Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DS in nursery?

33 replies

soupsmum · 10/09/2010 13:31

I have just returned to work after being off almost two years. Ds who is 17 months is cared for by his gran while I am at work Mon-Fri 12pm-5pm. She also has him overnight on a Sat.

I applied for him to have two or three afternoons a week at nursery which MIL and DH disagree to.
Today I get a call from the nursery offering Tue Wed and Fri afternoons to start asap, I call DH and he is really upset that I'm thinking of going through with this.

His mother is retired though fit to look after DS, i just feel he is there more than he is at home with us.

Would you have your DS at nursery when you have MIL to look after him?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 10/09/2010 13:35

no, i woul,dn'/t

i would much prefer my children to be looked after by a willing and able grandparent than by a nursery

but at the end of the day he is your child so it's up to you, tho i would say you do need to be in agreement with your husbanmd

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/09/2010 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
soupsmum · 10/09/2010 13:40

I just feel its a lot to take on he has certainly found his feet wont sit still, and I feel a tad guilty that he is there every day and I know how difficult it can be doing shopping running erands with an active baby. It can be exhausting sometimes and i want her to continue enjoying having him, i dont want her tired of running after our baby.

OP posts:
Bagpusstree · 10/09/2010 13:42

No, I think its good for young children to be in nursery or similar to gain some social skills. My DS has been going since he turned 2, (he is 3yr 4months now), and is then picked up by my parents who look after him for the remaining hours I work- part time. Until today he only went 2 mornings a week, this term he has started an extra afternoon too. He truly loves going, then he has time with his grandparents, and of course time at home with his parents. It certainly hasn't damaged him in any way, quite the opposite. I would say he is more confident with people he doesn't know, and is learning to be in a situation close to school life which will be starting next year. I wouldn't want to have chucked him into school without ever having been away from people he knows before.....

Original poster
soupsmum · 10/09/2010 13:43

Excatly my argument also Stewie, i feel he needs to interact more with babies and be doing activities, I believe it will help his development. Also it means i can drop him off on way to work which means more time in the morn.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 10/09/2010 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bagpusstree · 10/09/2010 13:46

I agree, grandparents should enjoy their grandchildren. They have done their bit in bringing up children already. It can be a long day looking after a young child as we all know!

elportodelgato · 10/09/2010 13:49

soupsmum we have DD in nursery and she really loves it. I don't have any willing grandparents nearby to do childcare but TBH I think I'd prefer to send her to nursery anyway even if we did. She has loads of friends, gets to mix with lots of other kids from all kinds of backgrounds I think it's really good for her, she loves it. Nurseries are set up for kids - it's not like having them at home where (IME) you are always trying to do other things as well like getting to the shops, making dinner, doing the laundry etc., at nursery it's just all about play and discovery.]

Also, although I don't have any issues with my parents / PIL, I would hate to have to have a conversation with any of them about what I wanted them to do in terms of care. My dad and stepmum have done things with her in the past which were not as I would have done them and I have had to bite my lip because I can see it would lead to a row because it's so personal. With a nursery, if you don't like what they're doing you can deal with it in a more detached way

Original poster
soupsmum · 10/09/2010 14:04

Thank you everyone, I can feel myself relax over this subject alreay. I have an appointment next week to have a look around though i am familiar with the nursey as all 5 nephews went. Hopefully i can get DH and MIL to come along.

Bagpuss your right thay have done there bit as parents, I want them to enjoy being grandparents.

Novicemama, i second everything you say re: friends, mixing in, being confident in themselves and it being set up entirely for kids. What age have you had DD at nursery?

OP posts:
mrsunreasonable · 10/09/2010 14:32

IMO a grandparent is there for being a grandparent i.e spoiling, pandering, babying and whilst this has it's place I wouldn't want it as a full time childcare situation. My LO's spend 4 days at nursery and 1 day at Nanas house and they are so well behaved/knackered from a busy but exciting day at nursery whereas after a day at Nanas where they have had their every whim pandered too they are little brats!

I also feel so sorry for the old dears I see in town pushing a buggy and trying to deal with toddler tantrums, they have done their mothering bit they should now be free to play with their grandkids and enjoy them but defer to the Parents when they are tantruming etc!

elportodelgato · 10/09/2010 14:54

I've had DD in nursery from 11mo - 3 days a week at first, then I went to fulltime so she was fulltime from about 15mo

We have been lucky in that she settled in instantly with no tears, no separation anxiety, very happy to wave us off and then happy to see us again at the end of the day. She loves it there (though a little clingy at the moment, I think because I am pregnant and she knows there is a baby coming).

