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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to have biological children.

41 replies

TheCrunchyNutter · 07/09/2010 17:32

Hello everyone,

I have been lurking for a while but have not posted yet.

My husband and I are 26, have been married for five years and now feel like we're ready to start a family. We both love children and can't wait to have our own.

The thing is, we have discussed it and we think that there are so many children in need of good homes that we think that we would rather adopt. We would be happy to have a child who is slightly older, a child who has disabilities or behavioural problems or even a pair of siblings - all children who can be difficult to place.

We know that the adoption process is long and difficult and that it may be hard if the child that we adopt has many needs however we will prepare ourselves as much as we can and feel that we can offer a good home and will love our adopted child/children as much as biological children. We both have experience with a variety of children.

The problem has been that when we told our families, instead of being congratulatory and happy they all are upset. My mother thinks that it will be unfair that she will not get a biological grandchild. People have said that they and even we will not love the child as much and that we will miss out on the baby years.

I know that it is a sacrifice to miss out on the baby years but we think that there will be so many good things that this will not be a problem.

Are we being unreasonable to want this and to want our families to support us or do people think, like our families do, that as we have not had a biological child that we don't understand and will regret it one day?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 07/09/2010 17:34

yanbu

you cant live your life to suit your family!!

good luck!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/09/2010 17:36

YANBU. Good luck. :)

SirBoobAlot · 07/09/2010 17:38

No, YANBU. I'm sorry your family are not being more supportive. I hope they come round soon; I'm shocked by your mothers comment. Good luck with your adoption process, there is an adoption section on here you might find helpful.

Oh, and if someone comments about missing out the baby years, respond, "I know... All that missed sleep I'm going to get, all those nappies I'm not going to change... Such a shame..." Wink

loopyloops · 07/09/2010 17:40

I think you are brilliant. I felt/feel like this but had to give DH "his" children first. Angry Well done, the world needs more people like you and your DH.

As for grandparents, sod them.

loopyloops · 07/09/2010 17:41

And "they won't love them as much"? WHAT? Divorce the relatives who say such horrible things.

overmydeadbody · 07/09/2010 17:44

YANBU, it's great that you will be giving a child a loving homewho hasn;t got a biological family to do so.

You shouldn't be so harsh on your mum, she will come round but she needs to go through the mourning of not having a biological child, it is different, wanting biological offspring is innate, you need to give her time to come to terms with it.

Once you actually have a child, no doubt she will love it like she would any other grandchild, biological or not.

FakePlasticTrees · 07/09/2010 17:45

Well, you are relatively young, so if you do decide later on that as well as having an adopted child, you also want a biological child, I don't really see why you can't do both.

Your Mum will come round, I don't know any grandparents of adopted children who don't love them like they were their biological grandchild.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 07/09/2010 17:48

wow. Amazing that adoption is your Plan A, as for a lot of people, it's their Plan B, when other avenues fail.

I think it's brilliant that you want to adopt. It's a genetic thing for a lot of people, and having to have roots. Some families are more welcoming than others. My great uncle, for instance, when some children were adopted into the family, he immediately added them to the family tree and gave their mother a copy. Smile

But be sure and find out whether your mom will be interviewed as part of the process? I don't know.

The baby years are very over rated Wink

sorrento56 · 07/09/2010 17:50

I don't think you can live your life through others desires. My MIL is against us adopting but unless she is channeling Doctor Who and is going to turn into me, she has no influence.

I understand the older generations wanting a biological grandchild but adoption means that child is yours and therefore their grandchild.

sterrryerryoh · 07/09/2010 17:51

Not being unreasonable - of course not. Lots of people do decide to adopt rather than try and conceive, but there is a hugely long road of you ahead, if you decide to go down that path, and there are so many hurdles to jump, that it really isn?t worth upsetting your family dynamic over something that is uncertain and far into the future.
The adoption journey will set you - and your family - on a training process, and you will start to understand much more the needs of the adopted child - because it actually turns out to be nothing to do with your needs, and everything to do with the needs of that child.
You won?t necessarily miss out on the ?baby years? - my son was 5 months old when he came to live with us, but just as a note of caution: adopted children need a completely different kind of parenting, and no matter how old they are when they come to live with you, sleepless nights and ?messy protests? are very very common in children who have suffered early trauma - as all adopted children will have.

Adopting a child is a wonderful thing, but there are lots of informed decisions that you will need to make. Posting on the adoption section here, or joining AdoptionUK might help you with the start of this process. Many adopters, however, do come to adoption through infertility, and you genuinely will need to be completely committed to adoption, - even to the point of using contraception further down the road - so please be certain before you embark on this path. Why not phone your local adoption agency and find out when their next information evening is? It?s the best place to start.

And just to address the point about your family - some family members may never ?get it? - my parents absolutely love and adore their grandson, and couldn?t possibly love him more. DH?s parents aren?t quite so enamoured. When you adopt a child, the hole family will have to adapt, and to be honest, sometimes you just end up cutting people out of your life. It?s the most emotional thing that I have ever done, and also the most wonderful - but adopting was (to me) harder than TTC AND IVF combined.

