to not waste any more time on a so called friend?

[esmeroo]

Hi long story so will try to keep brief.

Been friends with a mom from school for about 4 years. We met through our daughters. The girls always got on well though they had their own best friends. I thought this mom friend and I were really close. We both talked to each other about everything. She was a fantastic support when I was going through my cancer battle. I thought we would be friends for life.

However, my daughter's best friend (B)started to make comments that she spent too much time with my friends daughter (C) and became jealous.

My daughters's best friends (B) mom started to invite (C) to play with her daughter regularly and excluded my daughter.

My friend and B's mom became friends and spend lots of time with each other as do their girls. My daughter went over to C house to play yesterday for first time in couple months. Her mom (my friend)said no food in so couldn't stay for tea. C told daughter not true. C showed my daughter a book that her mom had drawn up with a list of friends her daughter should play with. B was top of list. My daughter wasnt on list though her friend said she wanted her to be but her mom wouldnt let her.

I am very shocked and upset though daughter seems to be taking it in her stride and has other friends at school to play with.

My friend invited me round for coffee couple days ago and everything was fine. I have tried to ignore the fact that my daughter has been cut out of friendship. My friend also tries to sneak past me outside school when she has C with her.

I invested a lot in our friendship. I thought we were really close. I am quite devasted at the situation. I know I am bit more sensitive than usual because of health probs.

My friend knows my situation. Our family have been though so much.

I've spoken to another friend/family members and they say they always got impression friend is a people pleaser and perhaps other mom has said things. Someone told me B's mom is a networker and is always cultivating friendships for her daughter.

AIBU? Please can anyone help me get this in perspective. I feel really let down.
Thanks

She sounds like an utter loon. You need better friends. Tell her to fark orf.

I'd say ask her why she's doing this. Tell her your daughter has seen this 'list' (that's utterly bonkers by the way - not surprised you're reconsidering the friendship).

If she denies it say 'I think we both know you wrote that list'. Though to be fair that is a bit of a bluff because it is possible your daughter and/or her daughter may have vivid imaginations! But tied in with her avoidance behaviour it seems likely to be true.

Whether she admits it or denies it, tell her how hurt you feel and how disappointed you are in her as (what you had thought was) a friend.

Then leave it. It's hard but you'll have kept your dignity and said your piece. She should be utterly ashamed of herself.

I mean, what sort of dingbat makes a list of friends that are suitable for her child? The woman has issues. Is her daughter so popular that she is beating off potential friends with a stick? She sounds over-bearing and like a nightmare person in general.

I would ask her what the bloody hell her problem is BEFORE telling her to fark off.

move on. make other friends. Encourage your daughter to do the same.

That's really all you can do without looking needy, or getting into childishness.

The alternative of course is to say how you feel to these women. How do you think you would be seen then?

Look at it this way also - c's mum said they didn't have anything in for tea. Whether this was true or not, C was not being nice (I edited that! ) to tell your daughter otherwise! Same goes for showing your daughter the list! Seems to me that C wanted to hurt your daughter.

Go to a nightclass, join netmums for local mum meet up, invite other kids round and get to know the parents. Write this pair off. If they're bothered about you, they'll come back to you!

Thank you for your advice. I feel better now shared problem with you. Husband just gets angry about it!

I dont think it's worth telling her how I feel. I would prefer to as I would rather be upfront and honest but get impression now that she wouldnt be.

I do have other friends as does daughter. We are both quite outgoing. It's just that this friend was someone I could really open up to. We spent so much time together and our respective families. We even all spent boxing day together last year.

I feel that I have wasted 4 years on the friendship. Husband very angry as he did so much for her and her family. We never expected anything in return.

Actually I think it is important that your daughter sees that you are not prepared to be friends with someone who draws up lists and excludes her from friendship suitability.

I think she has gone coco loco for definite to go from being a caring friend to someone who draws up a friends list.

Hope she is reading this and is thoroughly ashamed of herself!

Ooh, octopus is good!

Thank you for the further advice. When I've picked myself up, I will decide what to do/say.

I've certainly learnt a lesson. Probably best if with any potential new friends I will keep my distance!

Sad to hear this, especially because your daughter was at the direct receiving end. I am becoming so cynical nowadays about friendship. It seems like everyone has an agenda and I can't always work it out. I made 'good' friends with two mothers after I had my first son. They subsequently had other children, who I lovingly bought presents for. But when I had another child I didn't even receive a card. I don't mean that to sound materialistic, I was just very hurt because of their lack of interest. We used to see each other at least once a week. After DS2 I was just brushed under the carpet. Seemed to me that, as our eldest where then at different nurseries, I had served my purpose. One of the mothers texted me recently to ask if she had done something to upset me. The only time she had contacted me in well over a year was, on the pretense of seeing how I was, to see if I could help her with a quiz evening she was running, as I had recently run one (big-headedly!), quite successfully. Sorry to hijack with seemingly insignificsnt stories. After sharing such a difficult time with your friend, I can't imagine the hurt you must be feeling. And when it involves our children we become even more upset. I have a sneaking suspicion that my son wasn't invited to a party recently, held by a lady I am on very good chatting terms with, whose son is a play buddy of my son. I really don't know why. As I say, I'm becoming increasingly cynical and just don't feel like 'playing the game anymore'. Although my mum, infinitely wiser than me, says that I should just harden myself up and let things pass over my head, or I won't have any friends. In your case, this so-called friend is definitely not worth pursuing. I wouldn't stoop to her level and make any comment. If your daughter asks why you don't see the woman and her daughter, just say something along the lines of 'we are just doing different things nowadays and don't have time to meet up'. Let's not tar everyone with the same brush. There are some great people out there x

Since when did parents become so interfering and controlling of who their children are friends with?

