to be concerned about ds' behaviour?

[washngo]

My ds is just 2, and has frequent tantrums when he doesn't get his own way. Usually he lies down on the floor and cries, kicking his legs. I find this very difficult to deal with, especially as I also have a 3m old baby, and am permanently shattered.

The worst time for tantrums is when we have been somewhere where he has been enjoying himself and i tell him it's time to go home. Massive meltdown ensues. It's all the more frustrating because he's pretty good verbally (he can tell me if he feels sad, or if he is hurt and why etc) but when he's having a strop he doesn't do this - just cries.

He also does lots of things which are mischievous (i hesitate to use the word naughty, as i try not to use that word with ds). These include looking at me, laughing and then saying 'going to do a wee now' whilst im in the middle of changing his nappy, then proceeding to wee everywhere (although i usually catch a fair bit as he has warned me!). He also likes to continue to do things when i've asked him not to, whilst grinning and looking to see what i will do. I think a lot of it is to do with the attention (or lack of it since dd was born). I do try to shower him with love and attention, but it isn't always easy.

I have a friend who shouts a lot at her ds, and today my ds started doing something he shouldn't have been, so i tried to be calm and move him away and ask him not to. Her ds then did the same thing, she shouted and said he was being naughty, and told him not to copy naughty things. I could tell that she thought i had not been extreme enough in my reaction to ds' behaviour, and i am now consumed with all the usual worries - is ds' behaviour my fault? Are the tantrums normal? Do i handle them well enough? Feeling pretty consumed with guilt and not like a very good parent at the moment.

I have noticed at a couple of family events recently that not all toddlers of the same age behave in this way (many seem a lot calmer), and that has made me feel worse.

DH says i need to be consistent - and i try to be calm when i can, but sometimes i do lose my cool and get a bit shouty, does this negate all the times when i have handled things reasonably well?

Sorry that was longer than i intended it to be!

Oh lordy the terrible twos

Praise the good, really OTT

Ignore the bad (within reason as long as someones not getting hurt) or distract with 'My a huge squirrel just came into the garden...oh its gone now'

try not to beat yourself up...oh and shouting might make you feel better for a split second but it really doesnt do anything other than raise your blood pressure

try and give him a little warning before an enjoyable activity comes to an end

He sounds perfectly normal to me!

I just want to say what you are describing is totally normal toddler behaviour even though it makes you anxious and is really stressful. My dd 3.7 is still going through it, started at 2.5 years and never seems to stop. We were making progress for 2 weeks, then we went on holiday to Italy and when we came home the behaviour started again. It always seems that other peoples children are better behaved, I am sure that they are not you cannot see them 24/7 just one little snapshot. They all have their moments believe me.

YABU - You are dealing very well from what you've said with the tantrums. Many 2 yo go through this stage, pushing the boundaries etc. Yes many don't and are calm.

My DS was a live wire always running around - didn't seem to know how to relax BUT he wasn't and never has been a tantrumy child.

When he's doing something and looking at you for attention perhaps say ' would you like to chose a book to read' If he does great positive attention if he continues to do somethings he's not meant to - ignore.

It's impossible - or near on!! - be to be calm all the time but you recognise that which is the good thing.

I have friend who does the same (or did) with regards to DS doing something he shouldn't. It stopped as I would tell DS nicely to stop, if he did and the other child did it, and a comment was made I use to say to DS ' good boy for stopping when mummy asked you'. As her DD would then carry it on, push it etc she began to realise DC will do things they aren't meant too, but them stopping when asked was not something to be negative about.

Best of luck

Just wanted to say this all sounds normal to me!

Other people's children might not appear to behave the same in front of you but it doesn't mean they don't do it (or won't soon!).

Also, bear in mind that having a 3 month old has turned all of your worlds upside down. It does get easier, I promise.

My 2 1/2 year old had a meltdown this morning as there was a dead wasp next to her potty.

