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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to write a blog which slags off friends and family...

33 replies

SassySusan · 16/09/2010 21:47

have started writing a blog. Main point is a place to describe what's it like losing a child. A lot of it is a tad critical about those around me.

I've made little attempt to hide my identity on the blog, so if you read it, and you know me, you'll probably figure it out. However, I haven't told my friends - and have only realy advertised it on bereaved parents forums.

AIBU to write it at all...
Would it be unreasonable to allow a broader group to read it - eg. a link off my facebook account?

Part of me feels that it is my friends and family who are the ones who really need to read it - and if it is critial of them - well they can disagree in the comments box, or just lump it if it is true.

OP posts:
DamsonJam · 16/09/2010 22:49

Sassy - thanks for linking your blog - it's very helpful for those of us who need to be able to provide support. To be honest, I don't think you're especially critical in it - you're simply writing it as it is.

Attenborough · 16/09/2010 22:51

Susan, I've just read your blog from start to finish. I think I agree with the people who say that you should say what you need to say; there is a risk that some people will be hurt but if they are people who are worthy to be in your life, they will realise that your hurt is so much greater.

And you write beautifully. I wish so much that you weren't writing about your Catherine in the past tense, but through your writing, I feel as though I knew her a little and I very much wish I had.

BeatrixRotter · 16/09/2010 22:54

I don't mean to be unhelpful. Would you mind if some of the people who don't come off so well took it badly? You might lose friendships, people might be critical of you. If they are unable to talk to you about your daughter of they avoid you someone is bound to point the finger back at you rather than confront the fact they have been crap.

TheCrackFox · 16/09/2010 22:56

Susan I am sorry for your loss.

I have just read your link and I think your writing is very eloquent. I think you should continuing blogging but don't link it to FB.

Scuttlebutter · 16/09/2010 22:57

I'm a blogger and have thought hard about this, as there are no clear cut right or wrong answers. In these circumstances, I would send an email round to family and friends, telling them you've started writing a blog, dealing with your bereavement, the issues it's thrown up, and your hope that it will be helpful to to other grieving parents, at whom it is primarily targeted. For a blog of this nature it does help to be clear about the audience you are aiming for.

In telling family and friends, you have been responsible and honest - it is then up to them if they want to surf by and take a look, but you should not be surprised or offended if they do not. For many family members, especially older ones, the whole concept of blogging, especially about something as intensely personal as this, may not be an idea they are comfortable with.

In my own blog, my own rule of thumb is that if I write about family and friends (e.g. when they visit, including pics) I say nothing that I would not say to their face, and very often the blog will paraphrase a conversation/event. Very occasionally, I will be critical of say, a political issue, or something like an etiquette bugbear such as not writing thank you letters (!!) - in that case, if someone reads it and is given a nudge, then good, but I don't generally do veiled personal criticism. I wouldn't like it if I had a friend who did this.

If your family or friends do take a look it may be that it could be a valuable jumping off point for a conversation, or they may be able to read it quietly and absorb a better picture of how you are feeling. If they are critical, then I would try and work out in advance how you will deal with it - and whether you would be happy to retract/amend or effectively publish and be damned.

The problem I can see immediately is that for instance you might blog about people not coming to your daughter's funeral and one of the readers may think "Well, thea't not fair, I tried to get time off work, but I had to cover" - this happened recently to a friend of mine when she was invited to the snap wedding of one of her oldest scholfriends. There may be other reasons for people doing/not doing things.

To summarise, I think it is helpful to have a hard think about exactly who your blog is being written for and to be up front about it (without turning into a blogging bore).

Just to add, I am very sorry that you lost your daughter, but have focused my post on the blog issues, rather than the bereavement.

chillichill · 16/09/2010 23:02

just read your blog and I don't think you are slagging anyone, I think it is obvious that you are sharing your feelings and pain. if anyone takes it too personally tthat's their problem. having said that, I don't think you should link it on fb as it is beautiful and personal and I worry a link on such a site as fb might cheapen it.
I am so sorry for your loss and so suddenly as well. I hope writing is helping you to find some peace.

nomedoit · 17/09/2010 01:32

SS, just read your blog and I agree that FB would diminish it. The writing is very pure and well-observed. If you can continue to describe your journey so well you will help many people.

SassySusan · 17/09/2010 10:24

Thanks for all the helpful comments.

And to all the people who are suddenly reading my blog! Google blogger keeps stats and the hit rate peaked to a screeching orgasm last night!

Core audience for me has got to be non-bereaved people... bereaved mums know how it feels.

scuttlebutter Thanks for your input - it's helpful to know that it is tricky to write a blog in any circs. I suppose my problem is that I have all your problems with bells on.

Generally I agree I wouldn't want to blog something about someone that I wouldn't say to their face - but the thing is, the experience of bereavement is so intense, that there so much I find hard to say to people's faces now -if I didnt' blog things I hadn't said to people - I would have nothing to say!

When you do challenge people, it is surprising how defensive people are. I know most bereaved parents won't challenge - they are focusing on suriving, not telling people off.

I didn't tell anyone off for not coming to DD's funeral - quite the oppositive - I told all the individuals, if they bothered to contact me at all, that it was fine. However, my experience, from my vantage point, is that only 9 of the 32 people at our wedding came to our daughter's funeral. I sought of think that ground zero persepctive is a valueable one - it's not about, x had a long journey or y had an importnat mtg Hmm iyswim.

I take the point that fb might be a step too far... I will take that on advisement, and keep it anonymous for the time being.

Thanks to everyone for their input. I have added my blog link to my profile - so thanks for that suggestion too.

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