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AIBU?

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Original poster

why are absent dads so up themselves?

33 replies

cinderella1973 · 20/09/2010 07:58

my sons dad has lost his job and says he is not paying maintances anymore who do i contact regarding this please?any help regarding this sort of thing plus he said he might get a job on a sunday which he normally see his son and takes him to football training

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 20/09/2010 08:02

is the maintenance through the CSA? if not then contact them.

I suppose you can't do too much about the sunday's - if that means he will be working and therefore contributing.

How is all this arranged, is it something you sorted yourselves or through a court?

HRHPrincessReality · 20/09/2010 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Algebra18MinusPiEquals16 · 20/09/2010 08:09

when my DaH was paying maintenance to his older 3, but lost his job, he stopped paying CSA while unemployed but his exW got extra money from CSA IIRC. he then had to make up for it once he had a new job.

I don't think it's fair to complain if he gets a job on Sundays, at least it would be a job and therefore money - you can't have it both ways.

Algebra18MinusPiEquals16 · 20/09/2010 08:09

DaH? DH obviously sorry Hmm

oh, and if he does work on sundays can't you just change the day they meet up?

pleasechange · 20/09/2010 08:17

How is he 'up himself' by losing his job and looking for a new one?

racmac · 20/09/2010 08:29

So he's lost his job but says he is looking for another one? He also sees his son every week and takes him to football

And your problem is?

taintedpaint · 20/09/2010 08:37

I'm failing to see the problem. Unless he's been really smug about not having to pay the money while he's not working?

As for the Sunday problem? He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't with you, isn't he? If he works, you'll have a moan at him for not going to football, if he doesn't work, you don't get maintainance money. Unless he's an asshole, it shouldn't be too difficult to switch to another arrangement.

He's not an absent dad either. Perhaps you mean he's a dad that doesn't live with his child? That's a different thing entirely.

Meglet · 20/09/2010 08:40

At least he's planning on getting another job. You'll just have to be flexible and arrange another day for them to meet up.

Algebra18MinusPiEquals16 · 20/09/2010 08:40

yes, he's the NRP (non resident parent) not an absent parent.

belgo · 20/09/2010 08:42

He'll probably earn more for working sundays meaning that he can pay more maintenance.

sarah293 · 20/09/2010 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hairytriangle · 20/09/2010 08:57

Are you working op? If he's got no income he can't pay.

MollieO · 20/09/2010 09:03

He's definitely not an absent parent. My ds's father is. Even though it is nearly 7 yrs since ds was conceived his father refers to him as the 'non-aborted foetus' and will have nothing to do with him.

He stopped paying maintenance. I went through the CSA. Took some months but they have just collected arrears of thousands from him. Ime it depends which case worker you get. The one I got hold of last week has been absolutely superb both in collecting and reassessing income (ex now has to pay over 6 times previous award!). Still less than he should be (self employed so easy to hide bulk of income) but better than nothing.

I would love it if ds's father wanted to see him once a week as yours does.

taintedpaint · 20/09/2010 09:03

OP, can you come back and give some more details? This is obviously bothering you, but it doesn't yet make sense where that's coming from.

Tabliope · 20/09/2010 09:13

Yes £5 is taken off benefits if unemployed/on sickness benefit. My ExP used to pay that. He's now self-employed and hiding his income. I've been fighting to get more for 3 years. I've given up lately but MollieO's post has given me some hope to try again. I've never heard of the CSA making up money - out of what fund?

cinderella, if he's not working right now you can only get the CSA to take £5 off him. Perhaps he can see your DCs on another day - even during the week or Saturdays. At least he does seem willing to pay which I'd give my right arm for.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/09/2010 09:41

Actually, I see your point OP. Your child still needs to be fed and clothed. It seems as if your childs dad is throwing up his hands and saying "I'm unemployed therefore feeding and clothing the child is not my problem at the moment." That is a position that the resident parent cannot take.

If he is on benefits then he should still be contributing. Your childs needs haven't been reduced in line with your ExP income.

Wrt the sunday visits, if he does get a job on that day, get him to have the child on another day.

It does seem as if some non resident parents get to abdicate responsibility when the resident parent would not do that. He may not live with his child full time, but parenting isn't optional or part time.

femalevictormeldrew · 20/09/2010 09:44

MollieO: "Even though it is nearly 7 yrs since ds was conceived his father refers to him as the 'non-aborted foetus' and will have nothing to do with him"

What a bastard.

hairytriangle · 20/09/2010 09:51

Now that he's unemployed he might have more time
to spend with his child and give you a break?

hairytriangle · 20/09/2010 09:52

Now that he's unemployed he might have more time
to spend with his child and give you a break?

pleasechange · 20/09/2010 09:53

"It does seem as if some non resident parents get to abdicate responsibility when the resident parent would not do that"

But presumably the pwc receives benefits (e.g child benefit) specifically related to the maintenance of the child, which the nrp doesn't. Likewise if the pwc doesn't work then do they not receive at least an element of benefits related to the fact that they have a child (which the nrp won't receive). And presumably the nrp is paying for the expenditure related to when he has access to the child on Sundays

MaMoTTaT · 20/09/2010 09:55

"If he is on benefits then he should still be contributing. Your childs needs haven't been reduced in line with your ExP income."

no - but if the exP's income has dropped from £250 a week to £65 a week you can hardly expect him to keep on contributing at the same levels as previously!

Just like if they were still together and he lost his job - money to spend on the DC would be lessened - so it is when the parents are separated

fedupofnamechanging · 20/09/2010 10:01

He may not be able to contribute as much, but shouldn't stop contributing at all. I think it is as much about attitude to the child as it is about money.

I don't know if the OP is on benefits. If she is, then yes, these do take account of the child. If not, she might be relying on the child support to make ends meet.

MaMoTTaT · 20/09/2010 10:06

well if he's on benefits it's £5 a week - and yes he should be contributing that - but to expect more is just silly.

If she relies on the child support to make ends meet she'll have to do what couples that live together have to do when they lose an income - make adjustments somehow, somewhere.

Even if she's working she'll get WTC, and CB.

It's tough - but it's life, people lose their jobs, disposable (or even just "income") drops.

If she was working in a reasonably well paid job and lost her job - resulting in a loss of would you expect the exP to up the amount he pays in response - despite his income staying the same?

LittleMissHissyFit · 20/09/2010 10:06

could either parent not apply for one of those hardship loans from the benefits people?

Do they have something like this in place? or has it cahnged/am I mistaken?

If the Ex were to apply, get £500 and give it to the child, it'd tide them over until he can hopefully get a job..

MaMoTTaT · 20/09/2010 10:10

if he's only just lost his job he won't be able to get a budgetting loan - usually have to have been on benefits for 26 weeks before you can get one.

And unless he's in absolute dire need of money himself it's highly unlikely he'd get a crisis loan