To want my 3 year old to toughen up a little bit?

[cupcakesandbunting]

I probably am BU so am prepared to be told as much...

DS started pre-school a week and half ago and we've had issues with the same boy pushing him over/hitting him three times already. This morning, the little shit boy pushed DS over in the toilets and it made a loud enough bang for the teachers to hear I was assured that it was dealt with but my DS is very placid and unassuming. I don't want to turn him into a thug but I'd also like him just to stand up for himself a wee bit :( I've told him that if anyone pushes/hits him again, then he should shout "don't hit me!" very loudly at them.

I know how DS deals with this type of thing because I've seen it at playgroup/the park. He isn't a wimp about it but he doesn't stand his ground. Am I being daft to worry that not sticking up for himself might set him in bad stead for when he starts "bigger" school? Or should I just let him get on with it?

It is hard.

DD was a pushee at nursery, very quiet, quite ignored because she wasn't loud or 'naughty' and a bit of a target.
(She's 11 now, still easy going and quiet, but strong in her own way)

DS (3) is the opposite, lairy, loud and (though much less so recently) prone to pushing.
I think 'thug' is a teeny bit harsh for 3 year olds, but totally understand the helpless tiger mum feeling you get when your pride and joy is being tormented.

It is very hard.

"Toughen up" and "wimp".

Not terms I would use for a 3 year old FFS. At least he isn't the thug pushing others over.

'Wimp' not a term you'd use for a 3 year old but 'thug' acceptable....

I was the one that used the word thug. Some children are thuggish. Even at the tender age of 3-4.

But sooo glad you two have joined the thread to have a little row about it

I didn't call him a wimp, DetectivePotato How fucking dare you?

And now I think of it, I didn't call anyone a thug...

I wasn't saying that you had said thug cupcakes, was just saying that the term was a teeny bit harsh is all.

Was the 'wimp'/'thug' comparison I was bit at.

YANBU - but they're only just 3. DD came home last week with a bite mark on her harm from a little boy. Some children of this age still have poor impulse control and are liable to push, kick and bite when they lose their temper.

FWIW the teachers at DDs nursery have told her to say loudly "No don't do that, it hurts me" if someone hurts her and then to tell the teacher. There's nothing wrong in helping your child be a bit more assertive when something like this happens. But don't get annoyed with him if he's not assertive just yet, he is still v young.

Oops arm not harm!

YABU they are 3

Some children are not taught right from wrong though. My DD was terrified of another little boy at nursery at the tender age of 2. Nursery did bugger all about it until I wrote an official letter of complaint. Social services were involved with the boy's parents and tried to make them take more responsibility for him as ge was in nursery full time and spent most weekend with his GPs. In the end I had to insist that they were kept in separate rooms at all times as he would not leave her alone. This was a private day nursery. The parents said it wasn't their responsibility when he was there which I sympathise with to some extent, but if one of my DCs behaved in that way I would be mortified and would take it upon myself to do whatever I could to sort it out.

Bit different actually calling a child thug/wimp than using the words as a descriptive term...

*Rathersplendid, that is the approach I am trying to take with DS i.e be vocal about not liking people hurting you. I'm hoping that that might be enough.

Oh sorry BountyMuncher I think you were referring to Detective's post not mine!

I am a bit about the terms 'thug' and 'wimp' as well tbh.

ALso, kids who hit or push don't necessarily have parents who don't teach them right from wrong.

My DD is 4 and she is somewhere inbetween 'thug' and 'wimp' (although my DS is of the more sensitive persuasion!). However she has encountered plenty of children who hit and pushed. Not all of them are still doing so at age 4.

One girl was like it in playgroup for whatever reason, and is now a little joy. Another boy bit my DD a few times, and it turned out he was having problems cos his mum was very ill. So maybe a bit less of the judgey pants!!!

Be glad that you have a pleasant, gentle child. Do what you can to encourage him to tell you or nursery staff if an incident occurs, and speak to the staff to ensure they let you know of any problems. But DON'T try to toughen him up, or imply that he needs to be stronger/more assertive.

Oh I am glad that I've got a sensitive, pleasant child. I've always been determined not to raise him as an alpha male. That's not what DH is, nor any of the men in my life now I think about it, and I quite like it that way. It just petrifies me to think of him being bullied/picked on and feeling defenceless :(

Yep I was, sorry cupcakes- I should have been clearer- it's been a long day!

I used thug to describe a child - cc&b didn't and neither did she use 'wimp' to describe her DS.

I used thug to describe a child who spent our holiday: pushing my child/other children; hurling abuse; hurling stuff; yelling; being really nasty (hahaha your friend isn't around today so you have no one to play with) and being rude and physical (smacking etc) with adults.

Thug may be a bit strong but after spending a week with him I didn't see many redeeming characteristics.

He is four though so I don't know if that makes it more/less acceptable.

No problem, BountyMuncher:)

LadyBiscuit, I have no problem describing very disruptive children as thugs, tbh. Thug isn't that bad a word, IMO, and the child you described sounds just delightful. I think there's a difference between just being a bit boisterous and being malicious and the kid you describe sounds malicious. It's heartbreaking when someone is mean to your LO. When I was pregnant, it was my top fear that DS would get bullied at school, before he was even born! Maybe I need to get some perspective. I hope that your DS is not too traumatised though.

Thanks cc&b - I think he's moved on a lot more than I have!

Sorry cupcake, but I just think that at 3, I'd be happier for my son to just take it and not cause a fuss than make a thing about it.

It sounds like the Pre-School know what's happening and will be acting accordingly - my son, lovely as he is, went through a phase of kicking and pushing - which followed a phase of being bitten/fought with and BOY did nursery know about BOTH sets of incidents.

Just keep up to date with it - make a point of asking at the end of the session what it's been like - just make sure that they keep you in the loop.

It's awful when your child's being pushed/hurt in a place where you have no control over them - or the other's child's parents. If you were in a soft play centre for instance, it would be all too easy to go and "have a word" with the parents and hopefully never see them, or their child again - but at pre-school is so much harder.

Weird though, my son and the ex-biter are best of buddies when I see them together at pick-up time although my little boy also likes to play with his bears and when they get rough with each other, will often refer to the one that's "being naughty" as the ex-biting child and tell him to "stop being silly" which I believe is the PC lingo for "naughty" at nursery as they can't call your child naughty anymore.

Your son will know that pushing is wrong, and will see the teachers telling the other child off - just bear with it, it'll be a phase, but don't hesitate to harrass ask the preschool teachers for updates :)

HTH, Sarah x

That does help, thank you Sarah :)

The main advice seems to be keep up to date/onto the nursery, so will do that. However, picked DS up this morning and he'd been playing with the other boy so stands a chance I might be making a bigger deal of it than necessary!

I think that we put ourselves in our children's shoes (and how an adult would feel about being shoved over is very different to how a 3YO feels) plus we want to protect them from any harm or slight. So it's really hard.

I should have added an addendum to my story - the ringleader of the holiday bullying was on the plane back with us and without another older boy to show off with, my DS and he played together very happily at the airport.

Perhaps we can learn something about forgiveness from our children? :o

I think it's fine that you teach him to say 'don't hit me' loudly. Give it a go. And let the assistants kow you are a bit concerned about it so they can keep their eyes open too.