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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to apologise

38 replies

p0mbal · 16/09/2010 13:41

Was at my Mums house yesterday with my 2 DS (3 yrs and 12 weeks). They had friends over and wanted to show off their newest grandson - no problem.
We were all in the garden (I live abroad, it's 30 degrees here) and DS 2 gets hungry. Mum and Dad don't really get why I breastfeed, would rather I didn't and certainly don't want to see it. Fair enough it's their house so I went into a bedroom to feed him leaving DS 1 under their supervision. Came back 15 minutes later to find DS 1 playing alone some distance away from them whilst they were having tea and cake with guests. They have a large garden, with 2 fish ponds, small stream, swimming pool and an electrified fence around one of the fishponds to protect the prize Koi Carp from Herons. I was upset and angry that DS1 was playing alone near so much water, and whilst they were watching from afar I think it's easy to be distracted talking to guests, pouring tea, eating cake and DS1 can easily run off.
It's not the first time he's been left like that in the garden and I've asked before that it doesn't happen. I couldn't hide my anger and was a bit short with my Mum (can't remeber exactly what I said). She's now furious with me and says I embarrassed her in front of guests and should apologise. I think I'm justified in being upset that one of them wasn't with DS1.
AIBU???

OP posts:
MisterW · 16/09/2010 13:46

Without having been there and seeing if they were actually keeping an eye on DS1 I wouldn't want to comment on how reasonable you were to be annoyed but I think you were unreasonable to get angry in front of their guests. I would have bitten my tongue until they had gone.

rpickett · 16/09/2010 13:48

YANBU if they rather you didn't feed in front of them and their guests the least they can do is keep a proper eye on your toddler (providing they agreed to?) I would have been very angry.

Chil1234 · 16/09/2010 13:49

I think you're being unreasonable by assuming your parents were being neglectful. Your parents were in the garden and they will have been very conscious of his movements whether it seemed that way or not. Launching in at them assuming that they would be easily distracted was overreacting and insulting. Understandable, but an overreaction nevertheless.

quiddity · 16/09/2010 13:49

YABU. It didn't have to be sorted out in front of their guests. You should apologise for that.

AgentZigzag · 16/09/2010 13:52

I'm sure they would have been more than 'embarrassed' had anything happened to your DS while they were supposed to be looking after him.

YANBU, water and small children just don't mix, and it doesn't take long for it to happen.

diddl · 16/09/2010 13:52

Did you actually ask them to look after your child while you went to feed?

Perhaps if he has been "left like that before", you need to take him with you or feed in the garden.

I think you were wrong to cause a scene in front of the guests.

taintedpaint · 16/09/2010 13:57

Did you specifically ask them to keep a close eye on your DS? If so, your parents are definitely BU. If you just went off to feed your LO and assumed that your DS would be watched, you're a bit U. It should be a given that GPs watch their GCs but you're the one with parental responsibility so you should probably give clear instructions.

I don't think you did anything wrong with the way you reacted to your mum if she went against your request to supervise your DS. If she has form for going against your instructions, it might have done some good for her to be called out on it in front of her friends. I know it was probably bloody awful for her to be spoken to like that in front of outsiders, but the safety of your DS is more important.

Bloodymary · 16/09/2010 13:57

Why on earth do they 'not get' why you breast feed a young baby?
30 degrees you say. Envy

Chil1234 · 16/09/2010 13:57

As a constructive suggestion... how about taking the 3 year-old to swimming lessons? If your parents' house has a lot of water features and you visit regularly then it would be to his benefit to be confident and familiar around water. All he has to be able to do is stand up (presumably the fish ponds/stream are relatively shallow) and then you can be a little more relaxed when you're there.

Greensleeves · 16/09/2010 13:59

I think they are deeply unreasonable in not supporting your feeding choices - had they been reasonable, your ds would not have been left with them

and never mind whether you asked them or not - presumably they knew you were feeding elsewhere, so they should certainly have been keeping him safe

so YANBU

taintedpaint · 16/09/2010 14:00

The BF is another issue here, they need to respect that whether they have batty ideas about it or not, your baby, your choice. I suppose it's possible they were being lax with your older DS because they didn't approve of you BF, but I would think this extraordinarily childish.

MumNWLondon · 16/09/2010 14:02

I agree that its unreasonable that you didn't feel you could BF but sorry I think being short with your mum in front of the guests was not appropriate.

