to be rude and curt - I came across as up myself.

[JaneS]

I'm a postgrad student and live a long way away from my university - this makes good sense as I live very near to the material I need to use to study. However, I've don't know the other students as well as I would if I lived nearby.

I didn't realize, but apparently at this university/department, it is normal for people to boast on facebook and in person about every latest achievement/problem. They seem hugely supportive of each other so I think this is great. Naturally though, I don't do this, so some of the other students have been assuming that, since I didn't let them know I'd done x,y and z of my degree, I was very thick and struggling.

I am actually doing fine. I've had a lot of barbed comments but didn't realize why, until recently. Someone got in touch to tell me that I shouldn't worry about being behind schedule because she was, and I shouldn't worry about academic conferences because she's never attended one.

I was really annoyed and since then, whenever someone asks, I say I am doing fine and glad I'm not so behind as to have never attended a proper conference. I've said it about four times and I feel petty now, but a bit satisfied.

AIBU? It is very bitchy but I'm amazed at adults being so rude and childish in the first place, but may be overreacting.

Facebook is for teenagers....just ignore....treat it the same as playground gossip.

YANBU - bet you're glad you DON'T live near them if they're so bitchy! Nice of that other student to contact you though.

What a strange way for them to work! Presumably these are all PG students too (i.e. adults??)

scurry - I know! I use it, but only socially. I don't understand using it for work

stealth - yes, they're all PG, and many of them are older than me. But they use facebook as a nice way of keeping in touch, so I think it isn't immature of them to do that. More to the point is that I really don't like the idea of updating with 'OOH, LRD has just written 50, 000 words, yay!', so they think I've not done anything. I do use facebook but only socially and if I update about my degree, it's usually because I am feeling a bit excited, not because I've done something important.

I dunno ... I know I'm not good at networking and I am nervous that if I can't network like this, I will never get far.

Facebook is the work of the passive aggressive devil. BUT that student who got in touch with you might have said what she did to make you feel better and if she hears you making pointed comments such as 'glad I'm not so behind as to have never attended a proper conference' she is going to think you are less than nice.

Yeah, that's what I worry abou Ingrid. But I do find it annoying that I have so many people telling me I'm not doing well and patronizing me, who're obviously failing (you don't really get a job in academia if you've never been to a proper conference, as far as I know - unless your publication record is amazing!). I could start posting self-important updates on my facebook, and I would if I only used it for this university, but I don't - I also have friends who're ex-students and family waiting to get undergraduate degrees, so it isn't appropriate.

Oh bloody Facebook. Why do so many people think something hasn't actually occured unless it's been posted on Facebook? I recently reactivated my account after deleting it a few months ago, and I have since had several people say things to me like "you're back, where did you go?" or "I tried to contact you before but you'd deleted your Facebook account". WTF?! I only deleted my frigging Facebook account, I still continued to exist.

So yeah, all very odd, they obviously operate in some strange alternate reality where you can't possibly have done something unless you've written about it on Facebook.

Being a bit detached as a postgrad student has its pluses and minuses, pluses are you don't get bogged down in all the social stuff and boasting but the minuses are no-one knows what you are up to and you may be missing out on postgrad events/meetings or departmental talks.

SO; I wouldn't give a monkey's what the other students think of you, they will not be employing you. However, I would give a monkey's about creating a bit of a profile for yourself amongst people who do count, such as your tutors/departmental staff (presumably your supervisor knows you are good, proceeding on time and attending the right conferences etc). There's no point hiding your light under a bushel sometimes, and unfortunately, I've come to the conclusion that in academia, that being a up yourself boaster does get people somewhere...

Ah, welcome to academia, LRD...it IS rather bitchy and competetive, isn't it? Not of course the only environment where pushy and self-promoting people often get ahead, though...

cornettos gives excellent advice. So long as you are prepared to stand up for yourself and advertise your qualities in situations like job applications and interviews (this is really important, and something that many good people don't do very well - so they miss out to less good people who are more compelling self-promoters), then don't worry about the jostling among your fellow students. TBH I'd try to avoid engaging in it yourself if you can as eventually, down the line when they have grown up a bit you might find them useful sources of support/discussion.