Yesterday it was because I didn't put enough toothpaste on her toothbrush.

And breathe......

They're all different, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong just because yours is a handful. Many's the time I've noticed another family wrestling with a screaming toddler, no doubt mortified; my DS and his cousins looking like angels, but the other family didn't get to see the meltdowns from our lot half an hour before or later. I think most of us assume other people's judgements are worse than they are.

You are describing my 2.3YO

All, I feel, perfectly normal... except mine goes mental if there is too MUCH toothpaste on the toothbrush)

THough, today, I did lose it with him and shout at him... and, for the love of god, he listened to exactly what I was saying AND OBEYED IT.

So, while I'm certainly not condoning shouting, I do now feel it has it's place - as a last resort.

completely normal 2 year old behaviour, and you are doing brilliantly well, esp with a 3 month old to cope with as well. give yourself a BIG pat on the back, chill out and enjoy the good times.

ps i have a 4 yo who can still throw a major wobbly now and again, so don't fret!

Some toddlers tantrum, and some don't. I was an absolute bloody nightmare by all accounts - my old play school teacher still remembers my tantrums, FFS - but my brother would sulk for about two minutes then do something else. I think that comes down more to individual personalities than something you're doing!

Keep reinforcing the good behaviour and try to ignore the not so good where possible.

I would also have a word with your friend, BTW, as it seems as if she is undermining your discipline.

Hope you have a bottle glass of wine with you tonight.

Thank you so much for the replies - it is so reassuring when people say this is normal behaviour (when i spoke to my mum about it she just said "i know he's difficult but i don't think it's anything you've done", when all i really want is someone to tell me this behaviour is quite standard!). I'm going to try and up the praise and encouragement, as that's something i do forget to do sometimes. I'm just watching the train wreck that is Don't Tell the Bride with a big glass of wine, which is totally taking my mind off it all!

I agree your DS sounds normal. Sounds like his behaviour is just a typical toddler thing. I also think that parenting style probably has less impact on behaviour than you might think, e.g. shouting or not shouting, prob doesn't make much difference either way, unless you're doing something extreme, which you're not. I even would go so far as to say that a little bit of shouting is not a bad thing, as it can show your kids that what they have done is really not acceptable, I think it's OK to pull rank a bit now and then, as long as the child is not left feeling belittled.

I agree with the suggestions above for a 5 min countdown before leaving the park, or whatever enjoyable activity is going on. With my DD at that age I gave her a 5 min warning, then told her it was time to go and I was leaving, turn and go, she always followed. She surprised me by falling for that so consistently, as if I'd actually leave her alone. She didn't get distressed by this, just whinged a little then got over it.

Sounds like your friend wasn't very understanding or supportive. I'd try not to dwell on it, some kids are just easier to parent than others, perhaps hers is easy and she may be mistaking this as proof of her superior parenting (or perhaps I'm overthinking it!)

I think you're probably at a tricky point on the parenting journey, I started a thread a lot like yours when my DS was a baby and my older DD seemed to be getting a bit out of hand. Several months on from then things have settled down nicely, for us I think it was a transition thing with arrival of new DS.

Best wishes!

Thanks BubsMaw, I am hoping you're right and this is just a difficult part of the parenting journey - have a young baby and ds is at a v demanding stage. When we are at home he seems to want constant attention (if i'm not actively playing with him, he starts to shout 'play with mummy' and whinges if i don't immediately oblige. Unless i am intensivele playing with him (reading him a book, building something with lego with him) he wants the tv on - cue more guilt! I hope he may get a little more independent as he gets older.

I would discuss these incidents with the friend i mentioned but i absolutely know she would refer to the fact that her ds behaves better than mine ( she has made veiled refs to this in the past which i have ignored) and put this down to her way of 'disciplining' him, which i know would lead to an argument which i'd prefer to avoid.

Hopefully things will get easier soon as i'm beginning to run out of patience! Also, have hit a bit of a wall with the tiredness from night feeds so could really do with some easier days.

