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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want this child round again

32 replies

Pushmeinthepool · 15/09/2010 07:53

I have 2 girls aged 11 and 5. We've lived in our house for 3 years, and there is a girl next door who is aged 8. She often calls round to play with either of the girls, or both girls, depending on whether both my girls are at home and what else they're doing.

She was always nice and no trouble until about a year ago when for no reason she told her mum that I'd told her she wasn't allowed round again. Cue her very fiery mum on the doorstep ranting, raving and effing at us. It took a long time to smooth things over; I really don't think it's ideal to have a feud with the neighbours.

Anyway, she has been okay for a while but in the past month or two, she has started being really horrible to my 11 year old, and what's worse is she's been getting my 5 year old to gang up with her too against my 11 year old. My 11 year old doesn't get overly upset and just leaves them to it, and obviously because of what happened before with the mum going beserk I daren't say too much in case it all explodes again. I tell my 5 year old in front of the girl not to be horrible and tell her off for what she's said.

Anyway, last night both girls had a friend round. My 5 year old and her friend were playing and the girl from next door just came round, walked in and went upstairs to play with my 11 year old and her friend. I thought I'd leave them and see how they got on, but after 10 minutes DD1 came downstairs upset and said the girl from next door was whispering to her friend about her, and saying to DD1 that she was weird and evil, and also getting stuff out in her room and throwing it and saying she was going to break it all. DD1 and her friend that was round have been friends for ages and are good friends, and the girl from next door was trying to poison her friend against her.

I immediately said she had to go home as I was about to take her other friend home shortly, and I think the girl from next door got my point and knew exactly why she was being asked to go.

So, from now on each time she calls I'm going to make an excuse as to why she can't come in. I spoke to a friend last night who said that it is really bad that she is trying to make 2 sisters fight, and I agree. I just don't want the hassle of falling out with next door again as they really do take things to extremes. I know kids are kids and I would be happy for anyone to tell my child their behaviour wasn't acceptable if they were behaving like this girl has done.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 15/09/2010 08:03

It doesn't sound as if your DDs want her round! If the mother complains just distance yourself from it-say vaguely that you let your DDs choose their own friends and one finds her too young and the other too old and change the subject.

Mowiol · 15/09/2010 08:04

Sounds like this girls behaviour has a lot to do with her "charming" mother.
Who on earth rants and raves because their child comes home and says they are not allowed round anymore?
Most mums would either a)Say nothing and tell the child to accept it. Or
b)Ask the other parent politely what had happened.

I think maybe you just don't let her back and if the mum storms round you just say something calmly like "Well they don't seem to play well together"

That way you are not directly blaming her child but you've made your point and you can stick to it?

DetectivePotato · 15/09/2010 09:49

I wouldn't let a child like this in my house. Luckily she isn't the same age as either of your DDs so you have the perfect excuse as to why they don't want to play with her.

borderslass · 15/09/2010 09:51

I wouldn't want a child like that in my house but I'd also wonder why she doesn't have friends her own age.

GypsyMoth · 15/09/2010 09:55

she just 'walked in'?? why? is that normal for you?

Mowiol · 15/09/2010 09:56

"I wouldn't want a child like that in my house but I'd also wonder why she doesn't have friends her own age."

Chances are she's alienated all of them already.

I meant to add another option to a) and b) above:

c) Try to establish exactly why/ what had happened (if I was the disruptive child's mother)

GeekOfTheWeek · 15/09/2010 09:58

I wouldn't have her round either.

Not fair on your eldest dd and she is your priority.

minxofmancunia · 15/09/2010 10:01

DD is only 4 and recently some of the kids who "play out" have started calling for her (mainly to get access to our garden as it's the biggest on the avenue and has lots of play equipment in it). I just say no she's too young. I also can't stand other kids in the house unless it's an organised playdate with one of her nursery friends.

I've had surly stares and whispers because of it but I don't care. there's one boy in particular who's a PITA, always out on the bloody street harrassing other kids to go out with him. have no idea who he belongs to unsurprisingly .

Just tell her she can't come round anymore and refuse to engage in arguments and discussions with her mother about it. Just calmly state your case. Getting involved in an argument is pointless.

TheCrackFox · 15/09/2010 10:03

If your DD doesn't like her do not let this girl in. Your DD should be able to regard her home as her sanctuary and shouldn't be bullied in her own bedroom. Moreoever, your neighbour's DD's behaviour will never improve if she doesn't learn that there are consequences for her actions i.e. if she is mean she doesn't get to come round.

tallwivglasses · 15/09/2010 10:08

I remember a girl on my street who used to make my life a misery by getting the other kids to gang up on me. She just did it for her own amusement. I wonder if she grew up to be your neighbour!