One, my supervisor knows me and I go to conferences and to talks at the city where I live (which has a decent university too). I suspect I know more people, not less, because I commute: I know the people in the city where I live, and in the city where my university is. It just never occurred to me I should be boasting to other PhDs that I've written my chapter or had my latest supervisory meeting.

aqua - is it? Eek.

The thing is, the vast majority of push people I've met are students. I've only met the odd academic who is pushy or rude. Maybe that's just because the academics can afford to be nice and the students can't - but I still don't see why people who're my age feel the need to be this bitchy. It's not getting them anywhere, as we're competing to be approved by the academics, not by each other!

The stereotype and cliche is that many people go into academia because they don't have the social skills to deal with real life. Like many stereotypes, I think this one has some truth in it. Whereas every trendy and confident teenager knows that boasting on FB is so not cool, not every thirtysomething academic has yet realised it.

So really, I shouldn't get into the crap of it.

Ok latte. I'm not sure if you mean I'm more useless than a teenager or they are, so a bit unsure how to take that. FWIW, I was just asking if it was wrong of me to be a bit rude back, not if I should be swayed by facebook, which is a side issue. i

I do think that if you looked at most businesses, 25-year-olds (even trainees) probably aren't likely to use facebook as a tool for promoting themselves, but I may be being ridiculously idealistic about business.

FB is the work of the devil.

LRD, as an aside, have you never fancied the IMC in Leeds? It's where DH and and I met, don't you know?

PGs can be a v twitchy breed, esp if they hang out together all the time. They feed each other's neuroses, and so are probably quite bothered that you appear not to be neurotic...

I'm not postgrad - thirdyear undergrad- but I have also found that people just love to boast. I can think of one example of a fellow student boasting last month that she'd worked through the reading list for next year and drafted three essays. Why? And how, without an essay title?

At the other end of the scale you have the competitive slackers who delight in updating you that they've only twelve hours left until hand in and haven't done a thing! Really! Gosh, the madcap daredevils!
Just as tedious.

But, if you stop Facebooking right now, it'll all go away Leave the eejits to work each other up into a frenzy and remember that FB is just a way to keep stupid people off the streets .

so you've been catty to the one person who tried to make you feel better?

jeez

Hello Habbibu.

I'm afraid I'm so ignorant I'm not sure what the IMC is - international medieval congress? I do want to go to Kalamazoo but I'm not sure I've much that fits in with the sessions this year.

I am just struggling with a problem atm, and though the grown-up academics are very nice, I'd love to know how someone at my level would cope. The people in my home town are very nice, but it's really annoying to find that every time I ask one of the other PhDs at my university, they get competitive. It's completely useless as none of us are working in the same areas, even!

'I'm not postgrad - thirdyear undergrad- but I have also found that people just love to boast. I can think of one example of a fellow student boasting last month that she'd worked through the reading list for next year and drafted three essays. Why? And how, without an essay title?'

at tippy!

Zoo Schmoo. IMC is better and cheaper. Not that I've been to kzoo, but all the chat about put me off.

You should think about IMC - you'll meet people in same area, and it's pretty good. Call for papers is here and you don't have to fit with a theme - just submit whatever title you want and they'll fit you in.

Yes, warthog, I guess so. It's just I doubt their motives for 'comforting' me - it felt more like putting me in my place! And - nice as some people are - you have to admit it's annoying to be comforted about failure when you're not actually failing (yet).

To give you an idea, I've had a 'kind' lecture from one of the older PhDs about how I should work harder and haven't understood how important it is to get my word count up. I did tell her I've got 3 chapters down so am on target, but she didn't seem to take it in. She's two years ahead of me and has all of one more chapter done - I'm sorry, but it is difficult and annoying!

Oooh, ok! I should submit ... I'm just nervy. I love my work, it's just that I want someone to bounce off with ideas, and the people here where I live are great, but they don't do interdisciplinary work, so not so useful.

(Sorry, that was a reply to habbibu)

fair enough.

better to give benefit of the doubt i think. but sounds like you don't need them so doesn't matter if you burn bridges.

Well - I've spent a year biting my tongue and only just said anything, how long would you like me to give them 'the benefit of the doubt' for?

her the benefit of doubt. not them.