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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call DH an arse because he seems to think that 'polite well-spoken' boys are simply nerds?

31 replies

OrmRenewed · 22/09/2010 10:28

All of our DC have been to local schools - both of which are in quite deprived areas, playgrounds full of the sort of mums that MN loves to hate Wink. They have been free to bring home and befriend any child they want even though some of them did things that silently freaked me out (5yr old allowed to wander around the park along at 9 at night for example!). The secondary school that DS1 and DD are at is in the most deprived ward in Somerset and until recently has an appalling reputation but now very good.

I was talking to DH last night and saying how pleased I was that in the end DS1 always singled out the 'polite well-spoken boys' as friends, avoiding some of the hair-raising thugs that go to the same school. DH smirked and said 'you are such a snob! What you mean is he chooses the nerds'.

I was quite shocked that he should think that. Does a child have to be a bit of a rebel to avoid nerdiness. I'm a nerd - freely admit it - but wouldn't have said DS#1 was. I DH him an arse! He just smirked a bit more. Bastard Grin

AIBU?

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 22/09/2010 10:32

Ormrenewed, YANBU! Why, in this country, is doing well at school, being polite or considerate, and not generally bullying/loud or aggressive, considered some type of personality defect in boys (but not in girls you notice)? There seems to be no mid way between nerd and toughie. Very sad. In some countries, being clever and working hard is highly valued in boys and girls. If I had boys I would feel a bit depressed by this.

MaryAnnSingleton · 22/09/2010 10:34

would rather have a polite well spoken boy than a thug - yoir dh would probably call my ds a nerd as he is polite and well spoken ( was referred to as a 'gentleman' by one teacher in his report Grin ) He is quiet and bookish and loves things like wildlife,animals,birds and is obsessed by music (weirdy avant garde stuff) but he is liked and respected for his gentleness and shyness. Your boys sound lovely.

MisterW · 22/09/2010 10:34

Don't forget that nerds rule the world so your DS is keeping good company.

BuntyPenfold · 22/09/2010 10:34

YANBU but I have met a lot of this. There is a lot of 'boys are rude, boys won't help, boys can't be polite' around where I used to live.
My polite helpful son was called 'gay' and 'nerd' for helping, playing the violin, not dropping litter, eating healthy food by choice etc.
If your DH has the same attitude as the foul-mouthed litter louts. I would be worried to be honest.

thumbwitch · 22/09/2010 10:35

YAsoNBU - your DH is being a full-on arse. Not all polite, well-spoken boys are nerds anyway - what a stupidly sweeping generalisation.

mayorquimby · 22/09/2010 10:39

surely as bad as each other. you think the boys who are not polite and well-spoken are hair-raising thugs, an equally lazy stereotype.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 22/09/2010 10:39

Funnily enough DH is a teacher and a well-educated intelligent man, and as proud as I am when the DC do well in school, but he can't quite shed this idea that boys should be a little bit larey and rebellious.

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 22/09/2010 10:40

Worried now, hope he never teaches mine.

LLKH · 22/09/2010 10:42

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

MisterW, nerds certainly do run the world and they make the best husbands if my DH is anything to go by. Granted, I'm a complete nerd too so we may just be well-matched.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 22/09/2010 10:43

mayor - you are quite right. Some would see DS1 as a hair-raising thug as his non-nerdy pursuit is skateboarding in places where he isn't supposed to Hmm. I have largely found teenage boys to be OK.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmRenewed · 22/09/2010 10:44

Unlikely bunty unless your child is going to go to a school for children with severe behavioural problems.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 22/09/2010 10:44

If my mum had been able to choose our friends growing up I suspect they would have been the polite, quiet, well-behaved types as well. Extended to life-partners in the end as well. Sadly, she was always disappointed... we were nerdy enough without bolting on more nerds for company. :) If you excluded the rough kids then you'd be a snob. If you're all-encompassing then you're just expressing every mother's inner wish.

Cammelia · 22/09/2010 10:45

I love "nerds" they are generally polite and don't go around bothering other people. Your dh's response (re his own son !!) is immature at best and offensive at worst. Is he jealous?

FranSanDisco · 22/09/2010 10:47

I am desperately trying to get ds to speak like a nerd Grin. Failing at this point in time SadWink.

Miggsie · 22/09/2010 10:48

Some boys were running round at our local park beign a bit lairy and one bumped into DD, he then stopped and said "oh, I'm so sorry, are you all right?" cehcked she was ok and ran off with his mates.

DD suffered no ill effects.

So it is possible for boys to be lairy and well spoken. I don't see how they are mutually exclusive?

BuntyPenfold · 22/09/2010 10:52

Well Ormrenewed, he wouldn't have taught my son, but my SS has FAS and might well be in such a school. He is rebellious enough without encouragement(massive understatement).

NineTails20 · 22/09/2010 10:53

If being polite, considerate and well spoken makes boys nerds, then I'm very proud to have two very nerdy boys, ta. Manners cost nothing, as my mum used to say.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 22/09/2010 10:55

That isn't lairy miggsie Grin Lairy in my book is wanting to be a bit threatening, ultra-cool. DH is a seriously committed football fan and was at many of the matches in the 80s where violence kicked off. He can't condone it but always says there was a buzz that he can't explain. I think that, and punk (never trust a hippy) has coloured the way he see things. But DS1 is all long hair, loves LOTR and all things RPG-related, good at science, loves Shakespeare, can quote long strings of Red Dwarf and Hitchhikers - now that is nerdy! But the fact that he is polite, well-spoken and considerate (sometimes) isn't.

OP posts:
Cammelia · 22/09/2010 11:03

I think your dh is confusing "manliness" with aggresiveness

BuntyPenfold · 22/09/2010 11:07

Bit of a worry if he teaches children with severe behavioural problems?

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 22/09/2010 11:14

I don't think he would ever transfer this to children in his class - he's very professional - and he doesn't even alter the way he parents our boys in any perceptible way - but the feeling is still there I guess.

OP posts:
SleepingLion · 22/09/2010 11:17

Just tell him what Bill Gates said: 'Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.'

GetOrfMoiLand · 22/09/2010 11:26

That's strange Orm - my DP is the same. He is a sensible, rational bloke, but has said to me that the boys DD befriends (mostly her air cadet friends) are geeky.

I am glad that she has geeky friends (I am a geek myself, if I am honest) and have told DP this. They are lovely, well-mannered, interesting boys. I would love sons like that. Much prefer that dd is friends with them, as opposed to the swaggering types who go to her school (DD also goes to a school with a 'rough' catchment).

God knows why DP thinks this. I think it comes from the fact that he was in the 'in crowd' at school (bloody 30 years ago)

The geeks rule the world anyway Grin

QueenofDreams · 22/09/2010 11:26

Agree it seems your husband is confusing aggression with manliness. It's a surprisingly common mistake these days. DP is a very manly bloke, but he has strong principles, a belief in right and wrong, believes that real men take care of their families and is well spoken.

As a teen though he regularly skived off school to get drunk or go do handbrake turns in a car park.

Heracles · 22/09/2010 11:30

Looking at it the other way, perhaps he was indirectly defending the kids you were glad your kid hadn't befriended.

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