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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to write a blog which slags off friends and family...

33 replies

SassySusan · 16/09/2010 21:47

have started writing a blog. Main point is a place to describe what's it like losing a child. A lot of it is a tad critical about those around me.

I've made little attempt to hide my identity on the blog, so if you read it, and you know me, you'll probably figure it out. However, I haven't told my friends - and have only realy advertised it on bereaved parents forums.

AIBU to write it at all...
Would it be unreasonable to allow a broader group to read it - eg. a link off my facebook account?

Part of me feels that it is my friends and family who are the ones who really need to read it - and if it is critial of them - well they can disagree in the comments box, or just lump it if it is true.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 16/09/2010 21:50

I'm sorry for your loss.

If you have things to say to your family and friends, would it not be better to say them directly, rather than in a blog out there for the world to see?

Appletrees · 16/09/2010 21:52

I'm sorry for your loss. Very sorry, you must have been through hell.

I don't think it sounds like you are slagging them off. Why did you put that in your title? Are you really slagging them off, or describing how their reactions made you feel?

I wouldn't "slag them off" but if you really want to write a blog that helps bereaved parents, and relations of bereaved parents, then letting people know how their reactions can be upsetting would be quite an important part of it.

But I don't see how that is "slagging off" unless you are vindictive and vicious in the way you do it.

DuelingFanjo · 16/09/2010 21:55

I personally wouldn't put a link to the blog on facebook. You could upset a lot of people that way.

I think blogs are a great idea though.

chegggersplayspop · 16/09/2010 21:55

I'm sorry you have had to go through this. If you have issues with your family I think you would be better off discussing them with them and having it out in the open rather than hiding behind a blog. I would feel incredibly hurt if a member of my family did this rather than talk directly to me about it. It's the sort of thing that could cause massive rifts.

Original poster
SassySusan · 16/09/2010 21:57

The purpose of writing isn't to slag any one off... but it is hard to write about being bereaved without being critical of others iyswim.

It is also quite hard to approach people directly, and has a differnt impact. For example, we had a small wedding 3 years ago - DD was there. There were 32 guests... only 9 came to the funeral - of these, only 6 have been in meaningful touch since...

The main audience is really to help bereaved mums - alhtough I know it does do so - and that is fabulous - I really write, because I would like people to understand how bleak it is to lose a child.

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Original poster
SassySusan · 16/09/2010 21:58

Sorry - I meant it's NOT to help bereaved mums... more to explain to a general audienced about losing a child...

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ConnorTraceptive · 16/09/2010 21:58

I'm sorry for all you are going through sassy. If you feel there are things your friends and family need to hear could you write them a letter each telling them what you need from them right now.

Original poster
SassySusan · 16/09/2010 22:01

Oh God - that sounds exhausting connortraceptive I did write my Mum a letter - but how do you do that for the 200 people at Church who don't bother to speak to you... or the 20 "close" friends who haven't bothered to call you...

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StewieGriffinsMom · 16/09/2010 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SassySusan · 16/09/2010 22:02

oh that's a good idea SGM

Will do that perhaps

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SirBoobAlot · 16/09/2010 22:02

You say whatever it is you need to say, and however it is you need to say it. If it means you shout from the rooftops how useless everyone has been when you have needed them most, then do it.

If they read it, they read it - maybe it will make them think.

And if they don't read it, you have still got it off you chest, and hopefully helped some other parents going through such a horrible time.

So sorry for your loss. x

midnightexpress · 16/09/2010 22:02

Hmmm. I too am very sorry for your loss, and I understand completely your need to express your grief and its associated feelings towards your friends and family. However, I also think that in order to help other bereaved parents, this can be done in a fairly anonymous way. I have a FB 'friend' who is constantly describing her family's failings (in her eyes) on FB, including her children, and I always think Hmm when I read her posts. I just don't think that these things, when it is quite clear who is being discussed, need to be shared with the whole world.

I realise that your situation is completely different, but I'm not sure that airing your grievances like this is a good thing.

midnightexpress · 16/09/2010 22:04

Sorry, x-posted with your comment about it being directed at a general audience, but i stand by what I said.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/09/2010 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamsonJam · 16/09/2010 22:12

Sassy - I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your DD.

I don't think YABU to write the blog and not hide it, but if the point of linking from your facebook site is to let your family and friends read it, perhaps it might be more productive to write to them directly. That way they will know you are addressing them directly and feel able to respond, which might work out better for your relationship in the end. They may feel backward about coming forward about something that they read online and so it might not help in the same way.

