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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to stop the slandering?

46 replies

chatch · 22/09/2010 12:46

will try to keep this brief. Friend split up with ex a couple of years ago. They have one child, Joint Residency (50/50).

Ex is continually making proclamations in front of large groups of people in a formal environment regarding how she has 'escaped from her abusive ex'. No abuse has ever been proved, hasn't even been taken to court, and in all probability, friend is completely innocent. This is most likely a case of the ex trying to make herself look as good and innocent as possible in the eyes of her new friends (all the old friends are pretty sure of the truth anyway).

This slander is having a big impact on the emotional state of friend, as people who he doesn't even know treat him as if the tales are true.

Can anything be done to stop this slander?

OP posts:

Original poster

chatch · 22/09/2010 14:50

So, only men lie. Women never?

think it's perhaps time for me to say goodbye to this thread, thanks for all the input anyway. For those of you who have had a tough time, I'm sorry if I've appeared insensitive. But in this case, yes, the woman is lying.

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 22/09/2010 14:52

What sort of thing is your friend accused of doing?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 22/09/2010 14:55

If the ex is making accusations in front of your friends' friends (if you follow me), you could perhaps all decide to challenge her? Not an easy thing to do, but if you truly believe that your friend is being wronged, then it's what I'd do (and have done).

AgentZigzag · 22/09/2010 14:58

I don't think you've been, or even appeared to be, insensitive OP.

caramelwaffle · 22/09/2010 15:01

I have to say, I knew that an issue of the female ex having "mental health issues" would be mentioned.

Nothing further to add at this point.

lizziemun · 22/09/2010 15:03

I don't think you have been insensitive.

But I do beleive we like to think that only 'men' are abusive.

I know my Ex SIL did a lot of bad mouthing my brother when they seperated/devoiced. But she was the one who was abusive. He was covered in bites, been strangled, but my brother would never admit what was happening/happenned other then to my mum and me.

JaneS · 22/09/2010 15:30

chatch, for me personally, it's not that I automatically believe the woman, but that I tend to sympathize with someone who says they were abused, when their partner or ex is saying it's slander. I know that's biased, though.

In this particular situation, although ZigZag is right that it's odd people seem to believe slander, I did find the OP a bit suspicious. And, sorry, I find the following descriptions of the ex even more suspicious.

Why on earth shouldn't this woman say she's been healed of her mental illness?

JaneS · 22/09/2010 15:31

I don't think you appear insensitive either, btw.

Just that for me, it's not a man/woman thing at all.

booyhoo · 22/09/2010 15:41

chatch can really 100% say for sure that he wasn't abusive? really? do you kno wthat for sure? were you there 100% of the time? i understand your loyalty to your friend and of course you believe him, how could you be his friend if you didn't? all I am saying is, he could b elying just as she could, it's just that you are friends with him so chose to believe that she is the liar.

chitchat09 · 22/09/2010 15:58

LittleRedDragon - I am assuming that 'healed' means - 'we have laid our hands on you and prayed over you and now you are healed' rather than a medical 'healing' IYSWIM. That's how it reads to me, anyway.

I have to agree with the OP, I know of women who in a church environment proclaim themselves the victim because that is the way they know how to fit in. If they were the wrong doer/agressor, then they wouldn't have a place in some of these evangelical churches. In some extreme cases only the 'innocent' party is even allowed to remarry in the church. Wouldn't you want to make yourself appear as innocent as possible in that case???

Granted, women abusers might be the minority of the cases, but I have known male abusers (my ex-BIL) and female abusers (ex friend whose behaviour I couldn't tolerate anymore - when she went to hit my DH I pointed out that if she threw a punch at my DH then he was damn well entitled to slap her straight back she was mightily offended, she thought she could hit men as much as she liked but THEY were not allowed to hit back because they would be abusing her if they did - and her boyfriend was covered in bruises !!!)

JaneS · 22/09/2010 16:01

Oh, gosh, I see chitchat. I didn't read it like that at all - it came across to me as if the OP was trying to express doubt that the woman really was mentally well now.

