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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my families reaction to this is utterly ridiculous?!

70 replies

TotorosOcarina · 13/09/2010 09:29

Right my sister and her DH decided to try for a baby, they tried for 2 months then he lost his job, so they started to use contraception again.

He got a new job (a better on with fixed hours - yey :) ) and so they decided to TTC again.

Turns out they started the same time as DH and I.

We were amazingly lucky and got pregnant first month.

Now, everytime I mention my pregnancy the converstaion tuns to my sister and how hard it is for her and how much she has been crying :(

I asked her if she would come to my booking in appointment as DH can't because he has to collect the kids from school and she said yes.

But now family members are saying 'oh God, will she be OK though? Going there with you?' / ' how brave of her'

Now I don't mean to Hmm but she had tried now for 3 cycles!

She has a 3 year old so she has no fertility problems at all!

I just feel like I'm being made out to be 'upsetting' her by just trying to involve mys sister and best friend in my pregnancy :(

I'd understand if she had no children and had had IVF and things like that, but shes in her early 20's, has a toddler son and has tried for 3 months!!

AIBU?

I would never say any of this to her, its just putting a dampner on my own pregnancy and feel like I have to distance myself and my babybump-news from her until she falls pregnant and I'm worrying her AF will turn up again and make everyone feel awful for her.

I feel like a bitch typing this but feel genuinly Confused

OP posts:
sterrryerryoh · 13/09/2010 11:27

I think you?re being unnecessarily harsh, to be honest Posie. The Op has already said that her sister is OK with things, it?s just her family that are over-dramatising things.
FWIW, OP, (and this is from an infertile woman who spent 9 years TTC and will NEVER be pregnant) - if my sister had become pregnant at any point over the last 9 years - or if she becomes pregnant at any point from now on, I would be ecstatic for her and would want to join in with any and all appointments that she wanted me at. Just because someone has trouble conceiving (and no, 3 months isn?t very long at all) doesn?t mean that person can?t function in normal society and accept that other people get pregnant.
Yes, there?s probably going to be a bit of ?why can?t that be me?, but TotorosOcarina
you have every right to be excited about your pregnancy, and it sounds as though you have a lovely relationship with your sister, so of course you want her there, not just for the practical support she can give you I?m sure.
I think your family are piling it on a bit thick, tbh - and although it is hard when you?re trying for a baby and struggling (which is why we didn?t tell anyone we were TTC until we had fertility tests proving that we couldn?t have children), I suspect that the family saying all this stuff to you and to your sister, is probably making it worse.
I don?t think you?re being unreasonable at all - maybe have a word with your sister, and just provide a foil for her. Offer a balanced view to that of the rest of the family. Struggling to conceive is made worse with pity, IME. I always found it much more annoying when people pussy-footed around me, or were scared to tell me any pregnancy-related stuff in case I lost it (which I never did - always happy to share stories of other people?s pregnancies)
Congratulations to you, TotorosOcarina - I hope your hypermesis doesn?t spoil things for you, and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

Original poster
TotorosOcarina · 13/09/2010 11:30

Posie, you don't know my mum, loosing a toenail is like loosing a foot to her, honestly.

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 13/09/2010 11:33

It sounds like your sister will be more upset about everyone else making out that she has a problem with fertility Hmm. How ridiculous.

Original poster
TotorosOcarina · 13/09/2010 11:35

Yes thats what I mean orm!

OP posts:
PosieParker · 13/09/2010 11:40

Fine, OP you're right...there's clearly no other point of view.

Original poster
TotorosOcarina · 13/09/2010 11:43

Sighs, of course there are other points of view.

But I know that mine and my sisters (which is the same) is the right point of view and my families POV is warped and causing unnesary upset to my sister and also tainting my pregnancy.

OP posts:
Summerbird73 · 13/09/2010 11:46

posie seems your point of view is the only one too Hmm

TotoO in a nutshell - YADNBU! Have a quiet chat with your sis - if she really is fine then tell your family to neb out!

and listen to the wise words of sterry she is a bit of a MN legend at the mo at dealing with non understanding families! Wink

diddl · 13/09/2010 11:52

OP tbh I can´t see how it´s putting a dampner on your pregnancy.

Perhaps your family have seen your sister upset & are concerned that she doesn´t really want to go with you but won´t say no.

