to expect my dh to do more around the house?

[ovumahead]

OK, so my husband is by no means lazy. Not at all. He works 5 days a week running his own business. I officially work 4 days a week, but usually it's also 5. However, I do the majority of the housework - e.g. 90% of the shopping, all of the laundry, all of the cleaning and tidying (although we've now just got a cleaner for 2 hours a week which has taken a huge burden from me), and all the little things that he 'doesn't see' (I believe him!). I also sort out all the bills, maintenance of the flat, car, childcare arrangements/payments, make all the decisions for our son, sort out holidays, parties, birthday presents and cards for everyone etc etc.

However, I'm in the final year of my doctorate, I've got mountains of work to do. I'm starting to feel a bit annoyed about how much I feel I'm doing in comparison to him. It feels petty to compare what we do, and normally I wouldn't - if I've been working less, then I do more around the house simply because I can. I do try to be fair about it all, but I'm just noticing some resentment building up in me and I just don't know what to do about it.

So far, I've tried talking to him, we've had a couple of arguments about it, but nothing ever really changes. He seems to need concrete instructions about what to do and when, otherwise he just doesn't notice or think about these things. I know that might sound patronising, but that's how he explained it to me! So, with that in mind, I suggested he do the shopping on line once every two weeks. This has never happened.

When we've generally bickered/discussed/argued about all this stuff (which I HATE doing), all he ever says is that he's just too busy and he just doesn't have the time. But we're BOTH bloody busy, it just feels like there's no flexibility with him, and that it's always me doing the bending, flexing and thinking about all these things.

I've also tried just not doing anything for a whole week, but then the house was festering (we have a toddler), and there was a laundry mountain that took a good few days to clear.

I do admit that having a tidy-ish house is important to me, it's by no means immaculate or a show home, but it's a small flat, there are three of us in it, so it kind of has to be tidy-ish otherwise we're tripping over things.

The one and only thing he will reliably do is take the rubbish out.

I'm just not sure what to do now. If I leave things, they will simply not get done (and I honestly have given this a good go, e.g. this week I wondered if he'd notice he needed to do an online shop because there was no food in the house - no bread, milk, nothing to make our son's lunches or dinners with etc... but no - it just didn't register! So I had to ask him to do the shopping, had to write a list for him, and he still complained about doing it because it took an hour...)

Any suggestions? Advice? AIBU to expect him to do a bit more?

i think it doesn't work if you each try to do whatever needs to be done. ie. expect him to do washing when most of the time you do it.

i think it works better if you agree who is responsible for what. so he does the rubbish - you never worry about it, you don't nag him about it and it's his domain. you don't interfere.

give him other stuff too, like he always loads and empties the dishwasher. you don't interfere with that.

you put the washing into the washing machine and sort it into piles afterwards. he puts it away.

etc.

so that there's no seething resentment when you think he should have seen something that needs doing but didn't do it.

you have your jobs. he has his.

I've tried that. I've asked him to do one load of washing a week, and to empty the dishwasher every morning, but this hasn't happened.

I'm tempted to draw up some kind of rota but feel this would be so patronising!

However, I've started doing weekly meal plans for my own sanity, and he's found this helpful and a couple of times has looked at it and started preparing whatever's on it - miracle!

What would happen if you made him totally responsible for all the laundry? So he puts the wash on, dries it, folds, irons and puts away. If you run out of clothes, do your own and your DC's but not his. Surely he'd run out sooner or later and be forced to sort it out?

I've considered just separating his washing out so he's forced to do at least some laundry so he can be clothes. But that just seems so petty and wrong, as well as encouraging him to behave like a bachelor!

Hmm.

Not sure I have got any pearls of wisdom to be honest - but this would really wind me up. Your set up sounds similar to ours. I work 4/DH 5. He earns more than me (due to my career choices in recent years because of DD - wasn't always so.)We have a mothers help for 2 hours a day 4 mornings a week, and she will do a little bit of cleaning.

HOWEVER - Dh does a lot around the house. Like 40/50% of the housework. It's not a 'man' thing - they can do it!!

Does he want you to give up work? Because effectively he saying that he is 'too busy' for all of this - and so are you....so something has to give. I would be basing my discussions with him around that I think. Perhaps a long heart to heart about unhappy this all makes you, and how disrespectful it is to you to dumpit all on you. Split up the jobs. If after all that it hasn't worked, then some sort of withdrawal of physical help to him - washing/ironing/purchase of anything on shopping list for him.

Yes, her works hard - most of us do. But either you have extra time to do all these things - or he does them instead.

Through trial and error I've found a technique that works - leave a list up of jobs to do.

Asking verbally doesn't seem to work, but for some strange reason the husband and kids like to tick off that they've done a job - on a list.

The list is the way to go--with the name of the person responsible for each job. And make sure he gets his fair share to do.
That way, he will realise just how much stuff needs to be done, he will see how much you have been doing, he will know what he's expected to do, and you won't be stuck with having to ask him to do it.
There's a very enlightening thread on these issues here, btw, and another on housework here.

ovumahead, I know it sounds petty but at the moment he is taking the piss out of you and you have to put a stop to it before you get to breaking point. Make him do his own laundry. If he doesn't he will have nothing to wear, his problem. Once he's got the knack of that, he can throw the DC's in too. May as well do yours too while he's there. Then he is responsible for it all. Otherwise he knows that he can leave it and you will sort it out for him.

