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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to stop the slandering?

46 replies

chatch · 22/09/2010 12:46

will try to keep this brief. Friend split up with ex a couple of years ago. They have one child, Joint Residency (50/50).

Ex is continually making proclamations in front of large groups of people in a formal environment regarding how she has 'escaped from her abusive ex'. No abuse has ever been proved, hasn't even been taken to court, and in all probability, friend is completely innocent. This is most likely a case of the ex trying to make herself look as good and innocent as possible in the eyes of her new friends (all the old friends are pretty sure of the truth anyway).

This slander is having a big impact on the emotional state of friend, as people who he doesn't even know treat him as if the tales are true.

Can anything be done to stop this slander?

OP posts:
JaneS · 22/09/2010 12:48

I don't know that someone has to be taken to court in order for them to be considered abusive, do they?

I see why it's a problem, but you never know what happens in someone else's relationship.

Original poster
chatch · 22/09/2010 12:50

I agree with you LRD, but does that make it ok to shout accusations, that could just as easily be false, from the rooftops?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 22/09/2010 12:54

It's up to your friend really to pick his ex up on it, which will probably be difficult as it'd look like he was just having a go at her and then back up what she's saying.

I think you have to look on it that anyone who matters and is worth anything will just take her words with a pinch of salt and get to know your friend before they make any judgements about him.

That doesn't make the unfairness of the accusations any better though, she does sound like she's fishing for sympathy if none of it happened, and perhaps is projecting a reason her marriage broke down that can't be questioned.

JaneS · 22/09/2010 12:55

No, it doesn't, of course. But I suppose I'd be just as concerned that perhaps the relationship was abusive.

It does sound like a fairly needy thing to do - can you not have a word with her in private about how uncomfortable it makes you feel? I do think, as well, that most people would naturally take such statements as she's making with a pinch of salt - you don't need to know the backstory to know that shouting about your ex in a formal setting is not the behaviour of a very stable person.

Chil1234 · 22/09/2010 12:56

I would have thought that making proclamations about 'abuse' is actually making the ex look less good and innocent rather than more. The type of woman that grandstands their woes in a public forum is always suspect. People aren't stupid. Your friend has to try to remember the 'sticks and stones will break my bones' adage, behave normally and ignore what's being said best he can. Alternatively, he could decide that if his children are being exposed to repeated accusations that 'your Dad knocked me about' this is detrimental to their welfare - take it from there.

KERALA1 · 22/09/2010 12:58

Agree with Chil. I suppose the innocent party could see a solicitor. He would need deep pockets though and wouldnt get legal aid.

proudnglad · 22/09/2010 12:58

What I've learned on MN is that abusers are nearly always outwardly affable, charasmatic people so you cannot know with anything near certainty that he has not been abusive. Or what has felt like abuse to her (which is the same thing really).

Is she 'shouting accusations' as you say or finally spilling the beans on a dysfuctional relationship and finding that cathartic?

Are you a man?

proudnglad · 22/09/2010 12:59

Sorry last question sounded oddly agressive, just wondering if you're a male friend of his!

fedupofnamechanging · 22/09/2010 13:02

If someone was saying something about me which wasn't true and was damaging to my reputation, I would take it further legally.

The thing is, it is one of those things that is very difficult to prove or disprove either way because it's impossible to really know what has gone on in relationship unless you were one of the people involved.

If I was the person being slandered, I would be pointing out to people that there are no medical or police records to support what she says. Not that lack of these things entirely prove innocence,but they do mean it is her word against his and she should be careful about making accusations that she cannot prove. innocent until proven guilty etc

JaneS · 22/09/2010 13:06

Yes, I think that's the worry, proud (not that the OP is a man, I thought that was a bit Hmm), but that abusers can be very convincing to others.

I know this from my ex. He can do a great 'nice guy' act. One of our old friends was talking about him the other day and saying how nice we'd been as a couple. His girlfriend had to stop him and remind him that they'd both seen him behaving in a way that was anything but nice. She and I were gobsmacked, but my friend had quite literally wiped it from his mind that he'd seen such a 'nice' person behaving so nastily.

It can get very strange.

venusandmars · 22/09/2010 13:12

Sometimes people who have been abusers find it difficult to recognise their own behaviour.

Whe we were having counselling my xh got cross and said "you're making it sound like I raped you".

Err yes.

He still could not see it.

NOT saying this is the situation with your friend, just that it is difficult to know the truth of any situation.

Original poster
chatch · 22/09/2010 13:12

No, I'm definitely not a man!! Neither am I involved with friend in any other way other than being a frustrated onlooker.

In fact, I've had more contact with ex. I know both these people, and whilst none of us can no anything about a relationship with certainty, in this case, I'm pretty sure that friend is innocent. Ex has a habit of undermining individuals who don't quite fit her picture of the world. There are also medical issues with ex that have a part to play, but I cannot put on here (I don't dislike her that much!), that have an impact on this whole story.

