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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my 3 year old to toughen up a little bit?

49 replies

cupcakesandbunting · 20/09/2010 15:02

I probably am BU so am prepared to be told as much...

DS started pre-school a week and half ago and we've had issues with the same boy pushing him over/hitting him three times already. This morning, the little shit boy pushed DS over in the toilets and it made a loud enough bang for the teachers to hear I was assured that it was dealt with but my DS is very placid and unassuming. I don't want to turn him into a thug but I'd also like him just to stand up for himself a wee bit :( I've told him that if anyone pushes/hits him again, then he should shout "don't hit me!" very loudly at them.

I know how DS deals with this type of thing because I've seen it at playgroup/the park. He isn't a wimp about it but he doesn't stand his ground. Am I being daft to worry that not sticking up for himself might set him in bad stead for when he starts "bigger" school? Or should I just let him get on with it?

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 20/09/2010 15:05

Oh the poor thing. As someone with a child 7 years further down the track can I suggest that you make a MASSIVE fuss with the pre-school teachers and get it dealt with. Tell your son to report to his teacher or to you every single incident and keep a record. Tell him that in extremis it's OK to dish out a thump. If necessary, ask for the other child's parents to be hauled in and told about his behaviour. Nip it in the bud because the nice types get steamrollered all the way through school otherwise.

whyamibothering · 20/09/2010 15:11

Let him get on with it to a certain extent -
As you have told him to shout if anyone pushes him again, see how he gets on with doing that. You may find as he grows in confidence and maturity, he will find ways of dealing with others bad behaviour.

If you find that others are taking advantage of his unassuming character, teachers need to be kept informed. With the incident you described the noise alerted the teacher, there may be incidents that dont attract the teacher.

As children progress through school and mature they do seem to learn how to cope better. I think you've done the right thing in instructing him to shout rather than fight back. Give it a while. If it doesn't seem to do the trick, have a word with staff and seek their advice according to how they have assessed your child. It's difficult to give advice here not knowing the child, iyswim.

Original poster

cupcakesandbunting · 20/09/2010 15:18

LOL,the thing is, I've tried to drum into him today about the shouting thing and when I've just said "what do you do if Tyler hits/pushes you again?" he says "I don't know" I know he won't do it :(

OP posts:

PandaEis · 20/09/2010 15:29

i think YABabitU. hes only 3.

some children are just not fighters and there is nothing wrong with that.

i would maybe speak to the school about the little bully boy who keeps pushing your DS and find out what disciplinary processes are in place to deal with this and make it clear that you are aware of the issue and want to be kept up to date with any further issues.

LadyBiscuit · 20/09/2010 15:40

I know how you feel - my DS is exactly the same and a similar age and it breaks my heart that he doesn't stand his ground. But if you make it about what he needs to do, then it becomes his problem and it isn't - it's the thug who needs to change his behaviour, not your DS.

I would speak to the teachers and make sure they keep an eye on the bully.

I'm sure your DS will develop strategies in his own time.

Original poster

cupcakesandbunting · 20/09/2010 16:37

You speak sense, LadyBiscuit. :)

The only thing that worries me is that IME the horrible ones never change. They go through school with their fists and the nice ones bear the brunt...

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pagwatch · 20/09/2010 16:42

You want him to toughen up because you worry about him - which is understandable
But I think LadyBiscuit is spot on. And I know I felt like that with DS1 and tried to encourage him to stick up for himself which , looking back, just made him feel shit.

Itis hard isn't it.

FWIW DS1 did develop strategies as he got older. Rugby helped. He loved it and yet got hurt. So he was not fearful of being hurt and, as bullies trade on fear, they stopped bothering him.

But YANBU. I know what you mean

mumeeee · 20/09/2010 16:42

YABVU, He is only 3

Original poster

cupcakesandbunting · 20/09/2010 16:46

It's hard isn't it, Pag? I understand totally why he's so placid; DH and I are, really and we've brought him up to respect others feelings and not to hit etc. Unfortunately this strategy only works of everyone else does the same wth their kids. Not all parents teach their kids that hitting is naughty.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 20/09/2010 17:28

It is hard. [nods]

Pancakeflipper · 20/09/2010 17:42

My 5 yr old was exact the same. There was a child in his pre-school who would physically hurt him. The nursery were great as they took it seriously ( not much choice really with the bite marks and bruises).

He could never figure out why people would want to hurt each other or be mean when they could laugh and have fun.

It's only recently he's wising up a little ( now in Year 1). I say the same old things to him: if anyone hurts you, you tell an adult. You can tell people being mean to go away, get lost, I'll play when you are nice etc...