One thing I would say is that if your DH and MIL are totally against the idea, your DS may well pick up on this and may become anxious because of it. I'm not saying this is true in all cases, but some of my friends who really agonised over the nursery decision found that their children took a long time to settle. Having observed parents saying long emotional lingering weepy goodbyes at the nursery door, you can see why kids pick up on the stress levels and react accordingly. The best thing I did to help DD with the transition was to wave her off with a big hug and a smile and do my crying once I was out of sight Smile

usualsuspect · 10/09/2010 15:01

Old dears Shock I look after my dgc sometimes while my dd works, but she uses a child minder as well ..a mix of both sounds ok to me

themothershipcalling · 10/09/2010 15:05

I send my DD to Nursery and she loves it. She gets me do all sorts of messy stuff that I just wouldn't do with her and the focus is totally on the children.

If my Mum was retired I would still send DD to nursey - maybe drop one day.

Agree with novicemama though, if you're not sure about the idea then you DS will pick up on this.

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/09/2010 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsunreasonable · 10/09/2010 15:09

For the record I was talking about those grandparents who perhaps need a little looking after themselves when I said "old dears" (I realise I probably shouldn't have used this term) not the younger Nanas who are better than I am at handling the kids, the shopping etc. My LO's Nana is 48 and cannot in anyway be considered an "old dear" I'll go and sit in the hole I've just dug Blush

usualsuspect · 10/09/2010 15:13

Its ok mrsunreasonable...I knew what you meant Grin

hairytriangle · 10/09/2010 15:20

could you and your DH compromise?

hidetheelephant · 10/09/2010 15:25

Why is it you think it is better for him to be at nursery more than he is at home opposed to being with Gran, more than he is at home?

hidetheelephant · 10/09/2010 15:29

Also what time would you have to drop him off/pick him up with Gran and what time would you have to drop him off/pick him up with nursery?

Thirdly do you think she feels like she has some sort of duty to look after DS, or do you think she truly wants to? Some people hate taking toddlers to the shops, bank etc (I do when I'm in a rush) but some people love it and make a complete game out of it (I do if I have a whole day and it doesn't matter how long it takes) If Gran has always got all the time in the world perhaps she enjoys taking DS along on her errands, showing him off to her friends etc?

Original poster
soupsmum · 10/09/2010 15:30

I am 100% sure it's the right thing for DS i have no seperation issues, though I am expecting him to be a bit reluctant to let go, this is something i will have to grin and bear, and like novicemama do my crying when i leave. I think i may have to show DH this thread and hope he realises that DS can only benefit from two afternoons of funfilled energeitc activities and wee small people of his own size. Smile

OP posts:
Maria2007loveshersleep · 10/09/2010 15:37

It sounds ideal, mornings with grandmother & afternoons at nursery, I think this provides quite a good balance.

What are your husband's objections, and also your MIL's objections? I'm curious about that. 3 afternoons at nursery is really not a lot, it's a good balance of 1-1 care & a more sociable environment, as I see it. And I think children really enjoy the company of other children from early on, contrary to what lots of people seem to suggest nowadays- that the need to socialise starts later. I think it starts really early, actually, but if they stay really really long hours at nursery very early on the only minus is they might get a bit overstimulated/tired. But with 3 afternoons, there's no chance of that happening!

Original poster
soupsmum · 10/09/2010 15:43

I could compromise by going for two afternoons rather than the three being offered, DH just has to come to the nursery and see the surroundings for himself i think.

It's not that i think he would be better off at nursery more than he is at home as it would be from 12pm -4pm Wed and Fri, i just think that it would break up his week while being away from me, meaning that he wont be at grans five days as two of them would be like fun days with friends and activities. And your right she does love taking him on herrands she makes the most of it by taking him on the bus because he loves busses. She calls it a labour of love, which i am truly grateful for. I honestly do believe he will benefit from going to nursery these two days and then gran can also have a rest.

OP posts:
Original poster
soupsmum · 10/09/2010 15:49

Maria2007loveshersleep Sorry i may not have been clear he is with me in mornings Gran takes him about 11.20am. If he goes to nursery i would drop him there at 12pm on way to work.
DH concerns are that he is too young, and he can't explain to us if anything happens goes wrong. MIL hasnt really had any concerns she just thinks why bother when she is available.

OP posts:
Maria2007loveshersleep · 10/09/2010 19:57

Oh so MIL will then have him on the 2 days, then 3 days will be at nursery, and the mornings with you? Even better balance, I think :)

He's not too young at 17 months, this is all very relative, it really depends on the child & on how good the nursery is. You would know, I think, if it didn't feel right, and you say you have no concerns. And it's not as if he's going 8-6 every day, he's going 3 afternoons a week which is ideal (even children that go full time from early on sometimes do very well at nursery).

Tootlesmummy · 10/09/2010 20:04

I work full time and my IL's look after my DS 2 days per week, they did offer to do more but I think that's a nice balance as he gets their full attention 2 days per week. 3 days per week he gets to mix with other children and does other activities which he wouldn't do with his grandparents.

I also think it's nice as it socialises them before they go to school.