Madness. It'll only come back and bite you on the bum!

C's mother is a total nutter. A loser for drawing up that list. You can bet it's not based on people's finer qualities!

And B's mother - well, she's someone you can still be friends with surely but really, don't expect too much or confide in her because she will most definitely let you down again. No loyalty. No sense of what is real and important. Loonies.

It's very painful and lonely but you know what, there are probably lots of other mums at the school who are really decent folk and who deserve a friend like you who isn't obsessed with superficial bollox.

Please move on. Always be polite to B and C's mothers but don't give them more than courtesy. They don't deserve more than that. You need some real friends. And it actually might be better to cultivate friends away from the school so that your relationships don't impact on your daughter's. That's not fair either.

I hope it gets better for you. X

Beccatheboo- Thank you. Sorry to hear you have also had difficulties with "friends". Yes it is more upsetting when children are involved. It is so hard trying to understand how some peoples minds work!

Winkywinkola - Thank you for your kind advice.

xx

When I feel a bit down in the dumps and hurt by people, I focus on my family - how I'm lucky to have them. But I am a social person and like having people to chat to. I blame so-called 'social networks' for proliferating false friendships - a throwaway friendship culture. What happened to the days of sticking through thick and thin? Reading this back I sound so heavy! Hope you get my gist. You sound lovely, Esmeroo. Move on and spend your energy on people who deserve you. xx

esmero give other mothers a chance! You might be surprised how many good people are out there, its only few bad ones that shatter confidences to the ground. But be warned it is not over: they will come back to you and you need to be strong and polite not to be pulled back, because being rejected once is bad enough but twice by the same people and you will need to pay for a counsellor for a year!! This is your life too, try and enjoy it especially after all that you have been through...

You actually sound too decent to be friends with people like this.

If it were me, I'd smile, say hello to B and C, and move swiftly on.

I'd say the way these two behave, they deserve each other.

And your daughter deserves better too, than being treated meanly like this.

Good luck.

I think they have both done you a favour actually. Had this not happened, you could have wasted many, many years on the friendship rather than just four. They both sound dreadful and you sound much too nice for them .

It can be really hurtful getting to know people through your children! I've got to know lots of people that way. Much of the time you realise that these are pleasant people to spend time with but really it's all about facilitating the kids' friendship. And sometimes I've thought that the Mums and I are firm friends in our own right. And it's happened over the years that as our children have drifted apart then I've had a nasty shock from some of the people in the latter category, who are no longer interested in me at all. But the friendship has lasted with others, which makes it worth it.

Write these two off, politely, but don't give up on everyone else. It will work better with others.

Thank you all again for your wonderful support and advice.

Thank you for posting and sharing your experience. It helps to think that lots of us have been in the same situation. x

A list? really? Is she five?

I don't have the time of day for individuals such as these. It's the sort of childish behaviour you expect to be left in the playground, but I keep meeting fully grown women who behave like bitchy teenagers.

Be polite, but distant. Don't bitch to others about them, just leave them well alone. They'll get the message eventually, and you'll stop caring what they are up to/what they think.

Esmeroo, you mentioned that this person had been there when you went through cancer. That can have an odd effect on relationships - I know when I was ill (with cancer also) it did some strange things to relationships. There are people in this world who are emotional vampires, and they come along when someone is going through a tough time,as they love to feed off all the pain and drama. When things get better they move on to the next victim. I had to beat off a few people like that when I was ill. Your true friends were there before you were ill, and will be there for you now and in the future. I think it's best you leave this woman well alone - if there is really a list for instance - that sounds downright bonkers. Hope you are continuing to recover, this is the last thing you need when you are still vulnerable.

scuttlebutter - Hope you are better now. A family member mentioned something similar to you regarding "emotional vamires" That is a very good description.

Good advice off all you ladies.

x

Now I think this is very hurtful for you and she sounds a loon.

But - just for argument's sake - are you 100% sure that your daughter hasn't had a falling out and upset her DD in some way. So the "list" could have been her sitting down with her DD and saying "well, lets think of all the people you can play with who aren't mean to you"?. That maybe your DD could have said or done something hurtful (cos the situation with 3 of them often goes that way) and your friend is attempting to deal with it without losing your friendship? I know you can't imagine your DD saying anything bad but it could have been a one-off or taken out of context.

For that reason I would say have it out with her honestly and calmly. You've nothing really to lose after all.

I think that some mothers try to cultivate friendships for their children to cultivate friendships for themselves. Am sorry you have been through a hard time esmeroo.

Something similar with schoolground "friends" to me recently. The emotional vampires sums them up nicely. I thought we were good friends, but I realised that when my child was forever getting asked to tea and me to lunch but things were never followed through yet other people and their children were always having tea / lunch etc.
It is hard and it can be quite upsetting.
I have distanced myself emotionally and literally physically.
I am polite but distant to these people and to be honest, it is easier not to be involved anymore.