To think almost 9yo is old enough to chose your own hairstyle?

[CardyMow]

My DS1 is almost 9yo. He is very advanced for his age, and has very definate views on who he is. He doesn't like his hair cropped, he likes it to be long and 'floppy'. Now his older sister, from the age of 8yo, was allowed to choose how she wanted her hair. Until then I'd kept it mid-length, long enough to go in a ponytail, not so long as to be unmanageable. She grew her hair at 8yo. Now at 12yo, she has had it cut too short to put up, and all layered etc. Not what I like, but her choice. So, back to DS1. I feel that as they have to conform to the school uniform etc, that allowing them to express their individuality through their hairstyle is fine as long as it doesn't breach the school rules (no red hair dye, no cut patterns in boys hair etc). So his hair was a lovely length, he combed it twice a day, and generally looked after it. AIBU thinking that nearly 9yo is old enough to choose how to have your hair?

And an extra AIBU, his stepmum cut it while he was there this weekend, despite DS1 crying and being very upset about it. Her reason was 'school photos are coming up and I want him to look nice in our photo with X (stepmums' son)'. AIBU that she is wrong to have cut his hair, even though my ex-H has PR just as much as me. I know it was her idea, as ex-H isn't too fussed, but won't argue with her.

YANBU. He's your son, not hers and she has no right to have it cut. Obviously it'll grow, but I think you need to explain to her that he wants to have it long and unless the school complain, or he's teased for looking like a girl, or he decides to have it cut, it stays long.

I would be furious about someone cutting my DD's hair (not that she would let them). I don't think YBU to say that by that age they are old enough to decide how they want their hair, the question is though, would they look after it? OUr dd has a nightmare hair, fine and tangly so we keep it mid lenght bob so she can put it into a pony tail. She has a new friend who has a sort of modified Rachel (friends) cut with highlights. Guess what sort of hairstyle dd wants. I am fearful that if I keep saying no she will hack it herself - she's done it in the past .

Difficult as I would say a father has as much "right" to cut a child´s hair as the mother.

There is the point of his father.

Otoh he is old enough for his father to consider his pov, just as you are doing.

The stepmum's attitude sounds nasty: he's got to be perfect enough to fit in a photograph with her precious son.

YANBU she cannot just go and cut your ds' hair against his will and without your permission. She could have asked you first. What she finds nice is not necessarily what you find nice and ds is the one who has to live with it.

Jesus, his step-mother sounds like a right bitch.

She upset an 8 year old so he'd look "nice" (as defined by her) in a photo?

What a complete cow.

Have words with your ex about his wanker wife.

It's more the fact that she carried on and did it despite the fact that he was in tears (apparently) tbh, and totally ignored his point of view. She is a bit 'old-school' and believes that children do not get a say in anything until they are 16/18yo. In my house, we talk about things, and get everyone's POV before making decisions, and usually go with what the majority want. And I am going to get it in the neck when I pick him up from school as well, him being very upset. Last time she did this, he said he didn't want to go back there again, and it took a lot of persuading on my part to get him to go back. Just how hard is it going to be to get him to go back there again now?

I know that his father gets as much say as I do over issues like this...but it's not ex-H...it's his missis. That's what gets my goat. Why the hell does SHE get a say? I try to be as nice as I can, and reassure my DS, but it's getting harder and harder, as me and my DP just parent in such different ways to ex-H and his P, and my DS is struggling with it. I seriously doubt there's anything I can do, though, as DP and I don't qualify for legal aid, as DP works. Ex-H and his P can get legal advice for free whenever they want as neither of them work.

The stepmum sounds horrible, I´ll agree with that.

But I´ll probably be in a minority here, I can´t see a problem with a 9yr old having he hair cut even though he wants it long.

And I HAVE spoken to her about leaving his hair long, the last time she cut it. Which was about 6 months ago, in which time he has been to the hairdressers twice for 'trims' with me, in the style he wants. Think Justin Bieber, and you're about there on how he likes his hair. She just ignores my concerns, and tells me if I don't like it, to take them to court. When she knows I can't afford to because MY DP gets off his bum and goes to work. She practically smirks at me when she says it too. And DS was keeping his hair neat, he was combing it twice a day. Or more. Most 8-9yo's can cope with either combing or brushing their hair, surely?

Well then it´s really down to your ex, isn´t it?

Chocolate teapot springs to mind though Diddl...which is why he's the EX! . He barely says 2 words to me if she's there, apparently he's not 'allowed' to. And she's almost always blooming there!

Yes, after I posted I thought that that it was a bit pointless/obvious

It´s a shame he doesn´t think enough of his own son to stand up for him.

