not to want in-laws stayng a week after the birth?

[Beingblonde]

I do like my in-laws... in small doses... and this will be the first grandchild for everyone so I understand they want to come over (to England from Ireland) straightaway... but OH's mum drives me CRAZY at the best of times and I can't think of anything worse than trying to deal with my first baby with her in my house 24/7. The last time they came over, in July, they stayed in an apartment in town and it was so much better than when they've stayed with us in the past - they are really hard work and take looking after - won't just go and get a cup of tea themselves etc. As this worked well then, I kind of assumed they wouldn't stay with us again - but last night I was talking to MIL on the phone and she was getting so excited about coming over, and afterwards I said to OH, 'You don't think they're going to want to stay here do you?!' And he said he thought they would and that he thought it was fair enough, and that he couldn't ask them to stay elsewhere. AIBU to think that his new baby and I should be his first priority, not his sodding parents? How normal is it to have people staying in your house a week after the birth of your first baby?

It's ok BBMcF I can't stay away either

I do think you are right that having in-laws/family call and check it's ok is a good thing.

YANBU. Would have been my worst nightmare, but I do understand that they can't just "pop" in. Personally, I'd want to wait at least 2 weeks after the birth before they came. Make the timing your compromise - don't let them come too early.

I know someone who gave birth 2 days before Xmas and her husband thought it was perfectly acceptable to invite both sets of parents and siblings and kids to theirs for Xmas day. He didn't seem to get the point that "everyone" helped" so that was OK, but has a complete lack of understanding about how the hormones and female body will be feeling 2 days after giving birth. Needless to say it was mentioned in their divorce!

I am hoping that my 11th Dec baby comes later, meaning if I give birth close to Christmas day I have the perfect excuse not to travel to have Christmas with my in-laws. I am feeling more and more put out by the fact that I won't be spending Christmas day with my mum who lives a couple of miles away :(

Only read OP. OP - point out to your DH that depending on how you give birth to the baby, you may or may not be in action and he may need to look after (hand and foot) you, the baby AND his parents (feeding, cooking, cleaning etc) while they're there - you will not be in a fit state to do this. Also point out that the baby will most likely be crying lots and you dont want to feel stressed about your inlaws being disturbed by this - you and your DH need to have time and space to get used to your baby and vice versa and figure out how best to comfort him. Is also worth pointing out to him that due to all the hormones and lack of sleep that come after birth, postpartum mums are abit irrational at times and on a v short fuse (DH certainly suffered from this with me for around 4 weeks after the birth of both our boys) so there is a real risk that a family rift may be started if they're staying 24/7 with you guys and something they say or do - or DH says or does - sparks off the timebomb that is postpartum mum. So all in all, much better if they stay in an apartment as before and come and visit each day at pre-agreed times when DH can look after them if you're out of action.

Just remember you are going to be bfing so have the perfect excuse for you and your baby to sod off on your own to your bedroom whenever they annoy you for most of the day

Stick your ground, very firmly. The baby and you are the most important things, you really don't need any more stress.

"a complete lack of understanding about how the hormones and female body will be feeling 2 days after giving birth"

This is so important. I had an elective section, so no long labour to exhaust me first, and only a neat surgical wound to heal. I still found having visitors staying completely invasive - I was in pain, bleeding, struggling to move around, struggling to get feeding established but found sitting on the sofa more physically comfortable than sitting in bed to do so, so was forced to spend my days very exposed and vulnerable with people sitting round grinning at me. All meant with the very kindest intentions (and a big dose of burning desire to get hold of the baby!) but it was not what I wanted or needed. Despite the great help I got - being fed cooked meals, going out for supplies etc - I found it emotionally stressful to have visitors staying despite them being great houseguests. It's just such a private time, and having to be on good behaviour when you're a crying, hormonal, wobbly wreck is just not what you need.

And did DP understand this? Of course not, he just wanted his mum around.

She's staying here at the moment (I'm 38+4) but DP and I have agreed that she's going to stay with my mum when the baby comes. I feel awful, like I'm chucking her out, and I know he's unhappy with it, but I just can't compromise on this one. Her visits each day will be very welcome. :)

I stayed a long way from home when my kids were born and frankly I couldn't have coped without my in-laws. Particularly with my first. However they did a lot to help me - washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc... Also ex-doctor and ex-nurse and very pro-breastfeeding which encouraged me to persevere. Was really down for a few days when they left!

Well I did have a chat with DH last night and used many of your wise words to back me up! He does understand my (our) various points but he's worried that as his parents live so far away and mine don't, his parents will be 'sidelined, especially since you don't like them'. Er, oops. However, we've decided a compromise - either they come as soon as they like after the birth and stay elsewhere, or they give us at least 4 weeks and come and stay here. They won't be able to stay away that long though so I reckon it'll be the apartment.

Ah, I don't know. Families are a nightmare. Except the perfect new one I'm creating, of course!!

That sounds a good compromise. It does sound as though husband really hasn't grasped the fact that having birth is a major physical and emotional drain for a woman though and not wanting "visitors" isn't just you being awkward and that friends etc would also be a drain. Your own mum is often different because she (if a good mum) has comforted you through illnesses etc as a child and you don't mind her seeing you look a mess.
This isn't about access to the baby, it's about you not wanting to entertain or have visitors when tired and stressed.

