To be angry with this mum and not want to see her again.

[strawberrycake]

My ds has what people often call mongolian eyes/ double eyelid- the epicanthic fold. We're Russian/ Ukrainian (and white). I know they're unusual here on white babies it's quite common for them to crop up in 'white' families in the East, not surprising considering our history/ proximity to Mongolia!

Anyways, a mum leaning over the buggy today said;
'oh they're beautiful those mixed babies'
I thanked her for the compliment, they stated we don't consider him mixed, all relatives we know and way back are from a very small area! Smiled as I said it.

Now that bits fine, I can see the confusion, despite him being blue-eyed and fair. No offense taken, the next bit blew me away..

'oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise there was something wrong with him' (!)

I asked her what she meant (in a bit of a warning tone) and she said 'well it's a sign something's wrong isn't it ('innit' actually)? Like Down's or the alcohol thingy...but he looks so alert considering'

Now even if there was something up it's a damn rude way to bring it up in front of others in a pitying tone!!! I called her fucking ignorant at this point, braying about ds like that while half the cafe tried to clock a look at him.

My other friends think I over-reacted and should have just explained it out to her, but I was REALLY angry at how she approached it. Fine if she'd said 'oh that's unusual' or 'do you know why he has eyes like that?'. Now it's like I've made the mum meets awkward, when I feel she did. It was NOT a nice tone she used at all, surely if you think a child has SN you don't stare at them and point it out loudly?

She sounds like a complete twit.

I feel like a bit of a dick as my son has this as he is quarter Malaysian and I just had to Google too as I had never heard of it either - hes 8

YANBU I have had many a tactless remark over the years (esp as my other two children are white with blue eyes and blonde hair) such as "Oooooh you've got one of each!!" whilst with both my sons who have different colored skin and "X has a chocolate brother"

I put it down to ignorance and just feel a bit sorry for them tbh....

She sounds dim, but not malicious?
I get this a lot with my DS, he doesn't have the epicanthic fold thing, but he has a "facial difference", as I've sometimes heard these things called! It's a minefield - people don't know whether you want them to pretend they haven't noticed, or to talk about it, or what. And some people say the first thing that comes out of their mouths unfortunately.

I grew up with a brother who has a "facial difference" Odysseus, it certainly makes you think before opening your mouth, or judging only on appearances I think.

I stand by my premise that she is just thick.

I have eyes like that and so does my youngest DD....nobody has said anything about her...gosh she just sounds like a fool this woman! Don't even think about her!

The only thing I had was once in Spain, an Italian asked my name...and if you split the sylables it COULD at a push sond Japanese...so hhe said "Oh I love Japanese chicks!

Lol....my eyes and my DD's are what makes us unusual...we love them!

YANBU....she sounds like she is very dim..be bigger than her the dozy mare!

It does, and yet, I still find that I don't know what to say when I meet someone else in a similar boat.

I do like people to mention it - I hate to feel that they're thinking it and are too embarrassed to say, but I also know some people prefer it not mentioned.

I also hate the term "facial difference" I might add but, it's the best of a bad lot!!

Welcome to my world.
She assumed that your child had either Downs or FAS, and was both pitying and sorry for you.
You were supposed to reel with the shock of someone being 'kind' to you and your damaged child and weep with gratitude.
Instead of which, you got cross.
' surely if you think a child has SN you don't stare at them and point it out loudly?'

Umm, if only that was always the case.

so, she's never met anyone from your part of the world before, and jumped to some incorrect conclusions - because she didn't know better.

she was rather tactless, but instead of educating her, you call her 'fucking ignorant'

nobody can know everything, we all have huge areas of ignorance. i would rather deal with ignorant people, who don't know better, than rude, abusive, bullies.

'I asked her what she meant (in a bit of a warning tone) and she said 'well it's a sign something's wrong isn't it ('innit' actually)? Like Down's or the alcohol thingy...but he looks so alert considering'

Now even if there was something up it's a damn rude way to bring it up in front of others in a pitying tone!!!

llbeanj, that's not tactless, that's rude and offensive. I've got a bit fed up with those sort of comments over the decades, and see no reason not to say so.

