to be concerned about ds' behaviour?

[washngo]

My ds is just 2, and has frequent tantrums when he doesn't get his own way. Usually he lies down on the floor and cries, kicking his legs. I find this very difficult to deal with, especially as I also have a 3m old baby, and am permanently shattered.

The worst time for tantrums is when we have been somewhere where he has been enjoying himself and i tell him it's time to go home. Massive meltdown ensues. It's all the more frustrating because he's pretty good verbally (he can tell me if he feels sad, or if he is hurt and why etc) but when he's having a strop he doesn't do this - just cries.

He also does lots of things which are mischievous (i hesitate to use the word naughty, as i try not to use that word with ds). These include looking at me, laughing and then saying 'going to do a wee now' whilst im in the middle of changing his nappy, then proceeding to wee everywhere (although i usually catch a fair bit as he has warned me!). He also likes to continue to do things when i've asked him not to, whilst grinning and looking to see what i will do. I think a lot of it is to do with the attention (or lack of it since dd was born). I do try to shower him with love and attention, but it isn't always easy.

I have a friend who shouts a lot at her ds, and today my ds started doing something he shouldn't have been, so i tried to be calm and move him away and ask him not to. Her ds then did the same thing, she shouted and said he was being naughty, and told him not to copy naughty things. I could tell that she thought i had not been extreme enough in my reaction to ds' behaviour, and i am now consumed with all the usual worries - is ds' behaviour my fault? Are the tantrums normal? Do i handle them well enough? Feeling pretty consumed with guilt and not like a very good parent at the moment.

I have noticed at a couple of family events recently that not all toddlers of the same age behave in this way (many seem a lot calmer), and that has made me feel worse.

DH says i need to be consistent - and i try to be calm when i can, but sometimes i do lose my cool and get a bit shouty, does this negate all the times when i have handled things reasonably well?

Sorry that was longer than i intended it to be!

Thanks - hopefully dd will be a no-tantrums-toddler then! They are both asleep at the moment so having a breather.

I'm going to try to follow all your advice as all your ideas sound great - thanks. Must say i'm still slightly confused about remaining calm and ignoring bad behaviour, but being firm, while also being consistent. I think i'll just have to decide what response the situation warrants, and act accordingly and not worry too much about whether i'm being 100% consistent.

My sis in law reckons that ds is too young to try to 'discipline' and that he needs distraction, but i don't think this is always the best option.

diddl - am going to try to crack down on the weeing, bit concerned it might pose problems when potty training!

I agree with everyone else, this is all normal toddler behaviour!! Everyone else has already suggested what I would have.

I just wanted to say for DaisyDaresYOU have you tried singing the toothbrush song with her?? Its from play school, I've tried on YouTube but doesnt seem to be there... There are other songs too though. I've always found with the kids I nanny for if they aren't keen to brush, the toothbrush song works wonders :D (maybe try downloading it from iTunes or something??)

I agree that distraction can be a good starting point.

But how many times can you just keep starting a new activity or finding somewhere else to go?

Deliberate weeing shows he´s fairly savvy about how to annoy so perhaps old enough to learn that some actions have consequences!

Washngo, look on the bright side, if you ds is telling you he is going to wee on you, then weeing. He knows when he needs to go and can tell you, he might be ready for potty training already!

My ds used to wee up my back in the bath and find it hilarious. He then moved onto moving targets, the cats!

To help with consistency, do you think your DS is old enough for house rules? It would probably help you as much as him if you think through what it is that really annoys you, e.g. weeing, plus any dangerous stuff like hitting/biting etc. and make those forbidden. Other stuff like lesser misdemeanours you could also include but have a different response for. You could perhaps write down the rules and categorise them, e.g. red, amber and green misdemeanours. Red stuff e.g. weeing gets a firm response, green stuff gets ignored, amber stuff you perhaps acknowledge and just tell him to stop? (this would be for your benefit and whoever else may look after him, realise he'll be too young to read, but you could discuss it with him),

I went through the rules exercise for my DD, we didn't write the rules down as such but it was helpful to discuss with DH so we were being consistent with each other. We had hit crisis point then as we were all so tired, she was getting so naughty, and DH had started smacking her . It ended up turning into a reward chart when we figured out that a lot of the things she did which were really annoying were refusals, e.g. refusal to brush teeth, wash hair, take medicine etc. So we ended up with reward chart rewarding cooperation with those. It took less time than I expected to turn her behaviour round once we'd implemented this, she was 4yo at the time though, could be different for a 2yo.

Also my DDs behaviour is very strongly related to her sleep. If she's well rested she's a much nicer little girl to be around. For most of her life she was a sleep avoider, but recently she's improved and can recognise when she's tired.

I had a really chilled 2 year old, he's now approaching 4 and his tantrums are awful. So hopefully your DS will be nice and calm by then!

Sorry meant to add, it's all normal.