To think you can't be friends with vastly different parenting styles?

[gomummy]

Posting this here as I am really interested in the wide range of strong opinions usually brought on by AIBU...

So I've always thought that I was one to respect that everyone has their own parenting style, and short of anything abusive, etc., it's up to parents how they choose to raise their own children... Have always managed this with no real problems, having spent a good bit of time with others with quite different styles than myself - their child, their choice and all that.

Now I find myself questioning my own logic, largely due to one relationship. A very old friend had a baby a couple of years ago and each time we get together (planning and travel required due to distance, so not that often) I am finding it increasingly difficult, frustrating, not sure of the word really. To say we have vastly different parenting approaches doesn't begin to describe it. Maybe it wasn't quite so evident when her DC was very small, but now it is unmistakable.

Trying really hard not to be judgey here, which is why I am not putting too much detail. Not really about "drives me crazy when she does X", just accepting that we are clearly at the definitive opposite ends of the parenting spectrum.

Have read posts before where posters suggest seeing friend without the DCs present. While that's not an option for me, it made me think --- and truthfully the friendship would not be the same.

I know I am somewhat swayed by the fact that DH finds her approach downright offensive, so can't really talk about this in an open/unbiased manner, iykwim. Hence, my AIBU. So, if you've gotten this far, AIBU to think two people with extremely different parenting styles can't really be friends? Not talking a few differences here - as in wholesale philosophy, behaviour/attitude, etc.

Interesting. I hadn't really thought about it, and yet, thinking now, I have distanced myself from friends whose parenting style shocks me.

I don't know why people are embarrassed to be judgy. We make judgements all day, every day. Doesn't mean we feel superior, just that we judge our way of doing things as better for us.

Some friends of mine have massively differing styles of parenting. One let her son trassh ds's expensive train set, put it all on the floor in a heap and jump up and down on it. I was outside talking to delivery man and came in to the carnage. She just smiled, and said "Kids eh"

Another friend does the "Darling, please dont do that" which irritates the life out of me. When chastising a child, its not appropriate to call them fucking Darling. It doesnt sound like an order, it sounds like praise.

So, I think YANBU. I dont think we know our friends completely until they have kids, and then sometimes we dont like what we see.

Ready for my flaming now

I used to be pretty good friends with a mum who had a son of a similar age to DS1. We had a massive row (which had been building up inside me for some time) basically over our differing attitudes to parenting. It was a shame as I genuinely liked this person. She emailed to make up BUT with a huge essay telling me why I was in the wrong and her way was right. We are no longer friends.

I actually saw her for the first time since the fight (about a year and a half ago) yesterday and we walked past without acknowledging each other - awkward but kind of inevitable. I miss her friendship but I do not miss the stress of watching my child being constantly attacked whilst my friend looked on, indulgently smiling.

Not sure how much the seeming tolerance of difficult, rude or destructive behaviour described here is an expression of a particular parenting style, or is actually about parents not coping very well and finding a philosophy to justify their failure to instill self-awareness and considerate behaviour in their children.

Can you not meet halfway between you at a pub with a playground or similar? Neutral territory will help, plus then your kids don't have to play together if they don't want to. Incidentally, I do think this could well improve as your kids get older.

Well, with my friend it was a definite agenda. Maners not to be instilled on purpose so that child should only say sorry or thank you if they meant it. My friend said that if I forced my child to say any of these things, all I was doing was teaching my child that big paople can bully little people.

Sorry, typo - manners

I think you can remain friends.

Where I see problems are when one or both friends become defensive about their own styles. They see a different style as attacking their own, when in fact it's just a different way of doing things.

Or, as evident here, one friend doesn't really respect the other person as a parent. They think they're wrong and doing it badly.
That's not the basis of friendship either.

I wouldn't be able to remain friends with anyone who I felt was either undermining my parenting or my child. Most of my friends have similar values and styles, so this has luckily not been a problem. So far!

However, there is one woman at school who seems oblivious to her son's behaviour but is very critical of other children's behaviour. I find it difficult to be around her, because if she does not reprimand her son for aggressive behaviour towards mine, then I do it for her. Which leads to tears on his part and her comforting him, which teaches him nothing and leaves me looking like the bad guy. So, to avoid interfering, I keep my distance. So, yes, I find differing styles can be difficult - if it was a good friend I would persevere and try to have a frank chat and find a way forward.
You have nothing to lose by doing that, as it appears you will lose this friendship anyway if you do nothing.

A good suggestion above - meet on neutral ground. Is there somewhere public that is halfway between your houses?

I have one friend who I have only spent 2 weekends with in the last 5 years. This is largely due to her DC's behaviour. They made both visits such a nightmare that I have deliberately lost contact with this friend and have no plans to make any future contact. Her DC's were rough with my children to the point where my DD was nearly seriously injured. They tantrumed continuously if they weren't allowed to play with my DC's toys ( I tried to encourage sharing but they took my DC's toys and refused to return them). At one point my DD was so confused by their behaviour she was apologising to the other child as he repeatedly hit her as she had no idea what else to do to make him stop. (He received a tongue lashing from me at that point). AT NO POINT DID THEIR PARENTS ATTEMPT TO CORRECT THEM OR MANAGE THEIR BEHAVIOUR.

