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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding - my dad doesn't want to do a speech, I feel a bit sorry for myself!!

50 replies

Janus · 17/09/2010 14:29

After partner and I being together for 13 years and having 3 children (and one on the way!), we have decided to get married in 5 weeks.
We are trying to keep it simple as we are not spring chickens anymore (!) and just want to become one family and for everyone to come and join us and have a good time.
My family have been a bit 'scared' of all this is the only way I can describe it. They want no head table, that's fine, we prefer a round table, my Mum wants to sit nowhere near my MIL because they haven't met before, ok, she's a bit shy, I can work around that, my mum has even suggested we 'go off and get married' on an island I suppose so they don't even have to be there! Finally, today, my Dad has said he doesn't like making speeches and can he therefore not say anything. We aren't trying to do 'formal' speeches, my partner wants to say something and he has a friend he has asked to say some words, not specifically a best man's speech, all speeches before the food so out the way.
At this point you may think they don't like my partner (!) but no, they love him, so it's not that.
I feel a bit sad my Dad doesn't want to say something about me but I don't want him to feel uncomfortable so I said it was fine but inside I just feel a bit sorry for myself.
Did anyone not have many speeches at their wedding, will people think it odd?

OP posts:

Hassled · 17/09/2010 14:32

I didn't have speeches at my second wedding but it was a very quiet registry office + restaurant do. Depending on what sort of wedding you're having, no one will think it odd.

This is obviously important to you - do you think maybe you should just talk to your Dad and tell him how you feel? Is he generally a quiet, shy sort of man?

scurryfunge · 17/09/2010 14:33

People will thank you for not having speeches.

You don't really need anything more than, "thanks for coming".

I wouldn't expect someone to do something they are deeply uncomfortable with.....you could make a speech though.

trainsandplanes · 17/09/2010 14:34

We didn't have speeches at our reg office wedding. TBH I find them cringeworthy. Prefer just to eat. Don't be offended by your dad, the though of doing it might be stressing him out.

nickelbabe · 17/09/2010 14:36

my dad hates speeches too - i told him al lhe had to say was thanks for coming and enjoy yourself.

so he did, basically, say just that, and then ended with "that's all you're getting" as he jumped down from the lecturn

lal123 · 17/09/2010 14:36

13 years and 3 DC and your parents have never met??? How did you arrange that??!

ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 17/09/2010 14:37

We didn't have any speeches at our wedding. We cut the cake and I quickly said thank you to everyone for coming and that was it. No-one thought it was odd - I think they were happy not to have to listen to any!

pearlsandtwinset · 17/09/2010 14:38

My DH did a speech as a best man and it was dreadful!!! Better he says he's really uncomfortable and doesn't 'dread' but rather looks forward to your day. At my distant cousin's wedding my Dad did a speech because he's good at it and I don't know what her father's reason was.

Try not to feel offended and ask someone who would a) love to and b) be very good at it.

Don't let all this ruin your lovely day. Enjoy.

FloraSeymour · 17/09/2010 14:40

My uncle is like that so my cousin just said a few words for herself.

Look at it as being progressive - FOB speeches date back from when women were not allowed to speak for themselves.

CMOTdibbler · 17/09/2010 14:40

My poor dad hates nothing more than formal occasions, and speaking to anyone new very stressful. He did manage to say a few words at my wedding, but I wouldn't have forced him - knowing that if he wasn't happy it would ruin his day.

Sounds like your parents are similar - so don't be offended, and no one else will care either

PortBlacksand · 17/09/2010 14:40

That was what stood out to me in the OP too lal123...

Minxie1977 · 17/09/2010 14:41

We had a party and it didn't need speeches but I wanted my DF to say something - he doesn't like talking to a crowd but did it for me. Seems some of your family are forgetting it's a very special day for you. Time to put aside petty worries IMO.

Katisha · 17/09/2010 14:43

Make your own speech. Why should a man have to do it for you?
I made a speech at my wedding.
Actually it was very short and was largely just a vote of thanks to various people, but I did think if there ARE speeches, it's important that the woman's voice is heard.

Chil1234 · 17/09/2010 14:44

My best friend married a Dutchman in lavish style and (I understand it's the tradition over there) everyone at the reception seemed to make a speech - some with Powerpoint presentations, would you believe? It went on for hours and we were glazing over by the end. By contrast, the most relaxed wedding I went to was just a few mates at the registry office, we all went for a dinner somewhere nice afterwards and the groom said a short thanks to everyone for coming. I think you'll have a wonderful time.

JeMeSouviens · 17/09/2010 14:44

My dad didn't do a speech at my wedding either, so we asked a family friend to say a few words in his stead. Worked fine.

If I was doing it again, I would scrap speeches, and keep it to a simple thankyou for coming and sharing our day. They can end up very cringe worthy IMHO.

