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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

....to be a total misery this Christmas?

66 replies

BibiBlocksberg · 20/09/2010 13:28

So sorry to be raising a thread with the dreaded C word in it especially for my first post

I know I probably am BU but would love to know what you all think.

Bit of background, I don?t have much contact with my own family and they live abroad anyway so they don?t really factor in the Christmas present line-up.

Been with my DP for last 8 eight years and guess I made a rod for my own back early on where the seasonal festivities (plus birthdays etc) are concerned.

Left to his own devices DP will go present shopping on xmas eve and since there are about 20 people to buy for (adults and children) I find this a tad stressful  (since I?m required to go along and help him choose)

So, every year for the last 6 years I have thought about what to get everyone (tricky, since we don?t see his family any more often than about 3 times a year)
gone shopping/ordered off internet and paid for it all as well incl cards, wrapping paper etc.

All while DP is moaning and asking how much is it all going to cost while simultaneously sitting on his butt and doing precisely nothing.

When asked for his opinion on any particular gift, he doesn?t have one.

So far so convenient for him ? to put the final icing on the cake I his family think HE IS wonderful for giving them such lovely presents since he doesn?t mention my contribution at all when it comes to the thank you?s.

Grrrrrrrrrr........!!

I have mentioned that I am thinking of being on xmas present strike this year for the reasons listed below. DP was shocked and told me not to be such a Grinch........

Two main points that make me think this year ?sod it, I?m sick of it and am not doing it again?:

? Money - don?t know why but feel really awkward asking DP to pay his share for his families presents. When I do ask he moans about how expensive it all is (it?s not when split between two!!)
and eventually I might get some money from him. Usually he just forgets all about it though and I then feel too tight and mean to keep asking.

? I am very careful in choosing presents the receiver will either like or will be able to use and his family have said they find the gifts they?ve received from ?us? thoughtful and they look forward to receiving them.
So, I cannot understand why I am the one who gets given the most thoughtless items of unsuitable dare I say it ?tat?. I seem to be the only one effected by this as well since everyone opens their presents together when we?re there for xmas day dinner so I see what gets chosen for others. I?m really really really not a greedy grabby person, I don?t even want a big flashy expensive present but a bar of galaxy chocolate wrapped up with an air freshener plus a bag of broken value biscuits really is the height of thoughtlessness in my book (gifts from xmas 2009) Even DP gasped when he saw that and that?s saying something!

Could list countless others but this post is long enough as it is.

Soooo sorry for the saga but am I? Would it be totally out of order to give everyone a card and a bag of homemade fudge this year and leave it at that?

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 20/09/2010 13:32

Let him buy (or not) for his family.

You give them small, thoughtful gift like fudge.

They will soon get the idea that it was you doing all the work. And I'm a bit at you not even getting the money back for the presents you bought - your dp is a right chancer.

MorrisZapp · 20/09/2010 13:37

If you are paying for this them he is taking the complete piss.

But at the same time, you have to let go of control. For some reason that I can't grasp, my own lovely, generous and very metrosexual, shopping-savvy DP actively wants to buy his family what to me are 'crap presents'.

I have to deal with the embarrassment of sitting there while they open them, no doubt assuming that I had a hand in their choosing. Meanwhile I'm enjoying their hospitality. I have finally persuaded him to allow me to buy SILs gift, and he pays for it. So at least now she gets a decent gift and my mortification is assuaged somewhat.

But generally, I do my family, he does his. It really is a rod for your own back otherwise.

Original poster

BibiBlocksberg · 20/09/2010 13:44

"no doubt assuming that I had a hand in their choosing"

Exactly!!! That's a very good way of putting it. Though strangely his family seem to prefer thinking their darling first born has organised and thought about it all

OP posts:

diddl · 20/09/2010 13:49

Card & homemade fudge sounds lovely.

Am pretty sure your partner will think it sounds good enough to be from both of you though!

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 20/09/2010 13:52

Let him do it all on Christmas Eve.

TrappedinSuburbia · 20/09/2010 13:55

When I receive a present from my brothers, I know fine well that their girlfriends/wifes have bought it, likewise if dp buys me something really good then I know a female work colleague has advised him (they're angels lol), are his family really that daft!

I would definetly go on strike, especially if he's expecting you to pay for it!

Original poster

BibiBlocksberg · 20/09/2010 14:00

Well, its not so much that he's expecting me to pay for it but that I have created the expectation that's what will happen.

Need to learn the art of placing the receipts under his nose again and again I suppose until he finally pays up.

Just feel so tight to keep on asking him

OP posts:

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 20/09/2010 14:07

Or, say you're happy to do it, but you want the funds availale up front.

I do it for DH's family - we have a credit card that gets use once a year for the purpose. Not up front exactly, but it does mean I don't have to keep asking him and it doesn't come out of housekeeping.

diddl · 20/09/2010 14:09

Well I agree-get money in advance or let him shop alone on Christmas Eve.

