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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish that my family would ask me what I want for new baby?

38 replies

Yika · 17/09/2010 19:45

I'm expecting my first baby in 3 days' time.

I feel hurt that my mum and other close family members haven't asked me if there is anything I would like, or need. They are very excited about the baby and are all going to rush over and visit as soon as she is born. I've bought almost everything I need myself, bar toys, in the hope that I'll get a few as presents, but I feel hurt that no one asked if there's anything useful they can get - however small. I imagine they will each bring a gift by the way (they better had!!).

I don't know exactly why I feel so hurt, but I do.

OP posts:
violethill · 17/09/2010 19:49

Do you always expect people to sound you out beforehand as to what gifts you would like them to buy for you?

What an odd sense of entitlement.

googietheegg · 17/09/2010 19:52

they better had!! sounds like a very spoilt thing to say.

YABU although lots of luck for the new baby!

Firawla · 17/09/2010 19:53

yes yabu "they better had!!" - your attitude is quite rude, nobody "owes" you a gift. if they buy something and you don't like it or not what you would have asked them for are you going to start moaning about that too?

scurryfunge · 17/09/2010 19:54

Most people give presents on the birth of a baby not before.

Effjay · 17/09/2010 19:55

I think you said it yourself 'I've bought almost everything I need myself'. They probably know that - I bet you've told them - so are now wondering what on earth they could buy you.

Anenome · 17/09/2010 19:56

No Yyou are not being unreasonable...if the OP does not have a lot of cash then her parents might offer to buy the pram for her..it's usual (at least in working class families) for the parents to buy a cot or pram for their grandchild.

curlymama · 17/09/2010 19:59

People ususlly love buying presents for babies, I know I love it when I get to go hunting for gorgeous baby gifts. Maybe that's what they have done, they could have wanted to choose what they gave you rather than get things you need.

rpickett · 17/09/2010 20:01

ANENOME may be usual but not a given.
My parents never bought anything for the arrival of my 2 sons and have only bought my pram this time as they had bouht my sister one and felt a bit guilty.

eaglewings · 17/09/2010 20:01

one of the nice things about preparing for ds#1 was having my mil and others asking what they could get for the baby. It wasn't about the amount they paid, but the sense of excitment and being part of the family growing.

When you are feeling hurt (unloved?) its easy to say things like "they better had" especially in those few hormone days when you know everything is about to change and you have no control of when or how

Yika needs some slack and support

HollyGoHeavily · 17/09/2010 20:01

So what happens if they turn up without a gift? Will you not let them see the baby until they have bought something you approve of? Jeez, you sound lovely....

GeekOfTheWeek · 17/09/2010 20:03

You sound like a spoiled cow.

Original poster
Yika · 17/09/2010 20:13

OK point taken about 'they better had' (I think that springs from frustration about my brother keeping on forgetting to lend me the one single second-hand baby article I keep asking him for!). I know they will love the baby which is the main thing. And no, I haven't told them anything about what i have or haven't bought; they have no idea.

I don't have a sense of entitlement about being given things - in fact I often feel embarrassed by gifts, particularly generous ones. And it's not that there's anything I can't afford myself. I think it's more a feeling of not having their support or help. I'd just like someone to ask if there's anything I need. (For example, would there be something in particular they could bring from the UK, since I live abroad.)

In any case I accept that the majority view is that IABU!! :) even if I still can't help but feel hurt...

OP posts:
StantonLacy · 17/09/2010 20:14

YANBU

My family were just the same - my sister and mom did not have a clue about what we needed for our first baby and ended up buying gifts that were unusable or that we already had one of. I could not understand why they didn't just ask us - they were without a doubt going to give us a gift (not assumed by us, but stated by them), so why not buy something we really needed ? It was a real shame and they were both upset when they realised what had happened.

If any of my friends or family are expecting, I always ask if there's anything in particular they need, so as not to replicate presents/force my taste in things on them.

It's common sense to me to do that, and a thoughtful gesture, but I'm obviously in a minority here. Smile

Good luck with everything, btw !

Effjay · 17/09/2010 20:15

Hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised by what you receive after the baby arrives. Some people are very superstitious about giving gifts beforehand and like to make sure that there is a safe arrival

Original poster
Yika · 17/09/2010 20:16

@eaglewings - yes it's exactly that feeling of excitement and the family rallying round which I am missing.

I'm close to my family, we never really fall out and they'd be absolutely mortified at the thought of me being hurt by anything they'd done...

... perhaps it's hormones too as you say :( Am feeling very up and down

OP posts:
RobynLou · 17/09/2010 20:17

YANBU

I get that it's not about the gift but about the thought behind it and feeling that they care enough to be thinking of you and asking you what you need.

carriedababi · 17/09/2010 20:20

aw, good luck with the new baby,perhaps aibu isn't the best place to hang out/start new thread when your due a new baby in 3 days.

you might get a kinder response in relationshps.

personally i can understand how you feel as grandparents often help to but prams or cots etc.
but maybe they have a lovely suprise for you
if not just try and chill and do not have expectaions upon others.

good luck.

hope all goes well

euphrosyne · 17/09/2010 20:26

I don't think YABU
But have faith... My experience from PIL coming from abroad was that they brought an extra suitcase full of presents when they came to see the baby.
Good luck!

perfumedlife · 17/09/2010 20:31

YANBU

My family fought over who would buy our pram/cot/bath etc. It seems unusual for a family to not offer to buy something for their daughter's baby.

Did they show interest in what you were buying?

eaglewings · 17/09/2010 20:34

Glad you have had some positive comments Yika and hope that you will still feel you can turn to MN after the birth when you need support :)

Good Luck for the birth and the wider fmaily arriving

Meglet · 17/09/2010 20:40

yanbu-ish.

It seems to be fairly common for parents to help out with cots / pushchairs with first grandchildren. Obviously not every parent has the money to help though. FWIW my mum never bought a thing for my dc's as XP's family gave us the money for equipment, but mum did practical things instead.

Although you might regret expecting them to bring presents when they descend on you with loads of cuddly toys that will take up space and will hardly be played with - ever. Cuddly toys are the work of the devil IMO.

Hope the birth goes well and your family are all supportive Smile.

Original poster
Yika · 17/09/2010 21:30

Thanks for the YANBU comments which are very kind though realistically I acknowledge IABU to some degree, so I don't mind the harsher comments earlier on - all food for thought.

I know they will bring things - don't know why I had that 'they'd better' outburst - I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and wishing for just a bit more practical support.

But feeling much better now for getting it off my chest :)

OP posts:
QS · 17/09/2010 21:34

I can see where you are coming from.
It is not so much the actual gift, but the sitting down together to discuss what you need for the baby, and the new grandparents saying, "hey, can we get the cot/pram/car seat " etc. dhs aunt was really keen to get the pushchair for our firstborn, because when dh was just born, she bought her sister the puschair for him, so it meant a lot to her to get us the pushchair. Etc. I think this is the kind of thing the op is missing.

thefirstmrsDeVere · 17/09/2010 21:43

It would be nice.

I have had a few bits of clothing from my family but thats it.

I am used to it but it did hurt that they bought a pram for my sister and things like that.

But I am used to getting on with it so I am nto going to allow myself to give it headspace (man).

mumeeee · 17/09/2010 21:58

I think YABU. I will get a present for ny nieces baby but won't be asking what she wants. Mainly because I know she won't have been out and bought everything for herelf. I will talk to my sister ( my nieces Mum ). I know my niece or her DH wouldn't expect a present and they will appreciate whatever they are given. I wnt my gift to be a surprise