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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is it SIL/MIL?!

33 replies

HollyFP · 20/09/2010 10:55

Bit long, sorry...
Was chatting to my MIL over lunch yesterday (DH was away for the weekend) about SIL's boys (4 and 2.5). 4 yo is now in nursery (? pre-school, not sure) most days, and MIL looks after the younger one 2 full days a week plus 2 half days as SIL works part time; MIL also looks after the older one frequently (ie both boys together).

MIL always indicates to me and DH how hard it is looking after them, but doesn't seem to want to look for alternatives (she is devoted to them, I think she can't bear to think of anyone else but her looking after them). I asked if there wasn't a nursery or similar the 2.5 yo could attend to give her a break, but she said no, no-one takes them until they're dry.

Is this true?! What do other people do though? Surely there's some form of child care for toddlers who aren't dry? I mean with other kids, not CMs.

I'm not being judgey pants here, I really want to know all the options so I can suggest some alternatives to make her life easier.

I have a 8 week old DD and want to avoid the same situation, as I feel it's unfair on MIL and unfair on my nephew. He can't run around the house or garden like he does at his own house, and rarely seems to be with kids his own age. :(

MIL is a full time carer for FIL, and she also has recently had an operation, so she is already busy and overworked. This is where I wonder whether SIL is being unreasonable, asking MIL to look after her (tantrumy) DC so much.
It might not be my business as such how SIL chooses to raise her DCs, but it is if you consider the effect is has on MIL - DH is concerned that if she doesn't stop some of this she's seriously damage her health long-term, and ability to look after FIL. DH says this to her on many an occasion btw.

So AIBU or are there lots of other options that they could consider?

OP posts:
bigchris · 20/09/2010 10:58

Maybe dh should have a word withhis sister? Some people find it hard to say no and it sounds like your mil is one of them

Anenome · 20/09/2010 10:59

Maybe MIL is out of touch...my mates little boy has been going to a lovely little Montessori nursery for a year now...he began well before he was dry!

It does seem unfair on MIL to have that much on her shoulders...why dont you offer to visit a few little places....the 2 year old could go for 2 days a week maybe? SOme of them are fab and MIL might not worry if she visits with you.

Kewcumber · 20/09/2010 11:01

"I have a 8 week old DD and want to avoid the same situation" - well thats easy to avoid - pay for professional childcare for your DD!

As for your MIL/SIL - some nurseries around here will take childrne from 2.5 who are not dry but its very much on a case by case basis. ALso many day nurseries will do half days and obviously take childrne from veyr samll so nappies aren't a problem. My DS did one afternoon at the local day nursery for a year and really enjoyed it.

However whilst it is reasonable of you to raise this with your SIL as a suggestion any more that that is interfering and you need to think how you would feel if someone did this to you. In fact it should really come from your DH...

Original poster
HollyFP · 20/09/2010 11:01

Thanks for replies - I also don't want SIL to think I'm interfering, so maybe would be best coming from DH...I am thinking all this for the best reasons (not judgey pants)

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyFP · 20/09/2010 11:02

oops x post

OP posts:
ProfYaffle · 20/09/2010 11:07

Some nurseries (our included) take babies from 3 months old so obviously take children in nappies.

cat64 · 20/09/2010 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Casserole · 20/09/2010 11:12

Lots of nurseries, preschools etc take children before they are dry. So you're right there, and you can let that slip in conversation if you want to.

But I think you'd BU to speak to your SIL, or for your DH to. Your MIL is an adult and can decide for herself what she can and can't take on.

Original poster
HollyFP · 20/09/2010 11:12

ProfYaffle and cat64 thanks - I did think this was the case (the being dry thing) but as a new mum didn't really have the knowledge to challenge MIL!

OP posts:
DastardlyandSmugly · 20/09/2010 11:14

Both my DCs have gone to nursery from 7m so obviously not dry. I think there's less choice but she should be able to find something. A good nursery will help with potty training too.

zipzap · 20/09/2010 11:14

Maybe if you did some research about sending your own dd to nursery (don't know if you actually want to, but you could just say you had heard about long waiting lists to get a place or you'd been handed a leaflet so gave you a prompt to go and have a look or make up some other excuse) you could then say 'oh but xx nursery will take them when they aren't dry because they will take dd from 6 months if I wanted them to'.

That way it would be all on you IYSWIM, rather than looking like you are trying to prove SIL wrong or give her an option.

Might be that she is thinking of playgroups or pre-schools where there is an expectation of kids being dry and she is using this as an excuse to keep looking after the child or she genuinely doesn't know about nurseries that will do nappy changes...

Maybe she likes looking after gc as some sort of respite or escapism from being a carer? Maybe your sil could still let her have them for a day instead of as many days as currently. Maybe she likes the free child care or maybe she pays mil something towards looking after them and she likes having the money too...

All sorts of reasons could be contributing towards the current situation.

Have you spoken to fil or have you/your dh spoken to sil yet?

Sounds like the adults needs are being met but not the child's if he is missing out on socialising with other kids. Of course it is lovely that he is getting fab time with his granny and wouldn't want to deny him that but sounds like he needs at least a day or two at nursery if the sil can afford it...

