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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was he being an arse or AIBU?

61 replies

ChopinBored · 12/09/2010 14:30

Went to a restaurant with DH last night to celebrate our wedding anniversary of 9 years.

The waitress came up to us to take our drinks order whilst we had the menu in front of us. I ordered a glass of fizz, and DH had a beer.

She asked us if we wanted anything while we waited - i.e olives etc. We looked at the menu where they had various appetiser type things, like olives, garlic bread, and barbecue chicken wings, strangely enough, so I went "ooh chicken wings" partly because I was surprised they had them as a little appetiser thing and partly because they did sound appealing, though I probably wouldn't have actually ordered them, as it seemed too substantial a choice. But then DH says, in front of the waitress, "you can't have CHICKEN WINGS" in a slightly shocked, disgusted voice, and said "lets get some Olives". So the waitress said "okay, olives" and walked off.

So I gave him a look. He said, "oh, sorry, did you really want the chicken wings?". I said, "well, not especially but it seems I didn't have a choice anyway, and if you are now asking my preference, I certainly dont fancy any olives, but anyway, have whatever you want".

I probably would have said this to him during the decision making process if the waitress hadn't been there - but I was a bit silenced (i.e shocked) by his weird anti-chicken wing outburst so decided not to make a scene (I didn't really care whether we had an appetiser or not)

Anyway he said "sorry, I didn't realise you wanted them so much". I said, look, I dont really want them as such, it was irritating the way you told me I couldn't have them like I was some kind of child, that's all.

The waitress then came back with our drinks and he then proceeded (despite me protesting when I realised what he was doing) to change the order from Olives to Chicken Wings. At that stage I just felt sorry for the waitress who probably didn't know who to listen to so I just sat there with flaming cheeks and let him reorder.

Its like he totally missed the point that it was him telling me I couldn't have them that was the issue, not whether I actually had them or not, and that he (a) embarrased me by telling me I couldn't have something in front of the waitress, and then (b) embarrased me again by changing the order as if my life depended on eating some chicken wings within the hour.

The chicken wings came, they were lovely, nice little morsels of chicken whilst we waited for our starters, and he enjoyed them as much as me. The ordering debacle wasn't mentioned again by either of us.

Was he behaving like a bit of an arse or did he just get it wrong?

OP posts:

JuicyLips · 12/09/2010 15:08

I would have been annoyed by this, but then realise he was trying to put it right by ordering what he thought you wanted. we all get things wrong sometimes and I think this is one of them. I'd forgive him and move on.

ginhag · 12/09/2010 15:08

Plus he obviously changed the order as he felt bad as was trying (clumsily) to do the right thing...is that not enough?

And the chicken wings were nice :)

booyhoo · 12/09/2010 15:15

this sort of thing is big no no for me. i would have been particularly pissedn off with him but i mightb be a bit oversensitive to it. you need to ask yourself is it part of a bigger problem or not. when i experienced it, it was. it mightn't be for you. i remember taking a packet of crisps and sitting beside Exp on the sofa. he looked at them and then at me and said "you don't really need those do you?" and then proceeded to take them out of my hand. cue massive fucking row!!! we split up soon after.

i can't deal with anyone trying to make a decision for me. so i would be pissed about that.

wideratthehips · 12/09/2010 15:28

hmmmm it was our 10th wedding anniversary last week and we went out for dinner. I has sea bass and asked for the head to be removed before it arrived...dh looked embarrassed, another waitress came with food...head still on but didn't get chance to wobble. 1st waitress came back with'everthing okay.....?' er no actually the heids still oan it (dh blushing)

later the waitress brought us soup spoons for our dessert, dh said....don't say anything!! but of course i said excuse me could we have dessert spoons

i don't think i was being arse but if dh had had a go at me about any of this he would have got it in the neck, reasonable requests i think

not much to do with the original OP but when your having a nice night out there shouldn't be any shocked disgusted voices

BrightLightBrightLight · 12/09/2010 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/09/2010 15:53

sounds like you where both unreasonable

he made a mistake tried to make it right and you are "whatever"

Original poster

ChopinBored · 12/09/2010 16:01

Thanks for all your replies.

He said later that he doesn't quite know why he said that about the chicken wings - it was his way of saying he thought it might be too substantial (which is what I also thought, and why I was then also miffed when he went on to order them - bearing in mind all I'd really said was "ooh chicken wings" rather than "I want chicken wings")

It was him who brought it up again, this morning - because he said he played the scenario back in his head and is worried he's turning into his father who was a bit of a controlling arse. I said whilst I was miffed, I think it probably just came out wrong based on the fact that he doesn't normally control or get arsey at things like that.

He realised this morning when we discussed it how it just further embarrased me by changing the order, but last night he was just trying to make amends, which I thought he was doing but I was still frustrated with him for doing so. I let it go last night because its certainly not worth ruining an evening over and had no intention of bringing it up this morning because I pretty much made my point about not telling me what I can and can't eat but was happy to discuss it when he brought it up.

When he said he was worried he was turning into his father, I said let me post it on AIBU because if you are perhaps showing signs of control or any of that stuff that I can't see, someone else will spot it!

I will tell him to let it go and move on, as many posters have said.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChopinBored · 12/09/2010 16:03

Boneyback, read the OP - he only realised he'd actually made a mistake and tried to right it AFTER I'd gone "whatever". If I hadn't challenged him with a "whatever" look, he wouldn't have known.

