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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was he being an arse or AIBU?

61 replies

ChopinBored · 12/09/2010 14:30

Went to a restaurant with DH last night to celebrate our wedding anniversary of 9 years.

The waitress came up to us to take our drinks order whilst we had the menu in front of us. I ordered a glass of fizz, and DH had a beer.

She asked us if we wanted anything while we waited - i.e olives etc. We looked at the menu where they had various appetiser type things, like olives, garlic bread, and barbecue chicken wings, strangely enough, so I went "ooh chicken wings" partly because I was surprised they had them as a little appetiser thing and partly because they did sound appealing, though I probably wouldn't have actually ordered them, as it seemed too substantial a choice. But then DH says, in front of the waitress, "you can't have CHICKEN WINGS" in a slightly shocked, disgusted voice, and said "lets get some Olives". So the waitress said "okay, olives" and walked off.

So I gave him a Hmm look. He said, "oh, sorry, did you really want the chicken wings?". I said, "well, not especially but it seems I didn't have a choice anyway, and if you are now asking my preference, I certainly dont fancy any olives, but anyway, have whatever you want".

I probably would have said this to him during the decision making process if the waitress hadn't been there - but I was a bit silenced (i.e shocked) by his weird anti-chicken wing outburst so decided not to make a scene (I didn't really care whether we had an appetiser or not)

Anyway he said "sorry, I didn't realise you wanted them so much". I said, look, I dont really want them as such, it was irritating the way you told me I couldn't have them like I was some kind of child, that's all.

The waitress then came back with our drinks and he then proceeded (despite me protesting when I realised what he was doing) to change the order from Olives to Chicken Wings. At that stage I just felt sorry for the waitress who probably didn't know who to listen to so I just sat there with flaming cheeks and let him reorder.

Its like he totally missed the point that it was him telling me I couldn't have them that was the issue, not whether I actually had them or not, and that he (a) embarrased me by telling me I couldn't have something in front of the waitress, and then (b) embarrased me again by changing the order as if my life depended on eating some chicken wings within the hour.

The chicken wings came, they were lovely, nice little morsels of chicken whilst we waited for our starters, and he enjoyed them as much as me. The ordering debacle wasn't mentioned again by either of us.

Was he behaving like a bit of an arse or did he just get it wrong?

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 12/09/2010 14:32

isn't this just one of those petty little things?
Move on.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 12/09/2010 14:33

He was a bit of an arse but if this was a one off I'd let it go. If it is part of a pattern of behaviour then that's different.

Original poster
ChopinBored · 12/09/2010 14:33

Well, that's obviously what I'm trying to work out.

OP posts:
Kushanku · 12/09/2010 14:34

I wouldve been annoyed to, as you say, its not about the chicken wings, its about being told you can't have something like some little woman who's allowed no opinion. But then I am very anti-male today.

ChasingSquirrels · 12/09/2010 14:34

well then, I think it sounds like you were both being arses - but then I wasn't there.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 12/09/2010 14:35

Well does he generally speak for you or belittle you or maybe he just doesn't like chicken wings? Do you often feel patronised?

Original poster
ChopinBored · 12/09/2010 14:35

How was I being an arse Chasing? Genuinely interested to know.

OP posts:
countrybump · 12/09/2010 14:36

Agree with ChasingSquirrels. Congratulations on your anniversary.

jabberwocky · 12/09/2010 14:36

I think he just blurted out something he regretted and then tried to fix even if it seemed a bit clumsy at the time.

Happy Anniversary, btw. I'm glad you didn't let it spoil the rest of your evening.

I always try to remember a line from a Bridget Fonda movie at times like this:

Whenever you don't really know what to say,just give a little smile and say something like 'Well, I never did mind about the little things.'

Have used this a few times in my life and it actually works quite well :)

countrybump · 12/09/2010 14:38

Sorry - agree with Chasing's first comment, don't think either of you were being arses!

spikeycow · 12/09/2010 14:38

Why did the waitress take his word as gospel? And who is he to decide what you want to eat?

ChasingSquirrels · 12/09/2010 14:39

honestly, and I don't know - I wasn't there (obviously) and so didn't get the nuances.
But, he did the first bit (ok, odd, but maybe he thought yuk - don't want chicken wings as a starter) and then he said sorry and asked if you wanted them.
At that point, you didn't say "no, just thought they sounded interesting" or "yes"
you did that whole "whatever" thing.
And he thought "oh, she does want them", so changed the order.