Good luck, and take it a step at a time

sterrryerryoh · 07/09/2010 17:52

*whole family. Not hole!

RedRosie · 07/09/2010 17:52

YANBU. If you were my daughter I would be very proud.

burgerandchipswithredsauce · 07/09/2010 17:53

YANBU. I wish you all the best x

sanielle · 07/09/2010 17:56

I think it is great OP, it was my first choice but dh wanted to have his "own" first.. and due to personal stuff we would have had to put off the adoption procsess for a while. Think it is good you told your family now, you may need them during the process to vouch for you etc.

Incredibly selfish of them however to say you should get pregnant and GIVE BIRTH, and raise an infant cause they want someone biolgical for a grandbaby!

Lots of luck to you xx

DownToTheLakeIFear · 07/09/2010 18:00

YANBU

BUT I think for a lot of people it would seem a strange one.

I think for most people the biological urge to reproduce with their partner is very strong, and this is probably why it could baulk with family members, like your mother who wants to see her genes continued. (I suppose that's an evolutionary issue - but that's another thread entirely). I suspect your mother is grieving in some way for her dream of biological grandchildren. Maybe you could show her this thread so she can understand the impact of your altruism.

sallyseton · 07/09/2010 18:04

Yanbu, what you're doing is wonderful and brave and I wish you all the luck in the world.

However, I can sort of see where your mum is coming from. If I didn't end up with even one bio grandchild I would be disappointed initially- but I hope I wouldn't express it! And of course, if my dc adopted I would have grandchildren. Relationships are what counts, not genes.

It was very thoughtless of her to tell you how she felt. As you are still young do you think she hopes you can change your mind?

sterrryerryoh · 07/09/2010 18:06

That?s a really good point DownToTheLakeIFear - When going through the process, you genuinely have to grieve for the unborn child you will never have. And don?t underestimate the impact this can have on extended family members - particularly grandparents, as they will need to grieve too. I shouldn?t be too hard on your Mum - involve her in your planning, and maybe get her to come along with you to info evenings,

zazen · 07/09/2010 18:13

I think you should wait to have any kids at all - either your own or adopted. 25 is very young to even think about kids IMHO.

Travel a bit and maybe work in childrens' charities abroad. You may well change your mind when your own biological clock starts to tick. Maybe your Dh will start to feel the need for a bio kid sooner than you- maybe he's not very paternal, and you'll want to have a bio kid in your 30s.
Maybe you will never ever want to hold your own little baby in your arms and look into her tiny face and know her like you've never known anyone before.

I would wait and see tbh.

I understand where your own parents are coming from, and I see you have a lot to give also.

I would wait to have any kind of kid and work with children until you are 30 or so and then see how you feel.

Chatelaine · 07/09/2010 18:14

Yanbu but I can understand your relative's feelings. Doesn't really signify as you would not have any family to please your relatives if you were in your right mind. Loving families will get used to most things given time to prepare etc. Why did you drop the bomb shell this early on? Before you set your sights, as it were, why not apply to the relevant adoption agencies/local authorities to get the ball rolling. The process will certainly take more than the usual 9 months, and that's if you're lucky and are acceptable.

Quattrocento · 07/09/2010 18:16

We started down the adoption route but gave up. It was just something that DH wasn't prepared to do, and to be honest, once I started the path of preparing for adoption weekends and learning about attachment disorders and being vetted by Social Services and all the rest of it, I had reservations as well.

So in a long-winded way I am trying to say that this is the only the first and possibly the smallest of many hurdles. It's a good thing you are doing. Good luck to you.

Original poster
TheCrunchyNutter · 07/09/2010 18:16

Thank you so much everyone for your kind support.

I will print out this thread and show it to my mum. I think that you are right that once she actually has an adopted grandchild that she will love him/her as her own.

I will involve her as much as possible in the process.

Thanks for the advice sterrryerryoh. We will go to the next adoption open evening. From what I've read already it takes about three years - is that the experience that you had? We are both fully committed to this and have discussed it between us for the past two years - contraception is not a problem - I use the contraceptive implant so there's no doubts there.

I know it will be a long, difficult road but both me and my husband can't help but being a little excited.

OP posts:
sterrryerryoh · 07/09/2010 18:17

It took us 2 years and 3 months from initial enquiry to DS coming home - - and we were remarkably quick, to be honest.
It?s been almost 3 years now, and we still haven?t been to court for the adoption order. I agree, I think it really is a good idea to wait until you?ve made some enquiries before a) deciding this is the route for you and b) involving your extended family

sanielle · 07/09/2010 18:18

zazen they are both 26 it will take a couple years to aopt. I think they are being quite sensible doing it now. But at the end of the day when a person chooses to have children is very personal and shoudln't be commented on

sterrryerryoh · 07/09/2010 18:19

Sorry - that message ended a little abruptly - I meant to add - it really is very exciting, and I wish all the love and luck in the world to you and you DH

larakitten · 07/09/2010 18:19

Didn't want to read and not post....I think what you are doing is very admirable and hope that your family can see that and come to support you.

Good luck!