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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU unreasonable - or worse - by sending this to friend due to have second round of IVF?

33 replies

pumperspumpkin · 16/09/2010 10:25

I don't know what to do - I don't want to upset her further, but I have been very hurt as well. We and another set of friends have been (or so I thought) very close friends for years but over the last six months or so to be honest I had completely written off our friendship as them clearly being "not that into us" anymore. I haven't said anything to either friend about this though. She sent me a text yesterday saying sorry for being out of touch, she's had one unsuccessful round of IVF and has been ill from this, now feels strong enough to talk about it.

I suppose my thing is that it takes two to tango - I haven't contacted her either and feel I want to explain why. I feel guilty for not contacting her now I know what they've been going through, I worry that they might have thought we just didn't care about them. I want to start afresh if we can.

We sound like teenagers falling out of friends and making up. Anyway - apologies for the length - can you let me know what you think? My plan would be to send this by post.

Dear X

Thank you for your text. I wanted to reply but I needed to collect my thoughts a little. I'm not very good at thoughtful, reasoned texting - to say nothing of probably not having enough texts left for this month to do what I have to say justice.

First of all - DH and I are both sorry and pleased to hear that you are having IVF: sorry to hear that it is necessary, and even sorrier to learn that you have had such a difficult time over the last few months. On the other hand, we are pleased that you are now strong enough to try another round. We both very, very much hope that you and your DH will be successful in the near future.

I am sorry if you feel we have rammed our children down your throats (so to speak) and this contributed to you not wanting to see or speak to us.

I promise you that I did not think you were being "extremely rude". I feel sad that I did not contact you in this time either, and feel I ought to explain why to you in case you have been wondering or worse, thinking that I too was being extremely rude.

I have noticed that whenever we, you and C and her DH met up, the last three times it was me who initiated the emails and tried to get a date in the diary. Neither you nor C seemed particularly keen. (Whilst this is not about you, in passing I will say that I have been very hurt by in particular C's very casual approach to meeting up, changing dates and of course lateness - it is not endearing, it is plain rude, especially when she inconveniences others.) After the first two of those last three times, I told myself that I would stop pushing it as it seemed you were not very interested; then after a couple of months I thought no, it would be nice to see everyone. We enjoyed seeing you all at our house in February but all of you turned up very late which again made me feel as though obviously, we wanted to see you all a great deal more than any of you were bothered about seeing us. After that, I determined that I was not going to humiliate myself further by being the needy one again, and would see whether you were really bothered enough about seeing us to actually make plans. As the months passed from both you and C, I felt I had my answer - only reinforced when C contacted me and I heard from her that you had met up in the meantime.

If you are at your parents' house at any point and would like to come and see us, we would love to see you and you are always very welcome.

Love to you both,

pumperspumpkin x

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 16/09/2010 10:30

I'm also going through a second round of IVF and quite possibly have allowed friendships to fall by the wayside, frankly I think I have enough to focus on right now and if the friendships are good enough they can cope with a little bit of neglect.

Re the ramming your children down their throat, has she ever actually used that expression, because if not please take it out now, it sounds awful !! It will most likely just have been that they, as a couple, have wanted to hibernate to deal with the bloody difficult times they have been through and are about to go through again, its as simple as that.

As for who met up when, who initiated it, who met up without who, you really need to grow up, how old are you? 10? Does it matter who is friends "more" with another friend? And do you genuinely think you are helping her with an email or letter like this when she has tentatively tried to respond to you for the first time in ages ??

ColdComfortFarm · 16/09/2010 10:31

Blimey, can't you just send her a card saying, 'So sorry to hear you have been ill. I send you all our love and best wishes and wish you good luck for the next cycle. You will make wonderful parents! We have missed seeing you recently, but now understand why. I hope to see you soon, and do keep in touch. Lots of love, your friend xxxxx'

Your letter reads incredibly 'me, me, me' when this woman has been going through hell! And why are you going on and on and on about C? What is your friend supposed to do about her? If you have an issue with C, take it up with C instead of bitching about her with your mate.

piprabbit · 16/09/2010 10:32

If I received a letter like that, I'm genuinely unsure about how you would want me to respond.
The gist of it seems to be - I'm sorry for what you are going through but I do not intend to make any further attempts to contact you, if you are around feel free to contact me.
In your friend's shoes, I think I would assume that you are ending the friendship and I would probably not bother to respond.

Is this what you want?

IMO the best thing to do would be to pick up the phone and talk - properly.

pinkbasket · 16/09/2010 10:33

I think if you send that email you will definitely never hear from her again.

piprabbit · 16/09/2010 10:34

I like coldcomforts card - much more appropriate.