It really just sound like one of those things, and you are probably dwelling on it, whereas he has probably forgotten it.

Unless, as other have asked, this is just one of many such incidents.

Original poster
ChopinBored · 12/09/2010 14:40

Good point Spikey - I think it was that as much as him that made me feel momentarily like my potential preferences really didn't matter! And possibly made him seem like more of an arse than he was meaning to be in the process, now you mention it.

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 12/09/2010 14:41

so, not very big arses, just both a little in the wrong.
hence the "move on"

Original poster
ChopinBored · 12/09/2010 14:45

Chasing: "But, he did the first bit (ok, odd, but maybe he thought yuk - don't want chicken wings as a starter) and then he said sorry and asked if you wanted them".

No, he said "sorry" AFTER I did the Hmm thing. Until that point he didn't realise he'd even done anything wrong and that telling your wife they can't have something in front of a waitress in a disgusted voice is not really a good lead in to a successful anniversary dinner.

"At that point, you didn't say "no, just thought they sounded interesting" or "yes"
you did that whole "whatever" thing."

Actually, I did clarify that I didn't want olives, not that he'd asked, but that I whilst I didn't especially want the chicken wings, it would have been nice to have a choice.

Then he changed the order.

So how does that make me an arse?

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 12/09/2010 14:49

you won't agree with me, I probably wouldn't agree with me if I was in the situation. I'd be aggrieved.
And, again, I obviously wasn't there. But it really does just sound like one of those things, where both sides get drawn in.

If you are really offended about him ordering for you, then tell him, quietly and without blame. Don't go on about it, just tell him that you were upset and didn't like it, but want to move on.

quiddity · 12/09/2010 14:52

Yes, he was, and YANBU. And yes he made things worse not better by changing the order and making you look fussy, indecisive and so feeble you can't even tell a waitress what you want to eat and he has to make up your mind for you!

Original poster
ChopinBored · 12/09/2010 14:54

Quiddity you summmed up very well how it made me look/feel.

Chasing - its alright, its been well and truly cleared up between us but you still haven't managed to pinpoint why I was an arse. I'm still not clear on what it was I did that makes me an arse in all this?

OP posts:
traceybath · 12/09/2010 14:57

Well yes your DH shouldn't have put you down/ignored you.

But chicken wings is a bit of an odd choice to order as nibbles to go with pre-dinner drinks.

So you're both unreasonable Wink

If he's normally fine - I'd just move on

ChasingSquirrels · 12/09/2010 14:59

well, I can't "pinpoint it" really, as it is a personal viewpoint based on a short summary. I read it and though "you are both being arses", mainly due the to "whatever" thing and your other responses - my reading of them was that kind of sulky, have it your own way response. Maybe they weren't.

Other people will have other readings won't they, and you have your own view on it.

Is it really "all cleared up"? In which case I honestly don't understand why you are posting about it.

angelberry · 12/09/2010 15:00

I'd have been pissed off with the waitress, tbh, for her 'okay, olives' comment, when you had asked for chicken wings.

Original poster
ChopinBored · 12/09/2010 15:02

Its all cleared up.

Its just that bearing in mind it wouldn't have been addressed or discussed at all if I hadn't given him a Hmm look, the alternative is not saying anything and letting him treat me that way.

It just seems as if you are saying if you challenge your husband in any way (and a whimsical look is about the least confrontational in a restaurant situation) then you are being an arse. Which seems so very 1950's let your husband put you down and order for you because if you challenge him you are an arse. Seems a little patriarchal.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 12/09/2010 15:02

YADNBU

I would have told him to enjoy his olives and flounced out, i really would. He was ignoring you, so let him eat alone.

I really disagree its a little thing, its these 'little' things of disrespect that add up to a very tense marriage. Forward ten years and you are the silent couple in the corner of the room, 'celebrating' your silver wedding anniversary in miserable silence.

Get him told, he patronised and ignored you, an a wedding anniversary of all days.

ChasingSquirrels · 12/09/2010 15:05

We obviously completely disagree as my viewpoint is far from what you describe.
I'm glad it is sorted and I'll leave the thread.

ginhag · 12/09/2010 15:05

TBH if my dp had said 'let's get some olives' I would have just assumed that's what he wanted, and at that point said, ok, and I want (insert desired item here, in your case this may or may not have been chicken wings.)

It sounds like one of those silly spats that happen all the time, and really not worth dwelling on. I really don't think it would have bothered me enough to want to analyse it the next day....

However, as this is aibu I guess someone will tell you to divorce him soon :)

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