She's a mentalist, there's no way you will stay friends with her in the future so my advice is give it up now.

I don't think you need to lose a friendship over parenting issues if you can just see the other parent without children in tow. I appreciate how hard it is when you have to see them altogether.

I have a disabled friend who often in the past has asked me for suggestions as to how to discipline her 3, and for ways to get them to do as they're asked, but then doesn't try, or tries and doesn't follow through, then gives up.

The other day I had to clench my teeth as her eldest answered her back when she asked him to get his dirty laundry from upstairs. It's partly her fault for always giving in and doing it herself in the end, and they know this (kids of 12, 14, 16) I wanted to stick up for my friend, but felt it inappropriate in her own house.

I'm going to try to see her on her own from now on, before I blurt out something regretful. There is no issue between our kids as my DS is adult and so they don't socialize at all. But if they'd been similar ages, I doubt we'd have spent much time together, at least I don't think the kids would have got on anyway.

Yanbu. I practise attachment parenting with my ds and have been pretty much ostracised by my nct buddies who don't agree with the approach.

Hence we are no longer mates.

I'm strict.

I have many friends who are not.

For the friends I meet with kids in tow, this can cause friction.

For the friends I meet sans kids, it is not problematic.

I have had friends who tried to sway me, and were quite forceful. Because of the force, and not the difference of opinion, we are no longer friends.

Meet up without the kids.Simples.

It's so odd that she would think that instilling proper manners in him would make him "meek"! I find this attitude mostly in people who have sons. (I think they have a misguided idea about it being "macho" to not be kind or something.) If their DS' are rude and rough, they're "all boy"...um, no, IMHO they're "all brat". :) Every child has tantrumy or rude moments, but if it's a constant thing, expecially encouraged by a parent, it crosses a line.

My uncle once observed me telling my DS to say excuse me and he said "oh I used to do that with DD, but I don't want to put that kind of pressure on her." Um...being polite is a burden? :) Okaaaay....

YANBU. Vastly differing parenting styles do make being friends woth somebody incredibly difficult.

All of my group of friends have quite simliar styles of parenting. Not to say that we are exactly alike, but in major things we would discipline etc. in the same way.

There is one Mum at school who has a son in DS1s class, and I can not get on with her at all, becasue as far as I'm concerned she just doesn't parent.

Like your friend gomummy she seems to think of wild agressive behaviour as 'boys being boys' in her son. She never tells her children off, but even worse, I've never heard her praise them either. She has one tone of voice that shows no emotion. I can not in any. Ican not in any way be friends with her because of this. It also makes her son a very unlikeable child, and I feel bad for feeling that way becasue it is not his fualt.

Really interesting responses, thanks all. At this point I am thinking there may not be another get-together, tbh. Her DS is a lot to take (my DH will definitely never do it again, has said so in no uncertain terms), but her cultivating it is worse to watch, and I think another visit would result in my having to say something. She is not the type of person who would receive that well, it would be bad. Maybe it's time to move on?

Pleased for those of you who have made major differences in parenting style work, but think maybe in my case it is just too extreme. Or maybe, tbh, I view her differently now that I've seen this side of her. I've tried not to on here, but if we're being totally honest I certainly do judge (to myself only) her parenting IRL as a reflection of her overall personality.

The perspectives have helped put some of it in order, but still feel badly as it was a long standing (though long distance) friendship.

I think you can, but it depends on the person.

I am pretty laid back (though I don't let DS do things which impinge on others) whereas most of my friends are much stricter. There are moments when I wince inwardly seeing them do something or when they tell me about something and I'm sure that they have similar moments seeing me do things with DS that they wouldn't. But I would never tell them that they were wrong to do it or offer suggestions unless asked, and vice versa.

But on the other hand there is a small group of mums at playgroup who I do actively avoid if possible, obviously I am polite to their face, but I wouldn't choose to spend time with them outside of the group, because of the way they are with their children. I guess this is more a personality thing though, as I don't think I'd particularly be friends with them in the first place.

I love the fact many of the posts mention BOYS being the problem as their parents encourage them to be rough, unmeek etc.

I have DS 6 and all my friends have DD's. In fact my DS is the one who gets hit, punched, shouted at, toys broken atc as the girls 'don't want to share' and they are the ones bowed down to and given into as their tantrums are horrendous. I'm stricht and DS is expected to be polite, have manners and 'use his words'. In fact in the summer hoidays he had a few 'bad' days, nothing major just tears over toys etc and a friend commented how unusal it was for him - consider this is behavuiour her dd's exhibit about 10 x a day!! He was violently sick on the 3rd day so think perhaps he felt like crap

I think you have to allow for childs gender. personality age and understanding when with others and that that may affect the way they parent.

{sad] that you've had to make that decision gomummy but I hope it works out for the best for you.