not to want in-laws stayng a week after the birth?

[Beingblonde]

I do like my in-laws... in small doses... and this will be the first grandchild for everyone so I understand they want to come over (to England from Ireland) straightaway... but OH's mum drives me CRAZY at the best of times and I can't think of anything worse than trying to deal with my first baby with her in my house 24/7. The last time they came over, in July, they stayed in an apartment in town and it was so much better than when they've stayed with us in the past - they are really hard work and take looking after - won't just go and get a cup of tea themselves etc. As this worked well then, I kind of assumed they wouldn't stay with us again - but last night I was talking to MIL on the phone and she was getting so excited about coming over, and afterwards I said to OH, 'You don't think they're going to want to stay here do you?!' And he said he thought they would and that he thought it was fair enough, and that he couldn't ask them to stay elsewhere. AIBU to think that his new baby and I should be his first priority, not his sodding parents? How normal is it to have people staying in your house a week after the birth of your first baby?

How soon after the birth do they intend to be there? If it's within a few days then it may be a bit much for you. You don't know how the birth is going to go - it may be textbook and you are up and walking, or it may be a C-section and you need time to recover. It's lovely that they are so excited and want to see the baby but there is no way you are going to be able to host them. If they are just going to get in the way then you need to politely suggest that you need a bit of space to bond or establish breastfeeding. Good luck with everything!

we had our first dc in germany, so everyone came to stay tbh. it's not like they could pop in and say hi

with living so far away we're used to people pitching up for weeks (we live in canada now) so it wouldn't cross my mind to object really. they're probably enormously excited about the grandchild

it's up to you with the first one i think, but with subsequents i'm all for 'all hands on deck' to deal with toddlers/ babies etc whilst i rest. it was even more important with dc3, who spent 5 weeks in scbu. mil came and stayed again when she was discharged for a few weeks, and was a lifesaver. in fact, my dsis came to stay the day she was discharged for three days, and was fine - it was her random husband that was a bit weird, but tbh i was so knackered i didn't give a monkeys as long as someone held the baby whilst i had a shower and produced some food and drink periodically.

there's a lot of personal preference really.

My MIL wanted to come straight away with the first (lives overseas) but I asked DH to tell her she couldn't come until 6 week mark. She is very opinionated (and a bit anti BF) and I just really wanted to have that special time getting to know first baby. Have always been glad we did it that way with first (she came to stay with second). By the time we did have visitors I was much more confident looking after baby and we'd got the hang of BF etc... Also after the birth you might be sore and be grateful for a bit of privacy - definitely shouldn't be looking after visitors.

It is such a unique, special time with your first baby. I'd be selfish and do what YOU are most comfortable with. If you explain your reasons and promise they'll be there for the second baby or perhaps first Christmas or whatever it might help soften it.

There's been lots of threads about this lately - perhaps you could do a search.

YANBU.

My inlaws came to stay for 2 weeks a week after DD's birth and I can honestly say I wish they hadn't stayed with us. They live nearly 300 miles away but had the option of staying at SIL's nearby but MIL refused because she "wanted to be as near to her precious new baby as possible". Great.

Between DD's awful colic, the onset of PND and the aftermath of a horrible birth (gave birth to a 9lb stargazing baby with no pain relief and had what seemed liked a million stitches in my fanjo) MIL's "helping" nearly sent me over the edge.

I'm not saying it would be the same for you but if you're really unhappy with the idea of them staying with you, put your foot down now. It's your's and your DH's special time with your baby that's most important, not catering for everyone else who invites themselves over.

YANBU
perhaps offer a couple of options -

1. They can come when baby arrives but stay elsewhere
2. They can come in 6 weeks time but stay elsewhere

I have to say I wrongly assumed my mum knew what she was talking about when I first had ds- 3 hours feeds, baby in own room from first day, don't worry about baby not feeding as he'll eat when he's hungry etc. It stressed us all out. It didn't make for a happy stressfree first few days, until I stopped listening to her and just got on with it my way. So I can't appreciate why you don't want them in your house while you're learning the ropes with a brand new baby. Also my health visitor didn't turn up when she should of thinking I had lots of support around me..!

If your dh can't understand that this is a stressful, tiring, important time for bonding with the baby and for you as a couple, then he needs his eyes opening fast.
The last thing you need is to be worrying about guests, feeding people, keeping your house in order and being hospitable.

I assume he hasn't read up much on the subject and thinks you'll be back on your feet dishing out the cups of tea and cooking family dinners for the ILs as soon as you get home? It often comes as a huge shock to first time parents how much time and how little sleep looking after a newborn involves. It's not for no reasons the midwife and health visitor try and drum it into you that housework is NOT important and should be last on your list after having a baby. You need to make sure he is fully aware of all this. And also point out the bf can take an hour at a time, and that baby needs feeding at least every 3 hours. SO your'll be lucky to get a 2 hour break/sleep in a row. PLus the midwife will be visiting to check up on you and baby, looking at your stitches, advising on cracked nipples and the rest. Does he really think you'll be happy doing all that with IL's in earshot?