Mowiol and Piscesmoon gave good advice. Don't be intimidated by this mother! Has she ever invited YOUR dds to play at her house? Somehow I doubt it.

mittz · 15/09/2010 10:16

I am in a similar position with one of DD's friends. She makes DD miserable and when she finds out we have company she rings incessantly. But when she is here there is always trouble between the other girls and DD's friends have said this girl talks about DD . We had a school friend around last week and she rang 6 times through dinner checking if we were still eating. I ignored the last 3 but the answer phone showed it was her.

I have included her in loads of stuff in case it was just jealously but she often makes DD cry. Although only DD's age (7) she seems to try to make DD jealous by trying to get me on her side and she cuddles me whilst looking at DD. I hate thinking so negatively about a child so young but it makes me feel uncomfortable. DD is 'my' priority so I try to be as nicely firm as I can be. Sometimes I say things about 'we don't do that here' so that the girl doesn't feel I am getting just at her but gets my message. across..

Oblomov · 15/09/2010 10:28

Don't tell the girl, directly that she can't come round anymore. thtas what got you into trouble before. just say no when she turns up or make an excuse.
if mum asks then pisces's answer seems brilliant, one too old, one too young.

melikalikimaka · 15/09/2010 10:28

Sit down, draw up a list of why this girl can't come in, keep it on the back of your front door, and reel one of them off each time she comes. And repeat.....

Oblomov · 15/09/2010 10:31

"and the girl from next door just came round, walked in and went upstairs"
err, I'm sorry. you have no doors ? she got in of her own accord ?
no. you let her in. why did you do this? she stands on the doorstep and you say, no sorry, dd1 has here friend round. or such like. CLOSE DOOR.
is not difficult.

GetOrfMoiLand · 15/09/2010 10:32

Agree with others - your dd seems to be bullied in her own home, why should she put up with that. Be a bit more forceful and not let her in.

If it was me I would not have let her in after her ghastly mother ranted and raved. What is wrong with some people.

I would tell the truth tbh - say she has upset your daughter and she doesn't want her to come in any more. Then close the door in her red roaring race (the mother, I mean).

GetOrfMoiLand · 15/09/2010 10:33

And keep your doors locked so the child cannot just walk in.

Oblomov · 15/09/2010 10:34

mittz, a 7 year old rang 6 times. my nearly 7 year old ds1 has never made a phone call, in his life.
come on now. grow a spine and just stop this. ignore. and be polite but firm.

why are you all letting these girls, and their partly responsible parents give you the run around ?

pilates · 15/09/2010 10:40

"the girl from next door just came round, walked in and went upstairs to play with my 11 year old and her friend"

Why are you allowing this?

You can't let this continue for your poor daughter's sake.

Original poster

Pushmeinthepool · 15/09/2010 11:20

The door was unlocked and she walked in and upstairs; I was in the kitchen giving the baby his tea, so didn't realise until I actually went upstairs to bath him that she was up there.

No, we definitely don't allow her to just walk in normally, in fact the front door is normally locked, but my DH had just got in and had left it unlocked for some reason.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 15/09/2010 11:23

keep the door locked and every time she knocks have a good reason why she can't come in

borderslass · 15/09/2010 11:26

lock the door and hide.

pagwatch · 15/09/2010 11:27

lol at hide

TheCrackFox · 15/09/2010 11:32

Make sure you and DH keep the chain on the door. FWIW walking into someones house, without knocking, is incredibly rude. Cheeky mare.

zipzap · 15/09/2010 12:10

You don't need to tell her that she can't come around to play ever again and set her mother off - you could try telling her if she tries to come and play that today isn't convenient. No need to give a reason as she'll then try to find a way to overcome the reason.

You could also try softening it with 'but when one of the girls wants to play with you I'll send them round to come and see if it is convenient for you to play'.

But it's reasonable if your dds have friends over that they want to play with them and not the wrong-aged girl from next door. So if she does perchance happen on an open door, it's also fine to say GFND, you're not invited today as we have other guests, sorry but you'll have to go home.

If you tell her on a day by day basis rather than a 'never again' basis, her mum can't complain because surely she must realise that you can't expect to turn up at somebody's house and be able to play any day you want, regardless of what the others are doing.

Of course the fact that you yourself know you are always going to have the same answer to when she does come around is besides the point

Also sounds like the mum tells the girl to come and play as it gets her from out of her mum's hair for a while so she was hacked off that her free babysitting service had disappeared

thesunshinesbrightly · 15/09/2010 12:27

Tell her to 'piss off it's your house' cheeky cow and tell her mum to teach her some manners.

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