Also meant to add that if i do use my very best stern voice and get cross with him he just laughs and thinks it is hilarious. And i'm a teacher so i think my stern vioce is fairly tried and tested. He just isn't that bothered by it at all. He doesn't like it v much if i tell him that he has made me feel sad, and responds better to this, but it makes me feel like i'm using some sort of emotional blackmail!

My eldest also didn't respond to the stern voice and just used to laugh. My second responded to it. Your friend shouldn't be feeling smug, as she may well have a child next time round who pushes boundaries from very early on, and has big tantrums.

Sounds like normal behaviour for his age, he is pushing the boundaries and buttons to see what reaction he gets.

I think you have say what you mean and mean what you say at any age.

It also helped me to tell my ds's what i wanted them to do instead of what not to do if that makes sense.

Perhaps have a potty ready for when he tells you he is going to do a wee. Then sit him on the potty and tell him "you dont wee on mummy, you wee on the potty".

I'd also say that for me, with my very attention seeking two year old, the advice to ignore made things far worse. I found if I ignored her attention seeking behaviour, it didn't go away, it escalated, for example putting open safety pins in her mouth and laughing when I was feeding the baby. In the end, I realised that if I clamped down on the naughtiness (I don't personally think relabelling it as mischevous or anything else really makes any difference) straight away, at the first sign of trouble, (e.g. by distraction, one warning followed by action, time out, not having something desirable if not behaving nicely whatever), it was much easier and I seemed to be more in control.

But that's just me, and many people swear by the ignore, ignore, ignore route ( and I do ignore any minor paddies now she's nearly seven!) I just found at that age that ignoring ended up being power struggle for attention and didn't actually extinguish the behaviour.

Some toddler stuff you can let go but I think that once they start to think misbehaving is funny.... peeing all over the place, grinning etc., then you have to get a lot tougher because it simply means they aren't taking you seriously.

You have to have light and shade tactics to achieve this. Wall-to-wall shouting is not effective because they ignore it eventually. You need lots of praise for things done nicely, total blanking for idiotic stuff like lying on floors screaming, and you need to find something stern inside you for the 'taking the piss'/dangerous/antisocial aspects.

Don't be afraid to use the word 'naughty'... it's a legitimate part of your parental weaponry.

Oh just thought of another one. A 5 minute warning and preparing before you start something your ds enjoys.

For example going to the park, i would tell ds before we went, we are going to the park for an hour, then we have to come home. 5 minutes before we have to leave the park i tell him 5 more minutes then we are going home.

Playing a game, we are going to play x amount of times, then pack away. Then warn last game before you stop.

No one no matter how old, no one likes to stop doing something they are enjoying immediately without any warning.

Don't worry. He seems a perfectly normal 2 year old. You are doing very well.

You've just described my 2 year old perfectly!!! Honestly, it's normal, it will pass (or so I repeat 100000 times a day!)

Taking them away from the park is the worst.had to carry dd out kicking and screaming today

My dd hates having her teeth brushed.I have to pin her hands together or she will hit me.she kicks screams blue murder when im brushing them.iv tried normal tooth brush,musical tooth brush,adult tooth brush,electric and vibrating one to no avail she still hates it

Your DS sounds perfectly normal... I agree with the PP who have said about giving a 5min warning before the fun activity is due to end and affirming at the start how long you are going to be there. We did that with DD (she's now just turned 3) and it had a really positive effect on the tantrums she used to have.

Hope you enjoyed your wine, I find it cures many, many things :)

TBH I do think it´s the "luck of the draw".

My son has always been much more placid & reasonable than my daughter.

He was 21months when I had daughter & was happy to be cuddled/read to whilst I bfed her.

He didn´t show jealousy & I don´t remember terrible 2s with him.

But oh my goodness, daughter was terrible enough for both of them and some by the time she got to two.

I would have to be quite firm about the deliberate weeing though.