Original poster
p0mbal · 16/09/2010 14:16

taintedpaint - i did ask them specifically to watch him as I'm really worried about all the water.

Chil 1234 - he does have swimming lessons, it's a good suggestion as most people have a pool or access to one here so it's a real issue, but he can't swim yet and I think it'll take a while for him to learn.

I know I should have bitten my tongue but I was just so angry/upset and only made one off comment, didn't start a huge row or anything.
On balance reading replies will apologise but use it as opportunity to discuss increased vigilance around pool.

OP posts:
taintedpaint · 16/09/2010 14:19

Then YANBU. Apologising for saying what you did in front of the friends is a nice gesture, but don't apologise for the words themselves. It only takes a minute for something to go wrong when there is a child and a body of water around. I'd rather have a pissed off mother than the alternative frankly.

Good luck.

Chil1234 · 16/09/2010 14:56

If your child has swimming lessons then he is unlikely to drown in a shallow pond. Children that do drown are the ones that are unable to right themselves when they find their faces in the water. I say this having experienced an 18mo tip up head-first into a large bucket of water at a stable and being fascinated that he didn't so much as attempt to move or kick. (He was hoiked out pretty sharpish I should add, but would have drowned for certain otherwise) A three year-old that is familiar with being in a swimming pool would almost certainly not drown in shallow water unless he had been concussed or his movements restricted in some other way. That's not to say that they should be left unattended, of course, but I think you should keep up with the swimming lessons and stress on the child that he is not to go near granny's fish....

diddl · 16/09/2010 15:03

OK you asked them, but I think the fact that they had guests might have been an indicator that they might not watch as closely as you would have liked.

But they might have been watching well enough.

Would they have heard if he had gone into the water & how quickly could they have got to him?

nomedoit · 16/09/2010 15:04

YANBU!!! Child drowning is a major cause of child death. I know two families where children have drowned. It is beyond imagining. You cannot be too careful.

ChippingIn · 16/09/2010 17:27

YWBU for saying anything in front of their friends (but you've already said you're going to apologise for that) and I think YWBU to assume they were unable to supervise him just because they weren't standing right next to him.

If you don't think they do a good enough job of watching him, then take a toy for him to play with and take him with you when you feed the baby - but I think you are being a bit silly really. It's not like they went inside and left him out there on his own.

CHILL123 You should read this.... silent drowning

mistletoekisses · 16/09/2010 17:47

Chinppin, thank you so much for linking to that...am so grateful I read it. Thank you!

mistletoekisses · 16/09/2010 17:48

Chipping even. God that thread made me

ChippingIn · 16/09/2010 18:48

It did me too - before reading that I had never understood how a child could drown in only a couple of inches of water - it made no sense... now it does. I have always been careful around water, but now I look for different things than I would have before.

I have also told loads of people about it, including children - I think it's good to get this known.

StreathamHillary · 16/09/2010 19:02

Were they actually watching, though? If they were, YABU. Had he fallen in they would have dashed over. 3 year olds are not the same as 2 yo toddlers - much less likely to fall in! Also, since he hadn't fallen in, YABU to have shown anger in front of guests.

They are thoroughly U to make you feel you have to hide to feed a baby, and no wonder you feel generally argumentative with them. She is also BU in being furious and deanding an apology. She should apollogise for making you feel anxious.

You all sound a little confrontational and argumentative, tbh.

Original poster
p0mbal · 16/09/2010 20:44

ChippingIn - this is what I worry about, that drowning can be quick and silent. DS was 50 yards away with no one between him, 2 ponds and a stream. I think it's easy to get distracted for a few seconds when other things are going on and then lose sight of where he's gone.

Streatham - we are only argumentative when it comes to childcare. I can't believe I survived to adulthood and Mum thinks I'm too overprotective:)

Thank you for your comments it has helped me get a bit of perspective, was livid this morning when I posted.

Went round this afternoon and have apologised for being off and GP's have promised increased vigilance

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 16/09/2010 22:40

All's well that ends well then :)

Do they have the internet? You should send them the link to silent drowning - if not, maybe you could print some of it off.

AnxiousLand · 16/09/2010 22:45

I think that there are other issues goingon between yourself an your parents. There really was no need to embarrass them infront of their guests. You were unresonable and need to apologise and discuss.

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