The real issue is really how to deal with all this public airing - I agree it doesn't make her look good to anyone with half a brain cell or more, but she is very good at appearing very vulnerable (even though standing up in front of groups of up to 100 people), and takes people in easily.

OP posts:
Original poster
chatch · 22/09/2010 13:14

If there was abuse in the relationship, what if it was her that was the abusive one?

OP posts:
proudnglad · 22/09/2010 13:17

Venus - exactly.

Chatch - I don't know why but 'innocent' seems a strange word to use.

And one person's truth is not another's (see Venus's post)

My friend has been seeing a guy for 18 months. He is WONDERFUL. Sweet, intelligent, funny, generous, great job, we've all seen loads of him. I mean, just fan-fucking-tabulous.

Then she tells us he's been to prison for a violent offence and has been 'open and honest' about physicallly abusing his ex wife on 2 occassions in the 'distant past'.

It totally threw me. I still don't know what to think or say to her.

Sorry to go off at a tangent.

JaneS · 22/09/2010 13:20

venus - that is terrible. But I think you're right, it's not unusual. I know my ex would never consider himself remotely abusive - I needed protecting from the big bad world and he was doing that by isolating me from my friends and family, discouraging me from getting a job and using my savings to pay the bills. He still believes that he 'saved' me, and that now, if I believe he was abusive, it is a sign of how unstable I naturally am and how much I need saving.

So I suppose I have alarm bells ringing when I hear about someone who is unstable or mentally ill, whose ex is now feeling 'slandered'.

OP, can I ask, how did you find out about her mental illness? It wasn't when she was with him, was it?

It does sound as if you are right, and she is stirring it. But, to play devil's advocate, abusers often target people who are a bit unstable.

AgentZigzag · 22/09/2010 13:22

I don't know the details of the situation other than what the OP has said, but judging by what some posters have written (and I'm not saying they can't say it) but it does show that once someone says something about you it's difficult to shake it off even when it's not true.

Again, I'm not saying it's not true, but you can twist what the ex has said round so that perhaps she is right, perhaps behind closed doors the bloke is a violent man and shouldn't be truested.

This is what the OPs saying really, the unsubstantiated accusation of DV from one person and it must be true, and it's very difficult for the bloke if he really hasn't done anything.

AgentZigzag · 22/09/2010 13:23

Trusted sorry.

booyhoo · 22/09/2010 13:26

chatch, there are 3 sides to every story. your side, my side and the truth. all you can do is if she says anything infront of you, tell her you don't want to hear it and walk away. you can't stop her saying things. it's nothing to do with you. it is up to her ex if he wants to put an end to it.

Original poster
chatch · 22/09/2010 13:46

I found out about the mental illness from the ex herself. Interestingly, new circle of friends have no idea - apparently she's been 'healed'.

I think what concerns me, and the reason I thought I'd post on MN, is why is it so natural and easy to always believe the woman? I really am sorry for those of you who have experienced abuse in you relationships - did you stand in front of lots of people and announce it? Would you have done?

OP posts:
DaisyDaresYOU · 22/09/2010 13:59

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.Abusive men are very clever,and look and act totally normal in front of other people,different story when they are at home.They do this to make the Mrs look mad.until you have experienced someone go through it is hard to understand.Maybe she wants people to know what crap she went through

Chil1234 · 22/09/2010 14:06

It's easier to believe the woman because of all the statistics of unreported abuse etc. that we hear about. Bottom line is that, divorce is a miserable process. Few people end up friends and far more end up bitter enemies, telling apalling lies, slagging each other off to anyone that'll listen as a form of revenge - making the other one suffer as much as they can, gaining sympathy. Some wouldn't go as far as to accuse each other of 'abuse'.... but, then again, the definition can be stretched quite thinly sometimes according to need.

I still think your friend should act normally. Any reaction on his part will only perpetuate matters.

Chil1234 · 22/09/2010 14:10

BTW....could you be more illuminating on the 'formal environment' part? Is she renting theatres to denounce the man?

Original poster
chatch · 22/09/2010 14:15

Not a theatre, a church.

By the way, friend is not charismatic, life and soul type, unlike his ex. Why do so many still assume that this friend must be guilty? Is it not equally likely that he is innocent? I use the terms guity/innocent as that is how ex is portraying things.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 22/09/2010 14:25

Perhaps people just assume guilt because women have had to fight tooth and nail for DV to be taken seriously?

Taking place in a private space (normally) between two people who have an intimate relationship with boundaries that usually aren't stepped over by other people, to say to the ex 'you're lying' when she might not be, is too awful to contemplate.

DaisyDaresYOU · 22/09/2010 14:44

Because id like to think a woman wouldnt lie about that sort of thing.Women are aready scared enough coming forward.if people assume ones lying, i fear alot more wont come forward.