An AIBU that no one will agree with me on. Flame.

[onceproana]

I feel I deserve the flaming for this, hence the choice of place to post. Have name-changed from regular though as I feel ashamed.

I was once anorexic, I...enjoyed it frankly in a weird way at times, though it was not sustainable and I overcame it slowly have moved on. I was 5'9 and 6.5 stone and I was on top of the world. I was as a teen heavily into the pro-ana world and even was involved a large website. I recognise it was stupid, I see some of the causes, I know the effects and I know I'm bloody lucky to have ds at the end of it all. It was control, ultimate control.

Now I've had ds it feels like my body isn't mine, it's too far out of my comfort zone. It's one thing to relax and maintain a low healthy weight, but childbirth and pregnancy have blown that out of the water.

Each night I think about anorexia and wanting to achieve it as a goal again. I want it back. Whatever it did, I feel like I could control it now I'm older. I know I have the willpower for it, once I'm on a roll with not eating I become a master of it quickly. It's not a case of getting back there, I know if I stop trying I can easily regain it as it's always there.

How fucking selfish am I with a 4month old ds to feel like this. I don't know if I'm punishing myself in a weird way for his eating issues, he is poorly gaining weight and feed refusing and it's a nightmare trying to find out the issues. I keep getting out old pictures of me thin and wanting to shed this fat. I think the dealings with various medical staff is shredding my confidence too, plus bringing back old situations and hospital visits that I self-inflicted/ didn't NEED to have. I feel like I'm wasting nhs time again.

I seem to have a mental block about thinking about it rationally, despite knowing facts. I just can't do sensible weight loss after birth, it's binge or nothing.

So I WANT to be anorexic again. Flame me. I'm only eating soup now and I know it's stupid. Kick me up the arse.

Keep thinking about whether to actually post this.

Please, please get some help. I think you may have post natal depression (Im not a doctor but I have suffered post natal depression in the past. I know it can be overwhelming when you have a baby but things can get better. You need to be healthy and well to be a good Mum to your little boy (no offence meant to anyone suffering from any other type of illness). Do you have any one to talk to in RL? If not please see your GP and s/he should be able to help (or point you in the direction of someone who will). Best of luck to you and your lovely litle boy.

Have you seen your doctor or spoken to your HV? You know you need to get help. You don't mention a DH or DP - is he supportive? I suffered from bulimia in my late teens and was borderline anorexic at one point so really sympathise. Have you tried posting this in mental health to get some practical advise?

You don't need a kick, you need help. I have no experience to offer, but someone will come along soon.

why not excersise instead of not eating? toned bodies are much hotter than bony ones. You can still eat (healthily) and be in control of your size, and excersise is a positive step. Fasting is self-destructive and will definately impact negatively on the rest of your life- as you know. Gaining control of your body through excersise will give you more energy, appetite, and a nice bum.

One almighty kick up the arse coming your way.You are a mum now and must think of your baby before yourself.You know its a dangerous route to go down,although i havent been in your situation and dont have the driving force that you may have.Who would look after your child when you become too sick to look after it yourself.Please dont start on this destructive course again,for both of your sakes

Glad you posted Once. Sounds like you are actually kicking YOURSELF up the arse. From what you say, you have learnt the hard way that this is no way to go. Do you really want to go back there again??

No flaming, but please get some help. Every time you don't want to eat something, take a mouthful for your boy - I hope that doesn't sound emotionally blackmailing - I just mean that having an external person to do it for might just keep you away from the edge. But please get help - you need support, not flaming.

YAB bloody stupid! Get some help - you have a DS who needs a fully functioning mum.
Having a small baby can make you feel totally out of control, it's no real wonder you are trying to get some back. TBH it's probably the only area you have control over at the mo - you can't control when/if you sleep, you can't control the worries in your head but controlling your body with anorexia is not the way forward.
Get to a Dr [hug & kick up bum]

sorry if that sounded insensitive, just trying to think of a way for you to feel in control without fasting.

Once, you won't get any flaming from me. I think you are pretty self-aware because you know the anorexia was really about control, not thinness. I can relate to it, in a very small way. Years ago when my life was going through a complete tits-up phase and I was three stones overweight because of it, I went on a diet and lost all the weight in 6 months. I was nowhere near anorexia, was genuinely overweight and never fell below a healthy weight, but for me it was about control. I couldn't control anything else in my life but I could control what went in my mouth. The weight loss was just the measure of my success in controlling something - anything. I really needed to have something to hold on to, and weight loss was it.

Having a child is chaotic. You mention some problems with your son's feeding, so there's an aspect of your life that is outwith your control. Sorry for the pop psychology, but is it possible that it's control you long for rather than anorexia? Please don't be too hard on yourself.

Onepro - thanks for posting. You will help yourself and other people by posting - and who cares where you post.

I had two thoughts.

Some children gain weight slowly despite the best efforts of their parents - your weight issues and his are not necessarily related. But if you get treatment for yourself you will know and he needs a healthy mother in any event;

Anorexia is a disease and it sounds like you are having a relapse. Please get professional help from people who actually understand eating disorders.

self loathing makes you seek aibu kicking.you are stresswed,tired,overwhelmed new baby.maybe in a perverse way ED gives you a certsainty and bit of control that you seek

do seek out gp advice,if you cant articulate print thread or ask to read it there

you need help

best wishes

A lot of replies, I don't what I want as such, it just seems a solution right now for some reason.

