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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

expecting to be treated with a little respect?

45 replies

HappySlapper · 14/09/2010 12:44

Bit of background - I separated from exh in May this year - there was no one reason for it, just had come to the end of the road, imo. He asked for a trial separation, and I agreed, but told him that I didn't think a 'trial' worked - we should separate for good. A couple of days later, he asked to try again, and I refused. So we have been apart ever since.

He sees lots of ds - a couple of overnights a week and almost every day either before or after school. I also have a dd from a previous relationship, that he has not spoken a word to since the day he left

The problem is this - he talks to me like crap - looks at me like I'm something on the bottom of this shoe - generally as if I'm being punished..... for what? I really wanted to stay friends for the sake of ds, but it's becoming increasingly difficult not to rise to this - I am never anything but reasonable and cordial towards him, and I don't deserve this treatment. Plus it makes me really fucking angry

Do I confront it, and let my calm exterior sink into screaming fishwife mode? Or just carry on with the ignore, ignore, ignore thing that I have been doing...?

WWYD?

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 14/09/2010 13:04

Personally, if I knew it wouldn't make him blow up, I'd say something like "You know, your shit attitude and you in general really don't have an effect on me any more, so you might want to ask yourself what the point is?" and the carry on ignoring it.

But if saying something might make him worse, then I'd go with the ignore option. Completely blank him out unless you need to discuss DS.

ChippingIn · 14/09/2010 13:06

Just tell him what you have written here.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 13:12

tell him what you have written here

and then follow it up with what SWBL said

you don't have to tolerate this

Original poster

HappySlapper · 14/09/2010 13:27

A few weeks ago, it all overwhelmed me, he said something that left me shaking with rage, so I called him and kind of said the same as my OP. He agreed he was being a cock and said things would be different. But they haven't been. He texts me a lot asking me to get him things from the house, asking if there's post, stupid crap.

I went out overnight a couple of weeks ago, and he's been a lot worse since then. Presumably it's about the control - but I won't put up with it for much longer - you would think he would know this

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 13:32

ah, jealousy and control

the penny drops

tell him to fuck off with his nastiness and his judgement

he isn't in a position to voice any comments about you now

Original poster

HappySlapper · 14/09/2010 13:43

Do you know, I think I just might. I can still retain the moral high ground after holding back after all this time, right?

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 14/09/2010 13:44

God he sounds vile. Tell him to come one night and collect everything that is his from your house, tell him to sort out his mailing address, tell him to not contact you unless it is about DS, and tell him he can not and will not punish you any longer for not putting up with his shit.

You have to stop letting him have a hold over you. I'd also be tempted to tell him that if he wants to see DS so often, he can take him to his house or out - you don't want to spend any time around him. It wouldn't surprise me if he only wanted to see DS that often just to keep tabs on you.

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 13:45

And please know you made the right decision in splitting. The way he is treating his step daughter speaks volumes.

Tosser.

Original poster

HappySlapper · 14/09/2010 14:07

Thanks ladies.

SheWillBeLoved he does take ds to his flat or to his mums, won't have him here. One day he had to come in and wait while ds finished his sandwich, and it was vile

perfumedlife - you are so right. I knew I'd made the right decision the minute I'd made it - if there had ever been any chance for us, he fucked it by his treatment of dd.

OP posts:

holyShmoley · 14/09/2010 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 14:37

holy, get real

OP...do what SWBL said (and what I said too)

Original poster

HappySlapper · 14/09/2010 14:43

holy - he wasn't dumped, he asked for us to split up.

I wouldn't dream of giving him ammunition - although I'm confused as to what ammunition I could give him that would make him say those things?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 14:46

there is no ammunition excuse for this kind of verbal abuse

you should not tolerate it for when any reason

poor ikkle dumped man...or not

Pheebe · 14/09/2010 14:56

Actually I agree with holy to some extent - he was dumped, well rejected, as when he asked to come back you said no so from tht point of view he is angry and trying to punish you.

That said, the others are quite right, he's behaving like a complete knob and you don't have to put up with it. Draw a line and stick to it. If he can't be civil towards you then contact arrangements have to change (not less contact just different arrangements). Stop the texts, remove ALL his stuff from the house and tell him you will forward any mail for 6 months after which you will return to sender. I would give him one more change to change is behaviour once you've laid that on him and if he continues with his petty games kick him into touch.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 14:58

I agree with you pheebe

or at least I would do if he hadn't already been given a second chance...

Original poster

HappySlapper · 14/09/2010 15:03

Yep, pheebe, you're right. In fairness, I had warned him a lot over the last couple of years as to how unhappy I was. I tried lots of things to get us back on track, but the effort wasn't reciprocated - so it can't have been that much of a shock to him. Therefore I see no value in trying to make me feel like crap. KWIM?

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 14/09/2010 15:06

is his total rejection of his stepdaughter covered under this "poor dumped man" umbrella too?

Bollocks. He's a cunt.

Simbaline · 14/09/2010 15:06

Hmm.. he does sound like a wanker but just to be a little bit controversial! He's never going to be completely out of your life because of your ds and that could be a long time so maybe it's worth putting in a lot of effort now (not that he sounds like he deserves it!)to save yourself trouble later on. My partner and I split a few years ago and although there were times it was a nightmare having to negotiate a whole new relationship it has paid off now in that we have an amicable relationship that I hope really helps our dd.

I'm certainly not saying you should put up with his behaviour but maybe make time to talk about some ground rules and give each other some time to adjust?

Whatever you do I hope it gets better!

Pheebe · 14/09/2010 15:09

Absolutely Happy and while I know he's been given a second chance I would be tempted to give it one last go for the sake of your ds in the context of very specific conesquences if he doesnt toe the line.

He's clearly a knob but give him credit for making the effort to see so much of his ds. This way you'll know if thats all about keeping contact with you or if he's really stepping up as a dad and trying to make it work for your ds's sake

GoInky · 14/09/2010 15:20

Phew, not an easy situation.
My sisters experience was to set very, very clear rules from the start, so as to avoid situations in which you might start shouting. You can always slacken later on. So you decide how often you are in touch and how. (she opted for a weekly e-mail and refused to respond to phonecalls, other e-mails or verbal questions). She would just say 'read my e-mail'. Same with how often he would see his child, always the same days, never change, never be flexible, as it will become a reason to fight. This might sound unfriendly and nasty, but it was very much for self-protection, and when you have clear, agreed rules and 100% consistency, you take away all opportunities for him to treat you like that.

Good luck. Such a hard situation to be in. Inge

Original poster

HappySlapper · 14/09/2010 15:20

In all honesty, I have no doubt that him seeing ds is purely out of love for his son, no ulterior motive.

But yes Greensleeves, his rejection of dd hasn't helped me along the 'amicable' path

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 14/09/2010 16:21

HS - how old are the children? How well did he and DD get on before he left? How old was she when he arrived on the scene? Does she want to see him now?

Original poster

HappySlapper · 14/09/2010 16:30

Chipping dd is 12, he has been her stepdad since we got married in 2004, but she knew him a year before that.. she was 6. They got on great until ds was born - and ever since then he's resented her, I think.

She's not interested in seeing him, no. I'm fairly certain she thinks he's a dick.

OP posts:

holyShmoley · 14/09/2010 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cupcakesandbunting · 14/09/2010 16:45

Eugh. He sounds like my stepdad who was my stepdad for twelve years before he buggered off without a backwards glance. He's a dick too.

I agree with the posters who say only speak to him wrt DS. He's pathetically groping for any opportunity to speak to you which normally would make me feel a tiny bit sad for him but treatment of DD cancels that out.

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