To think you can't be friends with vastly different parenting styles?

[gomummy]

Posting this here as I am really interested in the wide range of strong opinions usually brought on by AIBU...

So I've always thought that I was one to respect that everyone has their own parenting style, and short of anything abusive, etc., it's up to parents how they choose to raise their own children... Have always managed this with no real problems, having spent a good bit of time with others with quite different styles than myself - their child, their choice and all that.

Now I find myself questioning my own logic, largely due to one relationship. A very old friend had a baby a couple of years ago and each time we get together (planning and travel required due to distance, so not that often) I am finding it increasingly difficult, frustrating, not sure of the word really. To say we have vastly different parenting approaches doesn't begin to describe it. Maybe it wasn't quite so evident when her DC was very small, but now it is unmistakable.

Trying really hard not to be judgey here, which is why I am not putting too much detail. Not really about "drives me crazy when she does X", just accepting that we are clearly at the definitive opposite ends of the parenting spectrum.

Have read posts before where posters suggest seeing friend without the DCs present. While that's not an option for me, it made me think --- and truthfully the friendship would not be the same.

I know I am somewhat swayed by the fact that DH finds her approach downright offensive, so can't really talk about this in an open/unbiased manner, iykwim. Hence, my AIBU. So, if you've gotten this far, AIBU to think two people with extremely different parenting styles can't really be friends? Not talking a few differences here - as in wholesale philosophy, behaviour/attitude, etc.

you can't post like that and not tell us what she is doing!

YADNBU, I have really grown apart from a friend over this. When we lived nearer to one another it was possible to see each other without the kids but now traveling and having the whole families interacting is just now tolerable :(

"not" tolerable instead of "now"

It depends really...

I have friends who have very different parenting styles to mine and we get along well provided their children are not hitting my child or breaking stuff all around the house AND that neither of us are judgemental of each other parenting.

However, I have friends I had to stop seeing because although the parenting style was very much like that of those above, they were always making comments on why they thought I was not raising my child "properly"

Incidentally, the more the criticised my child and parental skill, the less sympathetic I felt toward their child or their parental abilities.

Trying to get your opinions on the concept without being judgey of friend is hard to write, sorry!

I have a friend who is RUINING his son, absolutely RUINING him. He is horribly spoilt and does as he pleases. Happily, he has started to crack down a little after his girlfriend dumped him for not stopping his whacking great 4 year old battering her little 2 year old - again, and again, and again.

I think you can.

I'll say about my friend.

We've been friends since DD was born, her eldest was then 6.
She's always been more tolerant than me, so her kids would talk over her, interrupt, wreck my house, but I just made sure we went to her house, and I turned a blind eye.

Now, her eldest is 15, and comes everywhere, my friend won't tell her she's not invited, so I just see her in term time. I don't want a 15yr old, who isn't articulate hanging around me.
Her child, her problem.

She has a three yr old too now, so I make sure we meet up when she's at nursery, as when that child's around, she allows anything, and everything so long as the child is centre of attention.

Fine, but no point in meeting if it's all about a child.

My friend and I do get on, I just don't like her children because of her parenting, so I don't meet her with them.

First off- jabberwocky, I am supposed to say hello to you from Pan. :)

Ok, well. I really think it depends on how differently. One of my good friends has children and we differ on some things, but for the most part we can get along okay. We get a little irritated with each other from time to time, and I admit to silently wearing my judgey pants from time to time , as I'm sure she does.
But my SIL, now...it's all I can do sometimes, I honestly cannot be around her and my niece and nephew for too long. I've posted about her before. She's terrified of everything and making her children the same way. They are scared of dogs, bugs, strangers, doctors, the dark, being alone in a room, long grass (beacause they might see a bug), school (because of all the strangers, aka kids they haven't met yet), and on and on and on. And whenever we're somewhere where we have to eat, she announces to all and sundry that "They are so picky! So picky! I know they're not going to eat a thing!" So of course, they don't. Also she doesn't ever tell them no because she "feels so bad when they cry" and...okay, am ranting. Sorry! :o

But as I said, we're so different in parenting that it's hard to be with them except for family functions and for a few hours at a time, and even then it's rough. If she was just a friend and not a relative, I definitely wouldn't hang out with them. There's only so many times you can hear, "Put your coat on! If you don't you'll get sick and then you'll have to go to the doctor and they'll give you a shot!" directed at a kid who already has to be dragged into the clinic kicking and screaming to get his check ups before you want to...BOAK!

