by 5 as she is hungry/tired after nursery.

i dont want him to go out again tonight, he went out last night and im fed up o being left alone.

i told him last week that im feeling really down like no-one respects me. im 7 months pregnant. dd is settling into nursery but being a handful in the meantime. ive in pain with pelvic girdle pain.

i go out about once a month max for a meal with friends. dp goes to the gym twice a week, pub fridays, meetings once a fortnight and then thinks he should be able to play golf weekly and go out wenever asked.

aibu?

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 22/09/2010 13:57

YANBU. End of.

comtessa · 22/09/2010 13:58

Nope, YANBU. How would he be if you were out almost every evening? He needs to make time for his family and for his relationship with you, instead of fitting you in around his activities. Okay he calls to ask you first, but how about him considering what his priorities should be and say no to his friends/colleagues?

comtessa · 22/09/2010 13:58

Also, you need to tell him no when he asks.

theredhen · 22/09/2010 14:03

No, YANBU.

Sounds like he wants to behave like a batchelor with all of the benefits of a partner and children at home.

You shouldn't have to tell him not to go out, he should take the decision himself, but as it looks like that's not really going to happen, you have to put your foot down.

Original poster

familyfun · 22/09/2010 14:04

well he said he had told his friend he would ask first but h didnt actually ask me (not that im in charge obviously), he just told me he was being picked up.
i felt like saying of course you shouldnt go out again when you went out last night, but then i felt like he shouldnt want to go out again and if he wants to go and i say no stop him it just makes me seem mean.
but waiting for him to say no sint working.
he has loads of activities he likes doing so when he goes to each one he says oh i havent been to footie for weeks which is true but he has done several other things since and it all adds up.

OP posts:

Original poster

familyfun · 22/09/2010 14:05

wasnt sure if i was just jealous he has a social life and i dont.

OP posts:

Balsam · 22/09/2010 14:13

I'm on the fence. It wasn't his fault that you didn't get to go out the other night. And he's not a mindreader - you need to tell him when you don't want him to go out. If you keep letting him and saying nothing, how's he supposed to know?

Think you need to get out more yourself to even it up a bit - you've two months left before the baby comes, why don't you set yourself a challenge to see if you can arrange a least one night a week out for those two months? And if it comes to it, sod it, tell him you have plans and just go to the cinema on your own if you have to.

Original poster

familyfun · 22/09/2010 14:26

no it wasnt his fault i couldnt go out and i dont want to be mean, but he never offered me the chance to stil have time on my own.

to me when his friend phoned today he should have said oh id best not tonight as io was out last night, the fact he has phoned and already agreed to be picked up basically tells me he has said yes and is just telling me.

if he goes i will be pissed off but if i told him not to go he would resnt the fact probably. so then noones happy.

wish i could go out more but my few friends often let me down and i hate being on my own so wouldnt enjoy the cinema alone. pre pregnancy i went to an exercise class weekly and tht was my night and i never let dp arrange anything for himself that night but now i cant go.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 22/09/2010 14:39

well it's in your hands. Make plans. Go out. Even if it's to the bloody library! Go swimming.

I know you said you don't like being alone, but you also said you want time on your own. ??

Cinema alone may not be much fun. But library alone, a swim alone, hell, an evening drive alone!

Thing is, you can't sit there in the house, not making plans if your original ones went tits up, not doing anything and just moaning about it and waiting for him to let you go out or wait in with you or whatever. You have to be pro-active!

PatriciaHolm · 22/09/2010 14:42

How late does he get home? You say he was home in time to put DD to bed - what, 7pm ish? TBH that doesn't count as a night out to me - that's about the earliest time my DH gets home from work on a normal night!

Isn't there another class maybe you could do - pregnancy yoga, or maybe a swim?

Original poster

familyfun · 22/09/2010 14:43

tbh what id like is that if my plans go wrong id like to stay in and be a family.

tonight id like us to stay in together.

feel like if he wants to go out then he may aswell go out as he obviously thinks its more important than being with us.

feeling really down during this pregnancy so not sure whether im being rational.

OP posts:

Original poster

familyfun · 22/09/2010 14:47

patricia, i might look into pregnancy yoga thanks.
every other monday he goes to a meeting 5 till 10.
tues and thurs he goes gym after work till 6.
golf he is back by 7.
fri he is back from pub by 6.
sats he works.

his point is he never goes out drinking till late (well he does sometimes but not very oftern) so he doesnt class these activities as being out. but he misses dinner with dd and me most nights and tonight he will be out till late at footie.

OP posts:

theredhen · 22/09/2010 18:47

I think you are upset because ultimately he wants to be out out rather than be with you (or that's how you perceive it). You would rather be in with him than going out on your own or with friends and you wish he would make the same choice.