Now this particular biting hitting child has recently become a favourite friend of my ES's. Ummmmm - not rushing out with that invitation to tea though....

I think you ensure the pre-school are fully aware of how your child feels and you aware of all incidents but don't go OTT. Just try to provide your child the tools and ideas on how to deal with it. Sadly they have to learn for themselves. But it prepares them for life.

BuntyPenfold · 20/09/2010 17:42

The staff should be supervising the toilets too; where are they?
Ask them to follow your little boy into the toilets when this child is there.

SloanyPony · 20/09/2010 18:05

I've had a few issues recently with my son of the same age with a friend in our group's son who is a thug spirited young thing with feisty fists.

I've always been lucky that DS doesn't hit back - he's not a wimp, he is very assertive verbally and doesn't mind grassing standing up for himself, but he just doesn't hit back, which I'd love to take credit for (sure I have told him a couple of times early on not to hit but he's just made that way) but can't really as its just luck.

But the mother of this child just loves to bury her head in the sand and say things like "oh they all do it" and stuff and its gettting annoying and hard not to just say "well, they dont actually, we've all passed through that stage and only your child is still doing it!"

At 3 I feel they should be coming to the end of the blameless all children hit sometimes bit and have some very definite consequences for their actions, whatever the parent thinks that should be - but at 3 I think it should move on from being told off verbally if that's not working to "we are going home if you do that again" or having something confiscated, or thinking mat if its at nursery, or whatever is deemed appropriate in the context and setting. Some kids are just immune to being told off, it washes over them, and with something like hitting/biting etc there is a victim so its not on.

Its true that your son shouldn't have to change his behaviour. At 3, I wouldn't be too concerned that he's going to be a target, either - he's just a sweet chap. Doesn't mean he'll be a punching bag in future, I'd camp on the preschool's ass and get them to deal with it.

Original poster

cupcakesandbunting · 20/09/2010 18:05

Sorry Pag. I didn't see that you'd said "it's hard isn't it?" in your post too. Let's just have a relay of "it's hard"s until bedtime :)

Pancake that must be tricky. If he does come for tea, put lots of english mustard on his ham sandwich

Bunty the pre-school is open-plan with a big central play-area and an open doorway through to the loos/kitchen area IYSWIM? I can see why the loos might not be supervised all the time, tbh but I think my mega-cat's-bum-mouth might have alerted the teacher to my unhappiness!

OP posts:

pagwatch · 20/09/2010 18:06

I would but I think its too hard

Original poster

cupcakesandbunting · 20/09/2010 18:21

Very hard. Here have a

OP posts:

pagwatch · 20/09/2010 18:26

PosieParker · 20/09/2010 18:32

I have an eight year old who is pretty fierce when dealing with his siblings and cousin(younger) but not the little shits at school. I have suggested that he assertively and loudly says 'don't hit me' but he smiles and laughs it off, with that look that is near to tears falling.

so if anyone has any ideas,, I'm all ears.

LadyBiscuit · 20/09/2010 18:53

It is really hard. I don't think my DS has a problem at pre-school but he is one of the oldest children there and he quite likes being bossed around. But on holiday he was bullied - not physically but verbally - by two little boys who were only a little older than him but showing off to one another. Rather than being horrible back, he got really really upset and I was amazed at the strength of feeling I had fir the ringleader - quite shocking!

I told my DS to ignore them as they were too silly to talk to but that's not the same as physical stuff I know. It is the first time I've ever really felt that mother tiger thing :o

I'm glad that he doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body in lots of ways but I worry as he gets older that he's just too much of a softy. I think the art of the devastating put down is something to work on in later years!

Original poster

cupcakesandbunting · 20/09/2010 19:01

I did a devastating put-down as a youth and got a smack in the chops for my troubles

OP posts:

LadyBiscuit · 20/09/2010 19:03

Ahh but you had the moral high ground :o

Original poster

cupcakesandbunting · 20/09/2010 19:04

And red chops.

I didn't think it through. One of the school bullies from three years above was being a cunt horrorbag, all up in my face and I told her that her breath stunk of shit and to get her mouth away from me. Her breath did smell. I was only being truthful :(

OP posts:

LadyBiscuit · 20/09/2010 19:08

:( Oh dear. Did she leave you alone after that?

electra · 20/09/2010 19:08

Yes yabu because 3 year olds are babies - they haven't yet developed social skills that enable them to stand up for themselves.

I would want the teachers to be keeping an eye on what is happening though!

PosieParker · 20/09/2010 19:14

I put down the bullies at my school and got away with it.

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