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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to swear at my husband when we argue?

49 replies

vixen1 · 19/09/2010 14:43

Now I know it's not the most effective or eloquent way to argue but am I being completely unreasonable to sometimes lose it and call him names?

Also, how often do you argue? We have massive blow outs every week at the moment... do you think this is a lot?

OP posts:

SixtyFootDoll · 19/09/2010 17:52

am quite shocked that no one else swears in arguments.
It is my release valve.

I have a stressful job and quite often go and have a good swear to let off steam.

Do I need therapy?!

BubbaAndBump · 19/09/2010 17:59

I swear in arguments with DH, DH doesn't. I swear often in everyday life , DH doesn't. I know it isn't helpful in arguments, and he gets upset by it, but it's a heat-of-the-argument type thing and in the calm afterwards he knows that and I apologise. Similarly in arguments he calls me crazy which he knows winds me up something chronic.

So I'll join you vixen and sixtyfootdoll in the swearing, not being proud of it, but it being part of my vernacular, it is therefore part of my arguments.

AuntyJ · 19/09/2010 18:47

My parents would argue all the time - rather my mother would scream at my father as he retreated into a shell. As a result their relationship wasnt the best .
After experiencing such destructive behavouir I promised myself that I would not go down that road.
I've been with DH for nearly 13yrs, we hardly ever argue as we dont see the point. Dont get me wrong there are times were i want to throttle him but we say are piece and move on.
I really couldnt put my DCs through what I went through in my childhood. Thats why if we do have a heated debate swearing and name calling doesnt occur. Why do you want to humilate the father of your children?

Original poster

vixen1 · 19/09/2010 21:53

AuntyJ - I wouldn't want to humiliate him, especially in front of our children. I refuse to argue with him in front of them but he raises his voice and shouts at me anyway which also winds me up - often later resulting in me being so wound up that I swear at him when the kids AREN'T around.

I also grew up with parents who argued constantly and have actually endured 2 messy parental divorces, once aged 3 and again aged 12 so I know as well as anyone how badly children can be affected.

The issue actually has nothing to do with my children, it's about how we argue in private.

Bubba and bump. My DH calls me crazy too. He knows it's especially hurtful because I'm trying to come off my meds for severe PND. So I guess you can be abusive and hurtful without even swearing

OP posts:

googietheegg · 19/09/2010 23:26

We argue and swear quite a lot. I'm amazed at how few others do on here

newwave · 19/09/2010 23:39

Swear away, a good row followed by a sweaty reconcilliation is great :o

UnseenAcademicalMum · 19/09/2010 23:52

I only ever swear during arguements, never at any other time. TBH I am a shouty, angry, argueing type and he is a sulky type. Sulking drives me nuts as I prefer to have it all out in the open and then work from there. However, I suppose different things work for different people.

I don't think it is how much you argue that matters as such (and repressing your feeling for the sake of not rocking the boat is definately not a good thing). However, he complains at me for shouting, but like you, he finds ways to undermine me without shouting which I personally find much, much worse.

SlightlyJaded · 19/09/2010 23:53

Have been with DH 17 years and we will have a bicker at least every couple of weeks. We probably have a couple of big arguments a year and these always come with swearing and name calling. I don't feel I've got my point across properly unless I've tacked 'you fucking twathead' on to the end of the sentence

It works for us and most of the time, we get on really well and would never do name calling in front of DC's.

It's probably not entirely constructive or healthy but sometimes nor is complete restraint, imo

newwave · 20/09/2010 00:00

Jaded, I think it is very healthy as it is a safety valve for all the underlying issues.

fwiw, shouting id good but shreiking is a no no

SlightlyJaded · 20/09/2010 00:04

yes agree newwave shrieking is horrible. It makes me really uncomfortable when I hear people shriek - it feels like your getting into out of control territory.

ChippingIn · 20/09/2010 00:07

I usually sometimes swear during an arguement (as in: 'Oh For Fuck Sake you know that's not what I meant'), but I would never swear at someone I love/know/care about (as in 'You fucking bastard') - well, not unless it was really appropriate (maybe if a partner was caught cheating?!).

I wouldn't mind if someone said to me 'Don't be so fucking stupid' - but I would mind if they said 'FUCKING BITCH' - so really, it's intent and level of agression...

However, I think it is far, far, far worse to call someone mad/crazy etc if they are suffering from PND or are on AD's etc

2rebecca · 20/09/2010 00:15

I'm not a swearer. I don't swear at people in arguments and would never expect anyone who professed to love me to swear at me. I am an atheist.

I don't tend to shout and scream and throw things either.

Tantrums are for toddlers. If I went out with a bloke who thought screaming and swearing was acceptable adult behaviour I'd chuck him and tell him to go to anger management training.

What is really that important that it's worth screaming about?

Ok if you have just discovered your husband is having an affair, but if you scream and swear at him every week you are either incompatible or need to learn to get a grip and have a sense of perspective.

