or is it SIL/MIL?!

[HollyFP]

Bit long, sorry...
Was chatting to my MIL over lunch yesterday (DH was away for the weekend) about SIL's boys (4 and 2.5). 4 yo is now in nursery (? pre-school, not sure) most days, and MIL looks after the younger one 2 full days a week plus 2 half days as SIL works part time; MIL also looks after the older one frequently (ie both boys together).

MIL always indicates to me and DH how hard it is looking after them, but doesn't seem to want to look for alternatives (she is devoted to them, I think she can't bear to think of anyone else but her looking after them). I asked if there wasn't a nursery or similar the 2.5 yo could attend to give her a break, but she said no, no-one takes them until they're dry.

Is this true?! What do other people do though? Surely there's some form of child care for toddlers who aren't dry? I mean with other kids, not CMs.

I'm not being judgey pants here, I really want to know all the options so I can suggest some alternatives to make her life easier.

I have a 8 week old DD and want to avoid the same situation, as I feel it's unfair on MIL and unfair on my nephew. He can't run around the house or garden like he does at his own house, and rarely seems to be with kids his own age. :(

MIL is a full time carer for FIL, and she also has recently had an operation, so she is already busy and overworked. This is where I wonder whether SIL is being unreasonable, asking MIL to look after her (tantrumy) DC so much.
It might not be my business as such how SIL chooses to raise her DCs, but it is if you consider the effect is has on MIL - DH is concerned that if she doesn't stop some of this she's seriously damage her health long-term, and ability to look after FIL. DH says this to her on many an occasion btw.

So AIBU or are there lots of other options that they could consider?

Tryharder I think you've misunderstood my reasons for posting. Of course MIL can look after her DGC if she wants, and of course it's a lovely thing and she adores them, but it's becoming to be at the risk of her health and her ability to care for her DH (ie if she keeps having to go hospital/bed-ridden).
I hope I'm not BU just because I'm concerned about family members

2rebecca this isn't really about my DD and her future child care.
But yes, maybe MIL just wants a moan and wants sympathy rather than offers for help. I hadn't really thought about it like that.

I know it isn't, but your SIL may interpret it that way, and wonder at your reasons for interfering in a private arrangement between her and her mother.

Do you know if your sil is paying your mil for childcare? If so, it could be that it is an arrangement that suits them both.

Also, please have a think about the full time carer aspect. My mum has been my fathers carer for the last 10 years. It has been really hard on her. I wish she had been able to take her focus a little bit of her husband and do something that she enjoys, rather than being stuck like a martyr at home with a husband who suddenly needed 24 hour care. Thinking back, I wish we had early on arranged for some respite for mum, so that she had some light in her life.

Just been thinking about this, are you sure your MIL wasn't having a moan about how hard it was in a hope that while you're off on mat leave you'll come round and help her with the other 2/with looking after FIL?

Holly just a thought: why don't you and your DH start up a conversation with your SIL about how you can best support your MIL? And maybe ask your MIL what support she'd like / what would make life easier for her?

It might well be that having the kids is the highlight of her life, but that she'd love someone to come over and chat to your FIL a couple of evenings a week. OR in having the conversation your SIL might re-evaluate how much she asks your MIL to do. I think your MIL's got to be involved in that conversation though.

Yes, that is a good idea.

Maybe your mil needs some help with her husband, and would love for her son to pay his father some more attention?

I think it would be good for you to point out about childcare for toddlers in nappies.
It seems she only knows what your SIL has told her and so is in the dark a bit.
Yes, she may well want to do the childminding - but it's only fair she knows that there actually are other options.