to not want to have biological children.

[TheCrunchyNutter]

Hello everyone,

I have been lurking for a while but have not posted yet.

My husband and I are 26, have been married for five years and now feel like we're ready to start a family. We both love children and can't wait to have our own.

The thing is, we have discussed it and we think that there are so many children in need of good homes that we think that we would rather adopt. We would be happy to have a child who is slightly older, a child who has disabilities or behavioural problems or even a pair of siblings - all children who can be difficult to place.

We know that the adoption process is long and difficult and that it may be hard if the child that we adopt has many needs however we will prepare ourselves as much as we can and feel that we can offer a good home and will love our adopted child/children as much as biological children. We both have experience with a variety of children.

The problem has been that when we told our families, instead of being congratulatory and happy they all are upset. My mother thinks that it will be unfair that she will not get a biological grandchild. People have said that they and even we will not love the child as much and that we will miss out on the baby years.

I know that it is a sacrifice to miss out on the baby years but we think that there will be so many good things that this will not be a problem.

Are we being unreasonable to want this and to want our families to support us or do people think, like our families do, that as we have not had a biological child that we don't understand and will regret it one day?

I think it´s a lovely idea although I can also see your parents POV.

That said, your mother doesn´t have a right to a grandchild-biological or otherwise!

Zazen - the OP invited comment on this very personal subject. Do you mean OP should not have shared her thoughts?

YANBU, I have always felt a sort of need/want to adopt for the reasons you stated, and hope one day I still will.
We have two biological DCs who are still very young, we might have more too, but I still would love to adopt an older child when the time is right for our family.
As someone else said, you are still young- there is no reason why you can't do both (if you decided you wanted to experience the baby years)

It is not about other people. The decision to have children is between you and your DH.

I can understand they might be a bit surprised but I think it is a really nice thing to do. Good luck.

you should be able to get a non-bio child,we have non-bio washing powder

Deprived of a biological grandchild? Your mum sounds like she will be a bit of a nightmare when you do have a child, biological or not, she sounds like one who would call it 'my baby'.

My nan said the same thing when my cousin started the adoption process, now my cousin's adopted son is my nan's favourite grandchild!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Also, I think 26 is a reasonable age to be starting a family.

Many people do struggle with the idea of an adopted member of the family, though, and if TheCrunchyNutter is close to her family, then they will be impacted by adoption. Of course the decision is OP?s and DH?s to make, but having an adopted child in the family mostly comes with a plethora of issues, and will involve the extended family if they are close enough (and it sounds as thought they are)

I adore and love my son with everything I have and am, but there is a part of me that aches that I will never see DH or me in his physicality - it?s amazing how much is placed on genetics and biology, and you don?t always notice it until it is absent. How many hundreds of times to people - friends/family/strangers say things like ?He?s got your eyes? or ?you used to look at me just like that?.
As an adoptive parent, these issues are discussed and emotionally resolved - but for grandparents, it is harder to come to terms with the fact that your grandchild won?t inherit anything biologically from you, and will have a whole other family in his/her history.
Just think - if OP adopts an older child, who has been subject to abuse in the family home, but has had a very loving relationship with biological grandparents who are physically unable to care for that child - when the child is adopted by OP (or similar) that child will already have grandparents with whom he or she has forged a bond, and may well have a contact order to visit. Now imagine OP?s Mum being placed in that situation - it isn?t her decision, but she will certainly be impacted, and is right to express her opinions.

During adoption home study, the views and opinions of adopter?s family are discussed at length, Whilst it won?t necessarily impact an adoption panel?s decision ultimately, it is important that there is honesty, for the sake of future harmony and the wellbeing of that child

YANBU at all. I have 2 bio siblings and 1 adopted and I love them all equally, my DP has an adopted sibling too and the same applies. In my experience biology does not make a family, love and shared experiences create that bond. My brother moved in with us at 2, he's now 19 and a kind, funny, engaging and well adjusted young man, he came from a troubled background, he's of a different ethnicity than my parents and they tell me they were judged and questioned by friends and family. They and my brother proved everyone wrong, children adapt and consistency and love they begin to feel safe and find a sense of identity within their adoptive family. My brother looks like my dad! they use the same facial expressions and sound alike..