I think the first year after a baby is born you can be very emotionally vulnerable and perhaps more prone to old issues rearing their ugly heads again.

PLease get some help - see your GP?

While you may WANT to be anorexic again, it would be bloody selfish (I know, I know, is a compulsion, but still ..) to make yourself ill again and to deprive your ds of a healthy mother.

ok. I am going to be totally honest and suggest that control is the biggest part of annerexia (sp) and having a 4month old is the biggest feeling of being out of control there is. You feel like you are losing control of your life, your routine, your ability to sit and eat a meal in one sitting whilst it is hot, sleep etc.

For me i can see that it is very easy to head back to where you had ultimate control. You know that you are not in a good place. Well done. first step to sorting it.

Next step get some help for the thoughts and the emotions behind needing to be in control in this extreme manner. I think for any recovering (and i say recovering because i dont think that you are ever truely recovered) periods where hormones and stress are so extreme are trigger points where those who have been there before might slip into negative eating thoughts. well done for fighting it and to want to stop it going to far!!!!

Sorry no flaming here either.

Sorry that was very brief for such thoughtful replies. Sorry.

This is very self-indulgent. I am terrified that if I relapse they will think son's weight gain is linked to my issues. It isn't, I love seeing him eat. I want a roly-poly baby. He's beautiful. I would never do anything to harm him, but I dread how it would look, skinny baby, skinny (or wanting to be) mum. So I'm really scared of help at the moment, and I worry it would get in the way of a diagnosis for ds.

I'm not going to flame you, but please, please speak to your doctor or health visitor about how you're feeling. You think you can control it,but you can't- that's the nature of addiction, of which anorexia is a type. Sooner or later it will control you and it will cost you time, and possibly your relationship, with your DS.

As you know, anorexia isn't just about food and weight, it's about feeling in control and life can feel pretty out of control with a new baby, so we may seek ways to regain our feelings of control. My particular way of controlling after DD was born through cleaning and creating order in the house- I had OCD and needed cognitive behaviour therapy and a short course of anti-depressants which helped. Please speak to a health professional tomorrow.

I'm in no danger of a low weight at the moment I must stress. I have lost just over 3 stone of the 4 I gained (binged) in pregnancy and was a sensible weight. No immeadiate concern. I do not wish to worry.

I think that your particular out-of-controlness is exacerbated by your ds's feeding difficulties, and that's very hard - new baby is tough anyway, even if you're naturally chaotic like me.

But think - going to seek help and saying I feel like this but I KNOW it's not good for me and ds - that's showing the hcps that you are taking control (by seeking help) and acting absolutely in the best interests of your ds, rather than waiting until you spiral downwards and someone else notices.

I used to have anorexia which lead to bulimia years ago and it took ages to stop it. It just completely took over my life as it was all I could think about. You need to remember this and think about how it will have an impact on you and your child.

You need to be a role model for your child. Before you know it you will be weaning and eating together should be a bonding time.

I know what youre saying about not doing diets and how much in control of your life you think you could be again. Just don't do it. It is seriously not worth the damage you will do to your body and the impact this obsession will have on you/your family.

Enjoy your wee one and try to embrace what amazing thing your body has done. Can you not do exercise every day instead, it will probably help you to feel a bit better? Are there any other issues going on in your life? ie change to circumstances that your finding hard to cope with?

did you/do you have psychiatrist or cpn?is there a dp?who supports you

Anorexia is like an addiction (plus you see 'results'). It's something that never leaves you but draws you back to it whenever you feel unable to cope with a life situation.

It's horrid and terribly gripping, but stop being so hard on yourself, that will only make it worse.

Speak to your HV/GP asap. They can refer you for the help and support you need. This feeling will not leave you ever. You just need a way to control it so that it doesn't take over.

Oh proana I was an anorexic as a teenager. I remember the high, I remember the virtuous feeling, the power not eating made me feel I had, power over my body.

But I don't have those issues now. You are reverting to anorexia because have a young child is hugely stressful and palces massive demands on you physically and emotionally, so you revert to what you know, what feels good. We all do it, in some way. For me, I might indulge in taking hour long candle lit baths and watching Corrie religiously. For you, it's something different.

Life will be much happier for you and your dc if you find another way though. Please talk to your HV or GP. And of course there is always Mumsnet.

I agree with the poster who said that your stress over yur DS's feeding is not helping.

I'm a recovering Anorexic too...my struggle also involves a desire to once more be where I used to be....it's like alcoholism...always with us.

I can't advise on help...I sort of hug my Anorexia to me...keeping it for later...I know/fear it might return and kind of want it to.

I'm nowhere near as thin as I was but still hanker after the ribby look I once had.

I look at pictures too....I think you may need to spek to someone because of your sons young age...could you also have som pna whch could make your Anorexia return?

Oh Proana I think your thread is a cry for help. Someone needs to reassure you that you are a lovely mummy. Who is supporting you at the moment? Please see your doctor and explain how you are feeling. There may be support groups or counselling might help. Also, I do remember when mine were babies and all the other mum's seemed to be doing it all perfectly with sleeping, eating, chubby babies. It was only much, much later that I realised most of it was "pretend" and really they were all going through much the same as me,