To think almost 9yo is old enough to chose your own hairstyle?

[CardyMow]

My DS1 is almost 9yo. He is very advanced for his age, and has very definate views on who he is. He doesn't like his hair cropped, he likes it to be long and 'floppy'. Now his older sister, from the age of 8yo, was allowed to choose how she wanted her hair. Until then I'd kept it mid-length, long enough to go in a ponytail, not so long as to be unmanageable. She grew her hair at 8yo. Now at 12yo, she has had it cut too short to put up, and all layered etc. Not what I like, but her choice. So, back to DS1. I feel that as they have to conform to the school uniform etc, that allowing them to express their individuality through their hairstyle is fine as long as it doesn't breach the school rules (no red hair dye, no cut patterns in boys hair etc). So his hair was a lovely length, he combed it twice a day, and generally looked after it. AIBU thinking that nearly 9yo is old enough to choose how to have your hair?

And an extra AIBU, his stepmum cut it while he was there this weekend, despite DS1 crying and being very upset about it. Her reason was 'school photos are coming up and I want him to look nice in our photo with X (stepmums' son)'. AIBU that she is wrong to have cut his hair, even though my ex-H has PR just as much as me. I know it was her idea, as ex-H isn't too fussed, but won't argue with her.

I would hope so too Elean

I only know one step-mother, my sMIL. She's fab.

Excellent suggestion Isabella, yep call the school.
A warning shot across her bows via a solicitor's letter would record the incident. But you have to weigh what the outcomes of such an action would be. As a step mother she has NO legal parental right or responsibility, she should not be causing such upset to your son. If your sons father will not stick up for him what else can you do?

Loving 'he's very advanced for his age'!!

My EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT AND MATURE 8 year old is the opposite, wants short hair, we want it long but it's his choice and is obviously a far more sensible option for school!

Yes stepmum was out of order, but just needs telling firmly and politely.

He has had a chat with me and has said that if his dad ignores him again, he will lock himself in the bathroom there, and refuse to have his hair cut there. He has said that 'while I understands that everybody brings their children up differently, I want my dad to please pay attention to the fact that I have my own opinions on some things'. He also said to me that he is worried that his 5yo step-brother doesn't get listened to either, and he is worried about how much they will listen to his half-brother's opinion when he is older (half-brother is only 1yo atm).

He has also told me that if his dad does this again, he wants me to go to the judge and tell them he wont go back! I told him that that would be unfair on his step-brother and half brother who would both miss him an awful lot, and that at some point, his dad and stepmum will have to acknowledge the fact that he is getting older.

And I don't think she is genuinely an 'evil' stepmum, just that she is much much stricter in the way she brings up children than I am, including her own, so I don't think it is to do with being a stepmum. He gave me a hug, and thanked me for respecting his opinion.

He is being so grown up about it, despite being obviously upset and angry, he is trying to accept that there is not really much he can do about it other than keep trying to talk to his dad. He has also complained this afternoon that his dad doesn't listen to him now like he did before his stepmum was around, his dad just 'backs up whatever SM says so as not to cause rows with SM'

Oh and the school know that as dad has PR, I can't refuse for him to have photos taken with his stepbrother if his dad has given permission. Besides, that would not be fair really, they are still siblings, and it's not fair for them not to have a photo together. (No matter how satisfying it would be to 'get one over' on her).

"He has also told me that if his dad does this again, he wants me to go to the judge and tell them he wont go back! I told him that that would be unfair on his step-brother and half brother who would both miss him an awful lot,"

Do you mean cut his hair or not listen to him?

TBH, if my son was so upset at going to his father´s that he didn´t want to go anymore I´m not sure I would be considering his step brother & half brother.

IME your DS will end up resenting his dad if he does not start standing up for him more. It might "only be a haircut" to him and his bitch wife but it's obviously important to his DS.

I barely speak to my dad nowadays because he made it so clear to me growing up that I wasn't a priority to him- that honour went to his shiny new family. His loss. My half siblings treat him as nothing more than a walking cash point and have no respect for him and his grand kids couldn't pick him out in a line up.

The stepmum sounds so spiteful no to mention insecure. She wont let her DP talk to his ex about their kids? What does she think such a conversation would lead to? you humping him on the driveway as the DC look on?

I will now confess that I am not actually diddl

Oops
Wrong thread

God only knows what she thinks will happen, considering I'm quite happy with my DP, who I already have a DS of almost 7yo with, and am currently 22 wks pregnant to. FFS, DP isn't getting any of that atm, let alone my dopey Ex-H! He's an ex-H for a reason.

DS means that if his stepmum and his dad cut his hair again, he wants me to go to the judge and tell him he won't go back there. And yes, I do feel that hard as it is, he does have to consider the feelings of any other people who would be affected by that decision, despite how hard it is, my dc have all been brought up to see that what they choose to do isn't just about them, but has an impact on other people as well.

It's bloody hard for me to talk to him about considering his stepbrother and half brother when I just want to wrap him up in my arms and hug him till his hair grows back, but he's grown up enough to realise that if he didn't go to his dads' house, he wouldn't see his half brother. And DS would then be missing his baby brother.

Can I just vent, this once, on MN so I can be smarmy polite to his SM's face for DS's sake in the playground tomorrow? I refuse to badmouth her or his dad in front of DS, but bugger me the selfish, spiteful, insecure little cow doesn't make it easy to be the grown up one in all this!!!!! I wish I could hold her down and give her a fecking number one buzz cut and see how she flippin likes it. Aaaaand breathe.