AIBU unreasonable - or worse - by sending this to friend due to have second round of IVF?

[pumperspumpkin]

I don't know what to do - I don't want to upset her further, but I have been very hurt as well. We and another set of friends have been (or so I thought) very close friends for years but over the last six months or so to be honest I had completely written off our friendship as them clearly being "not that into us" anymore. I haven't said anything to either friend about this though. She sent me a text yesterday saying sorry for being out of touch, she's had one unsuccessful round of IVF and has been ill from this, now feels strong enough to talk about it.

I suppose my thing is that it takes two to tango - I haven't contacted her either and feel I want to explain why. I feel guilty for not contacting her now I know what they've been going through, I worry that they might have thought we just didn't care about them. I want to start afresh if we can.

We sound like teenagers falling out of friends and making up. Anyway - apologies for the length - can you let me know what you think? My plan would be to send this by post.

Dear X

Thank you for your text. I wanted to reply but I needed to collect my thoughts a little. I'm not very good at thoughtful, reasoned texting - to say nothing of probably not having enough texts left for this month to do what I have to say justice.

First of all - DH and I are both sorry and pleased to hear that you are having IVF: sorry to hear that it is necessary, and even sorrier to learn that you have had such a difficult time over the last few months. On the other hand, we are pleased that you are now strong enough to try another round. We both very, very much hope that you and your DH will be successful in the near future.

I am sorry if you feel we have rammed our children down your throats (so to speak) and this contributed to you not wanting to see or speak to us.

I promise you that I did not think you were being "extremely rude". I feel sad that I did not contact you in this time either, and feel I ought to explain why to you in case you have been wondering or worse, thinking that I too was being extremely rude.

I have noticed that whenever we, you and C and her DH met up, the last three times it was me who initiated the emails and tried to get a date in the diary. Neither you nor C seemed particularly keen. (Whilst this is not about you, in passing I will say that I have been very hurt by in particular C's very casual approach to meeting up, changing dates and of course lateness - it is not endearing, it is plain rude, especially when she inconveniences others.) After the first two of those last three times, I told myself that I would stop pushing it as it seemed you were not very interested; then after a couple of months I thought no, it would be nice to see everyone. We enjoyed seeing you all at our house in February but all of you turned up very late which again made me feel as though obviously, we wanted to see you all a great deal more than any of you were bothered about seeing us. After that, I determined that I was not going to humiliate myself further by being the needy one again, and would see whether you were really bothered enough about seeing us to actually make plans. As the months passed from both you and C, I felt I had my answer - only reinforced when C contacted me and I heard from her that you had met up in the meantime.

If you are at your parents' house at any point and would like to come and see us, we would love to see you and you are always very welcome.

Love to you both,

pumperspumpkin x

Just wanted to say that it's good that you tried your email out on us first.

You obviously had bad feelings about stuff that had gone on in the past and by writing it all down hopefully you have got it out of your system.

You've obvously come to realise now, from the replies that you've got, that it wouldn't be a good idea to send it and you've decided not to.

Hopefully, you will be able to go on and be a supportive friend to this person.

But I think you just needed to get all that off your chest.

ruddynorah's got the best idea - get the cake (and the wine!!) and pop over and see her. Give her a hug and tell her you've missed her.

Just let bygones be bygones.

So, your friend is going through the living hell that is infertility, the immense physical, mental and emotional stress of IVF (a recent study claimed that up to a 3rd of people undergoing IVF (women and men) contemplate suicide) and the incalculable heartbreak of it failing and YOU think this is a good time to whine about her not seeming as keen on meeting up as you have been?!

Instead of commenting on her perceived failures as a friend, why not have a look at how good a pal you are? You say defensive things about your DC and the majority of the message is about her being rubbish about arrangements! Do you have even the slightest inkling of how devastating and all-consuming her pain and stress must be, not just now, but for a long time? I've just got pg naturally after a long time of trying (told we had Unexplained Infertility - ha!) and the last few months, I was slipping into a serious depression and I hadn't even been told I couldn't have kids or was having fertility treatments. Often, it took all the strength I had just to go out and post a letter, never mind meet up lots with friends.

And please, please, NEVER bring up the thing about her feeling like your DC are 'rammed down her throat'. Most women having a difficult time TTC do feel like that in their darkest moments but feel really ashamed about it and would be horrified to think that people pick up on it.

Your friend is going and has been going through an absolute nightmare, by the sound of it. Why not just cut her a break? I appreciate that you feel hurt, but it sounds like she has v valid reasons for being a bit rubbish and making any reference to that will just add to her anguish at this time. That's not what a good friend does.

It's sometimes a good idea to read a thread before posting.

You did the right thing stopping and asking advice! Well done for taking it on the nose (God! Some people sound harsh on here! lol), and good luck sorting it out with your friend.

Glad you have got some good advise from others and are doing the right thing OP!

All the best to you and hope things turn round for your mate. Infertility is truly devastating, but others have told you that already.

Friendships ebb and flow sometimes and I've always thought it best not to sweat the small stuff too much re who makes the arrangements etc.

My 'friend' recently sent me an email pointing out my 'failings' as a friend. She mentioned; not wanting to meet up over the past year, being friendly (er) with another friend (who's support was unfailing), not encouraging her ds's relationship with dd. Plus more.

This was a year after I had a termination & suffered anxiety at getting pregnant again (so much so that I wouldn't be intimate with dh for 7mths) & struggled with dh to keep our marriage from diving. While dh & I were fighting, I suffered depression. Most of that time, she wasn't around for me, just the odd phone call in which she always asked me to collect one of her 3 children. ..she really kicked me in the guts, mainly because she failed to see that I had indeed made efforts for all of us to get together. But also because she couldn't allow for my circumstances & I felt her need was more important than mine.

I am sorry to say that it killed our relationship. That she couldn't support me, but wanted to put demands on me to be at her beck & call made me feel suffocated.

Send her a card, tell her how sorry you are that she finds herself where she is. Offer your support. Don't make your issues more important than hers.

Haven't read the rest of the thread but I would just be there for her. Put your own feelings to the side for now, just send her something lovely in the post and then see how things progress. If/when you meet up again, then there may be the right opportunity to talk about why you drifted apart.

I think she is completely pre-occupied by what has been happening in her life and has not given a second thought to who contacted who, who did what, etc and I don't see that is the important point here.

It is - do you want to see her and support her, is she valuable to you and do you want to be her friend? The rest will be worked out in time. I don't mean to dismiss your own feelings but she is now reaching out to you after a hard time, so I think she is making it clear that she wants to work on your friendship and needs some simple reciprocation, not a blow by blow account of your friendship history.

Hope it works out