We plan to adopt as well as have bio kids, I fell pregnant by accident at 27 and I'm grateful for the experience of pregnancy and looking forward to nurturing my baby but I don't think that means I won't form an equally strong bond with future adoptive kids, it'll just form in a different way. Good luck!

crunchy I have both birth and adopted children and I can honestly say the love I feel for my adopted dd is no differant to that I feel for my birth children.

I know my mother and in laws were worried about wether they could love an adopted child as much as the others. A year on from her adoption all worries have been forgotten she is loved just as much as the other GC.

Good luck, I am also a foster carer and see so many older or more difficult children who are desperate for a loving family.

I would add my voice to those who have said that your mother will come round. My DP physically had my daughter and for a long time my mother found it very hard to forgive me for depriving her of a biological grandchild (her word!) - and totally guilt-tripped me about it. After DD was born she even said to me 'well, but she's not your child' . I feel so connected to my little girl that I often forget that we are not related - it comes up sometimes in social situations - it's a special bond. But two things - my mother has come round (DD is 19 months now) even though she's not much of a baby person, and secondly, I think you and DH are fantastic to be thinking this way. There are so many children who need loving, sensible, thoughtful parents and it's great that you have really thought about what parenting might actually be like (I think most couples really don't think about it or why they want to do it - being gay, obviously it has to be a very active decision). If it were possible I think we would choose to adopt a second, rather than have a biological child.

IMHO means in my humble opinion.

And IMHO 26 is young to think of having kids of any origin.

Now, I'm not living in the UK, so maybe my opinion will be disregarded out of hand, as I'm not British, but I do have an opinion, and I believe that I'm allowed express it.

In the country I live, people aren't allowed to adopt if they can have kids themselves. You need to prove you are infertile. You need to have X amount of money and own your own house. You need to be not too tall, not too fat and depending on the educational status of the boi parents of the baby / child being adopted, you can have too many qualifications.

The process is long and arduous, and pretty hostile TBH.

Hence the wait and see approach.

BTW I found that one particular type of contraception I used removed my libido and my natural urge to have children. So maybe wait and see without the hormonal implant as contraception.

My main concern is that when the OP goes off her hormonal contraception that she might feel very different about having a little baby of her own, and by then her heart could be broken if her house is full of adopted kids.

Life is not a clear run. It's complicated and messy. Wanting a child of your own is not a very alien desire.

So my advice is to wait and see - come off the hormonal contraception and see if your mind changes as your own hormones kick in.

It would be a real shame if you adopted and then found that you wanted a bio kid of your own and then loved your bio kid more.

This happened to may couples round where I grew up and the adopted kids all turned out badly whilst their younger (miracle) bio sibs were loved, and didn't end up on heroin.

But having said that if you want to be on hormonal contraception throughout your entire reproductive life and maybe never know your own biological imperatives, well things may work out well for you with an adopted child.

To me it sounds like you have a lot to give and I wish you and your family well.

YANBU - at all

As said already, if you were my daughter I would be incredibly proud of you

YANBU, I would like to do the same thing, all other things being equal, as I have no strong feelings about biological relationships, and would definitely prefer to avoid the whole pregnancy/childbirth thing!

Not keen on going through the whole intrusive vetting and approval process though - I'm very reserved and private and can't bear the thought of people digging into my personal life. Have friends who've been through this, and while it was worth it for them because they now have a wonderful dd, it really sounds like my worst nightmare and I'd probably get defensive and make an awful impression. Wouldn't be surprised if a few issues from my past came up as a problem as well :(

I don't think 26 is too young to start a family, btw, especially if you've been married for 5 years so obviously in a stable relationship!

Seems like there's a very narrow window in which people think it's acceptable for women to have children - if you were 36 some would be saying you were too old!