wedding - my dad doesn't want to do a speech, I feel a bit sorry for myself!!

[Janus]

After partner and I being together for 13 years and having 3 children (and one on the way!), we have decided to get married in 5 weeks.
We are trying to keep it simple as we are not spring chickens anymore (!) and just want to become one family and for everyone to come and join us and have a good time.
My family have been a bit 'scared' of all this is the only way I can describe it. They want no head table, that's fine, we prefer a round table, my Mum wants to sit nowhere near my MIL because they haven't met before, ok, she's a bit shy, I can work around that, my mum has even suggested we 'go off and get married' on an island I suppose so they don't even have to be there! Finally, today, my Dad has said he doesn't like making speeches and can he therefore not say anything. We aren't trying to do 'formal' speeches, my partner wants to say something and he has a friend he has asked to say some words, not specifically a best man's speech, all speeches before the food so out the way.
At this point you may think they don't like my partner (!) but no, they love him, so it's not that.
I feel a bit sad my Dad doesn't want to say something about me but I don't want him to feel uncomfortable so I said it was fine but inside I just feel a bit sorry for myself.
Did anyone not have many speeches at their wedding, will people think it odd?

I actually think your parents sound pretty mean and selfish. This is you and your DH's special day and they should be pleased for you. Personally I think your dad should be happy to say a few words, but if he really doesn't want to then I guess that's his call. What really stands out for me though is that they would refuse to sit on a top table, and refuse to sit near the new in-laws. I'm sorry, but this is not about them. You're their daughter and they should help to make your day special. And for god's sakes, they need to make some vauge effort with the in-laws!

kitsmummy, they just sound very shy to me?

at writer. At least you saw the funny side! My dad, poor bloke, was so nervous his voice went all croaky and high and he babbled, so loads of people asked me in awed tones how much he'd had to drink. He'd had half a glass!

my dad doesn't 'do' weddings or funerals. he came to the reception of both my weddings (!) and had a thoroughly nice time. my brother walked me down the aisle at 1st (big fancy) wedding and made a speech, as did I.

ds1 then aged 8 walked me down the aisle at 2nd (small wonderful registry office) wedding. DH, his dad's gf's son, and my mum each said a few words. was lovely!

TBH I think it's a bit sad that he can't stand up and say a few nice things about his own daughter on her wedding day. Lots of people (me included!) are scared of speaking in public. But there's absolutely no way I'd tell my own family that I wouldn't make the effort for them. Sometimes you just have to "man up"...

BTW I can relate to having parent that feel that your wedding is all about them (five weeks before mine, my own mother said she was thinking of not coming because "she had nothing to wear"). It really sucks when they pile additional stress on you when you've got loads on your plate anyway, doesn't it.

Yes LittleRed, shy is probably more accurate than my "mean and selfish", but I'm with Isabella Swan on this one, that even if they are shy, they need to put that to one side for their daughter, it's not too much to ask

I do agree with you both, I just thought it wasn't deliberate.

I do think it's a bit of a shame not to step up to the plate, but then, practically, there might be ways around it that could make a shy person feel much better, and would still let the bride feel her dad was involved.

Well, living together for so long before getting married, you haven't exactly followed 'tradition' so we be upset about it all now?!

Part of the reason your dad may feel uncertain is because there are so many people he doesn't know there, language barrier (don't know, just guessing!!!) or even that he NEVER likes speaking in public.

We had a formal wedding, but we didn't have any speeches by the parents. Do what suits you and your loved ones, and everyone will have a better time!

We had no speeches, except me thanking everyone for coming.

I can think of nothing more utterly cringe-making than my dad (who I adore) standing up and talking about me. Or indeed anyone else. Fortunately the feeling was mutual.

My stepfather gave me away because my father refused to come to my wedding if my mother was invited. Unfortunately he had a stammer and couldn't manage a speech, so a favourite uncle made a beautiful speech for me. Don't make your dad do it if he is he really worried about it, is there someone else like an uncle who would say a few words?

My sister gave me away and did a "Father of the Bride" speech (both my parents died ages ago). There's no reason why (other than tradition) it has to be your Dad, maybe your Mum might say a few words instead? Or do you have a brother/sister who would like to? A reading during the ceremony sounds like a good idea to involve your dad, but only if he would be more comfortable with that. Maybe he just feels as if he doesn't need the pressure and wants to enjoy the day.
How old are your children? Maybe they could say something! That would surely bring tears to all but the hardest of hearts.
I hope you have a fantastic day!

