to swear at my husband when we argue?

[vixen1]

Now I know it's not the most effective or eloquent way to argue but am I being completely unreasonable to sometimes lose it and call him names?

Also, how often do you argue? We have massive blow outs every week at the moment... do you think this is a lot?

We have about 4 rows a year. Would never call him names though.

yes. There is no need to be abusive.

I'm not going to tell you how often we argue, because I don't think it would be helpful to you and to the way you feel right now to hear it.

Are you under stress? Have you always argued like this or is it new?

i think it depends on whether it is usually part of your vernacular. if not and if saying 'fuck' out loud is shocking to you , then i suspect its not a good thing

Yes, it is unreasonable to call names and to swear at your dh when arguing. It is a sign of wanting to "one up" rather than resolve conflict. Not unforgivable though as it probably happens at the heat of the moment.

Concentrate on resolving the conflict rather than "winning the argument". You can argue and still be loving towards one another.

I swear and call him a dickhead.
But Thats how i talk anyway - what a nice gal I am.

Hecate - We've always argued a fair bit but it's definitely intensified since we've had our boys and there is also a lot of stress in our marriage because one of our boys has special needs and behavioural problems. Obviously none of that is any excuse. I'm just worried because I've always suspected that we're just not right for each other but I always thought it was "normal" for couples to fall out so much.

Custardo - If I'm perfectly honest I think I do it for the effect I know I should stop but he just makes me SO mad and I don't know how to handle it. I'm not normally aggressive or abusive AT ALL

Boogie - That's really good advice and I will always try and that. I'm worried I might struggle though because I find that the very minute I disagree with something, even when done respectfully, he just gets mad and becomes sarcastic and facetious which I think drives me to resort to name calling. I'm not excusing it, just trying to figure out why we always end up like that. We literally can't disagree about anything without it ending up in a HUGE row

That should say "I will always try and DO that"

I don't think its nice to be abusive towards anyone even when angry, I dont like swearing in general, I don't do it, because I really dislike it when someone swears at me it makes me think well that's how they feel about me in reality.

You'll lose love and respect for eachother, unless you're both generally sweary anyway and dont think its a big deal.

Vixen - there is no doubt that children expose the smallest differences in any relationship in the starkest way. Stress, tiredness, money is tighter. Two boys with behavioural issues magnify that 10x.

None of us are saints.

I suggest a cards on the table talk through all the issues, an agreement of what is acceptable and unacceptable, what you both want out of life, what works in your relationship, what doesn't. Work on those issues.

Vixen, perhaps you could move this thread into the Relationships topic. Just a suggestion.

Since you asked, I have been married for 9 years and my dh and I definitely argued more at the start than we do now. I cannot pin point exactly what has changed. We've moved twice, had two children, our relationship at one point after the first child was certainly under a lot of strain but if anything, I believe that we have become better at sorting our problems out as we've got to know each other over time.

I certainly agree that sarcasm in an argument is unacceptable and that you are retaliating in a sense.

If these rows are becoming a regular feature then have you ever thought about receiving counselling or going on a marriage course where you can learn about communicating in a marriage?

Swearing and calling him names is not on. In future when you disagree with him and he starts being sarcastic/facetious just walk out of the room and tell him you'll talk to him when he grows up and accepts that you have a right to have a different opinion to him. Atm you're just being as childish as he is.

Chaotic - I know

Boogie - How do I get it moved to that thread?

I never call him names (to his face-it's all my head!!) we've only had 3-4 huge arguments and have only been together 5 years.
I absolutely hate arguing and so does he and I shit myself if anyone shouts because I was in a nasty relationship when I was younger so..
Tbh I dot think this will help you, are you getting enough support for your ds?

Haven't actually tried to move a thread to another topic before but perhaps you ca start by reporting to MN towers?

Massive blow outs every week is not a good thing. We probably have this ever couple of years tbh but will have disagreements every 3 months or so.

We´ve been married 15yrs & had one big argument with raised voices, swearing (me) & name calling(me).

We rarely disagree but can solve it without arguing-except for the once!

Well, DH and I both have fairly short tempers so we have regular blow-ups once or twice a week but they last for less than 5 mins genially. OTOH I never swear at him or call him names and would be horrified if he ever did to me. Just because we argue doesn't mean we can be as rude as we like to each other.

So yes, YABU.

I do argue with DH from time to time, But we never call each other names.

We have big row very rarely but have little bickers every week or so ...been married 13yrs and get on well the rest of the time.

Yes I did call my dp wanker, dickhead etc. and he called me bitch, arsehole and cunt. Thankfully we're not together now. I'm just starting to realise it's not normal.

I always try not to namecall even in heat of argument. Told DH once he was being abusive by calling me names so can hardly do it to him now.

Have to admit it's a hard rule to observe sometimes tho!

Never call each other names. Of course we argue but only had a couple of big blowouts in the last 12 years).

He loves me very much and that gives me a lot of power to hurt him, so when we are arguing I try to make sure I never say something that cannot be 'unsaid', same for him.

Personally, I don't like to as I'd be really upset if he swore at me.

We don't often argue (about 3 times in 14years, we're more your sulky types).

By the way I'm not gloating, I think we don't/can't argue as I think we were both negatively affected by our parents (not the same parents you understand or that would be incest) arguing and splitting up.