Point out he gets 2 weeks paternity leave as the first 2 weeks are now recognised as the most important for bonding and for helping wife/partner after the birth.

Tell him even the thought of this is stressing you out and that isn't good for you or the baby.

And if none of that helps perhaps if you suggest that if they don't stay elsewhere you will that might make him realise...

I wouldn't make any offers for them to stay at all, you just don't know what sort of baby you will get or birth for that matter. If you have a refluxy baby like mine you won't sleep! Your DH needs to make it clear that they can visit for a couple of hours when he is there and this way he can ensure that you are not expected to do anything. Also keep things loose until at least a week after the birth.

Thanks for your replies everyone - you've pretty much confirmed what I thought. If the in-laws aren't easy to have to stay in normal circumstances, they're going to be a nightmare when baby comes and the thing that worries me the most is trying to bond and especially establish breastfeeding. MIL didn't bf her own children so I don't think she's going to be any help, and anyway I don't have the kind of relationship with her where I could ask for advice or even, TBH, do it in front of her a week after the birth!

My husband isn't as useless as he sounds and he knows (as much as any first-time dad does) how important bonding is etc - but he has a weird relationship with his parents and they don't talk properly and honestly about things. That's why he doesn't feel comfortable saying 'We'd prefer it if you stayed elsewhere'.

Oh god it has to be done doesn't it - I'm genuinely worried their arrival will have a massively negative impact on our new little family!

Ha - and by the way, originally they were going to wait 2 weeks after the birth to come over - now that the baby is dues in 2 weeks they've changed it to one week after the birth - at this rate they'll be turning up at the bloody hospital!

I felt like this too, and it was the source of major arguments between me and DH before the birth, even though my MIL couldn't be more hands on (this was part of the problem, actually, as she tends to jump in and do things herself rather than let others figure out what to do. Also she thinks it's helpful to cook but she's not very good at it).

In the end she came at 1 week, and it was OK even though I'd only been out of hospital for 2 days. I coped by staying in bed with my new baby for most of the time they were there, which was the advice of my nct teacher, and was great for bonding. DH worked abroad at the time so in some ways I was grateful they were there when he was as it took the pressure off me to be a hostess.

I would have been happier if I'd had another week just the three of us at home before
they came. But asking your MIL to wait 6 weeks to meet her grandchild is a bit unreasonable, imo.

YANBU but you are going to get a whole load of replies from people telling you how lovely it will be for you to have the help and how you are being selfish not to include them; how you should get them to come and clean your cupboards and make you cups of tea. The reality isn't like that for a lot of people and having my house full of people being 'helpful' is my idea of a nightmare!

Personally I can't think of anything worse than having anyone stay overnight in my house straight after giving birth. I would put my foot down and insist that they get somewhere to stay.

If you are goiung to breastfeed (and if not even) I can completely understand why you would not want anyone staying. Not to mention the fact that you will probably still be bleeding after the birth, be very tired, have no regular sleep pattern and basically will need your own space.

There seem to be two main schools of thought on this issue on mumsnet which are that you are

a. being unreasonable and you WILL need the help and are being mean not to let people come and help you out and bond with their grandchildren.

b. what you say goes and you should set clear boundaries as you need to do what is best for you straight after giving birth.

Seeing as your husband is incapable of telling his own parents that it's not what you want I think you should speak to his mum and say 'I've been looking into some B&Bs nearby and can send you a list so that you can choose where you want to stay when you come over, obviously we're going to have a lot of changes to get used to when the baby arrives and so we don't want any overnight visitors in the first few weeks'.

Ah, go on Duelling, if I give you her phone number will you do it...

"Ha - and by the way, originally they were going to wait 2 weeks after the birth to come over - now that the baby is dues in 2 weeks they've changed it to one week after the birth"

it amazes me that other people think they can dictate what is going to happen! Why are people like this, it's like they have no awareness of other people's needs at all.

I don't think you need to wait 6 weeks before they see the baby but they don't have to be there and in your space 24/7.

tell your DH that you expect him get them out of the house after a certain amount of time. Don't lift a finger and make sure you spend as much time in bed as possible.

Though what I hate about the prospect of my family arriving is the fact that i know I will feel like I have been forced into my bedroom just to get away from them when all I will want is the freedom of my own house without having family sat all over the place.

They are just so excited I guess, and I can tell (well, it's obvious) that they haven't thought about what we might want. I'll have a proper talk to DH tonight - last night I'm ashamed to say I sulked off to bed - and I know he'll see sense. Whether he'll grow a pair and be able to communicate with his mother... we'll see. She's really awful. I can't bear her. She's the most superficial human being on the planet.