HRHPrincessReality · 16/09/2010 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HRHPrincessReality · 16/09/2010 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

screamingskull · 16/09/2010 10:35

Dear X

Thank you for your text.......DH and I are both sorry and pleased to hear that you are having IVF: sorry to hear that it is necessary, and even sorrier to learn that you have had such a difficult time over the last few months. On the other hand, we are pleased that you are now strong enough to try another round. We both very, very much hope that you and your DH will be successful in the near future.

personally i think that is suffice to say at this stage if you really want the frienship to get back on to a better footing. The rest sounds like you want a good rant at her.

seriously build a bridge and get over the time keeping thing you sound about 12. just turn up 10 - 15 mins later yourself if it winds you up so bad.

Lancelottie · 16/09/2010 10:35

I'd cut it right back, and miss out any of your hurt and Friend C, as your friend has obviously been having a rough time.

Dear X

Thank you for your text. I wanted to reply but I'm not very good at thoughtful texting - to say nothing of probably not having enough texts left to do what I have to say justice.

First of all - DH and I are both sorry and pleased to hear that you are having IVF: sorry to hear that it is necessary, and even sorrier to learn that you have had such a difficult time over the last few months. On the other hand, we are pleased that you are now strong enough to try another round. We both very, very much hope that you and your DH will be successful in the near future.

I promise you that I did not think you were being "extremely rude". I feel sad that I did not contact you in this time either. I?d noticed that the last three times we, you and C and her DH met up, it was me who initiated the emails, so I thought maybe you were not particularly keen. I am sorry if you feel we have rammed our children down your throats (so to speak) and this contributed to you not wanting to see us as much as usual.

If you are at your parents' house at any point and would like to come and see us, we would love to see you and you are always very welcome.

Love to you both,

pumperspumpkin x

Original poster
pumperspumpkin · 16/09/2010 10:36

OK, thank you all for the quick slap in the face I obviously needed.

Please can no one else reply to this and just let it quickly drop to the bottom. I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.

OP posts:
mamaloco · 16/09/2010 10:36

''I am sorry if you feel we have rammed our children down your throats (so to speak) and this contributed to you not wanting to see or speak to us.

I promise you that I did not think you were being "extremely rude". I feel sad that I did not contact you in this time either, and feel I ought to explain why to you in case you have been wondering or worse, thinking that I too was being extremely rude.

I have noticed that whenever we, you and C and her DH met up, the last three times it was me who initiated the emails and tried to get a date in the diary. Neither you nor C seemed particularly keen. (Whilst this is not about you, in passing I will say that I have been very hurt by in particular C's very casual approach to meeting up, changing dates and of course lateness - it is not endearing, it is plain rude, especially when she inconveniences others.) After the first two of those last three times, I told myself that I would stop pushing it as it seemed you were not very interested; then after a couple of months I thought no, it would be nice to see everyone. We enjoyed seeing you all at our house in February but all of you turned up very late which again made me feel as though obviously, we wanted to see you all a great deal more than any of you were bothered about seeing us. After that, I determined that I was not going to humiliate myself further by being the needy one again, and would see whether you were really bothered enough about seeing us to actually make plans. As the months passed from both you and C, I felt I had my answer - only reinforced when C contacted me and I heard from her that you had met up in the meantime. ''>
leave that out, no point really (?),
the rest is fine.

DuelingFanjo · 16/09/2010 10:37

No No No NO No - don't send it. YABVU.

Having been throug infertility and IVF myself (lucky enough to bne successful first time) now is not the time for you to be having this kind of conversation. They have just come to terms with not succeeding with IVF and your response is completely inappropriate.

ColdComfortFarm · 16/09/2010 10:39

I agree with those who say that if you say, 'if you are at your parents house...etc' it sounds as if you are saying, 'we don't care if we never see you again and will never make an effort to contact you in future' - ie this is the end of our friendship.
I really think all this crap about who emailed who is unbelieveably petty. She's been going through IVF ffs! If you send it, you will lose your friend, unless she is a saint.

ApocalypseFlangePop · 16/09/2010 10:39

Oh ffs sake grow up and stop behaving like a self absorbed, spoilt brat.

If you send that e mail you will cause a LOT of pain, for no good reason.

Either send a card or don't say anything.

mamaloco · 16/09/2010 10:41

Sorry cross post. Good decision. Smile

ElenorRigby · 16/09/2010 10:41

I'm with Coldcomfortfarm here.
My sister has rounds of IVF and nearly 2 years on cannot talk about it. Its simply too painful.