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 20/09/2010 14:11

Plus - include for yourself a really nice treat as payment for all the hours thought, trawling and shopping that you'll inevitably do. Any other job and you'd get compensated for it, right?

Original poster

BibiBlocksberg · 20/09/2010 14:13

Good thinking thereisalight

It's tricky with DP though, since if the choice was left up to him he would try and get away with giving people nothing but 'the pleasure of his company' (his words)

Consequently he doesn't really see the need to go halves on presents since he didn't want to buy them in the first place.

Oh FFS, am doing my own head in now and will stop moaning!!

OP posts:

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 20/09/2010 14:16

Well let's hope the rest of his family see his company as such a pleasure!!

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 20/09/2010 14:17

Maybe you could agree with his family now, then (given economic climate and all) that you'll not be buying presents from now on - or only buy for kids, or do a 'Secret Santa' type thing.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/09/2010 14:18

I think you are being taken serious advantage of here. You choose and pay for all the presents, get no credit for it and receive crap presents in return.

STOP!

Your (D)P will continue to take the piss because you are allowing/actively encouraging him to.

Home made fudge sounds lovely (and more than they all deserve).

Hedgeblunder · 20/09/2010 14:19

ooooh I feel your pain I really do - I agree with others- get his half up front and then on the gift tag write your name on it as well as his.
My dp does the same, he's well meaning th rest of the year but is a total skinflint at Xmas even though others go to alot of trouble for him!

QS · 20/09/2010 14:19

Make cards for them all saying

"Dear aunt/mil/sister etc. This year my husband has decided to give you "the pleasure of his company" for Christmas. You can all chose a day that suits you, and call him to arrange to come spend time with you.

As a consolation, I have made fudge

Merry Christmas

Mrs BibiBlockesberg"

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 20/09/2010 14:19

and actually, you could just put a note on the handmade fudge saying, 'handmade by BibiBlocksberg, with love' and they'll know it's just from you...

ratspeaker · 20/09/2010 14:20

Why not have a chat with him and explainas you were given such awful presents last year you dont feel like making a huge effort yourself this year but you have no objaection to him ordering and paying for stuff off the net.

There other thing you could do is buy lots of those tins of Quality Street,Roses etc that are either 2 for £10 or BOGOF at the moment and look for wines on special offer. Get them along with the weekly shop at most supermarkets at the moment.
Bung them in a large pressie bag and one quick easy pressie

Original poster

BibiBlocksberg · 20/09/2010 14:21

"Well let's hope the rest of his family see his company as such a pleasure!!"

well, they seem to since I'm the one with the bag of broken biccies

OP posts:

nomedoit · 20/09/2010 14:22

I am in exactly the same position although DH is very appreciative. But I do it all and the the crap I get is extraordinary - DH's family have perfected the art of 'regifting' but not so as you can't see where the present was opened and resealed and all the edges of the box battered about I am really cutting down what I spend this year.

You know what you have to do. Either...

Don't do it
Get the money upfront.

Just out of interest, what does your DP get you - the pleasure of his company?

Original poster

BibiBlocksberg · 20/09/2010 14:24

Sorry, didn't see that - pmsl QS!!!

choose a day to come and spend time with him.....priceless....

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/09/2010 14:28

Home-made fudge from you (and only you, on the gift card) sounds great. Let DP do his own presents. And make sure you drop it into conversation that he wasn't happy with the price of what you usually selected so you'd indulged him this year and let him choose alone.

I suspect the topic is bound to arise.

Hedgeblunder · 20/09/2010 14:28

Oh and my MIL regifted her Xmas present to me that I bought it the first place (a beautiful Stella McCartney perfume) becase she didn't 'know the name'

Original poster

BibiBlocksberg · 20/09/2010 14:31

am I supposed to be writing so many replies on a thread I started?

Sorry, can't help myself today it's so good to be able to get some perspective on this.

nomedoit - weirdly DP gets me very nice presents with only the occasional 'hmmmm' what was he thinking thrown in there.

Glad I'm not the only one. Re-gifting, don't even get me started. Lavender bath stuff anyone (they know I can't stand that) or how about a nice gardening diary (never had a garden or any interest in it)

DP's father is the absolute best though

Last year he gave DP six bottles of beers of the world - we discovered after he'd left that these had a best before date of August 2004!!!!!

I got a small black colander with the price still stuck on the bottom and a pair of metal tea squeezing tongs

He literally has a re-gifting room and will go and rummage to see what he can recycle

OP posts:

fruitful · 20/09/2010 14:34

I think Ratspeaker's idea is excellent. Box of chocs, bottle of cheap wine, in a gift bag, and make DP write the tag "love from DP".

If you just fail to buy presents, or tell DP in advance that you're not going to buy them, it is going to be stressful, one way or another. You're going to end up nagging him and going shopping at the last minute, or sitting there feeling bad at the crap presents (or lack of presents) everyone is getting from "you".

Maybe not, maybe you're thicker skinned than me. But I 'd go with organising really really easy presents this year. If you get complaints (from dp or the relatives) you'll have the perfect chance to explain why.

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