QS · 20/09/2010 11:17

Why would you want to challenge your MIL about how she is spending her time?

Original poster
HollyFP · 20/09/2010 11:18

Casserole yes of course she can decide for herself, but what when all the things she does lands her in hospital as she's damaged her knee from not taking enough rest? Her most important role is carer of FIL...this is what DH is most concerned about with her taking on her DGCs.

It's a fine line I know between offering suggestions to make her life easier and 'interfering', but as I said, we're concerned about her for her own health, and most of the time she doesn't listen acknowledge when she's doing too much.

OP posts:
Casserole · 20/09/2010 11:24

It's still her choices to make though Holly.

I would casually let slip in conversation that nurseries DO take them before they're dry, yes. I might even say something along the lines of that if she was finding it all too much you're sure SIL wouldn't want her to run herself into the ground, etc.

But after that? I would respect her right as an adult to choose what she wants to do with her time.

FakePlasticTrees · 20/09/2010 11:25

I'd go with zipzap's suggestion, all nurseries round here take from 4 months, so obviously, when not dry.

Could you ask MIL to visit nurseries with you when doing your research for when you go back to work? That way she can see they aren't staffed by child-catcher types... Grin

After making it clear there are options and that you won't be expecting her to care for DD (although leave the door open for days when DD is ill and you can't put her in nursery!), leave it to MIL to decide what to do.

Anenome · 20/09/2010 11:26

I think the OP has real concerns about MIL's health and ability to give the DC's all they need...I agree OP that you could ask your DH if he has any concerns over it...it's his place really to metion things...otherwise all you can do is support MIL as best you can.

QS · 20/09/2010 11:26

Being a carer is incredibly hard work.
What if your MIL really enjoys looking after the children, and it lightens up her life to do that?

She can hardly complain about how hard it is to look after her husband, can she?

Maybe your dh, if he is concerned about his mum, could help find ways where she could get some respite for her dh?

What is the matter with FIL, if you dont mind me asking?

Original poster
HollyFP · 20/09/2010 11:27

OK good advice thanks. I guess I just want to help her out, at the end of the day it's her decision though and I'll have to respect that. And of course it's good that she will be around for my DD should I ever need her - I know lots of people don't have that luxury.

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 20/09/2010 11:32

Firstly boys are always later being dry than girls.
Secondly most playschools will take a child in nappies if it's for a half day session.
And as for nurseries, they take them from 4 months, so clearly take them in nappies still.

So your MIL's info is out of date.

What are the local playgroups? Maybe get a list and ring round to check. Your MIL can still help SIL by having them before and after playschool. But for something like £10 (often less) you can get a morning at playgroup (2.5 hours) which is pretty reasonable really.
Sounds to me she just needs someone to give her a gentle push. If you give her the info, phone numbers and say she can ring for a taster session (where MIL/SIL stays too) then she may do it. It's up to her at the end of the day.

Tippychoocks · 20/09/2010 11:32

Some of the nurseries I looked at when DD was one wouldn't take children unless they could walk Confused. Another one (CM) said they had to be dry. But it's not standard practice, most CM and nurseries accept tiny babies that are very much in nappies.

Kewcumber · 20/09/2010 11:34

"Firstly boys are always later being dry than girls." - no they're not DS was first of his group to be dry day and night including all the girls. Its luck though boys tend to have poorer bladder control thats not always true.

QS · 20/09/2010 11:36

Both my sons were dry at 2 1/2, so that girls are dry sooner is a myth, I find.

Tryharder · 20/09/2010 11:42

YABU. I don't get this. Your MIL has said it is hard to look after her DGC not that she doesn't want to look after them. It's her business and it has nothing to do with you. I would not get involved if I were you. It sounds like you don't want your MIL to look after her other DGC. Is this because you think that she won't be able to look after your DCs in the future?

I'm just imagining a scenario where you persuade your MIL to tell your SIL that she (MIL) doesn't want to look after her DC anymore and suggests a nursery. SIL asks why, MIL says, oh well, HollyFP thought it was too hard for me... cue major family row.

Some people "complain" about things, not because they don't want to do them but because they want appreciation/praise. Perhaps your MIL just wants a bit of admiration and a few "Ooh, I don't know how you cope" comments.

Bunnyjo · 20/09/2010 11:44

Day nurseries do usually take children who aren't potty trained. I found this article in the Telegraph which says it might actually be discriminatory for nurseries/ primary schools to refuse to take children who are still in nappies.

I do think that your post shows you and DH are very genuinely worried about your MIL's health, but any advice would be probably be better received if it came from your DH rather than you.

2rebecca · 20/09/2010 11:49

I agree with tryharder. I'd keep out of this unless you want to make an enemy of your SIL. If your husband wants to get involved he can. Some people enjoy being martyrs and having a good moan.
If you have 1 small baby SIL may think you are trying to pack her kids off to childcare so you can use MIL.
Of course some private nurseries take non toilet trained kids, loads of working parents use them. There are also registered childminders.
I agree you could look into it and pretend you're thinking of sending your child there, but in general keep out of this as it will just look like you are stirring.