to think that she is being unreasonable?

[sunshineriver]

Bit of a long one, sorry

My mum has recently left a really demanding job where she was treated really badly and is now more or less out of work. She's just found a new part-time job working evenings.

She's agreed to work weekends but can't work this weekend as she had agreed to look after my DS while I attend two Baby/Toddler Shows as I'm setting up a new toy shop and would like to show it off and hopefully get some more business. She was already having DS on Saturday so that I could go to a local show, but also agreed to have him on Sunday as I was asked if I would like to fill a slot at a London Show as someone had cancelled.

I don't drive, and so my best friend had offered to drive us down at 4am to be there in good time to set up at 8.30, and we'd drive up on Monday, staying over night so that my friend wouldn't have to drive to and from London in one day.

On Saturday, is it my cousin's baby girl's first birthday and they are having a party in the afternoon for the children, which my sister had agreed to take DS to for my mum, and later in the day for the adults.

All fine, and I have been busy making plans, when mum tells me earlier that she is going out with her friend on Saturday night and is meeting her at 8.15 and she simply has to go as she says that she's let her friend down the last two times that they have arranged to meet - also, she has spoken to my sister who is now refusing to take DS to the party as she is not on my mum's invitation and says that she has not been invited, and mum does not think that it is very fair that she will now have to take DS to the party and will have to miss out on the adult's party later on.

I have always kept her up to date with my plans and she knew that she would either have to have Charlie over night, or else have me bring him over to her house at 4am (she will not sleep in my house).

I ended up telling her that I'd just have to cancel the events then as if she can't have Charlie, I can't do them (which is true, she is my only over-night babysitter) and when I got home, I did just that.

I know that I really did spit my dummy out and should have let myself cool down before I reacted, but I just get really upset when she plays the "it's not fair" card at me when she's agreed to help me and then moans about it.

So, AIBU?

Hi SugarMouse

It's just hard as I only have my family which is my mum and my sister - my Aunt (who would usually be a backup)'s babysitting time is now taken up with her new Granddaughter and my sister is 18 and works weekends, and goes out. My friend who could babysit is also my friend who drives, and it would be unfair to ask her DH to look after both of our toddlers.

Just very tough. Mum is reliable when it suits her and will happilly tell me what a great time she and DS have when they do spend time together, while moaning bitterly about what an inconvenience it is.

It's a real "hmm" situation and I really don't know what to do about it. Think that I need to give some proper thought to who else I can ask, as after cancelling the London event this weekend, I've now booked a more local one next weekend!

Thanks for your comments, it's good to have another's view on things :)

Sarah x

Hmm can you find and develope some other babysitters for your own piece of mind.
You can't really be held to ransom about this, she is not taking your work seriously.
Do you think she thinks you are asking too much?
Why not get an au pair for a while until the business has established itslef?

Hi Mamas12, thanks for posting.

Charlie's nearly 3, and as I'm working, I'm able to get tax credits to enable him to go to nursery, and so during the week, things work out really well.

It's just weekends - and I've only asked for her to help me for two weekends when I've arranged to go to events which will really help to get the name about for my new shop.

I've had on-going troubles with her for years and really thought that we were sorting things out now that we're both adults and each have a house to keep and pay for. It's just that once she has a bad patch in her life, everyone else must suffer for it. I usually keep away when she's like this as her bad mood is quite catching.

It's just such a bind when trying to afford to launch a new business on a shoestring to have to fork out for yet more childcare costs.

I am going to have to speak to some other friends and family and see if they can help me to find a solution. It's days like today that I wish I didn't live only a few doors away from my mum, and right when we were getting to be good friends again too.

Thanks again for your reply,
Sarah x

How bloody infuriating. At least you now know finally that you can't rely on her and just think of her as a 'bonus' sitter if you like.

Don't ask her anymore and wait for her to ask and when she does take her up on it.

Can you bargain with your friends with some of your products?

Infuriating - that sums it up very well indeed!

It's very difficult with friends as I don't like the idea of giving my child who's going through terrible twos to a mum who's got one of her own to look after already for an entire day.

I also can't afford to pay unregistered child minder fees of £6/hour.

I can see that I'm going to have to give this some very serious thought and get in touch with some girls that I know that work in childcare and see if they can help me out.

Parents are so difficult sometimes, its so hard to do the best thing. Its times like these that I realise just how angry she makes me...

Just to say that I've found someone to have DS for the other events that I'm doing and so no longer have to rely on my mum. Such a relief!