I think you need to do these things;

Make some time for yourself - even if it is doing something that you're not keen on, going swimming or the library etc. That will show him that you are equally important and entitled to go out as much as he is.

I also think you need to accept that he needs his "going out" time and you need to think hard about how much is bearable to you. I also think you need to see the positives of him not being around. I actually quite like it when OH isn't around sometimes because it gives me time with DS alone and also time to catch up with friends, read or watch something on TV I know he wouldn't like.

I was with someone once who spent every spare minute of his time out with someone else doing something else. I completely resented this man who only ever came home to sleep and eat. Your OH doesn't sound as bad, but you do have my sympathy.

thesecondcoming · 22/09/2010 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

familyfun · 22/09/2010 21:00

the meeting isnt work related, its by choice.
i dont think 6 is late but when he hasnt seen dd all day and she is in bed early it means he misses seeing his daughter all day and it means i do breakfast, lunch dinner on my own with dd playing up a lot at the moment and me being pregnant and tired.
i like going out with friends and used to go out more to the gym etc but all that stopped when we had dd but he hasnt stopped anything.
also if i went out 1 night id try and be in the next unless it was urgent.
im going to tell him that he needs to make more family time as dd will only be young once and i will not want to be left alone all the time when the baby is here.

OP posts:

AnxiousLand · 22/09/2010 22:16

You are a single parent.

theredhen · 23/09/2010 08:32

Whilst he is not going out "late" he is still choosing to be somewhere else regularly rather than with his family.

thesecondcoming · 23/09/2010 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lavenderboo · 23/09/2010 12:44

He's out a lot. He needs to at least know how you feel now before DC2 comes along and you start feeling really resentful and feel trapped in the house.

Unfortunately evolution didn't make men into mind readers. More's the pity.

sb6699 · 23/09/2010 12:46

Sorry, I think YABU but possibly because you are upset that you arent getting any me time and he is so I can understand why you're feeling a tad resentful.

My DH leaves the house at 4am and is rarely home before 6 pm (8ish is the norm). I wouldnt have thought many working men are home much earlier than that so you're actually in a good position to go out after he gets home.

You need to make an effort to get out and about yourself. Sometimes I just go to the library when DH gets home just for some peace and quiet or go upstairs and watch tv giving strict instructions not to be disturbed for an hour. Join a gym or just stop for a coffee and some cake while your dp minds the dc's.

If you want to have a night in as a family then let him know. It could be that because he is coming home at a reasonable time he doesnt realise there is a problem.

Firawla · 23/09/2010 12:56

I think yabu but maybe just as you are pregnant and seem to be feeling a bit down these things are bothering you more than they would normally? I don't really see the issue, he has asked so its not like he's got the attitude of going out without even telling/mentioning to you. Coming from work 5 or 6pm is pretty early, so he is seeing your dd in evening if he comes, whereas a lot of dh don't come early enough to see dc in evenings. I think it could be a lot worse, and have to realise it is healthy for him to have some time outside seeing friends, doing sport etc, and you are having time out too as you go once per month and also you said your dd is in nursery so some time to yourself in the day?
I agree with poster above really. If you want him to stay @ home more evenings then just explain how your feeling,he may take notice. Also he will prob cut it back a bit when your dc2 is born (well he should really) maybe he wants to get a few evenings out in now as he will be stopping at home more with you with the new baby?

Original poster

familyfun · 23/09/2010 13:26

he got in at 11.30 last night, woke me up, then dd wanted a wee at 5.30 then she got up at 6.30 so with my pgp i didnt get much sleep, probably isnt helping my irritability.

i dont think partners/familys should spend every waking moment together but i think they should consider each other.

i go out once a month, pre-pregnancy i went out once a week, dp goes out to the gym twice a week, pub once a week, golf once a week, meetings fortnightly. hardly an equal split is it?

dd is at nursery 3 hrs a day for a week now so yes i will get 3 hrs a day to myself till november which i appreciate, although i miss dd.

i am feeling low at present and also in pain so im over thinking things.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 23/09/2010 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justwaitaminute · 23/09/2010 13:50

I think you're being a tiny BU, he may have interests and go out a fair bit, but he is actually home with you each night (except mondays) before most fathers even get home from work.

Having said that if it bothers you, you need to talk to him about it, and I think it really would do you good to get out with your friends, it might just make him appreciate you a bit more.

proudnglad · 23/09/2010 13:53

I think YAB a bit U and a bit drama rama.

It's not the end of the world, it's only 2 nights in a row and he was/is nearly always back at 6!

Who has dinner before 6?

Most of us on here are cream crackered and get little sleep to be brutally honest.

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