BTW - would it be possible for you to provide a link to the site on here? Someone close to me lost her child some time ago, and if I could gain more insight I might be able to provide better support.

novicemama · 16/09/2010 22:15

this is on a different scale (much much more frivolous) but a very close friend of mine recently wrote a book in which she used some thinly veiled anecdotes to have a good old dig at quite a few people she is close to. Some of the stuff she said about me was outrageous but only identifiable to other close friends - I felt it was her way of getting some stuff off her chest without actually having to face me and cleverly without allowing me any kind of right to reply.

we're still friends (just) but I am very very wary of her now and tell her the bare minimum about my life for fear it might turn up somewhere in the public domain in the future.

I think it really depends how much you still value any of these relationships and if you think some of them can be rebuilt in the future because you could burn a lot of bridges by doing this. I can't possibly understand what you have gone through and I know that you have to deal with bereavement in your own way. But I would try to think about how you can do this without causing too much hurt if possible.

Original poster
SassySusan · 16/09/2010 22:18

The blog isnt' really about X did this to me, and i HATE them.... it's more generic...

In this peice about how friends react:
susansobspot.blogspot.com/2010/09/friends.html
I mention one specific person who didn't come to the funeral/contact me that I work with... I'm not really having a pop at them...they are just an example.... If I publish it on my FB page, they will know it is them.... but the point of the piece is not to villify them - it's a generic point...

Am probably not explaining very well!

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mojomama · 16/09/2010 22:29

Susan - FWIW your thread reminded me to send an email to a friend of mine who lost her DD over the summer. thank you.

I went to the funeral despite not having seen her for over ten years (I live 300 miles away) - I just felt her loss so keenly. I felt honoured to share in a beautiful - albeit heart-breaking - ceremony. We have written and emailed since then, and she is in my thoughts daily.

I honestly think most people just don't know how to react - your blog could really help people who know those who have suffered such a loss. It could also be cathartic for you and therefore be very valuable in it's own right.

BeatrixRotter · 16/09/2010 22:30

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry the people close to you have let you down so badly. I haven't lost a child but I did lose my mother very young and life carried on as normal, with no one ever mentioning it which was utterly bewildering.

I can't help thinking you should protect yourself by keeping it anon. But I think it's your call really. I don't think it is one others can advise you on.

verytellytubby · 16/09/2010 22:32

I'm sorry for your loss.

I would probably do what you want to do. Better out than in.

Original poster
SassySusan · 16/09/2010 22:36

I can't help thinking you should protect yourself by keeping it anon. But I think it's your call really. I don't think it is one others can advise you on.

Yes - that is the dilemma...

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nomedoit · 16/09/2010 22:38

Can I add the perspective of someone who has been written about in a blog. My 19 year old son decided to vent his anger about me on his blog after I wouldn't let him watch the TV in my bedroom. I won't go into details but I was described as pathetic and useless. When I saw it, I wasn't really surprised by anything he said (I've heard it all before). But I felt very, very humiliated. He never bloody blogs about all the things I've done for him! To his credit, he did take it down when I asked him to and he said according to his site stats no one had read it.

BUT, I felt when I saw it that people would be sniggering about me and our family dirty laundry being washed in public. If you are going to publicly criticize people on a blog SS, you must be prepared for how they will react to your public condemnation. I know your motives are good but that is not a get-out clause. Especially if you paste on FB, in my opinion that is quite a slap in the face to other people.
I feel quite strongly that you may regret posting things you can never take back or revise.

Original poster
SassySusan · 16/09/2010 22:41

Just to add, - I don't think friends and family have let me down particularly... I talk to lots of bereaved mums, and I know my experience is absolutely typical!

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bobdog · 16/09/2010 22:44

Thankyou for linking to your blog.

I enjoy writing and I find it useful to air my emotions and work thru different ways of feeling. You can write with real passion and anger when raw but I find time to be a great editor and being able to contrast the anger with some calm can possibly lead to a greater understanding for the 'audience'.

Why not set yourself a deadline, maybe an anniversary, open to review, when you may or may not link your writing to a wider audience. If someone asks about your writing you could link them in earlier but explain it is 'unedited'.

I'm saddenned to learn of your loss.
my neighbour in her 60's old me the other day about losing her little girl, it obviously still hurt and it made me sad. She said hearing my girls reminded her so we both cried together and I am crying for you now as would she if she saw your writing.

Original poster
SassySusan · 16/09/2010 22:46

Thank you bobdog feel free to ping your neighbour the link if she has internet access

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