to not waste any more time on a so called friend?

[esmeroo]

Hi long story so will try to keep brief.

Been friends with a mom from school for about 4 years. We met through our daughters. The girls always got on well though they had their own best friends. I thought this mom friend and I were really close. We both talked to each other about everything. She was a fantastic support when I was going through my cancer battle. I thought we would be friends for life.

However, my daughter's best friend (B)started to make comments that she spent too much time with my friends daughter (C) and became jealous.

My daughters's best friends (B) mom started to invite (C) to play with her daughter regularly and excluded my daughter.

My friend and B's mom became friends and spend lots of time with each other as do their girls. My daughter went over to C house to play yesterday for first time in couple months. Her mom (my friend)said no food in so couldn't stay for tea. C told daughter not true. C showed my daughter a book that her mom had drawn up with a list of friends her daughter should play with. B was top of list. My daughter wasnt on list though her friend said she wanted her to be but her mom wouldnt let her.

I am very shocked and upset though daughter seems to be taking it in her stride and has other friends at school to play with.

My friend invited me round for coffee couple days ago and everything was fine. I have tried to ignore the fact that my daughter has been cut out of friendship. My friend also tries to sneak past me outside school when she has C with her.

I invested a lot in our friendship. I thought we were really close. I am quite devasted at the situation. I know I am bit more sensitive than usual because of health probs.

My friend knows my situation. Our family have been though so much.

I've spoken to another friend/family members and they say they always got impression friend is a people pleaser and perhaps other mom has said things. Someone told me B's mom is a networker and is always cultivating friendships for her daughter.

AIBU? Please can anyone help me get this in perspective. I feel really let down.
Thanks

I think it is always difficult when adults become friends through their children - you need to make an effort to keep that friendship separate from the relationship between your children. Children who are best friends in Reception or Y1 may drift apart or fall out as they get older. There is no reason why their parents can't remain friends if they want to.

And Tippychooks is right - you don't know what had been going on between the girls. Some of my lovliest friends have children who are not quite so lovely and can be quite mean to other children (not suggesting your dd is like this!) but my being friends with the mother does not require our dcs to be friends. And some of my dcs best friends have parents that I have nothing in common with & have no interest in becoming close friends with.

Esmeroo, I was thinking along the same lines as Tippychoocks.

The list could be a way of helping her dd to get some perspective. My ds sometimes says he's got no-one to play with.

It's possible her dd has been upset about friendships involving your dd. I'm not saying your dd has been mean, but I helped in my dd's reception class, a little girl came up to me and kept saying my dd was telling lies and not being nice - they have a certain take on things sometimes!.

With a threesome as Tippy said the dynamics can get a little complicated, something which may not affect your dd another child can blow up out of all proportion.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like your friend has dealt with it very well, sorry you're upset. I suppose I've become less sensitive so I would just keep it on a level and drink coffee with her if you still like her company.

I am a fan of lists (not that I EVER follow them :o) but who your child can be friends with?! That's a new one on me and one I wont be joining in with!

I agree with others. You are decent. move on and ignore. :)

A list of friends? How pathetic.

My 'friend' and DD came round to play last year (our DDs were the best of friends but go to different schools). The girls went to play in the garden and her DD told my DD that she wasn't allowed to come to her birthday party but could she still come to my DDs? When my DD asked why she wasn't invited my friends DD said that her Mum said she only wanted certain friends there and my DD wasn't one of them!

I was absolutely furious - this was the straw that broke the back of an already shaky camel!

I'm sorry that this has happened but as others have said I would distance myself and let them get on with it.

I just want to add that there has been some wonderful advice on here. I would be tempted to go along the distance yourself route.

You've got other friends and of course your family so you're not alone. Be polite, but dont confide or expect anything from them. Im a big fan of keeping my feelings and thoughts to myself (if I said what I wanted to say sometimes I would have no friends)

I too have had problems with finding friends. I dont have anyone close to confide in with anything (apart from DH and my parents) and Im not invited to a lot of things that goes on (in fact there's something going on today that someone has organised where Im not invited and from what I can gather there is quite a few going) and I just ignore it. I really want to ask where my invite is or why Im not invited, but I just ignore it and dont say anything. Perhaps I should ask and see what happens, but Im scared that will lead to fall-outs and then I will have even LESS friends.

All most of us want is one, two or three close friends who we can share anything and everything with, but unless these friends we have want the same with us then we are exculded.

Hi Tippychooks
Yes I understand what you are saying. I have dissected the situation and tried to come up with explanations. Our daughters were never best friends. They played nice together though when me and the other mom spent time together.

It was my daughter's best friend who I think felt a bit excluded. My daughter doted on her BF but when my friendship developed with my friend, inevitably our daughters spent more time together. My daughter's BF kept telling her she wasnt keen on other girl.

I was also friends with daughter's BF mom. Though not close enough that we spent social time together.

I dont understand why my friend sneaks past me when her daughter/my dd BF with her. It's quite strange. Incidentally, dd told me this morning that her BF told her the other day that she misses her and that when she asks her mum if they can play after school, her mum doesnt answer her. DD's BF also told her that her mom has said to her "isnt xxx (my friends DD) your BF now?"

Have decided to put some distance between us.
x

Probably wise if it's causing upset. She does sound controlling fwiw.

So, am getting a bit confused, there are two other mums both being loons? Your ex friend and daughter's BF's mum? So the same mum is asking her DD if your DD isn't still her friend but also not answering if her DD asks if your DD can play? Gracious

It's sad for your DD but distance may not be such a bad plan