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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my friend to tell guests at a wedding I am pregnant before 12 wk scan?

40 replies

Pixipie · 20/09/2010 13:48

I am 10 weeks pregnant and keeping it very quiet as I want to make sure everything is okay with the 12 week scan before I tell people. I went to a wedding at the weekend and saw a friend I hadn't seen for a while. I think she guessed I was pregnant as I wasn't really drinking, but instead of keeping quiet she told a few of my other friends that I was pregnant (who have since told me). She then approached me quite late in the evening (she was pretty hammered by this point) when I was with a group of people and announced "it's okay, I know you're pregnant". At first I just took her aside and said "okay, but I don't want to talk about it as I'm not 12 weeks yet". She then kept going on and on "I'm so pleased for you" etc in front of a whole crowd of people, so eventually I just lost it and basically had a massive row saying how dare you tell people I am pregnant before I have told anyone etc. I am so upset she has taken away my 'special announcement' as all my friendship group now knows. She has since texted numerous times to apologise, but I am just seething! AIBU?!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 20/09/2010 13:51

YANBU to be annoyed but as she has apologised I think you need to accept her apology and move on, unless you are willing to risk losing her friendship over it.
Congratulations by the way :)

Chil1234 · 20/09/2010 13:53

I'm sorry but the only way to keep a secret from getting out is not to tell anyone at all. Once one person knows, everyone knows. No point carrying on being furious... crying over spilt milk achieves nothing. You'll know better another time.

StewieGriffinsMom · 20/09/2010 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadAboutQuavers · 20/09/2010 13:58

YANBU - I would be livid too

But if she's genuinely sorry, I'm not sure it's worth losing a good friend over - assuming she's normally a good friend?

staranise · 20/09/2010 13:59

Of course YANBU - you could have had all sorts of reasons for keeping it quiet.

StealthPolarBear · 20/09/2010 14:00

The OP's friend guessed I think, she hadn't been told

MadAboutQuavers · 20/09/2010 14:01

YANBU - I would be livid too

But if she's genuinely sorry, I'm not sure it's worth losing a good friend over - assuming she's normally a good friend?

Chil1234 · 20/09/2010 14:02

Guessed and had it confirmed... is as good as told. If Pixipie had said 'not pregnant, on antibiotics' then it wouldn't have been a story.

MadAboutQuavers · 20/09/2010 14:04

Oops double post Blush

diddl · 20/09/2010 14:06

How awful that "not really drinking" leads to an assumption of pregnancy!

I would be really angry with her for telling others though rather just talking to me about it.

What´s she like when sober?

ReshapeWhileDamp · 20/09/2010 14:07

I'd go easier on her if I were you. Some people just don't get it, although it was very thoughtless of her. Was she a bit drunk? I come out with terrible clangers when I've had a few! If she's a good friend, it's not worth losing her over.

On a similar line, but I think less forgivably, I was at a toddler group a while back and someone I didn't know was having a whispered converstation with a friend of mine. I wasn't paying any attention, but the leader of the group must have been, because she suddenly shouted 'oooh, I heard that! Congratulations!' and it was entirely obvious that this person had just whispered to my friend that she was pregnant. She was furious. She hadn't planned on telling the world, just a few friends, because of previous MCs. I'm still very Hmm with the group leader because of it. (She wasn't drunk and had no excuse!)

pluperfect · 20/09/2010 14:10

I guess you will have to accept her apologies, but it's not unreasonable to have been annoyed and have had a go at her (altho' a shame about the wedding).

Next time, try my strategy from a work do I was at when pregnant: (1) mingle a lot (so no-one can keep track), (2) accept a Sambuca and decide to have it on your head in a photo. Then spill it down yourself, so you look drunk already, and also smell of alcohol and are all sticky!

Not surprising no-one clocked I was not drinking! Grin

trainsandplanes · 20/09/2010 14:10

Well here's a tip for next time...or for someone else reading...