Thanks again you two for your comments, hopefully delegating this task back off her, and not having to rely on her, this sort of thing won't come up again in the future.

Sarah x

Good news. It is sad but good when you know who to rely on isn't it.

I get a strong sense of entitlement from this op . Feels like everyone except you has to bend over backwards. Sorry but just cancel going to the event!

Not at all Hairytriangle.

If someone says that they can look after my child over night and then say 3 days before that they can't - surely I am allowed to feel that I should have been able to go without being made to feel like the bad guy.

It's not although I asked her to babysit so that I could go out and get pissed. It was to have a stall at a baby and toddler show in London, which would have been an amazing opportunity for my new business, and I have every right to be annoyed about having to cancel.

i don't see a sense of entitlement at all!!

OP your mum said she would have your ds and then gave you 3 days notice that she wouldn't. i think she was being a bit UR. she had already arranged to babysit so i think she could have told her friend that she had something arranged and couldn't meet.

YANBU. Your mum agreed to it all, you made plans, then she complains she won't be able to go out that night after already agreeing with you she was having your DS overnight.

Good that you sorted out alternative arrangements. I wouldn't even bother asking your mum in future. I'm sure she will be asking why you don't soon and you should tell her.

There is no sense of entitlement at all. Your mum is rude to agree then change and moan at the last minute. I don't get the bit about your sister suddenly not taking your DS to this party either. Sounds like they all agreed to help out then decided that they couldn't be bothered after all.

well, sunshine I do think three days is at least some notice, and that this trip wasn't essential?

It sounds pretty important to me, if the OP is trying to start a new business? Surely the last minute night out is less important/more able to happen another time?

but why is for any of us, or the OP to decide that the moher's night out is more or less imporant? She changed her plans, decided she'd rather go out than babysit and gave three days' notice, I think that's reasonable.

Could you not take him with you? He can play with the toys you hope to sell. I mean in future, I see you have sorted out a babysitter.

Hairytriangle Surely, when you agree to babysit for someone, you don't then make plans to go out with your friend on the same night? It's not about being more or less important, it's about making plans and then saying that you can't do it afterall. You may not think that the trip was essential, but when you're a single parent trying to start a business, that when you've paid £200 for a stall in London, I'd like to see you in the same oppion.

Pinkbasket Charlie's nearly 3, and the fairs are all day events, plus setting up and taking down times - not to mention how noisy/hot/boring - I can't take him with me, and am so pleased that I've found someone to mind him in the future. Definitely not asking mum again for a LONG time!

Hairytriangle - just read your profile, and see that you're TTC your first child. Sorry, I now realise that you have NO IDEA how important having good childcare and how much of a mess you are in when they let you down even with 3 days notice when you have no backup option.

Well, it sounds as if your sister isn´t that helpful either tbh.

Although I do find it odd that your mum was going to take time off from a new job to look after your son tbh.

I think if it was any reason other than going out with a friend then people might perhaps be saying that three days was enough notice to find someone else.

She was due to start in October, but they have managed to find her some hours. She told them that she can work any weekend apart from this one so that she can look after DS for me.

It's difficult as she's the only person that I had that could have him all day and over night as she's also a single mum and my sister is only 18.

My mum and sister are falling out at the moment, and so she said that she couldn't take Charlie more to spite my mum than me, though agree that they're both as unhelpful as each other.

Just pleased that I've managed to find someone to have him for the next two events!

Op, yanbu imo.

You will get all the 'massive sense of entitlement' shit but just ignore.

I wouldn't rely on your mother anymore as leaving someone up shit creek 3 days prior to a major work thing is just not on.

"Hairytriangle - just read your profile, and see that you're TTC your first child. Sorry, I now realise that you have NO IDEA how important having good childcare and how much of a mess you are in when they let you down even with 3 days notice when you have no backup option."

Oh FFS.

yes I do, I have a step-child for whom I had some care responsibility during her childhood. And I was main carer for my ex, who had a serious disability. So yes, I know what it's like to be let down in this way, as it has happened to me.

But you just live with it as there is no option. Thre were several occasions where I had to leave work due to serious childcare/adult care responsibilities.

But thanks for the patronising 'how could you know' comment . Your posts shows exactly what kind of insensitive person you are.

Look, you asked if you were being unreasonable, I have said I thought you were.

If you can't handle opinions other than ones that agree wit you, then don't post on public notice boards.

I totally understand that you are disappointed and upset about the situation, but like sucks sometimes and people let us down, we have to suck it up and get on with it!

correction - you asked if she was BU.

Well said hairytriangle - I echo your thoughts.