As far as my friend goes though, I've just learned to avoid certain situations with her. For example on long car trips her kiddos get fussy, and she gets frustrated and screams at them. It upsets DS and me, so we just don't do trips with them. Hanging out at one of our houses or the park is fine though.

So, YANBU if it truly upsets you. I sort of need more info though! :o

I have a very good friend who parents in a very different way. She is lovely; kind, supportive and funny. However, she allows her DC to behave in a way that I do not like. My children have rules and know how to behave.

One example: when friend was heavily pregnant, her DS (very badly behaved IMO) was being demanding (8 at the time). She was talking with me and my DD. Her DS had some goal keeping gloves in his hands and used these to slap her in the face! DD and I were shocked. All she did was to say, "Darling, do not do that, it hurt mummy". Her eyes watered with the pain. DD was shocked that he would hurt his mum, and surprised that he did not get a telling off. He has also been round (not any more!!) to my house and started thrashing DD's room. Mum just said, " Darling, do not do that." He did not listen and I went in and told him to leave the room.

I cannot stand her son and so if I see her, it is when the children are not around. She likes my DC (very fond of my DD).

I think it is possible to have a friendship but have to see these friends without their DC around.

CheerfulYank - Hi back to Pan

I think one of the main problems for the OP is that there is travel involved in seeing said friend. So getting together without the dcs would be difficult to impossible.

Let's suppose you mean Continum Concept for one of you and Gina Ford approach for the other. Or two other equally divided outlooks. And not only that, but at least one of you is quite evangelical about their choice.

Then YANBU, I think you're going to find it near impossible to be around each other and each other's kids. Once the kids are much older hopefully you'll find common ground again.

Yes, as Jabberwocky has said, for us it must be with the DCs when we travel to get together. And another poster has actually hit on my DH's issue, we cannot stand her DC's behaviour, but we feel aweful about it as the DC is doing exactly as his mum has taught him - so not his fault at all of course. :(

Cheerful, in terms of more info, the original issue for us is that while we got along great before her DC was born, her parenting style (more prominent now with toddler than it was with infant) is rather offensive to us. So although we dislike the child's behaviour immensely, it is secondary to the fact that the child behaves this way as a direct result of her parenting style. (Her DH is not like that at all).

In an attempt to describe without judging, she communicates with her DC using language and communication styles that would make me irate if someone used them with me. She actively encourages aggression and general destruction as "blowing off steam." I think she'd agree with all of the above as I've written it.

Probably a tertiary issue related to Orangerie's last sentence is that she is very negative about things that we are trying to instill in DS, particularly manners such as please and thank you, saying "excuse me", etc., with the logic that it will make him "meek". Not sure why but it is said with a look of disdain. I guess that does quite bother me as I manage to bite my tongue regarding all of her choices.

So to me, fairly fundamental differences that definitely make getting together stressful.

I just (naievely) never thought that parenting styles would end a life long friendship....always thought that if people respected each other's choices in how to raise their own children then all should work. Now thinking that was rather unrealistic. Our most recent visit had me concerned that my eyeballs would pop out of my head like a cartoon character before it was over....but really didn't know if this was an U way of thinking...or if others have had similar and made it work or went their separate ways...

I also think you'll find her much easier to tolerate if you both have another kid - this will be because you will both realise at that point that all kids are different and parenting only accounts for about 40% of a child's behavior, personality accounting for the rest.

Nearly all toddlers look like poorly parented toddlers, the remaining 10% may or may not be well parented but it's all down to luck at that age.

Not had a chance to read the replies yet but YA and YANBU.

My best friend and I have different parenting styles which has in the past made days out difficult & unpleasant. BUT we have learnt the good ways each of us does things and I've learnt to pick my battles (stritch parent) and she's learnt thats its OK to disipline a child even if they'll cry and her dc's are becomming less distructive/ attention seeking through their behaviour.

NEVER though has this affected our friendship.

I think you can be friends with other parents who have different opinions on parenting. But the strain starts to show when their parenting starts to interfere with yours and your dc.

