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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel my sister is excluding my DC's

34 replies

Anenome · 20/09/2010 14:07

I have 2 sisters..we all have girls...mine are 2 and 6, sister 1 has twins of 7 and sister 2 has girls of 9 and 8.

Every year we have always ivited one another kids to Birthday parties....at various locations...playcentre's, home, art cafe's and the like...aswell as having some or all of the child's class invited.

Last year my sister 2 decided that she was having swimming party for her eldest and just never invited my kids or my sister 1's kids. We at the time thought it odd...why not just tell us if you want a change in tradition....but our kids were asking about the birthday party and when it would be....we had to say there wasn't one.

Sister 2 knew were hurt/confused as my Mum asked her about it...so just now she called me to talk about her two girls parties this year...she blabbed on about how the younger girl only wants a sleepover with her best friend (she's shy) so I thought ok...fair enough...then she said the elder girl wants a bowling party with classmates and they were expensive...so she's not inviting cousins!

We were always close...AIBU to be hurt? The kids love their cousin...I KNOW she is older at 9...but still...she could have perhaps invited the little cousins to tea or something? So they could give her prsents and sing and all that.....what do you think?

OP posts:
melikalikimaka · 20/09/2010 14:15

She's making it clear that it doesn't automatically mean your kids are invited to their parties.

I would follow suit and just invite friends of your girls. If she asks why, say you can't afford a big party and you have had to limit places. Job done.

diddl · 20/09/2010 14:20

Well children reach an age when they don´t want younger ones at parties or to choose for themselves, don´t they?

It is supposed to be about what the birthday child wants, isn´t it?

walesblackbird · 20/09/2010 14:26

There's 4 years between my nephew and my eldest son and when they were younger I used to invite him to parties. Now that they're both getting older, parties/events getting smaller and more expensive then I don't invite him any more.

For me it would depend on the type of party. If it were a huge one for all the class then I'd probably invite my younger niece and nephew. For something smaller like a swimming party or a football party then I wouldn't.

exexpat · 20/09/2010 14:33

By 8 or 9 I think it's quite reasonable for them not to want to have four younger cousins at their birthday parties, just the school friends they want to invite. Particularly for something like swimming, where the older ones would probably be better swimmers than the younger ones so would be doing different things.

Perhaps your sister should have mentioned it to you, but it's really not such a big thing, is it? If you live close to each other and see each other quite often anyway, why not just turn a normal tea into a mini-celebration - you could invite them.

piscesmoon · 20/09/2010 14:48

Don't make her feel bad about it! There comes a time when DCs pick their own friends and a party can be difficult at that age if you have DCs who don't know the rest. I just let mine pick their own friends for a party at that age and although they get on well with their cousins (go on holiday etc)I don't think they would have invited them (had they lived near).The can still get on really well as cousins without having to be included in everything. It isn't important-there is plenty of time to get together.

hairytriangle · 20/09/2010 14:53

I can understand why you are hurt at the loss of this tradition, but I can also see that her children are now approaching the age where they don't want 'little ones' around.

Even 18 months' difference between my neices makes interesting observation - the elder one (11) clearly does not want her little sister (10) around ruining her street cred and the even littler one is a 'cute nuisance'.

Can you not organise stuff that you all do as a family (picnics, swimming) etc that all of them would like to do, instead of Birthday Parties, now that her girls are growing up?

Greenshadow · 20/09/2010 14:53

How sad for your children.

But, I can understand your sisters point of view.

Four extra children is a lot to fit add to a party - if we had invitied 4 extra (plus our own children) to our children's parties they would only have ended up with about 4 other friends (we've only ever had small-scale parties of around 10 people). Would be different if it was one of those 'invite the whole class' parties.

moominmarvellous · 20/09/2010 14:56

I have 7 nieces and nephews of varying ages and we have this. The different ages do become a problem as they get older. That in addition to the cost of certain types of party.

My DD (3.5) is the youngest and doesn't get invited to the older ones parties which is fine by me and she knows no different, but it can be annoying as the older ones still expect an invite to hers. Obviously they can visit a farm or a soft play centre etc I don't mean it in a nasty way, but it blurs the boundaries. So you need to make sure your sister knows it has to be a two way street.

I now do it so that if we have an actual party for DD (hired kind of thing) it's just friends and the other younger 2 cousins, and we have cousins over for cake and a b'day visit.

coatgate · 20/09/2010 14:58

I always used to invite 'home' friends to DDs parties as well as school friends, but as she got older it became apparent that the 'home' friends who only knew DD were feeling left out. I now only invite school friends and everyone seems to accept that. I sometimes do a birthday tea for family and 'home' friends as well. I think your sister could consider having a family party as well - it would be lovely imo.