Rockbird · 13/09/2010 11:54

I think your family are being OTT. I've been TTC for four cycles and yes it gets you down a bit even though four months is nothing, but I'd go to your booking in with you. What other people do doesn't affect my chances. I'd probably inwardly be jealous but outwardly I'd do whatever I could to help. I don't have a sister but if I did I'd be there.

Original poster
TotorosOcarina · 13/09/2010 11:57

diddl, When I'm with my sister alone I can talk to her about anything, but like yesterday when all my family were here I felt self concious of running off to be sick because they seem to think that any mention of anything pregnancy related is going to upset her, so I don't feel I can talk about anything in front of them (not her) until she is pregnant too :(

OP posts:
diddl · 13/09/2010 12:09

Have you actually asked her if she is OK?

TBH it wouldn´t occur to me to sit discussing my pregnancy in front of someone who I knew was TTC and was upset that it hadn´t happened for her yet.

I also doubt I´d ask them to the booking appointment.

traceybath · 13/09/2010 12:16

Well I to think its a bit odd to take your sister to booking in appointment - although I presume she'll stay in waiting room and watch your dd?

But then I'm more in the posie camp who always has to take children to my appointments.

Oh and I conceived ds1 on second cycle - ds2 took over 2 years.

But you know your sister so obviously up to you. The only thing I'd wonder about was if she was being fine with you but was secretly upset.

EdgarAllInPink · 13/09/2010 12:24

YANBU. My sister managed to be nice whilst i had my 3 kids within 3 years. She has been TTC for 5 years, no kids, 2 M/C. My family all were plesed for me.

this is ridiculous.

you not being pregnant would do her no good at all.

if she really has only been TTC for 3 months - a bit odd really.

Mishy1234 · 13/09/2010 12:34

If it really is just your family who are being cautious, then I would speak to your sister directly about it. That way you'll get the whole story, just in case there's more to it than you know.

As someone who took 8 years and several IVF cycles to get pregnant with our first, I can understand the upset which can be caused when things just aren't happening as you want, especially when someone close seems to have got pregnant quickly. Just try to bear that in mind (as I'm sure you are) and I'm sure your sister will be ok and the rest of your family will calm down about it all. You never know, in a couple of months you may be doing the pregnancy journey together!

diddl · 13/09/2010 12:36

OP´s family are probably pleased for her-just maybe trying to balance that with not upsetting sister.

Itsonme · 13/09/2010 12:52

But you haven't answered the question of why you can't just leave you dd with your sister, rather than drag your sister along?

I had daily migraines in my pregnancy, to the point I could often not see and vomited consistently. I still managed, just get on with it for goodness sake!

Serendippy · 13/09/2010 13:11

I invited friends to my wedding. Some of them were single. I know that they would like to be in a relationship. Some of these people ha been searching for Mr Right for years. They still came to my wedding and I would like to think they were happy for me.

I can believe that your sister is happy for you. Involve her as much as she wants to be involved. Good luck and congratulations.

PosieParker · 13/09/2010 14:14

TO...I do think there's more to this than meets the eye. You seem to avoid the question of leaving your dd.

prozacfairy · 13/09/2010 14:23

Imo the only thing that could be uppsetting your DSis is everone round her telling her how upset she must be. Maybe she feels more pressure to get pregnant because everyone is so worried she might be "upset"?

I wouldn't have invited her to a midwife appointment though- it seems a leeetle bit insensitive tbh. Before I split up with my ex I had been broody and he hadn't, so pregnancy was a touchy subject because I wanted another baby myself so badly and wasn't going to have one.

If I'd been your sister I'd have made up an excuse not to go with you. Not out of spite, but because it would have been really depressing for me.

Summerbird73 · 13/09/2010 20:28

I think your family are overreacting. So still maintain in that respect YANBU

I would reconsider the booking in appt. Can you ask the MW to come to your house because of your sicky thing coupled with your responsibilities to DD. Or could you not have DD stay with someone for the morning/afternoon?

TBH my booking in appt was merged with my scan so they had me there for 3 hours. It is a long time for DD and your sister to be with you if that is the case. I would go for begging the MW's to come to you instead.

Although i am in agreement with your OP, i was a little Hmm at you asking your sister to come to the appt with you. Of course only you know your sister so i do 'get' that she may be ok with it, but have a little think outside the box.

I do think you should Smile your pregnancy though. I was told to hide my bump at work because of a girl who was TTC. It made me Sad

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