So if you are saying its unreasonable to challenge your DH if they undermnine you in public - another 1950's housewife by the looks of it

OP posts:

mumbar · 12/09/2010 16:07

OK read the whole thread and you responded as I was about to post - going to post it anyway ... just because

I think your DP had been an arse and tried to rectify it when you pulled him on it - unintentional arsyness is forgivable. But you are being an arse by compaining about him trying to rectify his arsyness. FGS woman you have a man who'll admit he's wrong and rectify it. Stop winging about it, put him on a leash and don't let him go

Cheers to hopefully many more anniverseries.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 12/09/2010 16:09

Divorce him

Original poster

ChopinBored · 12/09/2010 16:11

I'm willing to acknowledge that Mumbar now you've described it that way - it did cause me further embarrasment, but in fact the intention was good and it cancels out many arse-points gained in the first round.

It would have been less embarrasing in front of the waitress (and other couple sitting on top of us nearby) but he would have been more of an arse for not having tried (though I would remind the jury at this point that I wasn't particularly worried about having chicken wings, but by being told I couldn't, though that point is reasonably irrelevant)...

OP posts:

jamaisjedors · 12/09/2010 16:14

I am v. impressed that he went over it in his mind and was sorry.

As long as he has an eye out for this behaviour and is able to admit he is doing it, he is doing great I think.

Happy anniversary!

jabberwocky · 12/09/2010 16:15

OK, I am totally amazed that he brought it up again, worried that he is turning into his father and you still felt the need to post a thread. For goodness sakes, woman, kiss him and tell him it was no big deal. Or even better, have great make-up sex.

Bunnyjo · 12/09/2010 16:20

I agree with Mumbar.

happiestblonde · 12/09/2010 16:23

To me the real deal breaker here is a man who doesn't jump at chicken wings. Bin him. Find a new man to share your chickeny desires.

HappySlapper · 12/09/2010 17:24

I also agree with mumbar.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/09/2010 18:04

you said "whatever"

what is he supposed to do?

he was wrong to begin with but you put him in a position where he couldn't be right.

btw agree with mumbar

msyikes · 12/09/2010 18:10

I feel a bit sorry for DH as he clearly just blurted out and then has evidently spent the next 24 hours trying to rectify it!!
Totally agree with mumbar Even though being contradicted in public is a dreadful, annoying thing, continual passive aggressive vibes about it and the pettiness of bringing it up again after it was done and dusted is actually worse. Certainly no man should control what his wife eats, but it hardly sounds as though your dh is like this, it was a gut reaction, surely?
Of course you should have whatever you fancy but if this was to share then I quite agree with him that barbecue chicken wings were a bit of a yuk idea as a starter. Personally I can't imagine anything more horrible, especially for a nice romantic meal- euw! I would not want dh kissing me with bbq chicken wing breath, or touching me with chicken wingy bbq hands!!!!! Maybe dh was thinking on those lines?? Or trying to save money??? Are you pregnant, hence strange cravings? (not to mention disproportionate responses)
I think the restaurant putting chicken wings on as a starter was unreasonable.
The waitress was V unreasonable to take the man's word as final
Dh was unreasonable to an extent but rapidly tried to make amends.
You are BU now, as mumbar said, though NU to be annoyed at being contradicted.

msyikes · 12/09/2010 18:13

Chopinboard honestly, it sounds from your last post, which I have just reread, that YOU are in fact the controlling one in this instance.
e.g. 'was he being a bit of an arse or did he just get it wrong' er- what kind of qu is that? Not much room for debate!!
'I will tell him to let it go and move on' how kind of you!!!!

TrillianAstra · 12/09/2010 18:15

Having read the 'next morning' extra stuff - it all sounds fine. Don't worry about it. No big alarm bells or red flags or anything.

You both need to practice saying what you mean.

He could have said 'I don't think chicken wings are really a pre-dinner nibble' rather than 'you can't have chicken wings' and you could have said 'I was only commenting, not necessarily ordering, and you it is insulting of you to tell me what I can or can't have' rather than 'whatever' (which is a very unhelpful utterance).

mumbar · 12/09/2010 18:21

ROFL at all the agree with with mumbar's - do you realise your agreeing with the woman who's DP cheated on her when DS was 13months and has been single ever since.

Reassuring to know if I was in a relationship theres the potential I get would it right

SleepingLion · 12/09/2010 18:22

See, at the 'Let's get some olives' stage, I would have said 'Ew - you can't have OLIVES' in a jokey tone to reflect to him how he was behaving. And then would have ordered garlic bread.

But since you didn't care whether you had an appetiser or not, I think you are being a bit over-sensitive and making a big of a big deal about a fairly minor thing.

ISNT · 12/09/2010 18:35

I think the waitress was BU. Clearly there was more chicken/olives conversation & decision making to be had, but she decided that the man's reaction against chicken and his pro-olive stance was the final word and made the decision for the couple. She should have either waited to see how the conversation progressed, or said she's come back in a minute.

TrillianAstra · 12/09/2010 18:43

Yes, the waitress should have said 'I'll get your drinks while you decide' and let you fight it out.

ninah · 12/09/2010 18:46

sometimes being single is such a relief

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