This isn't a man that needs lists, he knows damned well what he needs to do. But he knows he can pick and choose the (few) things he likes to do and you will sort out the rest.

Does he need concrete instruction about what to do and when at work? When he's running his own business?

I'm guessing not.

So why does he need the to do some washing or put the vaccuum round?

The politics of housework explains the phenomonon very well:www.feministezine.com/feminist/modern/The-Politics-of-Housework.html

Housework is, for most people, unrewarding scutwork. He doesn't want to do it becuase it is unrewarding scutwork. Him leaving it all to you is disrespectful in the extreme.

You are not a domestic appliance.

I honestly, genuinely thought this was how all relationships work. It is certainly is a mirror image of my home life (although I have 3 DC) and that of most of my friends.

I have, in all honesty, totally given up trying to persuade DH to do more or to 'see' the things that need doing.

Doesn't stop the resentment building up inside me but we no longer argue about it. Shit solution I know.

notquitenormal.

Yes you're right - he probably doesn't want to do it but a list plays to their need to be competetive - job done - they do it. Beats wasting energy trying to persuade and reason.

what nqn said

dh has these tendencies
(especially when off on some crusade or other)

i find going ballistic and telling him i am NOT his skivvy and that his attitude is making me pissed off helps enormously.

i'd go with the list. have been known to email said list to his work and ask him which tasks he would prefer. then i don't have to nag. i hate being turned into a nag.

mrsmindcontrol, you no longer argue about it because your husband has got his own way.

Op - you sound like such a nag.

I am in a similar sitution, except that I also take the rubbish out. I'm completely f**d off with it becasue:-

• I'm fed up of being a domestic serf, and
• it turns me into the only adult in the house.

Nothing constructive to say except perhaps to stick at one child to stop you being completely overwhelmed.

Patsy99, are you serious?

DP works full time and is out of the house for 13 hours a day - and I nag him, because if he just changed a few things in his routine it would genuinely sav me so much time and effort around the house.

Im 30 weeks PG and could do without having to climb the stairs (in a town house) to go and "find" washing or a cold mug of tea... grrr

So, we have a list of jobs, that I want / need him to do

he does the bins, and the animals morning and night (so I can sleep)

but I do all washing, ironing - he then puts it away, if he CBA to put his ironed shirts away and the cat sleeps on them, then tough, he'll have to go to work looking like a furry matt.

Tell him straight and then nag - and use a list, it does work.

Currently on DP's list is -
Hoover carpets upstairs
Wash kitchen floor
wipe out dog crate

so not mch, but 3 jobs that would bloody kill me irght now

We have a list and a cleaing rota on the fridge. Any jobs that need doing around the house (things that need fixing etc etc) go on the list, all cleaning jobs go on the rota. I made the rota for myself to help me keep on top of everything, but DH will go and look at it and do a few jobs at the weekend (result!!). It sounds like an excuse, but i think a lot of the time they just genuinely don't know what needs to be done.......put it in writing and he can see it in black and white.

He doesn't do stuff at home because he thinks it's your job. He does stuff in the office because he knows it's his job. I'm not saying it's right that he thinks it's your job but it's understandable if you've been doing everything. You need to make some of the jobs his jobs then let him do them without getting cheesed off that they're not done the way you want or when you want.

Writing a list is pretty good idea as is agreeing with him that he will be responsible for a particular task from now on. He is clearly happy to cook so how about agreeing that he will cook every Monday and Saturday.

"put it in writing and he can see it in black and white."

Yes - and bullet points!! Mine loves bullet points - must be used to them at work.

Tippy - about the one child thing? Yes, am serious. If OP is feeling resentful now about doing everything it will be much worse with (in effect) 3 people to wait on.

All these men that need lists, what to they do at work? Do their bosses/clients make lists for them? Or does someone tell them what needs to be done and they just do it (maybe making their own lists if they need help remembering or get a weird thrill from ticking things off)?

Patsy99 I seriously, desperately don't want to be a nag. And about such boring stuff. I hate housework as much as he does, but more - I hate talking about it!

I'm going to compile a list and stick it up on the fridge door and see what happens.

Also... what do I do about his standard response to my pleas do do more housework, which is: I'm not going to do more than I already do because a) I don't have time, and b) I don't mind it being a mess/dirty/ having no food etc...

Basically he says that my standards are higher than his and he doesn't want to match them. I get his point, but in all fairness, we're trying to raise a child in small flat in which I'm also trying to complete a doctorate, plus it's usually messy - we're busy and we have a toddler, so it's never going to be perfect, but still... It's like he can't cope with the fact that you tidy something up and it gets messy again. He just thinks we should wallow in it.

Telling you that you are nagging is a really good way to shut you up. No one wants to be a nag. You have to remember that you only need to nag because he's lazy and won't pull his weight.

I think you'll find that he does get to a point where he does care but it'll be a worse state than you would have it in. There will get a point where it's so messy that he can't find things and rather than help him look just say "if only it were a bit tidier in here, things would be so much easier to find." if he complains remind him he said he didn't mind and if he wants it tidier you can sort it out together.

Good luck!