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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being p*@$ed off with DH??

37 replies

PandaEis · 07/09/2010 11:08

my DH started a new job today which looks like it will be more long term than alot of others (he is a self-employed electrician). he didnt have to be at the office-2 minutes drive down the road- until 9AM. i have to get the bus to work which takes me 45mins and i have to be at work at 9:30am.

DD started school yesterday and has to be in school at 8:50am.

DH insisted that if he took DD he would be late for his first day in the new job. DDs school backs onto our house and is literally a 2min walk there and back. DH refused to help get DD ready and walked out of the door at 8:45 and said he had to go or he would be late leaving me to get DD to school and myself to work negotiating with public transport etc.

bearing all that in mind, i understand that he may have been nervous about his first day etc but he was driving the 2mins it takes to get to the new offices so leaving at 8:52 and allowing me the chance to get into work on time would have been entirely possible for him.

AIBU to have thought that DH could have pitched in instead of putting himself first and leaving me to be late for work??

(so there is no AIBU by stealth...he has a history of this kind of thing and has been of the mindset of 'looking after number 1' for a whileHmm)

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 07/09/2010 11:15

Yanbu, why should he make you late, if he can quite clearly have done the school drop then gone on to work.

Is this going to be a regular thing, as you cant get to work late everyday

Original poster
PandaEis · 07/09/2010 11:21

hi,

he has arranged with the job that he will start at 8:30 from tomorrow so yes i will have to do the school run and run to work myself everyday. funny thing is the supervisor gave him a choice of when to start and he chose as early as possible so he wont have to do the morning routine with DDHmm i understood with his last job as it was in manchester and over 45min drive for him every day but they said he could start any time between 8:30 and 9:30 and he chose 8:30 as he hates doing the morningsHmm there is no equality in our relationship at the min...as in i do all he does none. this goes for everything like housework DD related things etcAngry

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Tiredmumno1 · 07/09/2010 11:41

I am sorry to hear that.

I think you need to sit down and talk, you need to tell him that he has the responsbility of your dd as much as you.

He needs to apologise to his work, and explain that you need to be at work, and he needs to slightly change his hours, if they gave him the option in the first place i cant see that being a problem.

You need to put your foot down on this, as for helping round the house, tell him if he wont pitch in voluntarily, say you will make up a rota to make it fair.

If that fails do not do anything for him ie dont do his washing, cooking or tidy after him.

He does not sound at all helpful.

Original poster
PandaEis · 07/09/2010 11:47

thanks tiredmum he really does expect me to do everything. even to the point of not even flushing the toilet after having a pooShock i told him again that this is not acceptable just last night and he told me to stop nagging himAngry if i cant politely even ask him to flush his own poo down the toilet what hope is there of him pitching in?Sad im having a bad day todaySad

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Tiredmumno1 · 07/09/2010 12:04

Now that is so not on, its disgusting and so damn lazy, blimey i feel Angry for you.

Look there is no point in having a relationship or staying as a family if you are not equals, you are not his slave.

Ok, take a different approach, treat him like a kid, does he play on a games console, or just plonk himself in front of the tv, in the evening?

Original poster
PandaEis · 07/09/2010 12:37

he basically comes home from work and sits on his arse all night. he was off yesterday and went to his nans to be waited on and picked me up from work (as a favourHmm i pay for the frigging car likeHmm) and made out as if he had been so busy he didnt have time to do the dishes etc. i was in work all day and when i got home he had done literally nothing and admitted later that he had sat all day from 11:30 until he picked me up at 5:30 in his nans drinking tea and watching tellyHmm i had to do the dinner and wash the dishes etc as he was 'sorting' his work stuff out for todayHmm i feel like a bloody slave/unpaid maid TBH and he wont listen to me about it as i 'nag' himHmm asking once does not, in my book, constitute being called a nagAngry the more im thinking about this the more annoyed i am getting[gggrrrrr]

OP posts:
homeboys · 07/09/2010 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuizteamBleakley · 07/09/2010 12:44

Panda, it seems like the new job thing impacting on DD's school run is just the tip of the iceberg and that there are LOTS of really distressing things going on. Suspect this is the straw.

I don't feel I have anything constructive to add apart from he's a twunt who is treating you like shoite. When was the last time he did / said something nice to you?
It doesn't sound like you are nagging: you are asking a grown man to flush his turds away! FFS - a little respect purrlease!

Tiredmumno1 · 07/09/2010 13:08

Panda you really need to nip this in the bud. You are not nagging, most lazy men like to use this as an excuse, to try shutting women up. So ignore him when he says that.

Can you not also have a word with his nan and tell her not to wait on him anymore.

If you have a sky/virgin or freeview box, remove the card so he cant watch the tv.

Seriously you need to tell him to start pulling his weight, as it should not be just down to you, he cant expect you to work and run around and do the chores yourself.

It really is not on.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 07/09/2010 13:19

Your husband is a dick.

MissAnneElk · 07/09/2010 13:31

When I read your first post I was going to say you were being a bit unreasonable and that you should cut him a bit of slack on his first day. Having read the second post he is being an arse.
Make up a rota of jobs that need to be done and give it to him. Tell him you don't want to nag about things so you've shared out all the chores so that no nagging is necessary.

Needanewname · 07/09/2010 13:34

Stop cooking for him, doing any laundry or ironing and generally picking up after him. Don;t 'nag' him, just don;t do anything at all for him. If it starts to bother you, pick up all his crap and dump it in a large box.