If you want to be a good friend, keep your stuff to yourself. Just reply simply "Dear x, Good to hear rom you again. We will always be here from you x. If you need anything or just what a chat we will always be here for you sweetheart" or something like that.
Keep your stuff to yourself, believe me, your friend has gone through and is going through a VERY tough time.

jellybeans · 16/09/2010 10:42

YABU
I know how hurtful it must feel in some ways when friends meet without you etc but it's best not to over analsye things and just accept that they will call you if they want to. I can't imagine how awful going through IVF must be so I would be very forgiving to someone going through that. Her emotions must be all over the place. She's probably just trying to get through each day.

Nothing exactly simelar but after I had a stillbirth, I found it really hard to be around anyone who had had only good experiences of pregnancy/births and felt better with people who had been through simelar or even any difficult life event. Everything else seemed so trivial as did other people's problems/chatter.

I would just send the top bit saying sorry she is having a hard time. Forget the rest. friends are far from perfect.

captainhook · 16/09/2010 10:44

Just to add - not having a go but perhaps to help you understand if you do see her - the need to hibernate is pretty damn intense when you are going through things like IVF.

We had multiple miscarriages and over those years there were times when, quite frankly, I didn't want to see anyone. It just hurts so much you want to climb down a hole and stay there. I doubt you have rammed your children down their throats but she may well find it extremely painful to be around them, without wanting to say that to you.

I wasn't very proud of the way we behaved when we were trying and failing to have kids, and now we have a beautiful adopted son I think some of our previous friendships are the worse for it. I wish we'd been able to be braver. Suspect your friend feels the same way, so if you can be generous she may well thank you for it.

All the best

ruddynorah · 16/09/2010 10:44

just go and see her, give her a big hug and a large cake. it'll all be ok Smile

DuelingFanjo · 16/09/2010 10:45

Sorry OP, I noticed you wanted this to drop to the bottom. Wasn't going to respond again but as others have bumped too I just wanted to quickly apologise for the tone of my post.

mistletoekisses · 16/09/2010 10:48

OP - You seem to know from your last post that YABVU.

And once you start a thread, asking people to stop posting isnt going to happen.

All this technology has bought us on loads, but lordy lord, what happened to picking up the phone and talking to her. Even just to say, hi. If she doesnt want to talk to you, leave a vm, far more personal than a text or card.

MackerelOfFact · 16/09/2010 10:48

I can understand your frustration, I too have a friend who is extremely passive in the friendship and doesn't seem to make any effort at all. I was in her area at the weekend, having previously informed her of the fact I would be and it'd be lovely to meet up - however on the day said she wouldn't have time as she had to go to a craft shop and do the ironing. However she laments her lack of friends and non-existent social life on Facebook, and always sends me 'best friend' cards on my birthday etc. It's most odd.

However I think you just need to take a step back and see things for what they are. She has been having fertility problems and IVF which will have consumed her life, her feelings and her hormones. I don't think her reaction to her situation is a reflection on your friendship, and I also don't think that a friendship has to be based around plans, timekeeping and appointments to be successful. I popped in and made my friend tea while she was ironing - you just have to be flexible.

Headbanger · 16/09/2010 10:50

YABU. There is really no need to do this; you will just cause more hurt and upset. It's not always necessary to feel that you've 'had your say', and thrashed everything out. Sometimes it really is better to graciously and quietly let things go by, and pick where you left off.

Besides which, you say that your friendship has been on the slide for about the last six months: trust me, in the scheme of a long-term friendship, this is no time at all. there might be a time to come when you (heaven forfend!) have some dreadful personal trial that means you need to keep your head down, and keep yourself very quiet and away from others, for a few months. How would you feel if, on emerging, you were presented with a 2-page letter detailing the ways you'd failed your friend?

I'm always baffled by people talking about friendships as if it's some kind of business transaction: you did this, so I will do that. Of course no-one should be permitted to treat you badly but good friendship should include a lot of patience, forgiveness and compassion.

also, what Ruddynorah said :)

TheReturnoftheSmartArse · 16/09/2010 10:50

Don't be ashamed of yourself, Pumpkin - there's no need. You feel hurt and there's no shame in that. I think the idea of a nice card, as suggested by ColdComfortFarm, is probably much more appropriate. I wouldn't send your letter, but hopefully just having written it down and expressed how you feel to us has helped you get it out of your system. IVF or not, just having a baby makes everyone terribly selfish (think back to your pregnancies: did you not think you were the only person in the World ever to have experienced such joy? I know I did!). She'll come round in her own time. And I suspect your beef is with C rather than your IVF friend anyway. In which case, give her a wide berth!

Headbanger · 16/09/2010 10:51

Oh no, I missed the OP's last post!

Good decision, pal. Good luck to you both.

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