Not to want DS1 to hand out party invites at school?

[Weta]

He's turning 7 and having a small party for 8 children. He wants to hand out invites at school and insists 'all the other children' do it that way (not strictly true) and that kids don't get upset if they're not invited (having been in this position himself).

I would be fine with it if we were inviting the whole class, or all the boys, but think it's mean to hand out invitations in front of people who aren't invited.

AIBU?

YANBU. What is the school policy on this? I stick to that.

YADNBU. My DD has recently moved to a new school where they have a strict policy with regard to birthday party invites. Whole class invited the teacher will give them out or put them into bookbags. Selective invites are either posted, emailed or telephoned. Very sensible IMO and avoids hurt feelings.

Children of 7 should know that not everyone gets invited to parties, it's disappointment they need to learn to live with. Not sure how we are supposed to email or telephone or post other parents if you are not always at the school gates and the school will not give out that information.
Given out quitely at the end of the day shouldn't be a problem. My dc's primary never had rules about party invites and it never caused problems. We just gave them out first thing or after school.

YANBU, you are bring thoughtful. Our school asks that parents post them (there is a class list with people's addresses so there is no excuse) but of course as always some parents give in to the "my child wanted to" - usually the very ones who take great pleasure in handing them out in front of kids not invited. Yes, children have to learn that they can't be invited to every party but I really don't see why you would choose to do something that might cause upset when you can easily avoid it.

It's not as if the party is going to remain a secret at school. I can't believe that any excited 7 year old would keep it quiet in the playground. I hate the thought of whispered secrets and think that is far ruder than being open about a party that not every one is invited to.

How odd, of course not every child can go to every party. And in my experience, unless it's one or two children being left out of a whole class, it rarely causes problems.

How on earth do children learn about real life in the over PC'd environment of some schools?

YANBU. We have a class list of everyone's addresses at our school. Nobody HAD to add their address to the list but pretty much everyone did. Invitations are usually mailed out unless the whole class is invited. Works well.

I wouldn't call it "madness", works well for us.

Thanks, there's obviously a range of views!

We don't live in the UK and there isn't a school policy on this.

Personally I would have just emailed the parents (we do have a class email/phone list and it makes things much easier for sorting out swimming rotas etc, plus lots of kids are in after-school care so you never see them or their parents at the gate), but DS1 really wants to make invitations, which I can see would be fun for him. Can't post them as don't have home addresses.

For me it comes down to what is polite/rude, but as bruffin says, the kids are bound to talk about it anyway. I may let him take them in, with strict instructions to do it discreetly :) I guess I am slightly dubious about his reasons and whether it is some kind of one-upmanship...

yanbu

I give them to my DD's teacher and she pops them in the kids bags....then Mum sees them later on.

Yes...the others will hear about it later...but that's less hard than waiting for your invite...which does not appear!

Unless the class only has 12 children in then i don't see the problem tbh.

As for those schools with a policy ......

Dance in the dark, my DD is not in a UK school. All the school's she's ever been at have had the same or a similar policy. At her school in Thailand, a little girl went round saying 'there's one for you A. mini kree you're not coming, there's one for you b,c and d, ooh what a shame minikreecher doesn't have one' DD was beyond upset. She did and does understand that she can't go to every single party, but that level of nastiness is intolerable.

YABU, but you are also being very thoughtful & that is lovely of you :) & at a younger age I would of agreed with you, but by 7 I personally think its time our DCs get to learn the valuable life lesson that is ...sometimes you do, & sometimes you don't get an invite & you can't expect to be best friends with everyone........sounds like your DS has already seen that for himself & the kids are going to talk anyway.....so I really wouldn't feel bad or embarrassed to dish out the invites discreetly at end of School pick-up ........I'll be doing the same myself with DD(soon to be 8) in a few weeks time ;)

I think you are being really sweet. It is much nicer just to minimise the hurt feelings and give them out discreetly by email or telephone or post. If the kids will all talk about it at school anyway that is fine, life sucks sometimes, but there is no need to rub it in by dishing out the invites right infront of the not inviteds!

I would say it´s fine tbh.

ah right kreecher. I have boys so i don't get the girly cliquey "i'm not your friend anymore" thing.

I agree with Kreecher, my dd1 has also experienced this sort of nastiness from girls and it is so cruel.

Kreecher, that's bullying, which, though party invitations were used as the tool in this case, is a separate issue IMO. Dictating a party invitation policy is not going to stop a bully; they'll just find another way.

I hope you and your DD are being supported by the school to stop this behaviour.

Agree with stewieG, that IS bullying kreecher & not the same thing at all.....though I do understand as my own DD was on the receiving end of similar behaviour from a little girl who set herself up as DDs class nemesis right from the start of reception .........DD was upset at the time, but you know what, in the long run, it didn't do her any harm at all, if anything it was good for her, she's very good now at how she deals with "those silly types of bitchy girls" (her words) :)

Hmmm, maybe handing them out discreetly at pick-up time is the way to go, and then he can give out the ones for the after-school care kids during school. Very easy to be discreet at pick-up time as the school is massive.

smallwhitecat - there are 25 in the class, so no problems there. I guess I do think about the left-out ones partly because DS1 himself is not hugely outgoing and there are plenty of parties he's not invited to (though he doesn't really care).

We did have an ASD child in the class last year and he went to several parties, but most of the kids had been in the same class since age 4 so I guess that helps.