Aha - so you need to take some of your own good advice madam! 3 weeks? Bloody hell.

Tell your DH you are planning on BFing, you will do this sat on your sofa if that's the most comfortable place, and when you're first establishing BFing, it's kind of normal to have whole tit out to make sure you can see you're doing it right. Therefore, your ILs will either have to see your boobs, or leave the room - you will not hide away in your own house.

As BFing can take so long and your body will be recovering from what is a major trauma, you will not be cooking, cleaning or making cups of tea. His paternity leave is so to be used doing that. So if his parents need food, tea, clean bedding etc, you don't care if he does it or they do it or if he pays a cleaner, but you won't be. He needs to tell them this in advance.

If the midwife/health visitor comes over, they must leave the living room, even if they just walk round the local roads for a few hours, you will not discuss your fanjo stitches in front of your PILs, and they certainly aren't welcome in the room when they are being inspected.

If your husband thinks it´s OK for them to stay with you then he needs to be there to do the hosting imo.

If not, then they need to be prepared to look after themselves & you-or stay elsewhere.

Do you have enough rooms so that you can bfeed in privacy?

If not, will they bugger off & leave you in peace?

I remember my ILs visiting in hospital & I was bfeeding.

Husband said diddls bfeeding at the moment.
FIL said-it´s OK, we don´t mind-and made to come in FFS!!

The thing with ILs is that they are not your parents, you don't (or I didn't ) feel comfortable bfing, crying, being snappy, not being dressed etc in front of mine and so I refused to have them around. When you haven't slept all night it's nice not to have to wear a smile and be polite.

Do not feel that this is a time for you to do these things, if you think they will be upset (which it sounds like they will) with you not making them feel like welcome guests don't do it.

My FIL asked if the 'babby had had some tit', needless to say I never fed my babies in front of him....

YANBU, BB. If they stayed in an apartment last time, where's the problem with them staying in one again? IMO you really don't need people who stress you out at the best of times staying in your house when you've just had a baby.

Hi Beingblonde,

Put them off politely if you can!

My IL's turned up to stay as a "surprise" when DC was born. It was a nightmare and I've never really forgiven them or DH for allowing it.

My DM wanted to stay with us for the birth but DH said no, his excuse "its too far for her to travel on her own".

Evening before ELCS DH had a go at me for the house being messy.

Meanwhile the MIL, BIL and SIL travelled up - they live twice as far away. It was a shock when they turned up at the hospital. I was a real mess, (catheter bag full of blood, blood on floor, having diffculties with bf etc etc.) and they stayed for all visiting time.

On the Sunday, they organised a lunch party for yet more IL's at our house (who'd never even been there before). By the time everyone got to the hospital pnd had set in and I just sat crying (I'd had no sleep at all since the birth as DC was not feeding properly).

My advice - put them off!

Just ask them if they've got their apartment booked yet, and if they say they're staying with you tell them their must be a misunderstanding because they are not staying in your house after you've given birth.

TBH, I had easy births both times & could have coped with people staying.

But I didn´t want to.

I wanted to sleep in the day given the chance, establish bfeeding.

Not feel as if I had to get up & dressed & be sociable all day.

Sometimes a couple of hours is all you can manage even if things are going well.

And if they stay, what do you all do all day?

haven't had a chance to fully read the thread but YADNBU.
My ds (first baby) is 2 weeks old today and I am so relieved my ILs haven't visited yet (he was 2 weeks late and they'd booked a trip abroad so no time to come and see him).
I think you need to try and make you OH see how hard the first few weeks can be - he probably has much less idea about it than you.
It's really easy to overdo it and make yourself exhausted/ill if there are people around and you're trying to be sociable/host. My family came to visit (but not stay) for a bit which was nice but meant i spent lots of time sitting on the sofa rather than lying in bed which wasn't good for me.
Plus, if you're planning to breastfeed, yes it may go all swimmingly but most people struggle in the first few weeks and having unwelcome visitors seriously could mean the difference between succeeding or not. So not worth it!
Sorry this sounds a bit doom and gloom. Although hard, these 2 weeks have been great too . Enjoy your baby!

I seem unable to stay away from this sort of thread and usually disagree with Duelling on them - honestly, I don't wait for you to post just so i can disagree DF!

I think there is scope for some middle ground here. I'm all for grandparents spending time with their new grandchildren but I think having people to stay is too much. I would suggest they stay nearby and then each day you can say we'll phone you and let you know what sort of night we had and when is a good time to come for a visit. To keep a limit on how long they are there you could always say that the midwife/health visitor will be coming at such o'clock so if you come at x time that means you get an hour/2 hours with the baby before you leave and she arrives.

What I find odd on here when this situation is discussed is the whole blanket ban on any visitors and also the visitors who have no sense when it comes to visiting parents of a newborn. Maybe I have just been lucky that I have lots of family who want to see the baby but know when to leave as well.