YANBU

having had DC2 just 11 days ago, I am very averse to visitors. you are learning to feed, healing, and dealing with LOOONG nights

I only want visits of 2 hours MAX

politely say you LOVE to see them but would rather wait until 3-4 weeks and you have found your feet, smile, be sweet but hold your ground xx

then call daily, email photos, make it clear you want them in babys life but you must have some time to find your feet

After having DD we struggled to establish breast feeding and I ended up just wearing PJ bottoms and an old t-shirt with breast pads stuck on the inside (no bra as it was too painful). I definitely didn't want house guests staying.

I would put my foot down that they stay elsewhere and that your DH is also at home to entertain them when they visit. I'd also have a code word between you that indicates you've had enough and DH needs to get them to leave or he heads out for a walk with them leaving you in peace. Get a list of jobs pinned up on the fridge and be sure to ask them... "FIL, hope you don't mine but could you mow the lawn etc today". Also send them off to do food shopping for you. Don't cook, just ask PIL or DH what's for dinner

If you can move a TV into your bedroom then that's good so you can hole yourself up in there if needed. Get lots of magazines and don't be afraid to speak up, you can't have those early weeks again.

Good luck

I wanted my mother to come and stay with me, she arried a week after my c section (I did insist on that space)and did loads of cooking and cleaning and allsorts.

It was still a tremendous strain though, as:

1. I felt like we had to be on our best behaiour, no swearing, rock music, flirting or rude jokes (this actually really affected my relationship with DP quite badly). I didn't feel right staying in bed all day, so I was up and dressed a lot more than I wanted to be. 2)Her "helpful" comments about my mothering made me feel I couldn't follow my instincts and do things my way. She kept telling me to "put him in his cot for a while so he gets used to it" when I was happy with him sleeping in my arms during the day, she seemed to think that sitting cuddling him was tiring me out! Or "a bottle or 2 a day won't do him any harm" when I was trying to establish BF. Apparently cluster-feeding is some new fangled thing she neer heard of, and her comments made me feel uncomfortable about feeding my baby on demand.

It was nice that she got to spend time with him and all, but it was such a strain, and looking back waiting a couple more weeks would work better.

(aorry for the typos guess which key just broke on my keyboard)

Porcelain that's the sort of comments I got from my mum too. She didn't bf either so had no idea on that and kept saying I should wait 3 hours in between etc when I wanted to feed on demand.

And the cot thing too. My mum would have a cuddle with ds in the evening and then take him upstairs and put him in his cot as he had to get used to it! I would take him out and put him in the moses basket in my room and we co slept too while feeding on demand in the night.

Plus feeling you have to make the effort to get up, feeling bad for taking naps in the day, being told I was shouldn't do that and was eating too much having snacks when I had honey on toast between meals (loosing all sense of logic so actually asked the midwife if that was bad to do!?) etc.

It wasn't until I stopped listening to my mum and just did what felt natural or right for me that I got on with enjoying my baby and bonding properly.

If I was doing it again I would only have them around for brief visits

Basically you should ignore all advice from parents and IL's, no matter how well intended! It's been decades since they had their baby and the 'way to do it' has changes significantly since then - baby was shipped off and only brought to your bedside every 3 hours for a bottle so of course it's not the same as now...

i cant stay off these threads either im afraid waves at duelling f its a very popular subject maybe cos more families live apart.I am chilled about my situation now and have a good compromise planned and dh on my side. I suddenly realised that i have avoice and it will be totally heard just this once.I also have the advantage of being a granny mayself so i do understand the feelings involved but am very close to my dil and still stayed away and let her have some space.You have been lucky so far as df says it seems to provoke fairly emotive responses from others but every situation is different ie. different birth experiences or family dynamics so nobody should judge really. Just be reasonable and rememeber they are just excited and want to enjoy the new arrival decide reasonable arrangments and ask youself if they are reasonable and not spitefull or controlling(think people who dont want anyone seeing baby for 6 weeks are asking a tad too much maybe)Good luck,

Sounds like you've reached a good compromise.

Also, you may find you like your ILs more when you see them being lovely with your child.

If you want any more ammo to convince your DH, my stitches were so painful that I needed to spend most of my time naked from the waist down sitting on a towel.

(Such glamarous times).

We turned unexpected visitors away due to this.

yeah i am planning to stay in pjs and fart and feed and am not climbing 2 flights of stairs to my room to see mw.Will watch what i want on tv and go to bed early at night taking baby and dh with me.I also have no intention of even thinking of providing food.The only prob i have ever had with the pils is fils constant hints for food and the fact they eat really well here cos im good cook but never even offer a pint of milk.If they want food they can get take aways or go to the shop. Its by taking back control that i was able to reach a good compromise and will be able to have them visit without it spoiling things for us all and with no harbouring resentment.

I had ils to stay when I had dd1 it was a nightmare. I thought she would be helpful. She wasn't. Dh went back to work so as not to waste holiday and he still had to cook when he got home. She didn't hover or wake me up when she needed feeding she just said she is fine as she giggled my crying very hungry baby around while I had a wee got a drink and then tried to breast feed a very hungry baby. She had never bf and just kept saying just give her a bottle and she will be fine.