An AIBU that no one will agree with me on. Flame.

[onceproana]

I feel I deserve the flaming for this, hence the choice of place to post. Have name-changed from regular though as I feel ashamed.

I was once anorexic, I...enjoyed it frankly in a weird way at times, though it was not sustainable and I overcame it slowly have moved on. I was 5'9 and 6.5 stone and I was on top of the world. I was as a teen heavily into the pro-ana world and even was involved a large website. I recognise it was stupid, I see some of the causes, I know the effects and I know I'm bloody lucky to have ds at the end of it all. It was control, ultimate control.

Now I've had ds it feels like my body isn't mine, it's too far out of my comfort zone. It's one thing to relax and maintain a low healthy weight, but childbirth and pregnancy have blown that out of the water.

Each night I think about anorexia and wanting to achieve it as a goal again. I want it back. Whatever it did, I feel like I could control it now I'm older. I know I have the willpower for it, once I'm on a roll with not eating I become a master of it quickly. It's not a case of getting back there, I know if I stop trying I can easily regain it as it's always there.

How fucking selfish am I with a 4month old ds to feel like this. I don't know if I'm punishing myself in a weird way for his eating issues, he is poorly gaining weight and feed refusing and it's a nightmare trying to find out the issues. I keep getting out old pictures of me thin and wanting to shed this fat. I think the dealings with various medical staff is shredding my confidence too, plus bringing back old situations and hospital visits that I self-inflicted/ didn't NEED to have. I feel like I'm wasting nhs time again.

I seem to have a mental block about thinking about it rationally, despite knowing facts. I just can't do sensible weight loss after birth, it's binge or nothing.

So I WANT to be anorexic again. Flame me. I'm only eating soup now and I know it's stupid. Kick me up the arse.

Keep thinking about whether to actually post this.

Right, all the people telling OPA to eat, it's not helpful - it's exactly analogous to telling an alcoholic "just stop drinking" - about as useful as that. OPA - you know the self control is for you in not fasting - fasting isn't self control it's diving right back where you want to be, also to continue the alcoholic analogy, "safe" weight loss will always be difficult for you to attain ? it?s like the said alcoholic thinking they can ?just have one? down the pub. Be careful which GP etc you go to ? bad help at this time could be worse than no help ? I think you need to speak to someone specialising in eating disorders, and better still find one which has had experiences in dealing with relapses and isn?t dominated by teens ? just speaking to a GP and non specialist about PND may not work as if you really want to go down the not eating route you?ll be very good and experienced in manipulating situations to help you get there.

Life's bloody hard when you have your first kid, and you're tempted to fall back into your illness as a coping (and also escape) mechanism - I?m sorry this has come back and is making your life hard, but don?t take those first steps if you can stop yourself now ? it will make it harder to stop the further down the road you go. Try and get rid of your temptations and triggers ? ditch the clothes that you liked when you were thin, ask your dh to hide/destroy the photos for now. Best wishes. x

Need to leave for work, will be back though. But ana is about control - could it be you feel out of control in new life with baby - understandable as its new.

You need to grow up & stop being selfish! Turn all your energy onto your baby, not yourself! What will happen if you ended up in hospital & social services put him in care because of neglect?? Stop taking your child for granted. I dont care about getting flamed for my opinion on this. You've SERIOUSLY got to sort this out for your child! Those pro anna forums are fucking crazy!

The problem lies in the phrase 'I was once anorexic'... sadly, you almost certainly still are. Anorexia nervosa is principally a serious mental illness which skews normal perception and normal desires to preserve life. The mental aspect is made worse by lack of nourishment - a vicious circle. You have managed to maintain an illusion of being healthy so far but if you have never successfully tackled the mental side of the problem then you will slip back into old habits, very easily.

So you need to do two things quite urgently. One is to stop dieting in any way shape or form... because 'lack of food', however temporary, will mean you find it very difficult to stop. And the second part is to see your GP and explain that the problem is back.

Lovinmybois - annorexia is a mental illness. Would you tell someone with depression they are being selfish and pull themselves together? This lady needs help from professionals, annorexia is a horrible horrible illness and is truley difficult to get over. OP you will get lots of support on the mental health area of this site if you decide you need to get help and stop this before it takes over again.

I gave her the kick up the arse she requested. I'm sure op is a lovely, fantastic person/mother. I've had dealings with the SS & it's soul destroying! I've suffered from depression & mind blowing panic attacks for decades. Which led to me becoming a heavy drinker. I stopped drinking the second i found out i was pg & haven't looked back! I told my midwife who referred me to SS. I seriously thought i was going to have taken ds away from me. They kept me in hosp for nearly a fortnight. I had pre eclampsia & c section at 36 weeks. So, after 5 months of constantly having professionals in my home they've now closed my case. So if someones cry for help asks for a kick up the arse, then that it what she'll get. Also, TRUST ME when i say i have absolute sympathy for her!

OP - what's going on? How are you feeling?