ANTagony · 17/09/2010 14:45

Could you have a best wishes book and circulate it to the family and friends before the wedding? Then instead of a formal speech the 'not the formal best man' could maybe read out a selection of these rather like at large weddings the cards from people who can't make it are read out.

My dad is a bit worried about public speaking so didn't do a speach at mine and then my sister insisted he did at hers. He got all tongue tied and lost his thread midway. It was really sad for him because he is a great man but not one of many words.

Original poster

Janus · 17/09/2010 14:46

It's OK really, I just wondered if everyone would think we are odd!!
2 family's live in different countries and we haven't had children christened so, hence, have never met, added stress for the day really!!
My partner is quite good at speeches and I think he will probably say enough for everyone!! so hopefully that will be sufficient for everyone, I know he's going to thank my mum and dad for coming, raising such a lovely daughter , thank everyone else for coming, thank me for giving birth 3 times and one more to come! I hope that will be personal and lovely enough to cover all the speeches we need.
I don't want my Dad to feel uncomfortable so I always said to partner that he may decide not to do it and we agreed it was fine, just sounded a little odd when he actually said he didn't want to do it.
We are having it all at a hotel, registry and then food, the registry suggested someone reading a poem in the ceremony, shall I ask him to do that and then all he has to do is read out some printed off words, not have to make up his own speech??

OP posts:

MrsMoosickle · 17/09/2010 14:46

DH and I had Registary Office, then lovely restaurant. No top table just 3 big long tables in a square shape and the two mothers opposite each other ( for the same reasons you've outlined)

DH made a small speech to thank everyone for coming and to comment on my loveliness ( I wrote it [wink} and then we ate.

It was utterly fuss free. Agree with everyone else, no one missed them at all.

Have a brilliant day

fedupofnamechanging · 17/09/2010 14:46

Didn't have speeches at my wedding. They make me cringe. Am hoping now that I didn't offend my dad by saying I didn't really want any.

A bit of a tangent here, but I actually think that it's a bit odd that we all get married in front of family/friends. I really didn't like the idea of making such personal promises in front of everyone and would have much preferred a private ceremony -just me and DH. Wish I had eloped.

Anyway, back to topic. I don't think you should take it personally. It is not a reflection on how much your dad loves you. Perhaps he just isn't comfortable discussing emotions in front of people he has never even met.

I hope you have a wonderful wedding.

MrsMoosickle · 17/09/2010 14:48

Pah!

FallingWithStyle · 17/09/2010 14:49

See, this is why I just dont get weddings.
Your dad doesn't want to make a speech - he shouldn't have to.
You dont need anyone to stand up and talk about you to a group of people who know you anyway, do you? What does it reall mean, after all? It's just a strange thing that everyone has at their wedding cos, er, everyone has it at their wedding.

ApplesandBananas · 17/09/2010 14:51

Don't put pressure on him, some people hate public speaking and it could ruin the day for him. You could ask on the day that he stand up and propose a toast - 'thank you for coming, to the bride and groom, cheers' - which is much less of a deal than a speech or a reading.

I've done readings, and often speak in public for work, but it is still nerve-wracking. For someone shy, it could be dreadful! And if you've been together 13 years with 3 DCs, your dad's not the 'head of the family' as if you were leaving home to get married, which is where, I think, the tradition comes from.

JaneS · 17/09/2010 14:51

I don't think your dad needs to make a speech, but if he is just shy about it, how would he feel about writing some remarks and having someone else read them out/incorporate them into their speech? Eg., 'And I know Janus's dad wanted me to say how happy he is today/ how pleased he is to see you all celebrate with his daughter and new son-in-law'. That might work.

JaneS · 17/09/2010 14:52

Ooh, and congratulations, of course!

Original poster

Janus · 17/09/2010 14:54

Falling, I agree with you really, I have never wanted to get married but he has asked me so many times that I finally said yes!!!! All the organising (in about 3 months flat), with 3 children to run after, has always put me off but I'm nearly there now and apart from now having to alter my dress because I'm 11 weeks pregnant (not quite planned timing!) the last minute stresses now seem to knock me worse than they would normally have. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones too making me feel odd?

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 17/09/2010 14:55

After the speech my dad gave at my wedding, I say thank your lucky stars! My dad's not a big drinker so the free flowing wine did a number on him and he babbled incoherently for ages! It was dead cute though.

I think most people dread the speeches at weddings (I know I do) and I feel sorry for the poor people who actually have to give them. Speaking in public is a nightmare for so many people and has ruined the day for many a dad and best man, so I'd say if he is really against it reassure him that you don't mind and leave it at that. Do give him a chance to change his mind though, once he thinks about it he might realise it's more important to him than he thinks.

As for what people think - who cares?? Weddings are full of annoying traditions that you "have" to uphold, which essentially are boring and pointless. The main thing is that you have a fun day and it all goes smoothly. If someone's going to bitch about details then they don't deserve to be there.

BTW I think the poem idea is lovely - just make sure he doesn't feel coerced into it.

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