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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to exclude an elderly parent from our wedding?

35 replies

monochrome · 13/09/2010 20:54

He will tell racist and anti-gay jokes.He will make sure he is the centre of attention, one way or another.He ruins every event he attends. He made my DF's childhood a misery, and still tries to hit him sometimes.
What on earth can we do?
He is quite capable of violence if he is thwarted. He is also very good at emotional blackmail, now he is widowed, losing his sight, and alone.

OP posts:

CerealOffender · 13/09/2010 20:57

he can fuck off. enjoy your wedding

Odysseus · 13/09/2010 20:57

I didn't invite my Grandad, for exactly the same reasons you describe (minus the homophobia&racism) and I have never had any regrets. I am quite reconciled to the fact that I shall never see him again and that he will never meet my DS.
Some people just don't deserve millions of chances imo.

curlymama · 13/09/2010 21:06

It's up to your DF. If he doesn't want him there, don't invite him. But if he does want him there, you will just have to suck it up and put an usher on elderly parent duty.

Original poster

monochrome · 13/09/2010 21:14

DF doesn't want him there but he and I both feel it looks so bad to outsiders.
No one can control him(elderly parent not DF); he loves to make a scene, swear, and embarrass his children.

OP posts:

tattycoram · 13/09/2010 21:15

Don't invite him. Who cares what outsiders think, he sounds horrible and you don't want him there.

LynetteScavo · 13/09/2010 21:17

Are you sure he won't just turn up anyway?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 13/09/2010 21:17

If he'll behave as you describe and your DF doesn't want him there, then don't invite him. The other option is that you do invite him and regret it as he spoils the day.

curlymama · 13/09/2010 21:20

Could you tell the outsiders that he was ill or something? Tbh, I don't think anyone would say much, maybe only close family before the day. But surely they would understand why you don't want him there. I really don't think anyone would say much about it, especially not on the day. Everyone will just want you to have the best day possible.

Katisha · 13/09/2010 21:21

If it's only the fact that you feel it looks bad not to invite him, then don't.
Don't allow the day to be spoiled just to keep up appearances. Doesn't sound like they'd be kept up anyway.

2rebecca · 13/09/2010 21:22

Outsiders don't matter. Surely you can be honest about your reasons to the people you care about and I don't see why you'd invite people you don't care about to your wedding.

skeletonbones · 13/09/2010 21:23

we got married a couple of weeks ago, didn't invite my husbands dad. No one said anything. Only thing I would say is we had a very small wedding and party at a local pub, if your having a huge do and inviting 150 people or whatever it might cause more comment (they invited great great uncle bob and my next door neighbours cousin but not meeee ect ect)

mylittlemonkey · 13/09/2010 21:28

You need to ask yourself how much stress it would cause you if you did invite him and the effect this would have on your wedding day. If you are just going to constantly worry about him and his behaviour instead of enjoying yourself then it may not be worth it. However, if you are going to worry more about what people will think if he is not there then maybe better to invte him. Sometimes you are allowed to be a bit selfish and put yourself first. Your wedding day is definately one of those times. Also remember that your mood and any stress felt by you will also affect your hubby to be.

BuntyPenfold · 14/09/2010 00:39

Don't be bullied into doing anything you are not happy with.

ChippingIn · 14/09/2010 01:17

Don't invite him, don't even tell him it's happening or where/when etc. If anyones asks where he is (and I doubt they will just tell them he was unable to make it.

I hope you have a lovely day :)

nomedoit · 14/09/2010 01:28

Honestly, the easiest thing is to tell the truth. Don't invite him (you will be dreading his antics) and if anyone asks just say that he wasn't invited. You don't have to give an explanation! If you want to, say that his behaviour in the past made you think it best he wasn't there. Nearly everyone has an awful relative. I have several.

gtamom · 14/09/2010 04:43

Chances are anyone who has met him will understand why you didn't invite him.
Will you tell him why he isn't invited, and does he know when and where it is?

thumbwitch · 14/09/2010 04:53

In all honesty, it sounds like he's going to ruin it for everyone if he does turn up so you're better off not inviting him. A few ignorant types who don't know him aren't going to matter in the grand scheme of things and you will have a much nicer time.

Congratulations and I hope you have a lovely day.

tadjennyp · 14/09/2010 05:23

Don!'t invite him if he is going to spoil your day. Congratulations and enjoy your day!

Hi thumbwitch, how are you? Haven't seen you on the chat thread in a while!

bearcrumble · 14/09/2010 08:04

Invite him and put tranquilisers in his champagne so he falls asleep as soon as the reception starts.

No, really - just don't invite him and cut him out of your lives.

lucy101 · 14/09/2010 08:14

IMO don't invite him - you may will regret it, it may well spoil your wedding, and if so you will never forgive him and the relationship will be even worse.

Don't be blackmailed by others to invite him either. I was recently bullied (at a time when I was very vulnerable) into inviting someone to something very important to me... the upshot was this person was ungracious and rude (as expected) and I feel huge anger both towards the person who was invited and the person who bullied me into it. In fact I will never forgive either of them... and knew then, and know now that it would have been better not to have had them there.

Weddings are also symbolic of a new start, a new family (you and DH) where relationships will be different in the future. Especially as it sounds like FIL has been a bully for years it might be time to publicly state 'no more'.

I second just a short but firm ' he wasn't invited' if anyone asks.

There are some events you only get to do once and are very precious.

cupcakesandbunting · 14/09/2010 08:49

I didn't invite my grandad and had my grandma's blessing :) He was rude, racist (my cousin is married to a gorgeous Sikh lady, not sure how he would have handled that) he would have been banging his cutlery on his bread plate demanding to know where his dinner was, he would have wanted to go home straight after he's eaten. I'd have rather given the place to someone more deserving so I did.

Good luck :)

HecateQueenOfWitches · 14/09/2010 09:14

Tell him it's the day after it really is? Then when he complains afterwards, tell him that he must have mis-heard

Or just cut him out of your life because he sounds vile!

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 14/09/2010 09:15

Slip some valium into his morning tea on the day of the wedding.

DetectivePotato · 14/09/2010 09:20

Don't invite him at all. Who wants someone there like that to ruin your day!!

It doesn't matter what outsiders will think (and surely anyone who has met him would understand), its your day that you do not want ruined.

spiritmum · 14/09/2010 09:22

It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, this is for you and your df to decide.

However, you do need to be aware that if he knows when and where you are getting married he may turn up and cause a scene. I don't really know what you can do about this except ask family that you invite not to tell him. Or get married somewhere that he is unlikely to be able to get to. Or find someone to be on guard duty.

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