All parents have different ways of doing things. Even when you think you are on the same page.

Agree it gets much easier when you have more than one and you are confident that your way is right (FOR YOU!!). You have to just let them do their thing, and you do yours.

It is hard, kids pick things up, and you have to work harder at reminding your kids of the way WE do things. But that's life/school/wider world too.

I think you can stay friends as long as you don´t "interfere" with each others way of parenting.

I think it depends on what they are doing.

I have several friends with children and we all parent differently. Some are similar to me, but there is one who parents very differently; pretty much what colditz says at 00:51. We are still friends, it makes no difference to her as a person.

I would struggle to stay friends with someone who was regularly using the belt or somethgn like that.

I think you can just about manage it if you meet on neutral ground, otherwise not. I no longer invite people with their children if their children don't behave in what I think is a reasonable manner in my home. Doesn't mean I'm right, but my house my choice.

Hello GoMummy

Orangerie's post I nodded in agreement with and Ragged's. I think it does depend on all sorts of factors. I think if you can only see her with her child then could you arrange to go to the park with them when together? So you're out and about, would that help?

I have a friend and I really struggle with how she ignores treats her toddler, it really bothers me. So I generally do not see her often However she was never a good good friend IYKWIM? So it's been very simple for me to ease off seeing her. It just made me so sad and uncomfortable, the first time it happened I thought she was having an off day and the second time but as I've watched her more over the last 6 months or so and been to her house I've realised it's standard behaviour, even my DD age 3 has looked at me at times confused about it all and said something to me.

I think claw3 has it right too.

I think there are some things one has to bit one's tongue over (witnessing a style that does not chime with your own) and others where you have to make a stand (your child suffering as a result of said style).

FWIW, she sounds a loon!

It depends how extreme the styles are. How you described her style, no I wouldn't be friends with someone like that. Her DC will grow up to be a brat and I don't like DS mixing with children like that. Luckily my friends have similar styles to me. Obviously there are some things that we all do differently, but ultimately things like manners etc are very important to all of us.

I HATE it when parents let their DCs do exactly as they like. I have seen the result of this in my half sister who is 13 and her half brother who is 16. It isn't appealing and I avoid the whole lot of them, including their mum (who is my dads DP) as she is the one who has made them this way. Her ds once threw his playstation across the room in a rage and broke it. She bought him a new one!

IMO it depends entirely on your personalities. If you are both the sort of people who can accept difference in life without seeing that as a personal criticism of your own choices then I think friendship is perfectly possible.

Having said that, liking the parents doesn't require you to automatically like their children. So, in the sense that you may not want to spend time with your friend's child because of that child's behaviour, YANBU.

I think there are almost two themes coming out here - the issue of a friend's parenting style eventually making her children unpleasant or unbearable to be around, and the separate issue of a friend's parenting style making you feel differently about the friend her/himself, as you don't fully respect their approach (and it is possible to not respect someone's approach whilst fully respecting their right to choose it).

In scenario one, we have in the past seen less of a particular couple because their (over-indulged) kids have made any meetings unpleasant and unbearable. This is actually getting better now and we are starting to see more of them again.

In scenario two, I think this is more fundamental in that your respect for the friend her/himself diminishes. This is similar to e.g. if you discovered a friend started to express strong opinions about politics or religion etc. that you completely and fundamentally disagreed with (and perhaps found offensive in itself), and made you think differently of the friend. This is probably harder to overcome (especially in the OP's case where it sounds like the friend is also criticising the OP's choices re about making the DD 'meek' etc.).

So I do think that vastly differing parenting styles can mean the end of a friendship or at least mean that it diminishes substantially, but I think the likelihood of it ever reviving differ based on whether it is a number one or number two scenario.

D

I think in your case, gomummy, the crux of the matter is less her parenting style and more the fact that her parenting style is revealing her to be just not a very nice person. Not the person you thought she was.

Otherwise, yes, I think it is possible to be friends with someone who parents differently - for example, I feel my closest friend is incredibly neurotic re health (she goes to the doctor each time a child has a cold), but is very laid back re roaming the streets/going to the park alone at a young age. I don't take my DCs to the doctor unless they're bleeding from a major artery, but am completely neurotic about road safety/roaming the streets. I suspect we're as nuts as each other, and it has never affected our friendship.