KristinaM · 20/09/2010 00:30

yes YABU

its verbal abuse

if a woman was on here complaining about this from her male partner everyone would say its not on

we argue about once a month or so. massive blow outs just a few times on our marriage

i am at every week - i coudlnt handle that

gingerwig · 20/09/2010 00:43

it's not nice and it's not clever

blinks · 20/09/2010 01:39

tis semi common for us to tell each other to 'piss off' or to 'stop being an arsehole'.

he'd never call me a name though like bitch, etc and i try to avoid calling him anything too but have been known to mutter 'dickhead' once he's left the room.

i think if you're arguing alot you need to sit down and talk calmly about what's causing this and what you can do to relieve the stress.

unless you're being abusive to each other, try not to worry too much about what other people do. you're always going to get people who hardly argue and it will only make you feel like shit.

arguing is healthy, screaming matches where you get nowhere isn't.

chefswife · 20/09/2010 02:01

I might call him a jerk, because it is so soft, it has a better effect most times. Sometimes I'll call him an asshole and that is good too because it is the worse thing to say to a Chef..lol. But I swear, mostly the 'f' word when I'm angry or having sex.

ps...DH and I have been together for 20 years...been there with the big fights... You're just having a rough patch. Try and sit down and chat...blahblahblah I know. But try.

MrsCrafty · 20/09/2010 04:20

Bloody hell, I shout and rant at my DH on a weekly basis. And yes, I swear too.

Our son gets involved and says 'Mum, you swore' and always sides with his Dad who doesn't actually argue back. He actually gets involved with the argument.

I don't feel good about this, but I can tell you now, I always have to back down because of peer pressure!! Sends my blood pressure off the radius.

However, I only blow up for about 5 minutes or so and it's all over. My DD however, is the same. She is better than me, she can tantrum for England and make it last at least an hour. She is 3. We now put her to bed about 6pm as none of us can stand her moaning. It takes 2 dummies and earplugs for her to stop having one and my DS muttered 'bloody hell' recently.

She is perfectly delightful the next day though. She just never did the whole afternoon nap thing.

Rosedee · 20/09/2010 08:02

I could have written bubbaandbumps post. I swear more than dp especially during arguments whereas he hates it but has called me names eg crazy etc.
He is a sulker which drives me up the wall, so sorry no advice as don't know how to stop our arguments!

NordicPrincess · 20/09/2010 12:28

i dont see anything wrong with swearing in an argument, its an argument you are cross so it dousnt mean anything, not to me anyway.
Big blow out rows are a good excuse to get out all the anger, much better than silences aand horrible atmosphere the rest of the time

NordicPrincess · 20/09/2010 12:32

also whats the fact you are an athiest got to do with anything?

MrsJohnDeere · 20/09/2010 12:42

YABU, particularly if there are children around who might hear you. It doesn't really set a great example to them (disclaimer: I do lots of things that make me a bad role model to my children so am not taking a 'holier than thou' attitude).

I don't think I've ever sworn at dh (only inwardly ), and 'big' rows are once in a blue moon. My nieghbours have big shouty rows several times a week, with lots of swearing and it is just horrible to listen to (so loud that we don't have much choice), and my 4yo has started asking a lot of awkward questions about why they are behaving like this, what certain swear words mean, etc.

Niecie · 20/09/2010 12:47

Once a week seems a lot to me, especially if you haven't always been like it. We bicker a bit but hardly ever have a proper row. Maybe 7 or 8 times in 19 yrs.

I don't mind a bit of swearing although I swear more than DH so if he swears I know he is mad. We don't name call that I can remember unless you include things like calling each other stupid.

TBH I find the most vicious attacks, and the hardest to take are not those that include swearing or name calling or even sarcasm, it is the deliberate attempt to make you feel small. Being told I don't know what I am talking about or that I know nothing is guaranteed to wind me up and induce shoutiness, mainly because it isn't true (or I wouldn't be arguing about it) and because it is an attempt at superiority which isn't nice.

How does your DH feel about things? Is he bothered by the rows or is it water off a duck's back?

2rebecca · 20/09/2010 13:09

I added that I was an atheist as I don't not swear for religious reasons, I just think it's unnecessary and unpleasant, unless part of sex play, but that's different to swearing at someone.
I also don't get really angry with my husband on a weekly basis. I don't shout and swear at my work colleagues and friends so see no reason to behave that way to my family.
I'm maybe just more tolerant than some folk, as very little my husband does makes me angry, or maybe we are just well suited.
We disagree and discuss things, and often end up agreeing to disagree on certain issues.
If any adult shouted and swore at me I'd have as little to do with that adult as possible. I've no desire to surround myself with bullies and I do perceive shouting and swearing as bullying behaviour.

AuntyJ · 20/09/2010 16:55

Vixen - Sorry but even when my parents argued in private I heard them.
I'm sorry I didnt mean to upset you. Its not fair that your DH raises his voice and calls you crazy.
Maybe its because avoid anyone if its work or personal life who thinks its ok to shout and bully to get their point across. I dont think its an effective form of communication or a way to build a relationship
Have you explained to your DH how it makes you feel when he speaks to you in this way?

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