I do know what you mean about some cults/churches urging people to see themselves as victims - if that is the case here, it's not great. But then, does it really harm the OP's friend? Surely everyone will know the woman is nutty as fruitcake?

Totally agree that woman abusers are just as bad as men. Don't really understand the counter-argument there.

laweaselmys · 22/09/2010 16:11

I would stand on the side of never disbelieving anyone who says they've been abused. Regardless of gender.

However in this situation I find it bizarre that you are so convinced that there was no abuse when presumably you were not present for every second of their relationship op.

This kind of situation also sounds exactly like what happens whenever anyone talks about leaving a charming abused.

In fact I posted I thread a few weeks ago about how annoyed I was for a friend who is having 'she wasn't really abused' spread about her. The bloke was charming. Doesn't mean he didn't hit his gf.

xstitch · 22/09/2010 18:48

Tbh in many ways I would be more concerned about the effect this church may have on the woman. If she has mental health issues doesn't sound the best place for her. What has she actually accused him off, something specific?

Since I don't know them can't say who is in the right. I must say one thing though, the next person who says 'oh but he's such a nice guy' about my xh had better have good ear plugs because I am finding it more difficult not to rant.

Original poster

chatch · 22/09/2010 18:56

Well, I had a break, and this thread seems to have moved on sensibly so I'll pop back.

No, to be fair, I have to say I cant state that I'm 100% sure that my friend is innocent, but then even if we were all 50/50 would it make public pronouncement appropriate? I am sure that the church has got a lot to do with it - I know it's one of those places where you have to have a certain 'story' to fit in - that and how well I know my friend are some reasons for my 99.9% certainty.

Whether or not there was abuse is only a small part of the issue - it's the public defammation of character without presented evidence that's the real issue.

Also, my friend has never accused his ex of slander or abuse of any sort, either publicly or to his friends. It is his friends who are so livid about this situation. In court our friend is only ever interested in presenting what he feels are in the best interests of the child, and, yes, I have seen the evidence of this.

OP posts:

Original poster

chatch · 22/09/2010 18:58

My friend has also never raised the issue of the ex's mental health, either between friends or in court. I know because the ex discussed it with me herself.

OP posts:

BrightLightBrightLight · 22/09/2010 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaddingtonBun · 22/09/2010 19:31

I was in an abusive relationship. Mostly it was emotional abuse (which I didn't realise was happening until he actually hit me....I just thought I was a terrible person.)

When I left him he denied it, point blank. He's all sweetness and light to everyone, and has a very charming personality....to everyone but me.

I'm sure excuses have been made to everyone about our breakup, and no mention about the abuse has been made. I never pressed charges as I thought I'd be laughed out of court (typical victim of abuse.)

Just because he doesn't seem like the type doesn't mean he didn't do it. I'd never disbelieve anyone who says they were abused......TBH I'd say it's more embarrassing to admit that there was abuse than to say you just grew apart.

BoneyBackJefferson · 22/09/2010 19:54

this thread just proves the OP's point and that she/they should be concerned.

booyhoo · 23/09/2010 10:19

"Whether or not there was abuse is only a small part of the issue - it's the public defammation of character without presented evidence that's the real issue."

WHAT????? whether or not there was abuse is only a small part of the issue!!! so you're saying that even if he did abuse her she has no right to tell anyone about it???? seriously? you expect her to be able to prove he hit her before she has the right to tell anyone about it?? he really has worked on you hasn't he?

veritythebrave · 23/09/2010 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicknameTaken · 23/09/2010 10:33

Assuming for the minute that he wasn't abusive, but she has convinced herself he was or she is just pretending in order to fit in at the church - I don't see what he can do about it. So people he's not close to have a negative opinion of him - well, it happens, and if he has friends who believe him, he needs to stick to his friends and ignore the strangers. He needs to be dignified and avoid saying negative things about her. Feelings that run high now will calm down over time.

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