Well, to clarify a few points.

I did accept the original compliment, I SMILED when correcting and brushed it off light-heartedly. Being mixed race isn't an insult. Mildly funny considering his looks, but nothing to bother about.

I think it was beyond ignorant or thick for a few reasons. Her tone and manner were RUDE. If I see a child with a limp for example I don't shout loudly in a public place 'oh sorry his legs are funny'. It's not an acceptable way to broach the topic of SN at all. Ask yes, but don't pity/ make the child with possible SN the focus of a group like an exhibit.

Also she was not embarrassed or sorry, she can only she I'm in the wrong for getting arsey. I've had a text now (from another mum) saying she thinks I should apologise (none forth-coming from her). She's a well-off competative yummy mummy type who loves to compare how wonderful her dd is to others.

It's possible to have a fold for ANY race, it's not massively common in Ukraine, but crops up occasionally.

I do think her type are 'rude, abusive bullies'. She was rude to point out what she saw as problems with my ds to a group of people, SN sadly is often used by these types as a term of abuse (it shouldn't be, but look why certain charities and school programmes have had to change their names)/ humour and it's bullying to make yourself or family feel/ look better at the expense of other's feelings.

It took me back to when my sister was a baby, she had hydrochapelius (sp) and an usually shaped head (fine now btw) and people like her where forever pointing it out like we hadn't noticed.

My blood is boiling at her rudeness. Do your friends really think it was acceptable for her to quickly assess your baby for SN as she hovered over his pram then comment loudly on her findings? She is on another planet.

GoblinLady - spot on

Sounds like my MIL! YANBU. How rude and tactless of the silly cow.

"One of my friends (the one who has 2 DC with the epicanthic fold) has those eyes herself, so I wouldn't have thought it odd. In our group of friends we always said how exotic and lovely her eyes were, whilst thinking no more of it."

I think this is exactly what the woman tried to say to OP with her first comment(clumsily so maybe) but then was led by OP to think it was not an ethnic reason, hense the very very stupid next comment.

She was rude, but I wouldn't call someone 'fucking ignorant' as you did - it's a bad example in front of a child however young they are.

Calling someone "fucking ignorant" is awful.

Looking back at OP, I agree with your friends.

Why not just accept the compliment.

It was imo your cack handed explanation that led the woman to say what she did.

oh my goodness! ive just googled it! thats what i had when i was little and both my children! i never knew it had a name! all the people in my mums side of the familu have it, we called it eye flaps!

our family is from norway originally...

ignore this rude woman, whether she ment it or not she shouldnt have said it anyway!

i love eye flaps!

I have never of it and when caught on the hop after assuming that it was a child of mixed race I would then go on to wonder whether it had a disability.

She was tactless but I can see how she ended up there.

Most people would have not known what to say and not wanted to put their foot in. It's to her credit she still tried to engage with you and make an apology about her assumptions (even though while making the apology she made yet another crass assumption )

She shouldn't have said it, I wouldn't, however, my friend who has a little Down's syndrome boy gets very upset as no-one ever mentions it when she thinks it's quite visible. So, sometimes you can't win.

I also think calling someone ignorant is out of order, but I can understand why you were upset.

YANBU

EdgarAllInPink

What does this mean??

"that's really odd, because DH remarked this morning that kids round here have 'that eyelid thingy' and couldn't remember the word for it. We're in Sussex, and not even East Sussex....."

It does sound like she is a bit dim. BUT after her 'mixed babies' comment, why did you not just say that the fold runs in your family? You confused her, she gets flustered, makes YET ANOTHER massive faux pas and you get the hump and call her fucking ignorant.

Now I'm a reasonably intelligent person, but there are things that I am ignorant about too. No one is a fount of all knowledge - so I think you were harsh in saying that and not simply correcting her and reducing her ignorance levels a little.