As I´ve said, I´ve nothing against a 9yr being made to have their hair cut shorter than they would like per se, but not when the thought behind it is that he doesn´t look good enough to be photographed with a sibling(?)

You need to have a conversation with your child's father on his own and explain to him that if he lets this horrible bitch upset him that he'll lose his son.

In the next few years it will no longer be possible to persuade your son to visit his father if he chooses not to.

If his Dad doesn't stick up for him when his horrible wife is upsetting him in ways like this, then he is gradually going to come to hate his father.

If she has told you to take them to court rather than even attempt to treat her stepson as a human being in his own right, she is obviously completely crazy.

I have to say, I wasn't deeply overjoyed with how he had his hair before, but IMO, it's his head, he looks after it, and he is getting to express himself without breaking school rules on uniform etc. But would you cut the hair if they were crying and begging you not to, Diddl? If it was truly upsetting them, and was something they felt very strongly about?

The SMum is horrible, and should not have forced him to have a haircut against his will simply to match her son. Horrible woman.

Whether a 9 yo is old enough to choose a hairstyle depends entirely on what style they choose!

TBH skidoodly, she's the same with her 5yo son as well, she doesn't let him choose any of his clothes, same as she doesn't my DS, she dresses him in clothes he dislikes as well. I just don't understand her lack of respect for their opinions. Yes they might be children, but children are still little people that have their own views and opinions on things. Obviously I wouldn't let my dc's go out wearing shorts in the snow, but as long as it's weather appropriate and not moth-eaten, does it matter whether they are wearing a pair of named tracksuit trousers (stepmums clothing of choice) or a pair of black jeans from tescos (DS1's preferred clothing). Which also happens to be cheaper than her preferred choice, and they're always moaning about having no money...

It did make me laugh when DS1 came home a few weeks ago and told me that he'd had a 'discussion' with his stepmum about the fire/melting risk of nylon tracksuit trousers as opposed to jeans....because the label said 'keep away from fire'...

TBH if I really didn´t like the hair long or thought it unsuitable for school I probably would.

But then I would be talking about my son & with his father backing me up.

I would let him have his hair as he wanted it - providing he is good at looking after it. I did threaten my son with the scissors when his long hair started looking tatty and ratty. Stepmother's behaviour is out of order and horribly controlling.

As your Ex is useless about it you're going to have to teach your DS to say, "You are not to cut my hair, my mother says I am not to have it cut etc etc"

She might not think children get a say, but you are his mother.

Has she shaved his poor head and made him look all bald? Can't stand people who give little boys haircuts like thugs.

Loudlass, yes your ex's wife was completely out of order in what she did, especially given how upset your son was. Really this is the fathers responsibility to sort out. I have a step daughter, there is no way I would either take over a parenting issue like this, I would consider it to be DP's responsibility. (DSD's mum cant be arsed with cutting hair or for that matter nails lol) nor would ever I wantonly upset my DSD.
If your ex will not grow some and take responsibility for your son when he's in his care, what are you going to do?

I did again notice with sadness much step mum bashing in less than 30 mins time. Please note a would hope a minority step mums are nasty, crazy, horrible bitch, wanker wives :o
Fucking how long ago did old Cinders wicked stepma die?

I will find out just how short it is in 45 mins, I have to leave now to go get him and DS2 from school. I can see I'm going to have to do a lot of placating his probably hot temper, and a lot of arguing, as I always am the one in the wrong...I should have stopped them etc etc. Quite how when I'm not there I don't know. And narky, he DID tell them he didn't want his hair cut, his stepmum just ignored it, even when he started to cry. sigh

Damn cold lol!
Please note: I would hope only a minority step mums are nasty, crazy, horrible bitch, wanker wives.

Perhaps the correct reaction is over- reaction in this case then. Have severe words with ex and tell DS not to cry but to shout eg "No. Don't touch me. I will call the police" As loudly as possible. Preferably whilst heading for the front door and phoning you.

She IBU - although his dad is able to "authorise" a haircut, she cannot. I think, if your exDH had not given her permission to cut his hair, this would actually constitute assault in legal terms. You could try asking your son if his dad agreed to it - if not, you could report her (you never know, it might be useful in the future to have had the incident recorded).

Does your son go to the same school as her son? If so, perhaps you could call the school and refuse permission for them to be photographed together (but don't tell anyone in advance, or your exDH might give them permission). That might stop this kind of thing happening again in the future (if I were in your shoes, I'd be damned if she was going to get her precious photo after causing any son of mine so much trauma over the issue)