He is a lazy arse and I'm afraid whilst everyone runs around after him he will carry on being a lazy arse. Are you able to get his nan on side or is she likely to still keep running around after him?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 07/09/2010 13:35

I'm sorry, he won't flush the toilet after himself? Oh Panda, what a total cock. Sounds like he gets some kind of kick after making you clear up his messes and cater for him. Surely no-one is lazy enough to not flush the toilet?

Firstly, try to ignore the nag comments - what else can he say given that there are no excuses for his behaviour? He is trying to put you on the defensive so that you are so busy protesting about not nagging, that you don't have the time/energy to keep calling him out on his twattery. How old is he? He is a grown man with a wife, child and job. I think you really need to give him an ultimatum, sorry. Is there anything good about living with him, really?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 07/09/2010 13:36

Pfft appears to have summed it up nicely.

Original poster
PandaEis · 07/09/2010 13:41

pffft Grin thanks that made me laugh.

QTB DH tells me he loves me every day and is very affectionate etc he is a good dad (for the most partHmm) and a nice person to spend time with. it is the practical things that are a problem.

we have a cycle of this behaviourHmm every few weeks i ask if he can help around the house more, he does a little (washes dishes puts bins out etc) and i feel better and then gradually the things he does tails off to nothing and for a few weeks i get told off for 'nagging' him until we have a row about it and he helps out a little againAngry we have been together for nearly 7 years and married for 3 and it has gotten much much worse since we got marriedHmm

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 07/09/2010 13:43

what does he say about the toilet thing? does he live his pants all over the floor etc as well? his food dishes for you to wash up?

ChippingIn · 07/09/2010 13:57

He may say he loves you
Actions mean more than words

Door
Arse

Original poster
PandaEis · 07/09/2010 14:07

elephants yes and yesHmm he also often leaves dirty socks on the couch and very rarely cooks the teaHmm i feel like the piss is being royally taken out of me by him at the mo!! i didnt feel in the mood to argue it out with him earlier on but i do nowGrin

chippingin i am coming to the realisation that just him telling me he loves me isnt enoughSad he doesnt respect me as if he did he wouldnt make me into the replacement mum/maid for his service and he would help out more!

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CarGirl · 07/09/2010 14:10

I take it that you can't you drive because surely he could walk to work saving money and then you could drive?

He is being a cocklodger you need to issue an ultimatium and stick to it.

Original poster
PandaEis · 07/09/2010 14:21

whoops sorry i didnt see the posts before my last oneHmm

he does flush the toilet sometimes so he does know how to do it he just says he forgot if he doesnt do itHmm thats a good few times a week.

i am happy to give him leeway for the first day of a new job but i had to do the school/nursery run when i started in my job as he started work earlier than me so i had to Hmm he even had me up yesterday morning to take DD to school and he was off work. the compromise? he would drop me off at work...he just couldnt be arsed with it allHmm i made him come along as i thought i should be an important day for him aswell as me and DD with it being DDs first day in reception and allHmm

i was up for work anyway and i did want to see her off on her first day in 'big' school but he didnt even think of it that way he assumed he could laze around and i should do the running around after DD even so far as leaving her to me to dress in her uniform and staying in bed until 8:30 so he has to just sort himself as everything else is doneHmm

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 07/09/2010 14:23

But also Panda, you are spoiling him - NOT saying it's your fault he's a twunt, but you are enabling him to continue being one. Don't cook for him, wash up his stuff of wash clothes, just put it all in a big pile somewhere. He needs to know that you are not the magic cleaning lady. My DP tends to do a lot of looking after of me, and I can sometimes feel myself slipping into the entitlement thing, then I get a firm grip on myself. He needs to do the same, realise that you are not their for him, you are a real person.

Original poster
PandaEis · 07/09/2010 14:26

cargirl i dont drive (well i do but the roads are safer without me on themWink) and he needs the car for work as he goes from job to job daily so either way i wouldnt get itHmm

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Original poster
PandaEis · 07/09/2010 14:38

elephants stupid thing is, i know im spoiling him...i know the more i do the less he will feel the need to do but...basically i dont see why DD and i should have to sit in a room with dirty socks and shoes strewn around and to get a bath in a room with underwear (with skids) on the floor...i DONT pick these up...i simply refuse to! we have a nice little house and i am quite house proud and i want to keep my house nice and he obviously isnt interested in that at allHmm

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 07/09/2010 15:10

pick them up and put them in a binbag maybe? It sounds really hard, and of course you want your DD and you to be able to live in your nice clean home. Doesn't he care about your DD living in a dirty environment? Being untidy is one thing but what does is just...dirty and gross. What do his family/friends say about it?

Original poster
PandaEis · 07/09/2010 15:20

im not sure he even 'sees' the mess TBH he has enough to say when it is toys on the floor or tampons in the bathroom(unused ones obvSmile) but when it comes to his mess its as if it is invisible to himHmm

i proved to myself that he is the source of the mess last time he worked away for a weekHmm the house stayed tidy all week and he came home and tramped mud everywhere and left his crap all over the placeHmm

i keep feeling suffocated by the state the house is left to get in by him and i dont know where to startHmm i have no defense mechanism over this as mess stresses me out anbd cleaning helps me relaxHmm i dont exactly enjoy it but i work my frustration out on the counters and dishesGrin so to not clean up makes me feel worse but forces me into a vicious cycleHmm

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