If you haven't announced the pg, always have an alcoholic drink in your hand at these sorts of things. Nobody will notice that you are not actaully drinking it, especially if you can get your DH/DP to drink some and/or take your drink to the loo and tip some away.

But back to the point, your "friend" seems rather insensitive. If you want to stay friends with her, you'll just have to forget about it and forgive her.

DastardlyandSmugly · 20/09/2010 14:17

A similar thing happened to me.

I was at a BBQ. I didn't even know I was pregnant but just didn't fancy a drink. A guy who was there (friend of a friend) went to another party the week after and told everyone I was pregnant (most of these people are acquiantances not friends).

Fast forward a few weeks. By now I know I'm pregnant but apart from one very close friend we haven't told anyone. I go on a good friends hen night and everyone, even people I don't know, know I am pregnant. Filtered from this one guy who decided to tell everyone before I even knew.

I was furious. YANBU.

ShirtyGerty · 20/09/2010 14:28

YANBU

Similar happening to me with 2 female colleagues.

They love to roll their eyes when I decline a glass of wine and loudly mention to everyone that I'm not drinking in a stupid voice. One of them poked me in the stomach the other day and said, 'I know you've got a bun in the oven'.

Needless to say, they will be the last people in the office that I get round to telling.

nancydrewrocked · 20/09/2010 14:33

If a close friend suspects you are pregnant and you initially refuse to confirm it then of course she is then going to drunkenly speculate with all your other (presumably also slightly inebriated) friends as to whether you are or not. That is just how these things go.

If you then do confirm said pregnancy when it has already been the hot gossip of the night and friend is now "pretty hammered" she is obviously not going to keep it quiet.

I understand why you are disappointed but it was to be expected - every wedding I ever go to seems to have this element to it! Either keep it really quiet and deny it or live with it.

DomesticG0ddess · 20/09/2010 14:38

YANBU, she was completely out of order. When you have calmed down maybe you can accept her apology - maybe reply to her and say right now you're still annoyed, but you'll call her when you've calmed down a bit.

pluperfect, that is really funny!

hairytriangle · 20/09/2010 14:41

YANBU. She's a nosey, insensitive cow.

pluperfect · 20/09/2010 14:44

There are so many of these stories, aren't there? People are just terribly indiscreet and rather obnoxious, aren't they?

DomesticG0ddess - thanks, but I must admit it isn't a very dignified solution, was it?!

StewieGriffinsMom · 20/09/2010 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annec555 · 20/09/2010 14:48

You are not being unreasonable. Even if it is unreasonable to expect someone who makes a correct guess to subsequently keep their mouth shut when drinking (and I am far from convinced that it is), it is not your fault that she guessed and reacted as she did. Inappropriate behaviour under the influence of alcohol is still inappropriate behaviour.
If she is not someone you see often, and if you are not going to think as highly of her in the future, then why not just accept the apology and let the friendship slide?

melikalikimaka · 20/09/2010 14:51

Is she jealous of you? Forgive her this time but don't let her forget it!

nancydrewrocked · 20/09/2010 16:11

SGM but as repeated threads on this subject show people, even good friends/siblings/parents and in laws do gossip about potential pregnancies. Throw drunkeness into the mix and it is a recipe for indiscretions of every kind.

The problem is that the vast majority of people don't see pregnancy as anything other than great news that ought to be celebrated and cannot understand why people would wait to share the news. For many people waiting until 12 weeks seems old fashioned and sadly most people only learn from bad experiences why caution might be exercised.

diddl · 20/09/2010 16:15

TBH what I find so sad is that there is such a culture of drinking that if you don´t when out, there must be a reason.

Suncottage · 20/09/2010 16:17

Forgive and forget - everyone can do silly things when they have had a few drinks. She has apologised - accept with grace.

You are pregnant and don't need any extra stress.

Congratulations by the way Grin