I had speeches at my wedding but wish I hadn't. It ruined the day for DH really because he was so very anxious about having to speak in public. I wish I'd just said forget the speeches. Or done it differently and asked someone else to say something, that way everyone would have been relaxed and enjoyed the day more.

We had a traditional/formal wedding but my Dad is painfully shy and quiet so he didn't do a speech. He walked me down the aisle, we had a dance, etc, and it just seemed torture to me to force him to stand up in front of a load of strangers and speak!

Of all the minor things that didn't go to plan, nobody has ever mentioned the fact that he didn't say anything.

My dad just felt he couldn't at the very last minute (literally a minute before he was going to speak)... so my mother did it instead - and brilliantly! It was fine. My very best friend has a serious phobia of public speaking so she couldn't do it either... I didn't mind at all actually as I wouldn't have wanted them to be uncomfortable.

We had a registry office and restaurant do with minimum fuss. My dad didn't make a speech. DH thanked people for coming and told them to tuck in.

We had a few comments but sod 'em.

I've sat through too many cringeworthy father of the bride, best man speeches to last me lifetime and knew I didn't want that on my 'big' day.

That's lovely Squitten
I think sometimes we get so hung up on tradition and what everyone else expects we forget what's really important.

My dad managed to get out of speeches for me and my sister's wedding by being off his face on (prescribed)painkillersfor her and for my weedings I said no speeches. DH got carried away by the wine occasion and made a speech anyway but I didn't and dad didn't and the best man didn't. I think maybe it's easy to underestimate how intimidating speaking in public can be if you are shy- it would have ruined the wedding for me if I had to- I throw up before hand and shake uncontrollably all the way through any time I have had to give a presentation or speech or anything- all my family are to different degrees so for me it made no sense.
I think the open bar meant that people were too busy drinking to care

My friend's dad is very shy and hates making speeches in public. So at her wedding my friend stood up and said a few words herself. It was a similar do to the one you describe quite small, intimate and informal.

It would be unkind to make your dad do it if he's not comfortable with the idea. You don't want him to dread your wedding do you?

I knew my dad would have done it at our wedding if I had asked him to, but also I knew that he would be really nervous and it would have ruined his enjoyment of the day. He's a bit Victorian and stiff-upper-lip as well but that hides a lot of emotion and I rather suspected he would crack and start to cry in front of people, which he would have been mortified about.

So people didn't think it was "odd" that he didn't give a speech at the wedding of his only daughter - I asked him to video the day and the speeches so he had an obvious other "job" to do.

A few days earlier, I asked him to write out a short (2min) speech on paper. I made a joke of it by saying "and my dad has submitted a statement which I will read to you now" and then stood up, and read it myself prior to my own speech - worked out very well.

At our wedding, we only had a 'thanks for coming' type speech by DH, think LittleRedDragon's idea is a good one if anyone else will be giving a speech.

Oh, and he used to be in photography so the alternative videoing "job" wasn't putting any pressure on him - he was happy/relieved to be asked to do that, in fact!

I really don't want my Dad to do anything that he would dread, I want him to enjoy the day too.

I like a Pam Eyres poem I've seen, do you think he can read this in the civil ceremony (or should I)?

Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,
And here's the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it's creepy and it's late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.

Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It's you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It's you that has to whack him.

Yes, I'll marry you,
You're virile and you're lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!
It's you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I've got PMT it's you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!

I like that it has several references that seem to be tailored to us (I'm pregnant, so baby reference in first verse, we have a labrador that randomly barks at small dogs, he's a better cook than me, etc).

What do you think??

I do find it confusing when people pick and choose the bits of tradition they think are important - usually the bits that relate to other people's behaviour but not their own.

That said, I was upset when I found out the lovely speech my dad made at our wedding was actually written by my mum, so I understand that something you thought would happen will probably not.

Congratulations BTW!

I think you have to read that poem out. Read it instead of your father making a speech, and thank everyone on your own behalf.

To be honest when you have been together for so long, have children and are hosting your own wedding, it would almost seem a bit odd for your Dad to do a speech.

So the poem should be in response to your DH's speech and will raise a laugh!

perfect!

At our wedding the best man didn't do a speech Lovely bloke but just painfully shy. I asked my dsis who was bridesmaid to to one instead - I also did a speech. My stepdad also got his guitar out and sang a song! So slightly unusual but no eyebrows raised and it made our day all the more memorable

Its your wedding so it does not matter.At our wedding the best mans speech was just a thank you to Bridesmaids etc and only lasted about 30 secs (if that) then the brides dad did a speech 3 or 4 mins and then my DW did a little thank you speech and I just sat there with my gob shut

and my brothers best man was a woman