2rebecca · 20/09/2010 15:01

I think if your sister has limited space at her daughters' birthdays and the birthday girl prefers to invite friends to cousins that is fine. I don't see this as anything to get upset about. They are still cousins.
I see this as a normal part of kids getting older and becoming more friend focussed.

MorrisZapp · 20/09/2010 15:01

Kids that age will only know they're missing out on anything that you tell them they're missing out on.

I think it's normal for bigger kids to be choosing their own party guests.

liliputlady · 20/09/2010 15:02

I think it's just the way things go once parties get smaller, but a family tea party would be have been nice.

I agree with exexpat - you could invite them and other cousins over. If everyone's local just have them over for a drink and piece of cake so "Happy birthday" can be sung and presents given.

taintedpaint · 20/09/2010 15:04

You sister has gone about this in totally the wrong way, but the MN jury are right, there comes a time when the age gaps matter and this is probably what's at play here. It's understandable that you're upset, because your sister has been really rude in her methods, but what she has done is normal I think.

maryz · 20/09/2010 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VinegarTits · 20/09/2010 15:05

YAB a tad sensitive over it

Ladyanonymous · 20/09/2010 15:09

I used to invite all my mates kids to my kids parties when they were little - but kids move on and choose their own social circles and mine no longer need me to decide who they want to spend time with. Its their birthday.

If the children are being told they can have a party and are allowed X number of guests then its unresonable to expect the children to "take up" four of those places with 4 younger cousins.

I can understand you being a bit hurt but I think its the natuiral progression of things. Sometimes extended family can take over events like birthdays etc - I love my family but on my own bir6thday I want to go out with my mates.

Like others say can you not have other family events throughout the year like BBQ's etc?

curryfreak · 20/09/2010 15:09

This is completely normal. The older children get the more choosy they become about who they want as guests. Sometimes it may just be one friend for a sleepover. Age gaps really do come in to play at parties, especially for nine year olds.
As long as your sister knows it is a two way street and is not expecting an invite for her dc, when it is your dc's turn.

Original poster
Anenome · 20/09/2010 15:42

Yes Maryz...they always want to come to my children's parties and I always go overboard to accomodate them...ie a special party bag tailored to their age....and some activity that will suit all ages....but I do see what people are saying.

However...I think in this case it's my sister not wanting t shell out rather than my niece not wnting little ones at her party...my niece is one of those 9 year olds who is truly 9...she loves horses and small kids...adores my smallest child....I think ..and fair enough...that my sis has decided 4 extra heads is too expensive.

Whatever...but I am still going to keep inviting all cousins...I feel strongly that cousins are a very important part of your childhood and should be there at events like Birthdays.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 20/09/2010 15:56

I never had my cousins at parties or went to theirs. We're a mobile lot though. I never had a cousin within an hour's drive and my kids are the same.

zapostrophe · 20/09/2010 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Anenome · 20/09/2010 16:34

I do understand...just sad they're not small anymore I suppose...but people grow up! I will go round there with a nice pressie and some cakes the day after...maybe begin a new tradition of tenacious Aunty Anenome...who ALWAYS shows up with a bloody tray of cakes whether it's wanted or not! Lol.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 20/09/2010 16:55

We sometimes in the past invited cousins to our childrens birhtday parties and they sometimes went to their cousins parties, But we left it up to the children who they wanted to invite and if they wanted a lot of friends from school we didn't invite cousins.
So YANU to feel hurt

mumeeee · 20/09/2010 16:55

Sorry I mean YABU,

exexpat · 20/09/2010 17:30

Anenome I expect the older cousins do still adore their little cousins - but by their age, birthday parties seem to be the main focus of social life at school - the planning of what you are going to do and who you are going to invite can go on for months (my DD turns 8 next month, and started planning this year's party the day after her last one Shock), and I would guess that not many girls that age would have little cousins at their parties. I agree with the earlier poster who said that as they get older, it is harder and harder to integrate school and non-school friends at parties. Your sister may well have very little say in who gets invited, even if she is paying.

I think if you start the tradition of informal family tea-parties to celebrate everyone's birthdays, and leave the 'proper' parties for friends, you'd be keeping everyone happy and preventing any future resentment all round.

nancydrewrocked · 20/09/2010 17:49

YABU - in all likelihood it isn't your sister excluding your DC it is your neice - which she is perfectly entitled to do one the basis that:

  1. it is her party
  2. it is pretty painful having a 6 year old at your party when you are 9.